The Secret Marriage

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Asalaamu Alaikum
I am a new sister in Islam, as is my new husband. I am seeking feedback on an issue within my marriage. I was friends with my husband for 13 years, when we both divorced, we began to date, for 2 years. He has 2 children with his ex-wife, I have none. After 2 years being together, I left him due to his drinking problem. When I did, he returned to his ex-wife and moved 800 miles away with her, almost immediately. It only lasted 2 months with them, and he wanted me back in his life. He was still drinking and got into legal problems where he lives, that involves his ex-wife. He went to jail for a short period and when he got out, he got into recovery and has been successful, he now lives in a group sober-living home, and came to Islam. We have reconciled, even though he is still there, and on a recent visit, we were married.
Because of his legal issues, he has to have supervised visits with his children, which means he spends time with his ex-wife in his private room with her & their kids. I previously had a relationship with his kids, but have not been able to speak to them in almost a year. The ex-wife's testimony in his trial will have bearing on the outcome. Meaning, if she is honest, his legal issues will go away. For this reason, he will not tell her, his kids, or ANY of his family that we have reconciled, or have married. And this hurts me deeply.
In addition to this, there have been times when he has been alone with her, because he doesn't have a car & knows few people in the area he lives. I have made it clear that is forbidden in Islam for him to be alone with another woman, and with their history, I find it even more inappropriate, and disrespectful to me. I feel like he is basically lying to everyone to sway the outcome of his trial. His ex-wife wants him back, especially since he is now sober, and living a better life. She does not like me at all, and would probably do anything to keep me out of his life, including not telling the truth at his trial, to keep him there. He is not living honestly, and I believe it will only create further problems in the future. He knows how much it hurts me, and I have been very patient with the whole scenario, but I am tired of being treated like a 'secret affair'. I don't believe he is having an affair with her, I just find it wrong, disrespectful and extremely inappropriate.
Is there anyone who can shed any light on this problem?
 
Manda said:
Asalaamu Alaikum
I am a new sister in Islam, as is my new husband. I am seeking feedback on an issue within my marriage. I was friends with my husband for 13 years, when we both divorced, we began to date, for 2 years. He has 2 children with his ex-wife, I have none. After 2 years being together, I left him due to his drinking problem. When I did, he returned to his ex-wife and moved 800 miles away with her, almost immediately. It only lasted 2 months with them, and he wanted me back in his life. He was still drinking and got into legal problems where he lives, that involves his ex-wife. He went to jail for a short period and when he got out, he got into recovery and has been successful, he now lives in a group sober-living home, and came to Islam. We have reconciled, even though he is still there, and on a recent visit, we were married.
Because of his legal issues, he has to have supervised visits with his children, which means he spends time with his ex-wife in his private room with her & their kids. I previously had a relationship with his kids, but have not been able to speak to them in almost a year. The ex-wife's testimony in his trial will have bearing on the outcome. Meaning, if she is honest, his legal issues will go away. For this reason, he will not tell her, his kids, or ANY of his family that we have reconciled, or have married. And this hurts me deeply.
In addition to this, there have been times when he has been alone with her, because he doesn't have a car & knows few people in the area he lives. I have made it clear that is forbidden in Islam for him to be alone with another woman, and with their history, I find it even more inappropriate, and disrespectful to me. I feel like he is basically lying to everyone to sway the outcome of his trial. His ex-wife wants him back, especially since he is now sober, and living a better life. She does not like me at all, and would probably do anything to keep me out of his life, including not telling the truth at his trial, to keep him there. He is not living honestly, and I believe it will only create further problems in the future. He knows how much it hurts me, and I have been very patient with the whole scenario, but I am tired of being treated like a 'secret affair'. I don't believe he is having an affair with her, I just find it wrong, disrespectful and extremely inappropriate.
Is there anyone who can shed any light on this problem?
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Asalaamu Alaikum, Can i just ask sister did you divorce this man you are talking about now? Did the ex wife that he is living with now also divorce him?
 
Asalaamu Alaikum,
No the man I am speaking of is who I recently married. He is not living with her either. He did live with her and their children for 2 months, after I left due to the drinking, by his words, because he missed living with his children desperately. But remained in love with me, and was actually on his way to come back to me when he got involved in these legal issues. He went to jail for a short period, and when he got out, he got into alcohol recovery and moved (alone) into a Muslim operated sober-living house. He has not been in a relationship with her in 9-10 months. And they have been divorced for 2 years. I also had a previous marriage, that ended 3 years ago. He & I were not previously married to each other, we were living together (this is before either of us found Islam). While we were both married to other people, we were ONLY friends, we just happened to get divorced around the same time, and ended-up falling in love. To clarify that neither of us left our marriages to be together. We were together for 2 years when I left him, THIS is when he moved back with his ex-wife and kids. He has made it clear to her that they will not be together again, but has not told her that he & I have reconciled and are now married, so she will not seek vengence in his trial (she is not a Muslim, to clarify that, as well). Which is also why he can't tell his kids, as they will tell her. He is afraid to tell ANY of his family, for fear it will get back to his ex-wife. His trial proceedings won't be over for another 3-4 months. He & I reconciled over 9 months ago, and I hadn't seen him in almost a year, until I went there to see him last month, when we married. We have been in contact by phone & letters this whole time. I know it's a hard story to follow, but the background is necessary. I love him very much, and he loves me, and we are trying to make the best of a hard situation. Insha Allah, when his trial is over, he is returning to me, and we will live together as a married couple. Until then, however, I am very bothered that I am being kept a COMPLETE secret to everyone in his life (aside from the man who led us both to Islam, the witnesses to our marriage, and another Muslim friend of his). More importantly, I fear for his soul, for keeping these deceptions going. I hope that clarifies the situation, and thank you for your response. If you have any advice for me please get back to me.
 
