Very hurt and need advice...Friends...

[anonymous]

I know this is long, but please read it till the end and advise me...

I really just don't know what to do or think anymore. I think I might aswell give up on friends. Yes, it is Allah who I should turn to, and in Him I only put my trust, and I believe I do.But this friendship problem is really just bothering me, and I really really need advice at the moment. I really feel so down and just don't know what to think. I hope inshallah I do not offend anyone, and hope my post does not annoy anyone too.

I had a best friend, whom I loved dearly, and cared for, and trusted her, and treated her like a sister. One problem was that she was someone who didnt wear the scarf, spoke to boys, but I put up with it, every now and then giving some advice about wearing a scarf, and judgement day, and what talking to boys could lead to. When we started school again this year, I was so so happy to see that she had put on a scarf, and she told me it would be permanent. I thought to myself she's taken a step, yes she might be wearing tight jeans etc, but she's taken the step to wear a scarf.

Unfortunately, not long ago, she broke my heart and the trust I had in her. She confided that she had had a boyfriend for a short while, but that she had broken up with him. So here I was, totally shocked and not knowing what I should do!! I just didn't know what to say! I just never thought she would go on to do this. But I brushed it past, didn't really tell her how I felt, and to be honest, I felt quite hurt that she didn't really acknowledge the fact that she had really hurt our trust etc of my friends and I. But I brushed over it anyway. But the next thing I know is that her scarf has come off. And she doesn't want to wear it anymore. I just don't know what to think now. I'm just thnking I really wanted her to be a better Muslim (not saying that I'm the perfect Muslim, but my family are practising alhamdullilah), but now she just keeps getting worse. I don't know, I've been friends with her for so long, I don't want the friendship to break, but then again, if I know she's doing wrong (oh, I'm not sure whether she's stopped talking to boys or not) should I still be her friend let alone a best friend??

Other friends were also shocked too. But I don't know shall I talkto her? Tell her how I feel, but that might hurt her, and she won't change, I know that. And if I carry on being friends with her without saying anything,then would it be bad, seeing that (some of you will get annoyed with this), out in public, we live in a mostly Muslim area, would it look bad. I don't know thats why I'm asking for advice.

I've kept things bottled inside, and I felt really angry and hurt, but now what shall I do? I was ALWAYS there to look out for her, and be there for her, always making sure no one hurt her feelings giving her advice when she had problems, is this what she gives back -and not even acknowledging me and what I feel about her when she had a boyfriend and now about the scarf (she knew and knows that I was very agaisnt it, hurt by it too, but she didnt say anything..)...what next I think...?

I'm really sorry for this long email, but I needed to get everything out, seeing I don't have or more like didn't know who to speak to...don't know who to trust anymore...

Please advise me...
May Allah reward you all for you patience, Jazakallahukhairan

 

[noorseeker]

Sister, all you can do is carry on being a good friend to her and advise her, End of the day its up to her wheter she wants to wear the scarf, some girls think it restricts their freedom,

She probally wants to have a boyfriend and that, but what can you do, its her life,
if you think her behaviour wil affect your imaan , then i suggest you withdraw from her slightly,


I hope inshallah she see,s the right way, and she is lucky to have a friend like you,

 

[MartyrX]

I suggest to lead by example. Be a friend to her and listen to her. Maybe she's trying to say something to you without you realizing it. And I don't mean to offend you in anyway by saying that. Sometimes people do things to ease their own pain or maybe she's doing this for attention and re-assurance. If perhaps you listened to her or maybe got her to open up you might find the root of why she acts the way she does.

 

[alcurad]

try not to get too influenced by her in such matters, friendship is good and all, but that doesn't mean you should become like her.
as much as I can see, you've done your job, now it's up to her to decide what to follow for herself.

 

[Tyrion]

eh, in the end its her choice. just do your part and continue being a good friend, and offer friendly advice. try not to make it sound like you're telling her what to do though...

 

[kwolney01]

I wouldn't stop being her friend, I think she needs someone like you around to help her even though sometimes it may be hard. You should talk to her about the boyfriend and see what happened. Maybe something happened in the relationship and she is really hurt by it. It may not be a good thing for her to have a boyfriend but you should let her know you are there for her and all you want to do is see her happy and becoming a good Muslim.

I would let her know how you feel as her friend. Tell her how it makes you feel to see her going down the path she is going down. Let her know that no one is perfect and we all have our faults, but we should learn from our mistakes and choose to live better life’s.

I hope this helps sister. Stay strong and pray for her. Allah Alum. Allah will InshAllah guide her to the straight way.

Stay strong sister!
I wish you all the best!

Salaams!!

 

[maryam87]

I kind of know what ur going through I had this best friend in primary school all way through high school we were really close. Then she started to change first in her clothes they kept getting shorter then she started having a boyfriend. I did advise her but I guess that's all u could do. Basically after a while people thought I was like her since we were close it was that point I realized I should not hang around her anymore but its not like u don't have to be her friend anymore Just don't be around her too much

Trust me at the end she Is the one that loses. Good friends are hard to find n now when she sees me I can tel how regretful she is. Wasted her school years and achieved nothin at the end while I'm at uni

Allah (swt) knows I'll always be there for her but once u start sinning with no remorse its hard to change if u don't have the strong iman people can try to guide but at the end its all up to the person

Narrated by abuharayrah
the prophet (pbuh) said: a man follows the religion of his friend; so each one should consider whom he makes his friend

 

[ummsara1108]

Sounds to me like you have given every advise possible, however insisting on keeping up with the adivse you will surely push her away. All you can do is be her friend, show your love and hope she turns things around. It is everyone's choice weather or not to abide by god's laws, therefore it is everyone's indiviual judgement that they face. But for you i'd say watch to whom you associate with, for you will surely be accused based on someone elses actions.

