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Thread: Trial in a marriage =(
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sadsister

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Salaamaleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu!

I am new here and i registered to get some advices and help.
I am a converted muslim sister alhamdulillah.
My marriage has lasted now for 5 years and i am facing some
serious difficulties. My husbands behaviour is something i can not
tolerate and / or understand. I apologize for this point if i lay out
some secrets that it is only family affair, but i can not hold it inside
me any longer.
My husband talks with other women online, he talks very, very, intime and private things and on the other hand, he is planning another marriage with some other women, also online.,
These things really hurt me, when i ask him about those things and
what is he up to exactly, he get's furious and beats me.
Just recently, when i asked him about those matters(other ladys,
and chatting in front of me) he said that for him i am just a housekeeper,
someone who takes care of his kids =(. He called me names that you can't even hear on the street told to the most cheap women.
I tried to tell myself that he said this cause out of anger, but since that,
there hasn't been anything else except punishing me and talking to me
very harshly, beating included. Before i started asking him this, we were doing really well in every portion of life but my mind got a hold
on me and i had to ask cause it was bothering me truly and i weren't able to go on my daily life when i was just thinking and crying all the time.
Did i do wrong in islam when i asked about such matter?
Am i suppose to just hold on and be happy and ignore those matters?
What shall i do?
I regret so much now that i asked him, we would be doing good if i just holded and waited. =(
On the other hand, his reaction tells me that there is something truly wrong, normal person's action woudn't be such an abusive matter if there was nothing to hide. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.
Give me some advice!
 
[FONT=&quot]Wa'alaikum as’salaam wa rahmatullaah wa Barakaatuh[/FONT]


What your husband is doing is haraam and very sinful. He needs to be aware of the Islamic Manners when talking to women. and needs to stop his unislamic and haram behavior. This is nothing short of virtual adultery.



He also needs to give you your islamic rights by providing for you, treating you with kindness and being a good husband. How can he even think of a 2nd marriage when he can't even fulfill the obligations and responsibilities of the first one. You have every right to question and ask him what he is doing online and what not, he has no place to be doing what he is doing.



I don't know if you have any kids in this marriage or not but having them could complicate things. Nonetheless, the best choice for you would be to talk to an imam or islamic marriage counselor. If he is abusive and unwilling to listen to you than clearly marriage counseling is in order as well as imam intervention to knock some sense into him. Also, try to avoid making him go crazy so he doesn't go all abusive on you and continue to make dua for his hidayaat, what's good for you and your marriage.
[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
sadsister said:
Salaamaleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu!

I am new here and i registered to get some advices and help.
I am a converted muslim sister alhamdulillah.
My marriage has lasted now for 5 years and i am facing some
serious difficulties. My husbands behaviour is something i can not
tolerate and / or understand. I apologize for this point if i lay out
some secrets that it is only family affair, but i can not hold it inside
me any longer.
My husband talks with other women online, he talks very, very, intime and private things and on the other hand, he is planning another marriage with some other women, also online.,
These things really hurt me, when i ask him about those things and
what is he up to exactly, he get's furious and beats me.
Just recently, when i asked him about those matters(other ladys,
and chatting in front of me) he said that for him i am just a housekeeper,
someone who takes care of his kids =(. He called me names that you can't even hear on the street told to the most cheap women.
I tried to tell myself that he said this cause out of anger, but since that,
there hasn't been anything else except punishing me and talking to me
very harshly, beating included. Before i started asking him this, we were doing really well in every portion of life but my mind got a hold
on me and i had to ask cause it was bothering me truly and i weren't able to go on my daily life when i was just thinking and crying all the time.
Did i do wrong in islam when i asked about such matter?
Am i suppose to just hold on and be happy and ignore those matters?
What shall i do?
I regret so much now that i asked him, we would be doing good if i just holded and waited. =(
On the other hand, his reaction tells me that there is something truly wrong, normal person's action woudn't be such an abusive matter if there was nothing to hide. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.
Give me some advice!
Click to expand...

This is so sadimsad I hate hearing a woman has been beaten:heated: I don't care who says it's ok! It's not! God forgive me for what i would become if I were to be around this man when he did this!

I pray somehow God makes it easier on you.Amen
 
Salam Alakum to all!

Subhanallah.... Dear Sadsister...

This is a trial time from Allah and you have to be strong.. Under no circumstances, should he be beating/hitting you... It is against the teaching of Islam...

My best bet would be to keep living your life according to the deen and eventually, Inshallah, he will come clean...

What's more important to you at this moment is not to be repeatly being abused and the safety of yourself and the children!

I don't know exactly what the situation is at present.. but best bet is to talk to either your brother/father... in a clam way and ask for their opinions and advise...

May Allah ease your problems! Ameen
 
Asalamu Alaykum,

May Allah make things easy for you, ameen.

Sister, if you live in the UK, try contacting the Islamic Da'wah Acdademy for advice. Their number is (0116) 262-5440. I believe they can offer matrimonial advice. You can also email them at: [email protected]
 
^ameen, you are going through a hard test sister please seek help from some 1 like imam or from the link the brother posted.

don't let him get away with beating you though you have to put a stop to this.

