Thinking of converting for my boyfriend, thoughts?

[Grace102]

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all well.

I'm looking for some advice or information. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we are quite serious. I have not met his family yet and they do not know about me, for fear of a backlash that I am not Muslim/Indian.
I would really like to meet them at some point and would like to know what everyone thinks? My boyfriend thinks they will think poorly of me because I have not been raised Muslim/culturally similar. I don't know how to stop them thinking this about me? I am a respectable young white woman who is at University on the same course as my boyfriend.
I have been to Islamic information events in my area because I would be willing to convert if that was necessary - although I have no idea where I would even start, would it be awful to convert initially purely because of my boyfriend? Would people within the Islamic community respect me less for that?
I don't even know how to be religious? It has never been anything I was surrounded by at home growing up.
I am clueless - any information/advice would help.

Thank you.

 

[Alpha Dude]

God has wonderful ways of guiding people to Islam. It may be that this relationship is your means of guidance. Saying that, it's not a good idea to convert in name and for the sake of this guy only rather you should look into Islam, its message and principles and then take it as your religion if and when your heart is convinced. Anything else is just lying to yourself and others and in the long run, nothing good can come of it.

I would really like to meet them at some point and would like to know what everyone thinks? My boyfriend thinks they will think poorly of me because I have not been raised Muslim/culturally similar.

My assumption is that your boyfriend is not so serious about his religion but has parents and family who are and from their perspective (and from the Islamic perspective) having pre-marital relationships is not allowed. Muslim parents who are concerned about their adult offspring would want them to not get into pre-marital relationships and if they were to get married, they would want them to marry a Muslim. So, in which case they might not approve of their son's choice. Again, just an assumption.

However, as I've mentioned, look into Islam for yourself and if you believe it become a Muslim for your own benefit otherwise, I think it would be in your own interest to leave this man as it can only lead to heartache if he is not serious about marrying or being with you.

 

[Grace102]

Thank you Alpha Dude. What you're saying definitely makes sense - I agree maybe I should learn about it myself rather than purely for his sake.
May I ask, what gave you the impression that he is not serious about being in a relationship with me? Was it that he has not told his family?

Thank you.

 

[جوري]

My assumption is that your boyfriend is not so serious about his religion

what gave you the impression that he is not serious about being in a relationship with me?

Usually those who are serious about their religion don't take relationships outside of marriage for two years. I believe that is what he meant.
Hopefully your affairs and those of your BF will be rectified and you'll both do the right thing..

best,

 

[tigerkhan]

i read somewhere a companion of Prophet said when i became Muslim, it was not by heart but i cant refuse Prophet PBUH as i love him but later on i am convinced of Islam. so give it a go and let see if you feel happy and satisfied with it or not.
best of luck.

 

[Ali Mujahidin]

Off-hand, going by the information given in the OP, I don't think the bf would be the best person to ask about Islam. So unlink your connotation of Islam from the bf. Approach Islam with fresh eyes. Don't judge Islam by the conduct of the bf. Islam is a great religion. Lots of exciting things to find out about Islam. Ask and it shall be answered. Insha Allah.

 

[~Zaria~]

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all well.

I'm looking for some advice or information. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we are quite serious. I have not met his family yet and they do not know about me, for fear of a backlash that I am not Muslim/Indian.
I would really like to meet them at some point and would like to know what everyone thinks? My boyfriend thinks they will think poorly of me because I have not been raised Muslim/culturally similar. I don't know how to stop them thinking this about me? I am a respectable young white woman who is at University on the same course as my boyfriend.
I have been to Islamic information events in my area because I would be willing to convert if that was necessary - although I have no idea where I would even start, would it be awful to convert initially purely because of my boyfriend? Would people within the Islamic community respect me less for that?
I don't even know how to be religious? It has never been anything I was surrounded by at home growing up.
I am clueless - any information/advice would help.

Thank you.

Greetings Grace102,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

May I ask, what gave you the impression that he is not serious about being in a relationship with me? Was it that he has not told his family?

It occurs (quite frequently) that muslim men who have relationships with non-muslim women, do not carry any intentions of settling down with them.
This can be, because of a few reasons:

1. In Islam, muslim men are only permitted to marry muslim women (or practicing christian/ jewish women).

2. They are aware that their families would not entertain the thought of marriage to a non-muslim (and sometimes, even those who revert to Islam).

3. They are seeking a 'good time' (esp in the years of study on campus).....and they know that when the time comes to settle down, they will then look for a practicing muslim woman. So, whatever occurs before this period is about 'having fun', 'enjoying life', etc. - and their is no serious intention/ commitment towards marriage, at all.
(I hate to say this, but it occurs quite frequently: the type of muslim man who seeks pre-marital relationships, often (not always) does so with non-muslim women, as they are seen to be 'easy' targets - in the sense that they are (most often) not bound by a religious/ moral code that confines them in this regard.)

4. Finally, you may find the muslim brother who has, in a moment of weakness in imaan (faith) fallen for a woman - and he sincerely wants to change his ways and try to fix the situation, without hurting anyone that is involved.