 

[Ansariyah]

I dont get why her not practising anymore is "betraying the trust" between you two?

Sister, She's sinning against Allah not against you. Why should you stop talking to her? Did the prophet (saw) stop talking to those who got lead astray?

You seem to be taking this way to personal, she's not doing any of this against you. She's straying. Be there for her inshaAllah.

Other friends were also shocked too. But I don't know shall I talkto her? Tell her how I feel, but that might hurt her, and she won't change, I know that

Depends wat u want to say to her?. You have to be gentle and avoid harshness. She can change, Allah guides & misguides.

I just don't know what to think now.

The hadith, the hot coal? The times we're in.

May ALlah reward u, ameen.

 

[anonymous]

JazakAllahukhairan for all your advice - Was really helpful, and shall take them into account.

To Sister Yanoorah, I think I didn't make clear part of the betrayal of trust...its not about not practicing after she started wearing the scarf, its this:

This friend I'm talking about opened up and trusted me in every way, and I think she still does. Her sisters had boyfriends, and went down that path of chatting to boys etc, and she came to me and some other friends and used to complain and tell us how much she hated what her sisters did and thats why she hated them. We used to give her advice about what to do with her sisters and try and get them on the straight path again...but then...the next thing we now is all that her sisters did she did the same, so now, what was the difference between her and her sisters?

Also, something else I wanted to know, staying friends with her - its not haram, because the hadith of the Prophet of choosing your friends carefully...so is it still ok I be friends with her, even though she still talks to boys etc. (but has no boyfriend?)

I know some people are very annoyed right now, but I'm sure some of you have been through these friendship problems during your teenage years, I just want to do whats best for my deen, and so need advice inshallah, and inshallah hopefully people continue to advise.

May Allah reward you all.
Jazak Allah Khairan in advance

 

[Mysterious Uk]

I was in the same situation, i was friends with a girl for a while when she started tellin me the things she got up to, when she told me about boyfriends and stuff i made it clear that it is wrong and why it's wrong. If she doesn't listen then thats kinda her problem i didn't feel guilty about her cos i told her that the suff she does is bad. So basically If they know the consequences and still do bad things then it's a shame really. Anyhu inshallah things will get sorted with ur friend.

 

[The Khan]

I can compare the hijab situation to when my mother divorced my father via khula.

My mother is from a strict conservative family. As she grew up, she was given a strict Islamic upbringing. She always wore a burqa. When she got married to my father, he deceived everyone in her family. He was an atheist. He lied about wanting to revert to Islam (although he attempted 10 years later and still attempts to revert, he still doesn't know a single dua). He used to drink a lot and beat up my mother. He did not allow her to give me and my sister a strict religious upbringing. My mother used to hire a maulvi in secret to teach us when he was not in town. He did not allow my mother or sister to wear a hijab. He still hates it when I say Salam to him or wear a cap, saying that I look like a terrorist. Finally, 17 years after their marriage, my mother couldn't take it anymore when he accused her of theft. She divorced him.

After divorce, my mother returned to her strict religious ways. She wore a burqa for many months. Then, suddenly, she stopped. She wears a scarf while going out now, but an hour later, it drops down to her shoulders. My sister hates wearing a hijab, and rarely prays. She questions Islam a lot, and is almost an agnostic at this point.

I don't know what made your sister in Islam wear a hijab suddenly and discard it. I guess women who dislike wearing it at some point, decided to do so after a break up of some sort. For example, there is a sister in my class who started wearing a hijab after she broke up with her bf, who is a brother. Now, it's back to no hijab.

I personally suggest that they should be allowed to decided for themselves. Usually they hate it when someone interferes in this regard.

You can always show your sister in Islam this nice video by Baba Ali, may Allah (SWT) bless him, start by showing his other videos first as humor, then get to this:

http://ummahfilms.blogspot.com/2006/11/thats-not-hijab-ummah-films-season-2.html

 

[MO783]

Salam,

Just show her the benefits of Hijab, Inshallah she will see them sometime. But you should not brake up with your friends only if they are taking you away from your faith.

Assalmualykum,

Very good advice from Hadhrat Ali ibn Abi Talib

"A friend can not be considered a friend until he is tested in three occasions:

1. In the time of need
2. Behind your back
3. And after your death.

[Hadhrat Ali ibn Abi Talib ]

Salam

 

[Al-Zaara]

You haven't studied psychology are taken any courses/lessons in psychology I assume? It's actually quite random that a person goes disliking a lifestyle and then ends up living that lifestyle they disliked, later on themselves. Some call it karma. She spoke bad about the things her sisters did, hated them and judged them, was unfair and hateful... Now she's herself the person she so disliked. Or did she really dislike it? Who knows.

She's in a very confusing state right now, probably torn between practicing Islam, seeing no sisters of her own do it, feeling worthless or something else and then the lifestyles around her are so tempting or different, be it Western or Eastern, at least against the Islamic teachings, makin' things even harder.

Also, something else I wanted to know, staying friends with her - its not haram, because the hadith of the Prophet of choosing your friends carefully...so is it still ok I be friends with her, even though she still talks to boys etc. (but has no boyfriend?)

No, it's not haram to stay friends with her. Even though she has a boyfriend or a dozen others, it is not haram for you and her to be friends.

Her sin is not your burden in the end, right now I can understand how it is hard to deal with and such, but haram to be with her 'cause she sins, isn't, otherwise it would be funny how Muslims can even live in non-Muslim societies or have relatives that do not practice their religion.