Jazaka Allah khyran..
I don't stand to gain anything by telling the brother, that he might want to consider working with an editor.. Allah swt knows my intention was to offer the best help I could..
I just wanted to share a sample before and after from the site.. someone applying to graduate school: maybe in and of itself would spark some ideas..
Sample Graduate Application Essay-
Before
When I walked through my front door, the first thing I noticed was the odor. Then, I heard the groaning. I remember the occasion quite vividly, although it was ten years ago. My sister and I had just returned from the park with a neighbor, expecting everything to be normal. I soon discovered that nothing would ever be normal again.
Since my time in school I have always known that science and technology was the direction I would take in my studies. It was a fascination that still carries on with me to this day. In my first chemistry class in high school I became conscious of the feeling that chemistry was something I really enjoyed. Since that time I have been down many paths that have led me back to the field of chemistry.
The first chemistry course I took in high school was much like any other class. It was not too involved and was geared toward learning the basics. However, I did well and was given the opportunity to take an AP chemistry course, which I lunged at taking. The instructor, Mr. Miller, tasked us with choosing a topic to research throughout the semester, in addition to regular coursework. This was my first real introduction into research. I enjoyed going to the local universities and spending time looking through all the material.
Additionally, I wanted to be a pilot for the United States Air Force. The appeal of flight to me was great, and I spent much of my time devoted to becoming a pilot. Through much physical and mental preparation I made it into the United States Air Force Academy. My dream of becoming a pilot was well on its way. I had gone through glider training and soloed in my first aircraft. I also still had a fondness for science and opted for the science and engineering track of courses offered at the Academy. However, after two years there I learned that I would not become a pilot after all. My vision was not up to Air Force standards. It was a demoralizing setback, but one I knew I could overcome. I left the Academy and returned to my hometown school, the University of Texas Austin.
My first semester at UTA was a difficult semester during which I did not know what I wanted to do any more. I knew I liked chemistry but I wasn't sure it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. The military had taught me to persevere in times of adversity, so I stuck with the chemistry program. The chemistry department at UTA took me in and showed me what chemistry was all about. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time in labs performing experiments and learning the basics of chemistry. However, I needed more than laid out lab experiments from the books. This motivated me to seek an opportunity to perform research with Dr. John Rove. After speaking with him, he offered me a position in his group doing research on decomposition mechanisms of electro-optic dyes. Taking him up on his offer was likely the turning point in my education as an undergraduate chemist. If not for his personal guidance and help, I doubt I would be where I am today: a young chemist with motivation and a love for chemistry.
The research I performed involved finding suitable organic dyes for electro-optic modulators. After gaining some experience in the lab and conducting long hours of research, I was able to present my research at American Chemical Society regional and national meetings. Networking with other chemists and seeing their research allowed me to see the full value of the courses I've taken as an undergraduate. It was also during this time I decided to make chemistry a career.
When I completed my bachelor's degree I had a two year commitment in the US Air Force which I am currently close to completing. My time in the Air Force as an intelligence analyst has given me real world experience which I know I will need in the future. Completing tasks while communicating with many different people in extremely time sensitive situations has provided me with skills that no book or classroom can offer.
I think that my coursework and undergraduate research experience at the University of Texas at Austin have provided me with the foundation for further study as a graduate student. While interested in broad ranges of topics in chemistry, I am partial to inorganic and materials chemistry. My next goal is to attain a PhD in chemistry. I know I am ready to put forth the time and effort to obtain this goal.
I believe that the University of Texas at San Antonio has the resources to allow me to accomplish my goals. Perseverance, determination, and hard work are the keys to being a successful graduate student and I am ready and willing to conquer this challenge. These traits will not only help me in my graduate studies but will carry on in my goals to be a successful student and chemist.
after
"This semester," bellowed the teacher as he addressed the room of high school seniors, "I will make you all chemists." The class let out a collective groan. The teacher continued unfazed. "You will all have to complete a real research project using the facilities of local universities." Like most of my classmates in the AP Chemistry course, I dreaded the huge amount of work that loomed before me. Little did I know that this work would help determine my future. In the months ahead, I committed more time to this one course than I ever had before, poring over chemistry textbooks and working in the laboratory into the early hours of the morning. I always had an inkling that my future lay in science and technology, and this experience proved it beyond question. The methodical laboratory preparations, the interweaving of theory and practice, and the tangible results of a successful experiment all appealed to my disciplined and inquisitive nature. By the end of my senior year, I had developed a solid foundation in the principles of chemistry, and just as my teacher had promised, I was on my way to becoming a chemist.
