The baby issue

[AnonymousPoster]

I was going to post this in the family section, but wanted it to be anonymous.

I am newly married. My husband and I keep having this disscusion about having children.

He wants children yesterday, I don't want them for a few more years.

He doesn't work, at the moment and I've just managed to gain employment after to many months out of work. Neither of us are financially stable to have a child, not only that, we don't even have our own house to bring a child up in.

Also, I want to travel and see more of the world. He knows all this, yet he keeps saying things such as, oh my mom asked if i'm going to be a daddy yet and when are we going to have kids and on and on he goes.

Each time I give him the answer, he just sulks :hmm:

What is your opinion on having children? Am I right, am I wrong? I'm just kinda sick of having this conversation over and over and the sulking, but this isn't something I can just say oh ok then lets do what you want, we talking about a child, I don't think we are ready, either of us.

Your thoughts please :hmm:

 

[SMA89]

I think you are right. You should hold on to the baby and travelling as well. Travelling should've happened right after you got married. Make sure you are financially stable. Make sure both of you are working. After you reached a point where you have a large surplus amount of money after paying all bills, then you should travel and have a baby.
This is only my opinion, but logically thinking it would be a mistake to have kids if you cant even support them.

 

[جوري]

I love kids.. my opinion is going to be biased, I don't have any children of my own and know of many sisters who are struggling to have kids.. a friend of mine from college was married at 16 and I swear to God for over a decade she was going through painful treatments to have a child, she finally had a baby when she was 32 and it took many many IVF treatments which on the long run can cause ovarian cancer..

children are a wahaba, so Allah swt tells us in the Quran.. when many prophets themselves struggled to have children they would ask 'hab li min ladonk walya' you know that literally means gift me with an heir.

children can be your friend and go travel with you places.. I mean when I am around my nieces and nephews they teach me things and I think wow I have got a doctorate and didn't even know what that was...

Anyhow, having a child doesn't mean that you have to put your life on hold.. it means your life has that much more meaning in it..

my two cents insha'Allah.. may Allah swt gift you with what you love and desire and what he loves for you too..

waslaam 3lykoum wr wb

 

[Cabdullahi]

^ take dictora zaghloula's advice

 

[Dagless]

^^I agree with the above 2. Don't put it off because you never know whats around the next corner. Have them and enjoy them while you can, what could be more important than a family of your very own?? If you're in the UK you'll get a minimum of 1 years maternity leave and if you've been with the company more than 26 weeks they'll have to pay you for 39 weeks of it.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

i think as someone who went through that i hope you will take mine advice

i was not financially stable and my husband and i hadnt traveled. we thought we could still do it. we had a baby, then another. we struggled a lot and often i cried and cried because i wanted a better life for my baby and i also had always want to travel at least to one place i had dreamed of seeing.

i think you should talk to your husbadn and tell him that when you are both financially stable you will be more than willing
i think the worst part was not being financially stable
the traveling part can be pt off because eventually you will be able to travel. i have done so now.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Don't forget to ask Allah for guidance via Istikhara salah.

 

[Italianguy]

If yu are truley financially unstable then wait a little longer until you can both stand on your own two feet ,before having to support 2 more little feets I love children, especially babies:embarrass:embarrass;D Ms. Skye is right in sayng that children are a gift from God. I have 1 son he's 7, but he has not prevented me from seeing the world, in fact he makes it more enjoyable, and he will be able to experience it all, with us! Finances are tricky, Children arent cheep, but.....I have never for one minute looke upon my son as a burden, he is a blessing. I don't care if I never have anything for myself again as long as he.....and my future little Italdian babies;D have everything they need!

