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Thread: Violence as Discipline for Children
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AhlaamBella

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Me and my husband are debating over the best way to discipline a child. He was beaten (even with a belt) and claims it was the best thing his parents did for him. I wasn't even hit as a child. My Mum communicated with me and explained why things were wrong. I believe this is the best way.

Being Muslim we have decided to both search in Islam for evidence supporting both our cases. I found this story online but it had no reference. Anyone heard it before?

One day the Prophet was sitting with his companions when he saw a young child in the group. Having a great love for children, he called him and sat him on his lap. The people around him watched as the Prophet (s) gave his attention to the child. Suddenly the boy, over-awed perhaps, urinated on the lap of the Prophet(s). Embarrassed, the father sprang forward. “What have you done, you silly boy” he shouted. His arm shoved forward to grab the child away from the Prophet(s), his red face showing his anger. Fear and confusion showed in the face of the child. The Prophet(s) restrained the man, and gently hugged the child to him. “Don’t worry,” he told the over-zealous father. “This is not a big issue. My clothes can be washed. But be careful with how you treat the child” he continued. “What can restore his self-esteem after you have dealt with him in public like this?” - Taken from http://www.islamic-voice.com/raising-children.php

JazakAllah Khayr in advance
 
^ I never heard that Hadith before. Can someone confirm its authenticity?
 
:sl:
i think one should discipline their children according to the capacity of the child's own mindset. for example, sometimes its not best to shout or hit your child in front of others as this will probably humiliate them. that's not to say to not discipline or use effective methods (as children dont like being told off in the first place so not disciplining them at all over their little "issue" shouldn't be an option), but ones that none-the-less are considerate to the feelings of the child.
perhaps even disciplinary methods may differ according to the child's gender? maybe not :hmm:

i strongly believe that a child rarely does something so bad that actually deserves a whack. in other words, a stern glare and a few stern words should cause the child to realize that what they are doing is wrong.

hitting should be the last option and even then it shouldn't cause bruising, traumatic, stress, etc. it should be enough, again, just to make the child realize what they are doing is wrong.
 
AhlaamBella said:
:sl:

He was beaten (even with a belt) and claims it was the best thing his parents did for him.

JazakAllah Khayr in advance
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May Allah save us from being in this situation. I was hit with belts, cane, was burnt...etc..and so were my cousins...if i had not gone thru those ordeals, maybe i will never have been the person i am now..then again, i would never do that to my children..inshallah...the sunnah is to love children...but love does necessarily have to be sweet and soothing always...heard of tough love? i pray that Allah Blesses us with good offsprings...
 
I've been hit growing up not with a cane or belt though. My parents decided to try grounding and it was the worst punishment to me, lol, I prefer getting beat and getting it over with than having my freedom taken away. So maybe grounding is the best route to go.
Salam
 
Lisa0 said:
I've been hit growing up not with a cane or belt though. My parents decided to try grounding and it was the worst punishment to me, lol, I prefer getting beat and getting it over with than having my freedom taken away. So maybe grounding is the best route to go.
Salam
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My parents never really grounded me. It could be because they didn't believe in it, or because they're Desi. They took my laptop away a number of times, but not like most kids my age where if you stay up 2 minutes after bedtime or eat desserts and snacks before dinner you get "grounded".

We all say we won't beat our children. That's probably true. But as Ummu Sufyaan mentioned, it's actually about making the child understand that what they did was wrong, and the severity of the punishment has to be consistent. You can't slap them for eating dessert before dinner and stealing equally. Obviously, stealing has to be a higher punishment. Did that make sense? :hiding:
 
Rashad said:
We all say we won't beat our children. That's probably true. But as Ummu Sufyaan mentioned, it's actually about making the child understand that what they did was wrong, and the severity of the punishment has to be consistent. You can't slap them for eating dessert before dinner and stealing equally. Obviously, stealing has to be a higher punishment. Did that make sense? :hiding:
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Yeap, even the Prophet(sallallahu Alaihi wasallam) has said beat ur children if they dun pray when they are 10...(but im not sure about the authencity of this Hadith though...)
 
