what can you do when your Parents refuse to let you marry the woman you have found?

[AnonymousPoster]

May Allah swt guide and forgive us all Inshallah

I am hoping i can get advice, as i am in a dilemma in what I can do with the situation i have put myself in.

Although it was wrong at first, when i wasn't practicing Islam much i had met this (br) person who was practicing more then I. He did have a good influence on me and had pushe me towards deen more and alhamdullilah i am practicing Islam more then before and broadening myknowledge in Islam IA.

this person i met has been looking to get married, and his parents have been looking for ages too. As he knows how i am, my personality and character and he knows i am practicing Islam and we both have similar views and aims of life he has asked his parents to look into my family and me and put forward a propasal.

his parents are quite cultural and they want their eldest son to get married into a family which will give them name and status. It really effects his parents about how people will percieve them (cousins) because of where their son has got married.

twice he asked them to look into my family and they were not happy with it. the reason being my family is just a average family like theres with problems majority of east london familes have. they find it very shameful that my brother is a drug addict unfortunately,although they know that the rest of the family is practicing.

Also my father has two wives. his very old now, and ive always grew up knowing my father has two wives and that was never our issue, not even my mothers.this is another reason why they do not want him to marry me.

they feel people will laugh at them, to the extent they believe if he marries my family the younger sons will not get good wedding talks. he has asked them again this week, and this time he told them he knows that I am a good person and everything he is looking for but they are almost emoitionally blackmailing himsaying he will ruine their reputation and his little brothers chance to get good proposals if he marries me.

they want him to get married to either someone from bangladesh, which means they can find someone from a 'high status' family or someone from London but from their choice.

he does not want to hurt his parents nor does he want to go against them. but we both want to get married and his parents have said some things which he cannot go agaisnt. like if he does, then thats sinful, as hurting his parents is sinful and they know whats best for him. they do not take away his right from him totally, as they say he can chose from what they find, but they ignore the fact that he only now see's his future with me. and if he does marry someone of their choci he wouldnt be happy and only will marry for his parents happiness.

we are both stuck, we keep making dua and aking for Allah swt help, but it has been difficult as it seems like his parents will not accept me and refuse to understand their sons need and happiness.

i do not want him to hurt his parents either, nor does he because we fear that would mean we will not have their blessings and our marriage will fail. but in a situation like this, it is hard, as his parents are very cultural and only are thinking about their needs.

the saddest thing is, his parents know their second son has also found someone. they are ok with that because they have looked into her family and are happy with 'her' status. but they refuse to understand that he has also found someone and will be unhappy to marry anyone else.

in a situation like this, is it only good if i move away and tell him to make his parents happy? as i dnt think they will ever agree to him marrying me because they do not like my family so-called-status (not me)? should he just marry the person they chose regardless of if his happy to? or how can one make a decision which will not be sinful in Allah swt eyes, yet may hurt his parents and shatter them?

please make dua everyone, its very difficult.


thank you

 

[Mikayeel]

Approved

 

[mathematician]

What about you? Are you going to tell him to stay away from his family if you happen to marry him? Ok given the fact that his family doesn't like you, how will you deal with that? Are you ready to marry someone whose family will not approve of you?
In Islam, it's 100% halaal for a man to choose a woman of his choice as long as she is halaal to him in marriage. The parents sadness or anger is irrelevant.
But what you have to keep in mind is the halaal way is not always sweet. it can be bitter.

 

[Dawud_uk]

if this is the extent of the reservations and you have given all of it then their reservations are haram and if this brother was a sister would disqualify them as guardian for matters of marriage!

he needs to be a man, if his family continue to refuse for such stupid idiotic cultural reasons then he needs to be man and go against their jahil unislamic reasons if they wont budge.

as it is i am sure you know your contact with him is also not allowed so pack that in until an official proposal comes through then marry him, he doesnt need his parents permission in this like a sister does

 

[Sahabiyaat]

i cant believ this status crap....

 

[noorseeker]

Knowing bengali families , they dont wana budge, i think he has to show hes a man , and stick to his guns, im sure they will come round to it in the end, when they see how much it is affecting him

 

[AnonymousPoster]

What about you? Are you going to tell him to stay away from his family if you happen to marry him? Ok given the fact that his family doesn't like you, how will you deal with that? Are you ready to marry someone whose family will not approve of you?
In Islam, it's 100% halaal for a man to choose a woman of his choice as long as she is halaal to him in marriage. The parents sadness or anger is irrelevant.
But what you have to keep in mind is the halaal way is not always sweet. it can be bitter.

salam

to be honest i would never want to take him away from his family. even if i married into a family which was all arrange, the likelihood of a bengali family 'mother-in-law' not being difficult is very low. i dnt mind my inlaws being a challenge, because i believe i could handle it well and gradually prove to them that inshallah im not that bad of a daughter in law. to me what would make me happy is if i got that chance. i want to marry him, but i dnt want to marry him by forcing them to accept it. i want them to understand.

