Just seems that it's really a matter of luck to find someone perfect for you. Because seems that it's built on the concept of "if you stick with one person long enough, you're bound to fall in love with them". That's one bit that bothers me. It feels forced. It feels you get married for the sake of getting married. Not because you've met someone that you'd love waking up to for the rest of your life.
i think this is where many people go wrong and were this type of thinking causes some tension and problems in a marriage, simply because you go into marriage thinking that it is about *insert expectation here* or that is going to be *insert expectation here* and once they get married and see that marriage isn't according to how they weaved their little dreams, thats where problems come in.
you will get out of your relationships what you put it and if you are sincere in finding marriage for the right reasons, then im inclined to think that it will attract a person with the same type of mindset.
you mentioned something else
That's one bit that bothers me. It feels forced. It feels you get married for the sake of getting married. Not because you've met someone that you'd love waking up to for the rest of your life.
you will find a lot of people have this mindset fortunately/unfortunately and its becuase that is how they see marriage at FACE VALUE. you cant say that you want to marry person x for their own person when you haven't met them or known anything about them (which is where people get this idea that marriage is for falling in love and not falling for the person because they dont know a particular person personally) in other words how are you supposed to want to marry that person for them when you dont know them yet. once you get to know them and know that you like them, i think this mentality changes to wanting to marry them for them.
but in the meantime, most people will probably have this mindset because that is what marriage appears to be to them...at the very least, most people will view marriage as to what they grew up with, what they have experienced and the general view of marriage-in this day and age we are taught that marriage=love and that we need to marry to feel/be in love...so yes, this is where people may get that idea from.
Now, what if I want someone with similar interests as I? One way I feel connected to anyone, whether it be friends or family, is if we have things in common. If we have similar tastes in things. For example, if we both like Europe or if we both like cars or if we both like the colour blue. I know these are silly things, but I find myself connecting better with someone like that. Of course I don't want her to be an exact replica of me. I want a perfect balance between similarities and differences. But I also don't want to do things I am passionate about all alone even after I am married.
EVERYone in a relationship, be it marriage, friendship, probably even a passing conversation with someone random feels that they can connect to people that share the same interests.
it doesnt matter what it is or how "trivial" it is, the point is that thats how and why we like people-becuase we can relate to them and feel that they are on the same level on us.
Sure she'll tag along in the beginning, but that won't last forever.
are you sure about that? you will find that when you live with someone and especial more so in the case where you grow to love them, the more inclined you will be to imitating them. its the way the human mind works. a similar example to this is living with your family and siblings...there are so many ways we imitate or parents and siblings in the things we say, do and out general interests, all because we love them and live with them. another example is that of our friendships...
in general, if you love and respect someone, you can guarantee that you will be similar to them in some ways.
these things tend to happen without you realizing it so you shouldn't be hopeless that because you cant perceive something, then it means it doesn't exist. and i suppose this why we should take this upon ourselves to check ourselves and see where our relationships need rectifying and that we still love those that we are meant to, just in case we wake up thinking that we dont love them anymore and/or that our relationship with them has become deficient in some ways (and causing ourselves to panic as well), whereas the reality maybe the exact opposite...only we cant see it.
Now how do you find someone with whom you do share interests with. We're not allowed to date. We're not allowed to mingle. How do you find someone who loves skiing? or loves to volunteer in her spare time? or discovery channel documentaries? Because I want someone who'd be able to accompany me with these things or at least share a hint of a taste in such things.
you ask questions? and as i said before you will get out of your relationships what you put it and if you are sincere in finding marriage for the right reasons, then that will attract the same person with similar/smart interests.
im inclined to think that dating would actually ruin you finding the right one. that "innocence" is sort of lost and your standards become higher, not to mention you may find yourself comparing your prospects with one another <---people dont like being compared to plus, it only confuses yourself
you find the happiest of marriages were indeed the ones that the couple didnt date. i strongly believe that you dont need to know the very last details of someone to get along with them and learn to live and love them.
at the very least some sort of inclination or "spark" needs to be there...from that spark i think everythign else will follow.
I know these are silly stupid things compared to Islamic reasons for marriage and such. I believe there is a hadees where the Prophet (PBUH) said "marry her because she's rich, or comes from a prestigious family, or because she's beautiful". None of which fits in with what I am looking for. I am not necessarily after a rich girl, nor someone from a big family. These are some things I am very concerned and confused about
I disagree. marriage for the deen is good for the dunya and aakhira but what so many people forget when they say just marry for the deen is that we are also here on this earth for a short time and we also need those "dunya" characteristics to fulfill and help us out with our time on earth here as well.
and just becuase someone is religious, it doesn't mean you will get along with them or that they will treat you well.
you need to take into consideration what the traits of a prospect will have on you and your marriage and what it will mean for you. are you getting what you want from your spouse? do they tick the boxes? are you happy with them? does/did marrying that person give you what you wanted in a marriage? does it cause tension and argument?
if you ignore those personal preferences (non-deen related) they may cause some tension as well because you find your self not being able to relate to your spouse and as a result this may cause you to develop a type of dislike towards them. people in this situation may also find them selves inclined to developing haram relationships with other people becuase they cant find what they want in their own spouses. you cant underestimate these things.
so yes, people need to be smart about the way they go about getting married and what they chose to accept of a partner...we mustn't be hasty about these things and try out best to gain what isn't only good for aakhira, but also our dunya.
opcorn:
