Uncomfortable with someone. Please read ;(. unusual situation causing anxiety

[anonymous]

Assalamu alaykum. My mind has been bothering me lately. I am a female btw. I am 16 and I wear jilbab/curtain outside wit head covered and I usually wear abayas (or very loose pants and shirt but mostly abayas) in the house too so Ican be modest. my brother is 25. I put on hijab when I turned 14 alhamdulilah.

Well. I get seriously angry by every single little thing by older brother does. I feel bad.. He is a good person for the most part and he prays.

Well when I was like 11 years old, my brother did some things to me. Just sometimes he would try to poke my chest. and soon he would come to me when I was "asleep" (I wwas half asleep but I pretended cause I was nervous but my other brother came to stop my brother) and he would stick his hand up my shirt and feel my chest. I am sorry for being graphic. It has stuck with me for many years now. I'm pretty sure that time he used to be a kafir/or maybe just unreligious so I try not to look back.

But now I get paranoid by everythhing he does and i get super angry. Even when he pokes my waist or just randomly pokes me. I know my OTHER brother wrestles me sometimes and he always avoids contact with my chest out of respect and when we play fight he never hits my private areas or chest.

But still, I don't know. My older brother who is 25 now, he prays. But sometimes he makes me feel alert still. He asked if he could punch my (chest) to see how it feels, I said yes because i was uncomfortable and wanted him off. One time he has boxed randomly at me for fun and he kept hitting my chest over and over again and said " I felt a pop". He has commented on my body so I always wear abayas inside now. He busts into my room. And I hate these tight hugs he gives me I dont know if all this stuff is coincidental or not. He's kicked my chest for fun and attempted another time too. He has made comments. And he has commented on my bras after accidentally seeing them when busting in. I know he used to watch porn as a teen but i dont think he does it because he is into his deen (to an extent). Hes taken bananas and hit my chest with them to "see if it hurts".

Sometimes he'll hug me once in awhile like a brother would but it feels so uncomfortable I just cant wait for it to end because I dont like the way he'll hug with me or tackle me down in bed. My OTHER brother sometimes lays and hugs me while on the couch or something but he has never done anything weird to me.

I was so embarrassed today too especially. I was exercising(squats) in my room private with very tight shorts on and a tight shirt and my sister was in the room (she respects me and never looks at me when I am in this clothing, she was watching her show). Well he came upstairs and started looking at me from behind and I was very awkward and uncomfortable because I always wear abayas in the house. And he kept looking at me from behind and I just kept carrying on because I didnt know what to do. I looked at him through my mirror while exercising and he kept looking so much and he makes and inappropriate comment on my bossom and then I got embarrassed so I smacked him and he just started laughing saying "she gets so mad" and my sister was laughing.


Anyways, there are more events, Im starting to think they aren't coincidences. I just feel so bad because he is a good brother. And I dont know what to do. These keep building up and even once I got sleep paralysis with the memory replaying (the memory that happened when I was 11)

I told my sister because I am close to her. I told her not to tell anyone. She kept telling me to confront him but I just can't. Its too hard and I don't know. Whats funny is the night I was ranting to her about everything, he happened to come up. I was terrified because I thought he heard everything. But no. and by Allah, my sister noticed how touchy and weird he was being and pushing me onto the bed. I'm glad that she's been noticing patterns.

I don't know what to do, I might just keep dealing with this ccrap. It is so hard to tell anyone. My other brother is modernized now so he honestly woukdnt think much. My dad has anger problems and if i told him, im afraig my brother would suffer. I dont want to tell my brother myself because Im afraid he'll think I'm overreacting. And I don't want him to realize that Ive been building all this stuff up.

I dont know. I get so uncomfortable around him even if he is not even doing anything to me. i hate this. I have anxiety from this and I know these things may sound not that bad to you guys but it is affecting me. I dont want my family members to think Im being dramatic and trying to seek attention or being evil for assuming intentions.

And is it haram to comment on your sister's body parts/shape?

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

Please understand, this is NOT normal. For your brother to be doing ANY of this is NOT a normal thing. It has NOTHING to do with him being religious or not. There is something very wrong here and I think you feel that.

Do not let him cross boundaries ever again. Don't make excuses for him. You need to protect yourself just as you would from a nonmahram. He actually should not be touching you or playing with you like this especially with you being at this age. There's a point where naturally brothers and sisters don't play around in general, but this type of play, wrestling and touching parts that should not be touched is never ever ok at any age to begin with, and these lines have been crossed for far too long...and it's obvious your brother's mind is not so innocent.

 

[anonymous]

Yeah I will have to stop him. It is very annoying now because I have always planned on telling him to stop but then I get too awkward and do nothing so I just keep building up anger at myself and my brother. I just want to stay away from him overall now. Just being next to him will ruin my mood and now I lock my room door because I don't want him in

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I don't know, I might not be firm enough. But I have told him stop many times and he keeps doing it over and over again and saying i'm overreacting so I just tried thinking for awhile maybe I am overreacting so I stopped trying to stop him. But now that I stopped, it is starting to get worse again and I am getting very angrry I cant even focus in prayers

 

[anonymous]

And then I also end up feeling very guilty for getting angry at him because he is a responsible(for the most part) and funny brother. Us siblings always get along better with each other than we do with our parents. I keep constantly changing my mind because I have a tendancy to feel very bad after being firm with people who hurt me,. Especially when everyone thinks I am "overreacting"

 

[Muhammad]

wa alaykum assalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh sister,

As sister charisma said, this is totally unacceptable. You have to realise that you are under-reacting, not over-reacting. Even good people have flaws, so don't think that what he is doing can be overlooked. Rather, you must put a stop to this right away by being very firm with him, otherwise he will think it is fine to continue, then the problem will remain and you will suffer more. Think about someone who is close to you that you could confide in and who might be able to help you. Perhaps re-consider speaking to your father, or at least threaten to tell him if your brother doesn't stop.