Even if you have to call the police cos he's beating you do it, your safety comes first.
 
:sl:
speak to reliable imam =)

I tried to tell myself that he said this cause out of anger, but since that,
there hasn't been anything else except punishing me and talking to me
Click to expand...
anger or no anger this isnt an excuse to treat someone like rubbish.
this is when things go wrong in a marriage...when the spouses keep making excuses and as a result get walked all over.

On the other hand, his reaction tells me that there is something truly wrong, normal person's action woudn't be such an abusive matter if there was nothing to hide. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.
Click to expand...

dont listen to him and dont let yourself take the blame. if you know you have done nothing wrong, there is no need to worry.

may allah ease your burdens.
 
sadsister said:
Salaamaleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu!

I am new here and i registered to get some advices and help.
I am a converted muslim sister alhamdulillah.
My marriage has lasted now for 5 years and i am facing some
serious difficulties. My husbands behaviour is something i can not
tolerate and / or understand. I apologize for this point if i lay out
some secrets that it is only family affair, but i can not hold it inside
me any longer.
My husband talks with other women online, he talks very, very, intime and private things and on the other hand, he is planning another marriage with some other women, also online.,
These things really hurt me, when i ask him about those things and
what is he up to exactly, he get's furious and beats me.
Just recently, when i asked him about those matters(other ladys,
and chatting in front of me) he said that for him i am just a housekeeper,
someone who takes care of his kids =(. He called me names that you can't even hear on the street told to the most cheap women.
I tried to tell myself that he said this cause out of anger, but since that,
there hasn't been anything else except punishing me and talking to me
very harshly, beating included. Before i started asking him this, we were doing really well in every portion of life but my mind got a hold
on me and i had to ask cause it was bothering me truly and i weren't able to go on my daily life when i was just thinking and crying all the time.
Did i do wrong in islam when i asked about such matter?
Am i suppose to just hold on and be happy and ignore those matters?
What shall i do?
I regret so much now that i asked him, we would be doing good if i just holded and waited. =(
On the other hand, his reaction tells me that there is something truly wrong, normal person's action woudn't be such an abusive matter if there was nothing to hide. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.
Give me some advice!
Click to expand...

You cannot keep on tolerating the abuse of this coward perverted man. Is it ok for you to mention what ethnicity your husband belongs to? Is he a "born Muslim" or accepted Islam like you did? Is it an inter-racial marriage?
 
Salaamaleikum All!

I can't thank enough you all for the support and compassion! Alhamdulillah!

Some answers for the questions:
My husband is a natural born muslim, arab. I am from europe but not england. I became a muslim before our marriage. We have two beautiful kids mashAllah.
What makes me wonder this situation more is that he is one of the leaders in our local mosque, this has made me wonder the whole islam.
The shaytaan is whispering to me that if this is islam, then i don't want it astaghfirullah! It's hard to see someone "religious" doing things like that in front of me
and then others think that he is very pious and honest.
I by myself try to do the very opposite, i pray for him and make duaa for him that he correct his ways and understand what he is doing. Sometimes i am thinking that maybe there is something serious sin i have done that i get punished now, by a difficult husband, like a trial will i ask for a divorce-which he would never ever give me.
Here we don't have any kind of marriage counseling, or even big imams who could solve it. And on the other hand, he would never agree to go to solve things with anyone else, he says that our family business is not anyones business.
I have isolated myself from all the muslim sisters around, one of the reason is that he says they are not good and they just make back biting. Maybe it's true and i obeyd him. But my mind says that he just don't want anyone to know our situation.
Right now, we continue like this, i am his housekeeper and care taker. I cope with it for now as i am waiting from Allah something better to come on my way, some solution. I don't know is it from shaytaan or is it fitna, but i get really sad and actually jelious when i see some other sisters very happy with their husbands and i know the husband don't beat them or call them ugly names or other bad things that occures. =(
Is it possible that this kind of matter in a marriage could be a punishment for me?
Someone already said before that it surely is a trial. I believe so.
But i must say that this issue for me is very heart breaking and vicious.

Forgive me if i have said something that it's not correct and hurting someones feelings.
 
Wa alaykum salam,

Sister, although you're in Europe, you can still try talking to the people I gave the email address of earlier.
 
.......................................
 
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sadsister said:
Salaamaleikum All!

I can't thank enough you all for the support and compassion! Alhamdulillah!