My parents never really grounded me. It could be because they didn't believe in it, or because they're Desi. They took my laptop away a number of times, but not like most kids my age where if you stay up 2 minutes after bedtime or eat desserts and snacks before dinner you get "grounded".
My parents also didn't believe in grounding but they decided to try it since beatings did not work for the longterm. Truly their version of grounding was extreme it was like solitary confinement. Needless to say we all started to listen after that.

We all say we won't beat our children. That's probably true. But as Ummu Sufyaan mentioned, it's actually about making the child understand that what they did was wrong, and the severity of the punishment has to be consistent. You can't slap them for eating dessert before dinner and stealing equally. Obviously, stealing has to be a higher punishment. Did that make sense? :hiding:
I understand and I agree. Making the child understand their wrongs and the different severities will work better in the longterm.
 
Children should be beaten, if they have not obeyed after constant reminders, but not excessively. Lets admit, you can always tell what an excessive beating is. If you see that you are beating someone while you are in fits of rage and absolutely crumbled them then that is torture and Islam does not accept that. But giving a spank or two on the face in situations where lets say a child has done zina after telling him its wrong, is absolutely called for. Minimal physical torture and maximize psychological torture by not buying them what they love.

its my observation that more of those kids whose parents always gave into their desires turn out to be spoiled people when they grow up and they treat their parents like crap. That's why I see, relatively, more obedience in desi kids than lets say white.

But I also know that torture can destroy a child's esteem and childhood experiences can greatly shape the way you observe things when you grow up hence I believe in moderation. Moderate love with children and moderate spanking if they do not obey the rules.

And they should not be beaten after a certain age. I believe that age is around 12-14. beating after that severely damages their psyche.

I wonder if Umar (ra) was the man that he was after such a rough and tortuous childhood, how would he have been if he grew up in the luxury like most of us on these forums. Just a thought.
 
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Thats why we need Islam...

Islam has restricted that if you hit your children...you don't hit the face...not leaving any mark, and don't hit them when you're angry.

How many parents will hit their children when they are not angry???
 
syilla said:
Thats why we need Islam...

Islam has restricted that if you hit your children...you don't hit the face...not leaving any mark, and don't hit them when you're angry.

How many parents will hit their children when they are not angry???
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That's an excellent point sis! Hitting children is something i have always been dead against. I cry at NSPCC adverts and have an urge to hold a child i see being hit. I can't help it so the thought of my husband hitting my child is too much to bear. He mentioned a story where a prophet nearly killed a child for being disrespecful to his parents. Anyone heard of this?
 
AhlaamBella said:
That's an excellent point sis! Hitting children is something i have always been dead against. I cry at NSPCC adverts and have an urge to hold a child i see being hit. I can't help it so the thought of my husband hitting my child is too much to bear. He mentioned a story where a prophet nearly killed a child for being disrespecful to his parents. Anyone heard of this?
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im not sure about the prophet story...i dun like beating children too...May Allah protect us from that...yes, tough love is needed but anything more than and occasional whip with a cane on the legs is not very good...
 
Abdul Qadir said:
im not sure about the prophet story...i dun like beating children too...May Allah protect us from that...yes, tough love is needed but anything more than and occasional whip with a cane on the legs is not very good...
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That sounds quite extreme.

I'm also against hitting children. How can you beat someone when they barely know who they are, let alone what is expected of them?
 
I have been beaten both at school (typical back home) and by my aunt who taught me Quran. This one time (at school) my teacher twisted my arm so badly that it hurt for a week and we used to get hit with a stick too and sometimes for no reason.

Looking back now i think it was probably a good thing especially in the case of learning Quran.
 
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The prophet s.a.w said hit the child if he refuses to pray, not if he struggles to learn Qur'an