If your bf has not suggested:

- that you revert to Islam, with the intention of marriage,
- ending the relationship because he has realized that it is haraam (forbidden)
- does not speak of a future with you - in terms of marriage/ raising children in islam, etc.

then, it is likely that he falls into categories 1-3.

My sister, if I were in your shoes, I would do the following:

Tell him that you have realized that this relationship is against the commands of God (for both him and yourself), as well as the fact that you wish to study more about Islam.
To be able to do so, it would be necessary that you have a period of seperation from each other - so that you can learn about the religion without his influence, and you will be doing so, because you are sincerely seeking the truth.

^ This is important for 2 reasons:
1. You will have the chance to learn about Islam for the correct reasons (i.e. not because of another person, but for yourself).

2. This will be a 'test' that you are actually putting him through:
If he is serious about you (in terms of marriage), he will be happy about this......and he will return to you (even if it is months later) in the desire to introduce you to his family and settle down, should you decide to revert.

If not, then you know you are wasting your time on this individual......but at least you would have gained something in the process:

The knowledge of your Creator, the One God that has created us all.
The One who desires that you return to Him, in this short period called 'life'.

As has been mentioned, perhaps this experience is the 'means to an end' - i.e. the means to finding the truth, in shaa Allah (God willingly).


Please let us know if there is any way that we can assist you in this regard.
We are more than happy to help you with any queries that you may have.

God bless

 

[Grace102]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for replying - just to clarify, my boyfriend is NOT a practicing Muslim, however his parents are.

Is there no way at all that I can help improve their view of me, apart from converting?

Thank you.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all well.

I'm looking for some advice or information. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we are quite serious. I have not met his family yet and they do not know about me, for fear of a backlash that I am not Muslim/Indian.
I would really like to meet them at some point and would like to know what everyone thinks? My boyfriend thinks they will think poorly of me because I have not been raised Muslim/culturally similar. I don't know how to stop them thinking this about me? I am a respectable young white woman who is at University on the same course as my boyfriend.
I have been to Islamic information events in my area because I would be willing to convert if that was necessary - although I have no idea where I would even start, would it be awful to convert initially purely because of my boyfriend? Would people within the Islamic community respect me less for that?
I don't even know how to be religious? It has never been anything I was surrounded by at home growing up.
I am clueless - any information/advice would help.

Thank you.

Greetings Grace,

As others have already mentioned to you, pre-marital relations in Islam are not permissible. Much of the time those young Muslims particularly those from strict cultures, who get into such relationships with non Muslims from the west like yourself, do not plan to remain in such a relationship for long nor do they plan on introducing their non Muslim partners to their parents. A few will but most will not. Your bf may or may not be of those who plan on taking your relationship to the next level and introducing you to his parents. That maybe why is has already expressed to you that his parents may not approve of you. This is the harsh reality with such relationships.

Most of these relationships just do not get anywhere. Ive seen it so many times myself. But one good thing is that some non Muslims do get introduced to Islam because of such relationships and many also end up reverting "for the right reasons" in that they end up truly believing in the Shahada (proclamation of Islamic faith) with their hearts. Some may convert for the wrong reasons at first but then end up believing with their hearts later on. Or some convert blindly and never do truly believe in Islam with their hearts. So you must believe in Islam truly with your heart before you ever contemplate in converting. You must never convert to please him or his parents. You cannot force his parents to accept you. Even if you do accept Islam they still may never accept you. That is the harsh reality of such a situation.

If i was to give you serious advice then it would be to begin to try and distance yourself from him. I know its easier said than done, but you have to protect yourself from getting hurt. The quicker you realise this relationship may not get anywhere the less hurt you will feel. Much of the time those Muslims who get into such relationships do not have any intentions of it going any further. It maybe that he is not even planning on introducing you to his parents because of "shame" etc. So what i am trying to say is that it is likely you are being used just as pass time. This is a harsh reality i know but it has to be said. So now is the time where you should protect your heart and also see if he really is serious or just using you as pass time. So the first step to take would be to take a step back and stop all physical relations with him.

This will also give you a perfect opportunity to judge your situation properly and see how serious he really is. Tell him you need to take time out and also that you want to look into Islam properly and not blindly convert just so that you can try and "fit in" to his family or just to please him or his parents as that just would not be sincere nor would it bring you any happiness. Use this break to start looking into Islam properly with an open heart to know about what Islam is really about. If there are any convert to Islam women around that you know of then talk to them. If you do not know of any then contact a few local Mosques and ask if they have convert women circles or meetings that you can attend for ths is the best way for you to see Islam from the perspective of a new Muslim woman in your country.

Just remember that If you do try and convert for the wrong reasons then this is not valid in Islam and nor will it make your relationship work or gain acceptance from his family. So you must take a step back from this situation and take some time out to do proper research and thinking bout your situation. If he really is serious about you then let him prove it by action and not just words. He would then respect your decision and give you that space to think and do proper research. Take your time there is no need to rush into anything as that may backfire. Please let us know your progress.

You will find the following links very helpful in your research to begin with:

Free Resources on Islam

http://www.islamicboard.com/discover-islam/134306218-free-e-books-resources-islam.html