It started when i was like 11, I think I was a non believer up until I was 11 but I did not know it. My family was all muslims and I
might have just lied to myself and said I believe to seek there company, I don't know if there was transgression in my heart or what but first I came down with OCD,
which seems to run in my family and I used to pray to god to protect me from thoughts appearing in my head that I believed made it difficult for me to swallow that could happen.
Then the fear occured in my head that what if this OCD started making blasphemous thoughts pop up in my head, after I thought that.. my life changed forever I never could stop thinking
them, thoughts would popup in my head whenever i wanted to something to work out, I would always pray for it to happen and praise allah but then a thought would popup in my telling me saying something
really sinful or some doubt that i did not want to hear. This made me really start questioning my faith so I read the quran(english translation) but I felt like I was mocking it in my heart and I could not stop myself.
When I opened it up the first verses were about hypocrites those who lie to themselves thinking they can trick allah and how "in their hearts is a disease" and then I came to the conclusion perhaps this OCD is that disease
allah is talking about. I felt terrible like i could not control myself and I was gonna make myself impure and ruin my chance to be righteous forever and I could not stop myself. when I became fourteen It got even worse, I started getting
scared I was gonna cause terrible things to happen with these uncontrolable thoughts about whatever I feared would happen and whenever I told myself I did not really want that, I would feel the intention to do it. One time I was thinking about
something and the thought came to me what if you started praying for natural disasters to happen. I tried to push it out of my head but it was too late.. and months later the indonesia quake happend.. OMG now I know allah would never grant such a prayer
but do you think the devil could have heard that thought and caused that disaster.. Oh god in that case I'am totally at fault, what If I was a hypocrite hiding his true intentions and actually wanted this. And after that It never siezed and about a year later Katrina
happened. I feel really really evil bad and cruel after that truly if I caused that I deserve alot worse. When I was 15 I told my mom about it and afterwards I felt a whole lot better and I kind of stayed away from spirtual things thinking they caused me to act
think like that I slowly started feeling less and less fear of allah(allah please forgive me). Then one time I was fasting and I seriously asked my self are you really fasting for allah and then those questions came back, they started saying things like
"people just like to think they are special, theres no such things as religion" and I started asking myself for proof.. and I made the biggest mistake in my life. There are PLENTY of miracles in but I had never actually read the qu'ran, i just believed what I was
taught(or maybe thought I believed), there is only one god and mohammed is his messenger don't eat pork and stuff like that(I was barely if at all, what you could call a muslim). So to prove people were more then matter I went and I started practicing "psychokinesis".
There is no such thing as this bull crap except that perhaps jinns were hearing what I wanted to happen(like forcing the possibilities on a random number generator). eventually I become so convinced this stuff was real that I started thinking about what else could be real
and I said if this is real then darwins theory of evolution is definately wrong and creationism is the only obvious answer. But then somehow I ended up almost rejecting the existence of god(blaming him for my OCD) entirely, but at the time I was still very paranoid he was gonna punish me so I
looking out for proof that he was real one time when I was so convinced he was not real I layed down on my bed and found a scrabble piece in my bed(the scrabble game we have has been put away and never been taken out since we moved in) it was a "G" with a subscript of 2 down next to it. I thought to myself
thats strange were did this come from and how did it end up in my bed, I looked at wondering if perhaps it was a sign.. i thought what word starts with g? oh thats right god, and immediately I was bewildered..I could not believe I actually saw a sign from god. I could not deny that I said perhaps it was a concidence but
my mom told me the scrabble game was packed away. I denied it for one day, but it haunted me and then one of my friends out of the blues told me to watch this conspiracy movie called the estoic agenda.. Why on earth would he tell me that out of the blues, it had to be another sign from
god. sure enough the movie pretty much confirmed the conspiracy going on in the world against religion. Now I'am trying to repent for what i'am done and become true to islam truly I'am a shame I don't think god will ever forgive me(please allah have mercy on this fool). But what bothers me even worse is that I worry I might become the ad dajjal
and reddish skin but i'am not blind in one eye(but god could always cause me to be). Please can any real muslim tell me if I can still repent and how I might be able to before I ruin myself to a point allah's wrath is upon me, if it already is not.
might have just lied to myself and said I believe to seek there company, I don't know if there was transgression in my heart or what but first I came down with OCD,
which seems to run in my family and I used to pray to god to protect me from thoughts appearing in my head that I believed made it difficult for me to swallow that could happen.
