Taking responsibility

[AnonymousPoster]

dear brothers and sisters,

right now I'm in a situation that feels too big for me alhamdulilah. I hope that someone who is distant from the situation and has Islamic morals and values could help straighten my mind about this...

Here is the story: I'm a 24 year old man and I have a younger sister who is 22 years old. She never had strong Islamic morals but she never did anything to cross the line. We haven't been friends for a very long time, almost as long as I can remember. I think the last time I talked to her was about 5 or 6 years ago.

My sister finished high school and started working at a school as an english teacher, and she has been doing this for a few years. My parents didn't want her out of the house too much, but she was very depressed before she started working and they thought that letting her out to achieve something like that would be good for her. And indeed it made her happier for a while. But now she has become very cold and hostile with everyone at home. She doesn't say hi to anybody coming in, she goes straight to her room and stays there after coming back from her school, she doesn't pray or do anything Islamic at all, she's influenced by a lot of bad media, and unfortunately she is having a very negative effect on my younger brother and sisters. They are her friends a lot more than they are mine, even to the extent that I feel they hate me sometimes and love her, but all they get from her is music videos and useless mind-degrading garbage that all people, especially younger kids are attracted to.

Now I found out from someone that my sister has been doing some very bad stuff for a while. First I found out that she had a friend a long time ago that was a lesbian. For me that is enough to know that her mind was twisted enough to a large degree for a long time if she could accept someone like that as a friend. I also found out that she does a lot of bad things behind the family's back, things that I maybe suspected in my far-fetched thoughts, but never thought that they would be a reality. Not only that, but she's indirectly teaching my brothers and sisters that hiding things is ok, because she I found out that she has a mobile phone that noboy knows about and she's had it for years. And that most of the numbers in that phone are boys.

The current situation is that she's still working at the school and that she has a group of friends that are a very bad influence, she visits them at their homes behind our backs and they are the kind of people that are involved in drugs, sex, and other terrible things.

I'm totally lost on what to do or who to talk to. I can't tell my mother because she's very weak-spirited, she will go into a depression because she has no authority whatsoever in our house. As for my father, he travels a lot and he's currently not at home, plus his business is in a crisis period and if he doesn't give it 110% concentration now, I'm sure that it will fail and that our family will go into a major financial crisis.

I pray to Allah that someone here can tell me what a person in my positition can do about this situation... jazaakum Allah khayran

 

[IB-Staff]

Thread Approved.

 

[Jayda]

hola,

i am very sorry that you are in this situation. i think based on what you say, your sister is probably experiencing personal issues regarding her feelings of self worth, self identity and attachment with others. while she may pretend she is doing things she 'wants' to do or that this is just her personality, there is pain behind this.

it is important to talk to her and find out what these issues are. years ago would have been a better time for you to have tried to establish a more open relationship with her... but you cannot dwell in the past. there is no reason for you to not start now though... and truthfully she will probably be hesitant and angry at you for waiting so long and so you must be patient about this.

you should also be firm though, she must respect you and you gain her respect by remain firm and forceful in what you expect from her. firm and forceful are not the same as tyranical or angry... and principled expectations are more effective than threats.

constantly remind her that you love her and, despite her feelings about herself or the things people say about her, you expect something better for her. help her, get involved in her life, scare off boys, destroy her drugs or alcohol if she uses them, take away her car keys if she tries to go out instead of study - help her study and stay with her to show her how to commit to studying... it is secretly showing her how to be responsible and she will respect you more for it. delete her mp3s, take the remote and turn off the TV when she is watching something bad, throw out degrading clothes if she wears them. when she swears or speaks badly (especially in front of your other siblings) correct her, ten twenty or ten thousand times. if she cries, don't walk away, give her a hug and tell her that she can do this. if she says she doesn't want to tell her that she's more than what her impulses and feelings of self worth tell her she is. God does not make us to fail, and He has given each of us the tools to become what was planned for us.

firmness is a matter of right action, moral foundation and consistency... if your actions are motivated by love and are not cruel then you will be okay. do not harm her, or become frustrated as difficult as that may be. taking things that are bad for her away from her, preventing her from hanging out with bad people, and encouraging and helping her succeed do not involve threats, anger or physicality.

que Dios te bendiga

 

[gladTidings]

walaikum asalam brother,

I can say, although not to the same extent, your situation is familiar to me. Brother, firstly you have to keep in mind that your sister is now an adult, she is responsible for the decisions she makes and you cannot directly stop her from doing anything. To have any influence on the decisions she makes you will have to establish a friendship with her and earn her respect and trust.

I was having a discussion with a random auntie at a dinner party and she was telling me how two of her daughters are angels, but the older one has no concept of respecting elders, when asked how her day went... she will reply 'none of your business'. The lady after so many years, said she now realises that once your children hit adulthood you cant do anything to change them, unless you change yourself. I have seen situations myself where both the parents and children are stubborn and not prepared to change themselves because they strongly believe they are themselves correct and everyone who disagrees is wrong. So I suggest first you change yourself, by this I mean try your utmost best to understand her and change your behaviour towards her.

You said you havent spoken to her for 5/6 years? Why did you stop talking to her? If there was a disagreement, maybe resolve this first, apologise for not making amends sooner (even if she was in the wrong, this is what I mean when I say 'change yourself', swallow any pride and take the first step). Then inshAllah concentrate on building up a friendship with her.

I dont suggest you try to take away the important things in her life immediately such as her music, her phone etc. It will not resolve anything and will only result in tension between the two of you. You need a great deal of time and patience to start reforming a relationship and bringing her to good.


Tell her as her older brother you want to look out for her and protect her, be there for her when she needs someone to talk to. Give her your attention but try to be suttle, otherwise somewhere along the line she may realise that you want to take away things that are important in her life and see you more as an enemy than anything else.


Make the intention that you want your sister to learn the beauty of Islam through you, you dont want her to love you and respect you so you can control her, no... you want her to love islam. You are but the medium and inshAllah will be rewarded for your intention.


If she ever asks why your doing something for her, helping her out all of a sudden... tell her you care about her future and you care about her afterlife. Generally just try your best to be a good role model for her and your other siblings.

Only by the will of Allah you will be able to bring any change to her life, and only if she can change herself will Allah swt help her inshAllah. May Allah swt give us the taufeeq to better our characters and strengthen the bond between you are your sister.. Ameen.

Btw I think its very good of you to take this responsibility because I dont know many brothers who would care about their sisters imaan.

Ws.

 

[Grace Seeker]

I agree with pretty much everything that Pearl said. Be careful to monitor yourself. Focus on mending that broken relationship you apparently have with your sister. Do not be focused on changing your sister, let that happen naturally out of your restored relationship. Expect that it will take time, much time, and there will be many setbacks. But as you show that you actually care for her, and not just how she reflects on you or even how she reflects on Islam, she will eventually open up to value what you have to say and share with her. Do not let her slowness to change cause you to get angry. If you feel yourself feeling angry or frustrated, excuse yourself from the discussion and return to it only when you are once again in control of yourself and can be gentle with her. Tthough I am not disagreeing with the importance of being firm, your firmness must be with regard to your own convictions that you do not compromise. And you must be firm with yourself that you will show love to her even if she doesn't return it for some time.

You may never be fully as successful as you would like to be with your sister. But, if you follow this with her, you have a much better chance of maintaining a positive relationship with your other siblings. For, as I read between the lines, it sounds like they are prepared to follow after her, and any anger on your part could chase them that direction very quickly.