Some answers for the questions:
My husband is a natural born muslim, arab. I am from europe but not england. I became a muslim before our marriage. We have two beautiful kids mashAllah.
What makes me wonder this situation more is that he is one of the leaders in our local mosque, this has made me wonder the whole islam.
The shaytaan is whispering to me that if this is islam, then i don't want it astaghfirullah! It's hard to see someone "religious" doing things like that in front of me
and then others think that he is very pious and honest.
I by myself try to do the very opposite, i pray for him and make duaa for him that he correct his ways and understand what he is doing. Sometimes i am thinking that maybe there is something serious sin i have done that i get punished now, by a difficult husband, like a trial will i ask for a divorce-which he would never ever give me.
Here we don't have any kind of marriage counseling, or even big imams who could solve it. And on the other hand, he would never agree to go to solve things with anyone else, he says that our family business is not anyones business.
I have isolated myself from all the muslim sisters around, one of the reason is that he says they are not good and they just make back biting. Maybe it's true and i obeyd him. But my mind says that he just don't want anyone to know our situation.
Right now, we continue like this, i am his housekeeper and care taker. I cope with it for now as i am waiting from Allah something better to come on my way, some solution. I don't know is it from shaytaan or is it fitna, but i get really sad and actually jelious when i see some other sisters very happy with their husbands and i know the husband don't beat them or call them ugly names or other bad things that occures. =(
Is it possible that this kind of matter in a marriage could be a punishment for me?
Someone already said before that it surely is a trial. I believe so.
But i must say that this issue for me is very heart breaking and vicious.

Forgive me if i have said something that it's not correct and hurting someones feelings.
Click to expand...
why do we get to hear this a lot in interracial marriages, especially when the woman is a revert to Islam .... I think revert Muslimahs must adopt a strict stance in marrying "born Muslims" from now on and not fall prey to the thoughts that these guys are ideal ... just cuz they were born in Islam ...

May Allah rectify your husband or break his back if he is not willing to stop this violence on you.
 
Salaamaleikum everyone!

Many people here seem to hold on to this beating issue. But as i have been living with it for years now, its a lot easier to take those punches than to be abandonded emotionally and physically. Any sister or even a brother can relate and imagine how that must feel like. I feel very hurted and abused.
I feel he has been laughing at me for years while chatting all over, i just happened to open my eyes for it so late. I have no doubt about his actions, it's black on white.
And he doesn't even try to hide his joy while talking with them in front of me, every single day.
I understand taking another wife is allowed for him
but i can't see a reason for it! I am young, not sick or unable to fulfill his needs, able to bring kids, fully veiled, obey Allah's commands and obey him.
What more can he want?
Obviosly my iman is very low cause i feel this way. I just couldn't bare him having another family, it would kill me.

But here i come to my question: is it allowed to first get to know the womens private matters and way after that start to suggest to marry her? Or is it just about the intension of the talking? If intension is marriage, is this kind of chatting allowed?
 
Some answers for the questions:
My husband is a natural born muslim, arab. I am from europe but not england. I became a muslim before our marriage. We have two beautiful kids mashAllah.
What makes me wonder this situation more is that he is one of the leaders in our local mosque, this has made me wonder the whole islam.
The shaytaan is whispering to me that if this is islam, then i don't want it astaghfirullah! It's hard to see someone "religious" doing things like that in front of me and then others think that he is very pious and honest.
Click to expand...

ukthee, i can understand why you may associate Islam by the way you have been treated, but they are 2 separate issues
i have honestly seen men whose people love for their deen and service to the Muslim community, are full bearded, follow the sunnah in every other way, but come to their own wife and family, its a very very different story. trust me, these men aren't worth loosing your precious deen over hew

but then again, i've seen brothers who are exactly like i described and yet treat their wives and families with their due rights and respect.

so try not to muddle one issue with another =)

if you cant find an Imam to speak to try writing to one online/send a letter to the next nearest imam there are a lot of issues involved in your situation that i dont think you will be able to get help with on an online forum =)

all the best and keep up the dua...
 
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any kind of relationship outside the marriage is haram.
there is no such things has dating and chatting with opposite gender.

so what he did is very wrong.Allah knows the best
 
salamo alaykom,

i feel sad to hear your husband is doing these things to you im so sorry but Muslim man are not like this at all. your husband is obviously doing wrong from what we can see so far.

is it possible to divorce this man, who only seems to be muslim by name, but not muslim in his adab/manners? or can you talk to him and tell him to fear Allah, or maybe since he is a mosque leader, you can send him a similar case to yours, but dont let him know it is you, then he will give answer as to what a person in such situation should do.

may Allah help you sister, and its inspiring to see you still strong, after seeing muslim men behaviour like this. usually a person may leave this deen when what is happening to them like this. take care sister, may Allah protect you.
 
Salam sister.
I truly feel for you. You should not be tolerating beatings for years as you say you have. What he is doing is haram upon haram upon haram. You have every right to seek divorce and he cannot stop you. What effect must this be having on your children? Even if it doesnt happen in front of them they will be affected by it they will know. If not for yourself them please do it for your children-get out of this marriage. That isthe best possible advice I can give you and I will pray for you.
 
.........................................
 
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:sl:
got v.sad by ur post....May ALLAH swt make things easy for u.
one thing i want to add more.....if u see some1 doing wrong things, closed ur eyes from him.dont make tajusus/detections of Him. Prayer has much power and if some1 is mazlomm/weak, his/her prayer are most accepatble. So pray for Him and urself.
soory for my weak englisg vacabulary.
:wa: