We love each other but it's complicated. Help please.

[smilewithhaqq]

salam alaykom wa rahmatullahi wa barakatohu brothers and sisters and everybody how are you all? Well I introduced myself earlier to you all in the other part of the forum. I am seeking advice about another Muslimah I like a lot and I hope the length of this post doesn't scare you away from answering :hmm:
Well several months ago me and this Muslimah really started liking each other. I mean we knew each other before but we never really thought much of it till at least 6 months ago. We've really started falling for each other. Like but the thing is that we are in different countries right now. I'm in usa and she's in uk so we only talk on chat sometimes like yahoo (thats how we met too). I know a lot of you all will say it's not allowed but we're being really sincere with each other. We show each other pictures talk to each other on our cellphones and make dua for each other and even write letters through mail and she's so sweet and she loves me too I know it. I'm 18 years old and she's 21 and nobody thinks we can fall in love at this age but it's true we both care for each other a lot.

Well up until recently we didnt tell our family because we were afraid of what they would think. Well eventually my family (my mom, not my dad) found out about it and at first she didn't like it because she isn't fond of muslims at all or islam but then she started telling me it's okay and she doesn't mind if I like this girl. So when I heard that I was so happy and I hope she meant it. But this muslimah I love hadn't told her family neither because she is Indian and her family is also Indian living in Africa and they don't really allow people who are not Indian to get married with their family so she was afraid they would stop her studies in UK and get mad, etc. Her family is always bringing her proposals and they are really into the whole arranged marriage thing, but so far my love has kept rejecting them all because of me. Well eventually her parents found out about me and that I'm not indian i'm half white and half iranian and well they didn't like it too much. Only her uncle was being very understanding and nice. Her mom and dad didn't say it directly but they just kept trying to tell her why it's not a good idea to be with me, like giving her reasons and things. Well now her family knows we love each other too. But the thing is, if she doesn't get married by the time she gets her bachelors degree 1 or 2 years, they'll make her get an arranged marriage because in her culture thats the max age she can be single for. Then she told me she wont have a choice and she cant turn her back against her family no matter how much she loves me. I told her that I love her a lot and if my family ever said no to her I wouldn't even listen to them because in Islam it's okay to fall in love and I love her a lot and I'm sure Allah swt knows we're doing nothing haram and always try to maintain a halal relationship with each other so there's nothing to worry about. I don't know why but my love told her uncle i was in medical school when barely i'm graduating with my associates in biology. The fact is we both care for each other a lot and have proven it over the past several months. I don't have a job yet and have no money. I've never traveled by myself ever and I'm not sure how my parents would think of me if I brought up the idea that I did want to travel (especially if they know I want to see her and marry her and the fact my dad is a little traditional too in that he doesn't believe in marriage until after a degree). The plan is to visit her next summer in the UK and go by myself. I've never even really left my city. I mean I traveled once out of country but not alone. But I'm willing to do it for her cause I mean I love her you know. Yeah and well I think to stay a week I'd need like 2,100$ so I'm trying to get this money before I go to UK. I don't know how to tell my parents or when to tell them, or how they'll react. Also once I get there I don't know how it'll be with my love and I cause she said she's going to be shy at first and I don't blame her. It's just really confusing and she's so worried her family wont accept me because of my race, and because where I live there isn't much mosque and I don't ever go and they look for that. Also because my family are not muslim, well my dad is but doesnt practice cause always at school and my mom doesnt even like Islam. And it's just us three, the other part of family is in IRAN or far away from where we live so we never have family like most others do who stick together. I rely on my friends and they are good people. Brothers and sisters I just want to know what to do in my situation to make everybody calm down and just for me to be able to be with her and marry her and be with her forever and keep halal relationship in the faith of Allah swt. Jazakallah khair, salam alaykom wa rahmatullahi wa barakatohu. If you need update please ask and I will I promise, or to follow up. Salam:embarrassmg::exhausted:statisfie:shade:;D

 

[islamirama]

[FONT=&quot]Wa'alaikum as’salaam wa rahmatullaah wa Barakaatuh[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

Few things need to be pointed out here:

we only talk on chat sometimes like yahoo (thats how we met too). I know a lot of you all will say it's not allowed but we're being really sincere with each other. We show each other pictures talk to each other on our cellphones and make dua for each other and even write letters through mail and she's so sweet and she loves me too I know it

You say you are sincere to each other, what about your sincerity to Allah and His deen? Do you think its Islamic to be exchanging pictures, talking on the phone, and writing letters to a non-mahram?

Please see these links:

Limits and conditions within which a man may speak to a non-mahram woman.

Manners when talking to women.

What is the ruling on girls corresponding with boys? .

An example of the dangers of internet chat between the sexes .

I told her that I love her a lot and if my family ever said no to her I wouldn't even listen to them because in Islam it's okay to fall in love and I love her a lot and I'm sure Allah swt knows we're doing nothing haram and always try to maintain a halal relationship with each other so there's nothing to worry about.

Who says it’s ok to fall in love in Islam? Islam clearly has set limits and provided guidance as to how to conduct yourself with a non-mahram. You can fall in love with someone’s character from the way they conduct themselves but to fall in love means to know them intimately, which in itself is haram before marriage. The whole lovey dovey relationship with a non-mahram is haram and you are saying what you are doing is not haram? As for her not listening to her family, she has to listen to her family. She can’t run off and get married, that’s kuffar’s way of life not a muslims. Besides, she needs her wali in order to get married because the prophet (S) said there is no marriage without a wali.

Check out these links:

The difference between love and a haraam relationship.

Love and correspondence before marriage.

my love told her uncle i was in medical school when barely i'm graduating with my associates in biology. The fact is we both care for each other a lot and have proven it over the past several months

Why is your “love” lying to one relative that is willing to support her? I know the field of medicine is looked upon very favorably by the SE Asians and you have a very high chance of getting accepted if you’re a doctor but does she really think Allah will put barakah in a haram relationship full of lies? And what happens when the uncle finds out what you are doing, she loses trust and support of one person willing to stand by her side and may be convince her parents. Also, how have you proven your love to each other? Didn’t know there was some method of proving your love…

I've never traveled by myself ever and I'm not sure how my parents would think of me if I brought up the idea that I did want to travel (especially if they know I want to see her and marry her and the fact my dad is a little traditional too in that he doesn't believe in marriage until after a degree).

Your dad is not very religious and your mom dislikes Islam (not sure why he married such a woman), and you are just a teen who just graduated from high school. Your dad being a traditionalist and her parents being the same does not help your situation. Do you not think there’s more hurdles in this long distance relationship? Btw, are you shia or sunni and what is she, it’s important to at least know what sect each of you belong to.

The plan is to visit her next summer in the UK and go by myself. Also once I get there I don't know how it'll be with my love and I cause she said she's going to be shy at first and I don't blame her.

So not only you have an unislamic relationship that both of your parent don’t approve but you also want to go visit her? What do you think will happen? Yea she may be shy at first but with you two alone and shaytan being the third, do you really want to risk of falling into some major sin?

It would be better for you two to get over each other and break up this unislamic relationship. You’re your parent’s only child and they will not have you running around doing what you want right out of high school. She is from Indian family and if her family is traditional then they won’t approve of this either.

Not sure why these people send their daughters to other states, countries, continents alone without a mahram to “study” as if their education is more important than islam.

 

[S<Chowdhury]

Well several months ago me and this Muslimah really started liking each other. I mean we knew each other before but we never really thought much of it till at least 6 months ago. We've really started falling for each other. Like but the thing is that we are in different countries right now. I'm in usa and she's in uk so we only talk on chat sometimes like yahoo (thats how we met too). I know a lot of you all will say it's not allowed but we're being really sincere with each other. We show each other pictures talk to each other on our cellphones and make dua for each other and even write letters through mail and she's so sweet and she loves me too I know it. I'm 18 years old and she's 21 and nobody thinks we can fall in love at this age but it's true we both care for each other a lot.

Bro,

Firstly, I'd agree with the brother exchanging pictures, talking on the phone, and writing letters to a non-mahram sinning s that idea of maintaining a halal relationship, it isn't a halal relationship in the first place. Brother your ready to marry and in love with her yet you haven't physically met her and neither has your family met her family so your basing it all on Yahoo IM and letters. Plus this is a long distance relationship the odds are stacked up against you Bro. Don't get me wrong you can fall in love around this age but don't get it mixed up with romance cause if unchecked it'll end up with you wasting time, effort and dignity.

I don't know why but my love told her uncle i was in medical school when barely i'm graduating with my associates in biology. The fact is we both care for each other a lot and have proven it over the past several months. I don't have a job yet and have no money. I've never traveled by myself ever and I'm not sure how my parents would think of me if I brought up the idea that I did want to travel (especially if they know I want to see her and marry her and the fact my dad is a little traditional too in that he doesn't believe in marriage until after a degree).

Lying to family isn't helping your cause for marriage so be honest, cause they will find out eventually !


I think the brother touched on the subject of Love above here is a fatwa about falling in love :

"Islam teaches us to be truthful and realistic. Usually, we love for the sake of Allah and we hate for the sake of Allah. Islam teaches us that a male and female can build up a good relationship founded on marriage.

We do not say love is halal or haram because it is a feeling. Maybe it is not under control. You can judge what is under control. But people who fall in love are in many episodes away from the cleansed and pure atmosphere.

Marriages that are usually good and lasting marriages are those that start at the least affection. That affection grows after marriage and maybe it will grow until the couples continue their companionship at the Jannah.

If you have any affection towards a person, you should ask yourself: why do you like that person? If you have good Islamic, reasonable justification, then you need not tell that person of what you feel. However, you can make a serious plan to make him ask for your hand. If you want to know the meaning of fitna, a great part of it is what people nowadays call love or romance.

In this context, we'd like to cite the following fatwa that clarifies the Islamic ruling on falling in love:

"If we are speaking about the emotion which we call "love" then we are simply speaking of a feeling. What we feel toward a particular person is not of great importance, until our feeling is expressed in a particular action. Now if that action is permissible, then well and good. If it is forbidden, then we have incurred something that Allah does not approve of. If it is love between a man and a woman, the emotion itself is not the subject of questioning on the Day of Judgment. If you feel you love someone, then you cannot control your feeling. If that love prompts you to try to see that person in secret and to give expression to your feelings in actions permissible only within the bond of marriage then what you are doing is forbidden."

Excerpted, with slight modifications, from: www.islamicity.com

Shedding more light on the issue in point we'd like to cite the words of Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He states:


In Islam, it is not a sin if you feel a special affinity or inclination towards a certain individual since human beings have no control on such natural inclinations. We are, however, definitely responsible and accountable if we get carried away by such feelings and take specific actions or steps that might be deemed as haram (forbidden).

As far as male and female interaction is concerned, Islam dictates strict rules: It forbids all forms of ‘dating’ and isolating oneself with a member of the opposite sex, as well indiscriminate mingling and mixing.

If, however, one does none of the above, and all that he or she wants is to seriously consider marrying someone, such a thing itself is not considered haram. In fact, Islam encourages us to marry persons for whom we have special feelings and affinity. Thus, Islam recommends that potential marriage partners see one another before proposing marriage. Explaining the reason for such a recommendation, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “That would enhance/foster the bonding.”

This permission notwithstanding, we are advised against getting carried away by merely the outward appearances of a person; these may be quite misleading. Marriage is a life-long partnership and a person’s real worth is determined not by his or her physical looks, but more so by the inner person or character. Hence, after having mentioned that people ordinarily look for beauty, wealth and family in a marriage partner, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) advised us to consider primarily “the religious or character factor” over and above all other considerations."

Brothers and sisters I just want to know what to do in my situation to make everybody calm down and just for me to be able to be with her and marry her and be with her forever and keep halal relationship in the faith of Allah swt. Jazakallah khair, salam alaykom wa rahmatullahi wa barakatohu. Salam:embarrassmg::exhausted:statisfie:shade:;D

Brother take a step back and assess the situation, her parents are from S.Asia so they are not going to approve of this situation, so is she really going to risk it all for you?, you've known this sister for what i can gather a few months and your willing to risk it all lets be realistic brother. No source of income, she lives far away brother you haven't thought this through. As much as it gonna hurt what im gonna say next, if you really had an ounce of true love for her and cared for her happiness you'd let this all go, bury the relationship and let her go on with her life and you go on with yours.

All the best brother
:wa:

 

[Dagless]

..........

Well eventually my family (my mom, not my dad) found out about it and at first she didn't like it because she isn't fond of muslims at all or islam

eh?

This is going to be the opposite of what most people say but I think you should wait a while, just leave things as they are. If you still feel this way after a year then visit her (you say she doesn't have to get married until after her degree so there is time).
You're at that age and I think your feelings may change after a short while.

 

[revert2007]

I am not gonna say anything new from what our brothers already mentioend above.As a MUSLIMAH I cannot give any advice on how you need to fix your relationship as I am committing sin and helping u in committing sin.

All I can say is,repent as soon as possible and for that sister as well.If you want something,you ask Allah.don't take any action on your hand as it might not be halal.

You still have studies and why do u need this relationship in the first place?stable yourself and once your fine with yourlife,ask for her hand through her wali in halal way.

Till then stop everything u have done and enough of what u have done and repent sincerely.

assalamualikum

 

[Salahudeen]

Don't fall into the trap of shaytaan get married or end it. No relationship stuff like boyfriend and girl friend.

Either you stop contact till you are able to get married, or you arrange a meeting with mehram present,

If you do go to meet this girl you must have a mehram present as it is haraam for you to meet her without one.

The prophet peace be upon him said "no man or woman meet alone except that shaytaan is the 3rd"

and I guess this applies to online chatting to, no two people talk alone away from the eyes of the people except that shaytaan is the 3rd

Don't fall for trap of shaytaan brother cos you feel bad afterwards and you cry and wish you did things in a halal way.

you wonder if Allah will bless your marriage cos you did things in a haraam way.

What I suggest you do is cut off contact untill you are in a position to marry, or arrange a meeting with her with mehram present and get married.

otherwise this sin will effect your emaan without you realising, everytime you talk to her without mehram present a black dot goes onto your heart and the dots will keep coming untill you stop this sin. The prophet pbuh said "everytime the son of Adam sins, a black dot goes onto his heart, and if keeps sinning it will eventually become all black" This heart is bad because it becomes deaf and I think if you do good deeds they remove the black dots and bring your heart back to life.

Many of us have fallen into this and we tell you from experience, go about it in a halal manner don't be 1 of the puppets of shaytaan.

Inshallah if you go about it in halal way Allah will bless your marriage.

 

[cat eyes]

if you start anything haraam here the chances of you two getting blessings from Allah are extremely slim because you both are disobeying Allah so by making your creator angry what makes you think your going to end up marrying this girl? just have a search through the forum here you will find loads of horror stories people who were in your position before