Then the fear occured in my head that what if this OCD started making blasphemous thoughts pop up in my head, after I thought that.. my life changed forever I never could stop thinking
them, thoughts would popup in my head whenever i wanted to something to work out, I would always pray for it to happen and praise allah but then a thought would popup in my telling me saying something
really sinful or some doubt that i did not want to hear. This made me really start questioning my faith so I read the quran(english translation) but I felt like I was mocking it in my heart and I could not stop myself.
When I opened it up the first verses were about hypocrites those who lie to themselves thinking they can trick allah and how "in their hearts is a disease" and then I came to the conclusion perhaps this OCD is that disease
allah is talking about. I felt terrible like i could not control myself and I was gonna make myself impure and ruin my chance to be righteous forever and I could not stop myself. when I became fourteen It got even worse, I started getting
scared I was gonna cause terrible things to happen with these uncontrolable thoughts about whatever I feared would happen and whenever I told myself I did not really want that, I would feel the intention to do it. One time I was thinking about
something and the thought came to me what if you started praying for natural disasters to happen. I tried to push it out of my head but it was too late.. and months later the indonesia quake happend.. OMG now I know allah would never grant such a prayer
but do you think the devil could have heard that thought and caused that disaster.. Oh god in that case I'am totally at fault, what If I was a hypocrite hiding his true intentions and actually wanted this. And after that It never siezed and about a year later Katrina
happened. I feel really really evil bad and cruel after that truly if I caused that I deserve alot worse. When I was 15 I told my mom about it and afterwards I felt a whole lot better and I kind of stayed away from spirtual things thinking they caused me to act
think like that I slowly started feeling less and less fear of allah(allah please forgive me). Then one time I was fasting and I seriously asked my self are you really fasting for allah and then those questions came back, they started saying things like
"people just like to think they are special, theres no such things as religion" and I started asking myself for proof.. and I made the biggest mistake in my life. There are PLENTY of miracles in but I had never actually read the qu'ran, i just believed what I was
taught(or maybe thought I believed), there is only one god and mohammed is his messenger don't eat pork and stuff like that(I was barely if at all, what you could call a muslim). So to prove people were more then matter I went and I started practicing "psychokinesis".
There is no such thing as this bull crap except that perhaps jinns were hearing what I wanted to happen(like forcing the possibilities on a random number generator). eventually I become so convinced this stuff was real that I started thinking about what else could be real
and I said if this is real then darwins theory of evolution is definately wrong and creationism is the only obvious answer. But then somehow I ended up almost rejecting the existence of god(blaming him for my OCD) entirely, but at the time I was still very paranoid he was gonna punish me so I
looking out for proof that he was real one time when I was so convinced he was not real I layed down on my bed and found a scrabble piece in my bed(the scrabble game we have has been put away and never been taken out since we moved in) it was a "G" with a subscript of 2 down next to it. I thought to myself
thats strange were did this come from and how did it end up in my bed, I looked at wondering if perhaps it was a sign.. i thought what word starts with g? oh thats right god, and immediately I was bewildered..I could not believe I actually saw a sign from god. I could not deny that I said perhaps it was a concidence but
my mom told me the scrabble game was packed away. I denied it for one day, but it haunted me and then one of my friends out of the blues told me to watch this conspiracy movie called the estoic agenda.. Why on earth would he tell me that out of the blues, it had to be another sign from
god. sure enough the movie pretty much confirmed the conspiracy going on in the world against religion. Now I'am trying to repent for what i'am done and become true to islam truly I'am a shame I don't think god will ever forgive me(please allah have mercy on this fool). But what bothers me even worse is that I worry I might become the ad dajjal
and reddish skin but i'am not blind in one eye(but god could always cause me to be). Please can any real muslim tell me if I can still repent and how I might be able to before I ruin myself to a point allah's wrath is upon me, if it already is not.