Did I mention I love babies? I am a sucker for little girls:embarrass they can get anything from me. Everytime Mohammeds kids come over,.....I give them all the Ladoos and they take all my candies......that i just so happen to have.....just for when they come over:shade:;D

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Although we are told to have faith in God providing for us, you cant forget that sometimes God has prescribed for us not to have financial success just yet so there is nothing wrong with putting off having kids until you have enough money to be able to give the kid a decent life. As long as the method you are using is okay with your religion it shouldnt be a problem.
I notice its mostly men who keep saying that you should be having a kid, funny how they will never go through the struggle or pain it takes to have a kid. It is really rewarding but it is also the most difficult thing a woman goes through and her link to the child gives her a deep seated sense of obligation and empathy towards the child. Not that men dont have love for their kids, but a woman really feels the pain when her child is in pain in an emotional sense. When my kid is sick I feel like Im going insane while my husband although he worries, stays calm. Just my two cents.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Although we are told to have faith in God providing for us, you cant forget that sometimes God has prescribed for us not to have financial success just yet so there is nothing wrong with putting off having kids until you have enough money to be able to give the kid a decent life. As long as the method you are using is okay with your religion it shouldnt be a problem.
I notice its mostly men who keep saying that you should be having a kid, funny how they will never go through the struggle or pain it takes to have a kid. It is really rewarding but it is also the most difficult thing a woman goes through and her link to the child gives her a deep seated sense of obligation and empathy towards the child. Not that men dont have love for their kids, but a woman really feels the pain when her child is in pain in an emotional sense. When my kid is sick I feel like Im going insane while my husband although he worries, stays calm. Just my two cents.

So what does going through the labor pain has to do with you not wanting to have children?

Purpose of marriage is to have children and not travel. There is nothing wrong with traveling around the world but you should have done that before marriage. Or if you wanted to do that after marriage, you should have to talked to husband before marriage that is how you plan things and should've made it a part of marriage contract. I do not what you guys planned. But if you mentioned your plan of traveling to your husband all of a sudden recetnly, it seems that is the exact reason why he is shocked and insisting on having children and probably does not want to travel.

And God knows best.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

So what does going through the labor pain has to do with you not wanting to have children?

Purpose of marriage is to have children and not travel. There is nothing wrong with traveling around the world but you should have done that before marriage. Or if you wanted to do that after marriage, you should have to talked to husband before marriage that is how you plan things and should've made it a part of marriage contract. I do not what you guys planned. But if you mentioned your plan of traveling to your husband all of a sudden recetnly, it seems that is the exact reason why he is shocked and insisting on having children and probably does not want to travel.

And God knows best.

You twisted my words. What you did there is a clear example of someone taking a single line out of a broader response for the sole benefit of them skewing it in their favor. Not very nice. I never said anything about travel in my response. I only talked about the financial side of it.

You can still travel with children. In fact its even more fun with children.

I also never said that labor pains have anything to do with not having trouble. Tsk tsk for you trying to make it seem like I was. I was only commenting on how all the men seem to be so adamant about a women having children when they dont know the full extent of how difficult of a decision it can be for a woman to embark on such a journey if she isnt financially stable. Many woman work while pregnant, but once the time nears you cant and when the baby is born its very difficult to leave the child to go back to the work place. I am a firm believer that you should be financially stable. It baffles me though, to the OP, did you marry this man before you were both financially able to have children??? If you did, I wish you had thought about that beforehand. I didnt marry until I was 27 because I hadnt yet met a man who was making somewhat of a decent living. Thankfully I met my husband who works in the same profession as myself and we are able to live a pretty good life.

Anyway, as much as this forum is wonderful I dont think it is the right avenue for such a tough decision. I think you should be discussing this with your husband and work things out. Maybe you could help him find a job, even if its one with meager earnings, and together you can save up enough for you to be able to have a baby and take a year or so maternity leave.
After that you can save up for a family trip

 

[barney]

Have kids when you are both ready.

Too early for one partner will only lead to regret over lost years in later life.
Once they are there, you never get your old life back so enoy things for a few years. Perhaps agree a time period in which to have them, say in 3 or 4 years. That way hubby will see light at the end of the tunnel?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Thanks for all your advice

The other anonymous posts weren't mine, just so we're clear.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Have kids when you are both ready.

Too early for one partner will only lead to regret over lost years in later life.
Once they are there, you never get your old life back so enoy things for a few years. Perhaps agree a time period in which to have them, say in 3 or 4 years. That way hubby will see light at the end of the tunnel?

Actually, I said within the next 4 years, i'd like kids, he was like :hmm: ok then *sulk, sulk, sulk*

 

[★ηαѕιнα★]

Well I think theres two issues to this thing. On one hand the islamic point of view is to trust in Allah swt and the rizq He granted you. Meaning He provides for you and gives you everything you need. Everything comes from him, even a job. Therefore finances arent an allowed arguement to keep yourself from having babys. On the other hand your husband isnt capable of supporting you and a future child. This mean he is not capable to provide a stable home for a future child, including the housing thing.