Despite my growing interest in chemistry, I still harbored dreams of becoming a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force at the time of my high school graduation. Even as I spent my evenings in the laboratory for AP Chemistry, I woke up early in the morning to run and do a routine of sit-ups and pushups. I was preparing for the rigorous physical and mental demands of the Air Force Academy. Over the course of previous summers, I had experienced the sweeping rush of glider school and had soloed in my first motorized aircraft. I hoped for the challenging life of an Air Force pilot and was on my way to making it a reality through sweaty self-discipline and intense mental focus. On one sunny afternoon, I saw a thick letter with a Colorado postmark in my mailbox. I was now a cadet at the Academy.
As with all military institutions, the first years at the Academy were intensely demanding. Strenuous endurance tests, high-level academic work, and hazing by upperclassmen made a junior cadet's life extremely trying. Nonetheless, I thrived during these years because I never lost my sense of focus or my love of chemistry. Even as I dreamed of being a fighter pilot, I found my chemistry courses to be highly engaging and challenging. All cadets were given a choice of academic tracks, and I had chosen science and engineering. As in high school, I worked in the laboratory late at night and ran early in the morning. Whenever I got fatigued, I just remembered how close I was to fulfilling my goal of becoming a pilot.
After a visit to the ophthalmologist one day, my dreams of airborne glory were abruptly shot down. My vision did not meet the Air Force standards required of pilots. It was a crushing blow, and at first I did not know what to do. Nonetheless, I knew that I was not without direction. Once again, my life pushed me towards studying chemistry. This was a subject that I knew I would enjoy, so I packed up my science textbooks, threw away my flight training manuals, and headed back to my hometown college, the University of Texas at Austin (UTA).
As much as I had loved chemistry before, my studies at UTA convinced me that I had found the right vocation. I was particularly inspired by Dr. John Rove. Like my high school chemistry teacher, Dr. Rove knew that the best way to instill an appreciation for the field was through active research and meaningful laboratory work. He believed that one should never learn from a book what one could learn from a beaker, flask, or Bunsen burner. As soon as I explained my experience and interest in the field to him, he offered me a position in his group doing research on the decomposition mechanisms of electro-optic dyes. The research I performed involved finding suitable organic dyes for electro-optic modulators. After months of grueling work and wise guidance from Dr. Rove, I was ready to present my research at regional and national meetings of the American Chemical Society. Networking with chemists from around the country allowed me to glimpse not only other possible fields of chemical research, but also the potential career options I might want to pursue. Had it not been for Dr. Rove's personal guidance and help, I doubt that my future career plans in chemistry would be as clear as they are today.
Because of my two-year commitment to the United States Air Force, I was unable to apply to graduate school directly after college. Instead, I spent two years serving as an intelligence officer. From this job, I have greatly improved my analytic ability, communication skills, pressure management techniques, and patience as a researcher. Like chemists, intelligence officers often have to construct coherent models of reality from incomplete pieces of data. This position has offered me insights and training that no classroom setting could match. Nonetheless, I am ready to return to my first love, chemistry.
Although my life has taken some unexpected turns in the last few years, the field of chemistry has been an unwavering companion and a source of intellectual interest. Whether it was discovering research in high school, learning advanced chemical theories at the Air Force Academy, or presenting my findings at meetings of the Chemical Society, the lure of studying physical structures has always guided my decisions. My advanced research in electro-optic modulators and my course work in classes such as Molecular Orbital Theory have given me the analytical ability, laboratory skills, and theoretical knowledge to excel in a rigorous doctoral program. During my Ph.D. studies, I intend to focus on inorganic and materials chemistry in order to design new materials for use in industry. By a stroke of fate, the weak vision that prevented me from becoming a fighter pilot allowed me to envision my future as a successful chemist.
It is all the same simply phrased in a different order and more eloquently..
