Unsure what to do with life

[3askalany]

Salam Alaikum,

I'm a Muslim male by birth and practice in his later 20's. It's the time to get married if you listen to advice of friends and family. The problem is I'm confused about my life and also don't really know what I want in a girl as I've never dated before.

I was born and raised in the US and had a normal childhood up to about age 12. In middle school issue of relationships and crushes came up and school parties and what not. I wasn't really practicing. I'd just go to Arabic and Islamic school on weekends and had Muslim friends that I relied on. One Arabic Christian girl particularly liked me and wed talk for hours on end and got in a relationship but when it started getting physical I broke it off for fear of falling physical acts of haram. But I felt bad about it as this girl really liked me and she would take care of me. But I felt I had my Muslim friends to fall back on. Until high school where we separated. And I started being extreme about avoiding haram that I wouldn't interact with opposite sex at all and wouldn't go to hardly any social events for said reasons. Thinking I'd be fine with family, school social interaction and Muslim friends. I began losing everyone and even many guy friends because they wanted me to do more exciting things and especially hangout with girls outside school.

This socially stunted me badly and put me in a big depression that lasted well into my mid 20's. I lost almost everyone and was completely alone and the isolation affected my mental health badly. So I pretty much didn't have a life at all until 26. Where I found my way into somewhat fixing things after a long struggle of attempts. But I had no relationships at all. But at least I graduated and gained weight and got a job.

But I had no relationships at all. And wasn't good with talking to girls. So I asked family to help find potentials for marriage but I talked to two girls from a marriage group and it didn't work out and I told my family to stop. I didn't feel mentally ready for marriage nor financially. But I wanted to get in a relationship. As time goes on I'm progressively improving my social skills and stuff and getting the courage to get out my comfort zone.

In the process I did a little bit of sins I don't really understand why I did, just to socialize. But now two years later I'm being pressured to get married and it's getting to me. The idea I'm approaching 30 and thoughts about kids. However, the lackluster childhood and young adult life makes me want to have fun now and repay myself in a way. I felt wronged by the Universe like what did I do to deserve such a empty and difficult childhood and teens and young adult life. That I'm gone in this weird mindset that I must get my dues worth and enjoy life a little bit before thinking of marriage.

Yet I don't know if this is from Shaytaan or not. And I'm talking to a potential recommended by friends. She's from overseas. I don't feel romantically driven to her and I don't find her particularly exciting but she's good in all other aspects and I don't know what to do. Im also talking to two non-Muslim girls and I feel like I'd rather fall in love than do arranged marriage. And I get these thoughts that it's unfair to have to end up settling for a arranged marriage. When I threw away opportunities for love.

But my brain says marry the girl it will be better in the long run. My heart is bad though. It's saying go enjoy life and some resentment astighfrallah about my qadr and why it had to be this way. I don't know if I'll get another opportunity for marriage that's good. And I also don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm worried I go astray if I don't get married because it's gonna make me change my other ways life in be open to haram to sort of fix what got damaged during my depression years and restore my social standing/status.

If I get married I know she will encourage me better on my deen. My family will be happy. I may have kids. But I'll be bitter and not really love the girl from my heart.

And idk why I feel like my heart is sealed lately and it's disturbing me. I'm confused about what lifestyle I want to have. Like in between not going to one or another. Changing my mind a lot.

Please advise brothers and sisters. I'm kind of afraid of my own heart lately as if I've discovered I'm a bad person by nature or something thats inclined naturally to haram and kabr(not praying). I struggle to balance life with excitement and practicing.

 

[Abr]

Assalamualaikum.


Every existence is the same as what it chooses, good or bad. It is in your hands what you want to become.

"Life keeps taking new turns, sometimes unpleasant and sometimes bewildering. The decision is yours whether you want to be a part of the unpleasant turns or the bewildering ones. And what will happen is what you will choose and make happen."
Raymond said in his law book:
"Your mind is a magnet .your thoughts and beliefs will bring to you that which you place your focus upon ."
Forget the past.

"Siddharth, you used to say that being in the 'present moment' is the only way to attain peace. But what does it mean to be in the present moment? Thinking about the future and regretting the past is a natural human tendency. However, as intelligent beings, we have the ability to use our rational thinking to bring our wandering minds back to the present moment. Meditation also teaches us this art of detaching ourselves from outcomes and focusing on the task at hand, which is the present moment.

Detaching yourself from outcomes and focusing on the task at hand brings a sense of calm. You can conserve the energy that would have been wasted on anxiety and focus on your task. This is a practice, and the path to achieving it is not easy. There are complexities and obstacles, but it's an art that our wandering minds desperately need to master.

When you're working on a task, thinking about what you'll gain from it or what the outcome will be can prevent you from fully immersing yourself in the task. We often ask ourselves, 'What will I get from this?' or 'What will happen if I do this?' These questions aren't inherently wrong, but giving them too much importance can prevent you from giving your 100% to your goal. Overemphasizing outcomes can also harm your creativity and productivity, dividing your valuable energy and focusing it on questions that are beyond your control."
Shape your way of thinking about enjoyment you have right to live the life you want perhaps, enjoyment never means to be in Haram things .like ,for me enjoyment is reading old books so you can enjoy the life except Haram.


"The Stoics say that humans naturally incline towards things that improve their lives, such as good food, wealth, good friends, and companions. This isn't inherently wrong, because if humans weren't driven to pursue better and best, we wouldn't have reached this digital revolution today. The problem is that the pursuit or fear of losing these things keeps us in a state of anxiety. In contrast, the Stoics believe that a person's happiness depends more on their mindset than on external objects."
If you want to get married then do it but with someone whom you like. It will have a positive impact .it could be hard to loose everyone but life is far more away.
"Some people will never like you because your sprit irritates their demons"
Jazaka Allahu Khairen