My personal opinion is the same as you though. If it were my husband i would advise him to work hard to have those conditions of a home and a job. After that he can come and talk business! ;D And travelling with a little child I wouldnt do. I made my mums vacation a living hell when I was a baby. Morocco was a bit too hot for me. :embarrass

So my conclusion is: you should ask a scholar. There is more to this thing than only the finance stuff.

So what does going through the labor pain has to do with you not wanting to have children?

Purpose of marriage is to have children and not travel. There is nothing wrong with traveling around the world but you should have done that before marriage. Or if you wanted to do that after marriage, you should have to talked to husband before marriage that is how you plan things and should've made it a part of marriage contract. I do not what you guys planned. But if you mentioned your plan of traveling to your husband all of a sudden recetnly, it seems that is the exact reason why he is shocked and insisting on having children and probably does not want to travel.

And God knows best.

Uhmm I dont know..IT HURTS LIKE HELL!?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

My personal opinion is the same as you though. If it were my husband i would advise him to work hard to have those conditions of a home and a job. After that he can come and talk business! ;D

Do you think that's alright to say to your husband though? I'd feel quite bad saying something like that to him :hmm:

Thanks for the suggestions in your post :statisfie

 

[cat eyes]

I Believe a baby brings its own wealth into this world so i think for some one to worry about money and be in fear of puberty would anger Allah swt a bit.

i think sister your insecurities go more deeper. i came from a non muslim family where alot of negativity was put in my head about having kids

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Do you think that's alright to say to your husband though? I'd feel quite bad saying something like that to him :hmm:

im glad that was bought up because i didnt want to sound rude when i say "why the heck isnt your husband providing for you? why are you providing for your husband." :embarrass i think you should work on that issue first then on the kids.

and i also think you should speak to a knowledgeable imam about your situation =)

 

[★ηαѕιнα★]

Do you think that's alright to say to your husband though? I'd feel quite bad saying something like that to him :hmm:

Thanks for the suggestions in your post :statisfie

Nah I dont think you should say it like that at all! That sentence is a lovekiller seriously, can cause a huge fight as well. Thats only IB material really. ;D
No I think hes is in love with the idea of having a baby at the moment. He only thinks of the cuteness of the baby. He doesnt realise us women have to take care of it fully and be responsible for it.
Think its a huge task seriously. He wont be the one getting up at night to attend to a crying baby. Don't want to discourage you or so. They are very cute mashallah! Especially the very tiny ones:statisfie:statisfie
I would ask him to be patient.

 

[piXie]

What is your opinion on having children? Am I right, am I wrong?

:salamext:

If you desire our opinion, then know that mere human opinion is constantly open to error, and following it can lead to misguidance, conflict and misery. But if you desire to know the opinion of Allaah and His Rasool :saws:, then that is perfect and free from flaw, and following it opens doors to mercy, inner fulfilment and success. Whenever there is a conflict, let us turn to the Qur’aan and Sunnah and Judge and decide according to that, for it guides us in every matter and there is no better guidance than it.

I only talked about the financial side of it.

It is permissible to delay having children for a certain amount of time if that serves an interest, such as if the woman is weak or sick. But it is not permissible to do that for fear of poverty or for fear of raising the children, because that implies thinking negatively of Allah, may He be exalted.

It says in a statement of the Islamic Fiqh Council belonging to the Muslim World League: The Islamic Fiqh Council affirms unanimously that it is not permissible to limit the number of children in general and it is not permissible to prevent pregnancy if the reason for doing that is fear of poverty, because Allah is the Provider and Owner of great power, and there is no living creature on earth but its provision is due from Allah.

http://islamqa.com/en/ref/127170/delaying children

And Allaah :arabic2: knows best. May He have mercy upon you, your husband, and us all. May we be wise enough to make Him, the One with infinite Knowledge and Wisdom and Mercy, our best friend, in consultation, in obedience, and in all matters of life. For that is the path to blessings, provision, happiness and Paradise.