Manda said:
Asalaamu Alaikum,
No the man I am speaking of is who I recently married. He is not living with her either. He did live with her and their children for 2 months, after I left due to the drinking, by his words, because he missed living with his children desperately. But remained in love with me, and was actually on his way to come back to me when he got involved in these legal issues. He went to jail for a short period, and when he got out, he got into alcohol recovery and moved (alone) into a Muslim operated sober-living house. He has not been in a relationship with her in 9-10 months. And they have been divorced for 2 years. I also had a previous marriage, that ended 3 years ago. He & I were not previously married to each other, we were living together (this is before either of us found Islam). While we were both married to other people, we were ONLY friends, we just happened to get divorced around the same time, and ended-up falling in love. To clarify that neither of us left our marriages to be together. We were together for 2 years when I left him, THIS is when he moved back with his ex-wife and kids. He has made it clear to her that they will not be together again, but has not told her that he & I have reconciled and are now married, so she will not seek vengence in his trial (she is not a Muslim, to clarify that, as well). Which is also why he can't tell his kids, as they will tell her. He is afraid to tell ANY of his family, for fear it will get back to his ex-wife. His trial proceedings won't be over for another 3-4 months. He & I reconciled over 9 months ago, and I hadn't seen him in almost a year, until I went there to see him last month, when we married. We have been in contact by phone & letters this whole time. I know it's a hard story to follow, but the background is necessary. I love him very much, and he loves me, and we are trying to make the best of a hard situation. Insha Allah, when his trial is over, he is returning to me, and we will live together as a married couple. Until then, however, I am very bothered that I am being kept a COMPLETE secret to everyone in his life (aside from the man who led us both to Islam, the witnesses to our marriage, and another Muslim friend of his). More importantly, I fear for his soul, for keeping these deceptions going. I hope that clarifies the situation, and thank you for your response. If you have any advice for me please get back to me.
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Asalaamu Alaikum, yes my sister that is a very complex situation. The fact that you are still married to him then you should certainly still give things a go when he returns to you providing he has left behind his life of vices. If he hasn't left behind such a life then i do not see what else you can do but to leave him. When he returns then you should certainly have a very serious word with him telling him that you have waited so long for him and what woman would go through what you have and still waited. You should confront him as to why he has not told his family and why is he keeping you a secret when he has done so much bad in his life. He doesn't have to keep you a secret unless he is hiding something. You need to confront him about these issues.

If things become difficult then you should consider going through a counsellor or mediator. If things still are getting nowhere then you should inform a scholar regarding the next steps which may even possibly lead to divorce but this is the worst case scenario. The best thing you can do is wait for him to come home and to go through these issues with him. Be patient and understanding but firm that you need to get to the bottom of what is going on with him and you and whether or not there is a possible life together or not. This can be established after talking and going through things but you should keep an eye out and monitor him lest he goes back to his old ways.

Keep praying to Allah that he help and guide you and your husband and if you both are the best for each other then let things go well between you. Rely on Allah and whatever happens will be best for you.

My sister we as lay people in here unfortunatley do not have sufficient knowledge to guide you any further in such matters as it would be preferred for you to have the opinion of a reliable and experienced scholar of Islam on this matter.

If you would like i can try and locate one for you near your locality so that you can contact him and get proper scholarly advice regarding your circumstances with this man. Is that ok?
 
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Asalaamu Alaikum, I have actually been seeking someone local to me to instruct me as to many things regarding Islam, but I am in a rural area, and have limited transportation. So yes, if you are able to advise me of someone near me, or any resources, it would be appreciated greatly. Thank you for your advise. I definitely plan on working on this issue with him, we have obviously been through a lot together, and despite our past issues, he is worth it to me. If i hadn't known him for so long, I'd have probably given up a long time ago, but he is a good man, who has had some problems. Thank you again.
 
May Allah ease everything for you my precious and dear sister and May Allah be pleased with you and always guide you and your husband to His straight path where you find the endless peace and happiness Ameeeeen

Be patient and never be sad cause Allah Is with all of us...May Allah love you and reward you with the best always and forever Ameeeeeeeeeeen

Love you for the sake of Allah...

with all my respect, love and humility...your sister:

Amat Allah
 
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Thank you for your words of inspiration. I know the best advise is to trust in Allah and His will for me. My husband & I have both made numerous mistakes in life, but our fear and love of Allah has given us the strength to forgive and trust that as long as we open our hearts to His will, He will lead us on the straight path. Asalaamu Alaikum, sister.
 
your are very wellcome and Wa Alikum Assalaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh my precious ^^ Ameeeen
 

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