But you must be strong, sister. You know what is right and wrong, so don't be fooled into thinking otherwise. In sha Allah you will find someone who will understand the seriousness of the situation and will be the best help to you. For now, continue wearing loose clothing/abayas and maintain distance from your brother. When you are in your room then keep it locked.

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala help you and grant you a way out from every difficulty, Aameen.

 

[Studentofdeed]

Sister i agree with the moderators. Threatening however isn't enough. Because st first i thought the boy was young so he may have been curious but this is not good if he is older and behaving this way. Tell your mother or your father. Because your brother needs to be told this is HIGHLY inappropriate. Not so he can stop doing this to you but think that if he doesn't stop or Insha'Allah never harm you, he could harm someone else. These can be prevented at home by parents. Problem is some parents have the potential to stop abuse but they bury their head in the sand and don't educate the kids about this stuff. There has to be some guidelines or boundaries. Insha'Allah Allah make it easier for you. The least you should do is tell your older sister or your older brother. The one who looks out for you. This is so there is some awareness going on.

 

[Al-Ansariyah]

Assalamualaikum
Source: Islamqa

Ques. My paternal uncle molested me several times. And after that I told my father what had happened, but his reaction did not reflect the seriousness of what my uncle did to me. Now I see my father is on very good terms with my uncle, and he invites him to stay overnight with us in our house, and he treats him very kindly. I cannot stand this. What is the punishment for my father? And if I feel hatred towards my father, is there any sin on me?.


Answer
Praise be to Allah.

You did well to complain about your uncle to your father. It was a wise move that is indicative of wisdom, good character and religious commitment. We ask Allaah to give your more of His bounty and to protect you. But you should not hasten to pass judgement on your father and hate him, or doubt his keenness to protect you and take care of you.

Yes, he should be more firm with his brother who molested you several times. The least that he should do is not let him stay overnight in your house and trust him with his house, family and honour. Rather he should not let him visit you and see you. The gheerah (protective jealousy) that is prescribed in sharee’ah means that he should threaten to sever ties with him, because children are a trust that is given to their father, and he is responsible for protecting and taking care of this trust.

It was narrated from Ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ““Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. … A man is the shepherd of his household and is responsible for his flock.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2554) and Muslim (1829).

But some fathers fall short in that due to lack of awareness and poor judgement, or because they place excessive trust in their brother, or they feel that their brother has repented and regrets it, and that his molestation was just a mistake.

Do not hasten to accuse your father and think that he is neglecting his honour and that of his daughters. Try to resolve this issue by talking to him frankly and discussing with him, and seek the help of your mother and siblings. Try to convince him of the seriousness of the matter and that he should not take it lightly, especially since he did react, but his reaction was weak as you described in your question. Whatever the case, it indicates that your father is concerned to some extent.

If he wants to give his brother a second chance, that should not be by giving him permission to stay overnight at your house, for that is helping the shaytaan to gain power over him. Rather he should stay away from you and not mixing with you. If he wants to stay in touch with him, that should be between them, without you, the family members, having anything to do with it.

If your father insists – Allaah forbid – on bringing his brother to mix with you and welcoming him to your house, it is not permissible for you to keep quiet and agree in that case. You have to be strong and courageous so that you can complain about your father to the closest people to your family who you think are religiously committed, of good character and wise, and seek their help to resolve the problem that you are facing. You will certainly find someone who will understand the seriousness of the situation and will be the best help to you in sha Allaah.

Throughout all this you have to observe full shar’i hijab. In many cases molestation among relatives happens because of carelessness in covering the ‘awrah in front of them, so you will see a girl wearing very tight clothes, and uncovering her legs and arms and more than that, on the basis that she is sitting with her mahrams, but she does not know that the shaytaan may whisper to a person to commit every haraam action, and that a person may be tempted by what he sees of his mahram’s charms, especially if he is young.

You have to keep away from the places where this uncle of yours can see you, and cut off all ties with him completely. Do not sit in a gathering where he is, and do not say salaams to him. If you can find a house of one of your mahrams who is of good character and religious commitment, then go and stay there until this bad uncle leaves your house.

Here we should point out an important matter, if no appropriate action was taken to deal with this problem and if your father is negligent towards the misbehaviour of his treacherous brother; in that case we should point out that the responsibility for yourself and your religious commitment falls on your shoulders, and you should try to make up for this lack of protective jealousy on your father’s part and his failure to take good care of you and look after you, especially with regard to matters of religion and virtue, by maintaining your hijab, and keeping away from haraam mixing and being alone with a member of the opposite sex.

Allaah knows your situation, and He knows that you love modesty and hate immorality, and that you are striving to ward off all fitnah. He will decree your reward for that abundantly and in full, in sha Allaah, with no shortfall.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Verily, the Muslims (those who submit to Allaah in Islam) men and women, the believers men and women (who believe in Islamic Monotheism), the men and the women who are obedient (to Allaah), the men and women who are truthful (in their speech and deeds), the men and the women who are patient (in performing all the duties which Allaah has ordered and in abstaining from all that Allaah has forbidden), the men and the women who are humble (before their Lord ___ Allaah), the men and the women who give Sadaqaat (i.e. Zakaah and alms), the men and the women who observe Sawm (fast) (the obligatory fasting during the month of Ramadân, and the optional Nawafil fasting), the men and the women who guard their chastity (from illegal sexual acts) and the men and the women who remember Allaah much with their hearts and tongues.Allaah has prepared for them forgiveness and a great reward (i.e. Paradise)”

[al-Ahzaab 33:35]

And Allaah knows best.