Everyone, I gather these words to introduce myself first in this forum. My name is Mohamed and I live in the United States. I am 20, and I belong to a North African family. I knew Islam the first time when I learned some of its customs and teachings through my family.
As I walked into the beach today I realized something about God. It seemed to me that God is an artist forming everything that exists together in a complex working pattern. Everything seemed to work too well together, from the sand that was produced from rocks and the wavy water that helped through all these years make that happen. I took a moment to realize that this inspiration can be found not only in the oceans and beaches, but everywhere I can heed.
I enjoyed the summer beach walks that I permitted myself to attend like a special appointment I have with God. I rarely pray the traditional way, but memories such these leave me be thankful to the sublime creator. I have very deep thoughts when God is involved in a conversation or a moment of inspiration yet I find myself in conflict all the time with Islam.
Much like the dog that bites the hand of its feeder, I find myself that way with God. I have very sincere thoughts and I give a high importance to the inspiration i receive through this time I spent living but sometimes I feel I am more self-concerned to achieve and to survive to become the high life king of the world. My ego is majestic. Since I was a boy I dreamed of dominating the world and be a king. I want to be rich and highly respectable also expecting everything that I desire to be accessible. I find it hard to cooperate with myself especially my worst enemy is my own shadow. I have very high expectations from everything as I familiarize myself into a situation and when the present seems so against my desires I feel weakened. I bring myself too high or too low depending on my motivations and I typically just loose.
I tried that many times with Islam. I tried being the best Muslim of myself to being the worst punk i can be. I lived two realities in the United States and back home. People are very different wherever I went and I function based on what I experience. I came here and I was exposed to things we Muslims consider haram at an early age and in an accelerated mode that it become my own normal lifestyle. I stand today in a better shape then it will be tomorrow as I feel the more I live the worse it gets. I was born in the middle of highly contradicting societies. It is very hard to choose a side and it is scary to be idle this way. I have these nagging thoughts that tell me the source of my misery is the lack of faith in God while an other though also tells me that I don't know any better. After all I am just too young and I've been exposed to too much to decide.
I just don't know what to believe in. I respect God in my own multitude that I set regardless what other's might want me to think. My problem is that the world and I don't cooperate. I want it to spin around me while it wants me to spin around it. I hate to loose and seeing everything I didn't have make me think that God is punishing me.
I am sure some people went through the same experience or even worse, and I would like to know few tips to follow. When my faith is low or high I screw up one way or the other and I am in search for the middle way.