He did also say, if he ever came to a situation where he'd have to decide whether to take his wife and move out or stay as its causing problems between his parents and his wife then he'd take his wifes and move out, but he'd try to resolve the matter first. so i know deep down he would be there for me. but that isn't to say thats wjhat i'd like.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

i cant believ this status crap....

i know its very difficult as we dnt want to upst parents yet we know our rights....it dsnt work together imsad

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Knowing bengali families , they dont wana budge, i think he has to show hes a man , and stick to his guns, im sure they will come round to it in the end, when they see how much it is affecting him

right this minute we are not communicating at all, where both taking the approach of leaving it to Allah and praying he helps us. Because only allah swt can shower light in his parents and make them realise it isnt so bad, and make them come out of their 'culture zone'.

he, as a man is doing what he can. he respects his parents a lot. his someone who doesn't disobey them. he doesnt go againts them. he never has. his trying to explain to them indrectly. and unfortunately he doesnt have any1 who can talk to them for him. personally i think they know its more then just an average talk. i think the know he really wants me. but they are not budging. their constantly looking at talks even now. but his refusing them all. and hoping they'l give in and realise.

please keep us and all like us in your duas.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

if this is the extent of the reservations and you have given all of it then their reservations are haram and if this brother was a sister would disqualify them as guardian for matters of marriage!

he needs to be a man, if his family continue to refuse for such stupid idiotic cultural reasons then he needs to be man and go against their jahil unislamic reasons if they wont budge.

as it is i am sure you know your contact with him is also not allowed so pack that in until an official proposal comes through then marry him, he doesnt need his parents permission in this like a sister does

yes we have. we are not in touch. and that is his approach, to only approach me when they are a little accepting.

as for he should just go against them as he has a right. i think he knows he does, but he can't hurt them as then they may blame him for things in the future and be hurt. and i dnt think he can go against them even if his parents are in the wrong.

 

[The Ruler]

they feel people will laugh at them, to the extent they believe if he marries my family the younger sons will not get good wedding talks. he has asked them again this week, and this time he told them he knows that I am a good person and everything he is looking for but they are almost emoitionally blackmailing himsaying he will ruine their reputation and his little brothers chance to get good proposals if he marries me.

It's not just a belief... It's a fact. They not only look into the family of the brother of the person in question... But also the family and extended family of the person the brother is married to. It's silly... But it's what they stupidly do.

Have you done istikhaara?

 

[Snowflake]

Take the right Allah has given you and ask Allah to bless your marriage and make it acceptable to your parents.

My sister-in-law who is Bengladeshi married my brother (pakistani) against her families wishes. Alhumdulillah, we had no problem with it from day one but her family cut of all ties with her. But it didn't last long. She proved to be a great wife to my bro, a great sis-in-law to me and a great daughter-in-law to my parents. On the other hand, my brother excelled even more in her families eyes. Today, her brothers consult my brother when they need advice, one of her brothers has worked with my younger bro and have plans to work together in a new business. My sis-in-laws mother now introduces my brother to her relatives and associates with such pride and he treats her entire family like his own. From something that started off without her families blessings has turned into one of the best and beautiful marriages I have ever seen in my whole life. MashaAllah.

InshaAllah, if Allah has given you the right to marry of your choice and will then you should. May Allah give your wife the same place in your family's heart as my sister-in-law's family have given my brother.

 

[deen_2007]

Take the right Allah has given you and ask Allah to bless your marriage and make it acceptable to your parents.

My sister-in-law who is Bengladeshi married my brother (pakistani) against her families wishes. Alhumdulillah, we had no problem with it from day one but her family cut of all ties with her. But it didn't last long. She proved to be a great wife to my bro, a great sis-in-law to me and a great daughter-in-law to my parents. On the other hand, my brother excelled even more in her families eyes. Today, her brothers consult my brother when they need advice, one of her brothers has worked with my younger bro and have plans to work together in a new business. My sis-in-laws mother now introduces my brother to her relatives and associates with such pride and he treats her entire family like his own. From something that started off without her families blessings has turned into one of the best and beautiful marriages I have ever seen in my whole life. MashaAllah.

InshaAllah, if Allah has given you the right to marry of your choice and will then you should. May Allah give your wife the same place in your family's heart as my sister-in-law's family have given my brother.

:thumbs_up:thumbs_up:thumbs_up:thumbs_up

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Take the right Allah has given you and ask Allah to bless your marriage and make it acceptable to your parents.

My sister-in-law who is Bengladeshi married my brother (pakistani) against her families wishes. Alhumdulillah, we had no problem with it from day one but her family cut of all ties with her. But it didn't last long. She proved to be a great wife to my bro, a great sis-in-law to me and a great daughter-in-law to my parents. On the other hand, my brother excelled even more in her families eyes. Today, her brothers consult my brother when they need advice, one of her brothers has worked with my younger bro and have plans to work together in a new business. My sis-in-laws mother now introduces my brother to her relatives and associates with such pride and he treats her entire family like his own. From something that started off without her families blessings has turned into one of the best and beautiful marriages I have ever seen in my whole life. MashaAllah.

InshaAllah, if Allah has given you the right to marry of your choice and will then you should. May Allah give your wife the same place in your family's heart as my sister-in-law's family have given my brother.

its really nice to hear such stories, where everything pulls together for the best at the end.


shortly after i created this thread, his family told him to forget me because it will never happen with their permission and they'll never accpet me. They implied he can marry me if he wants but no one will support him. he decided to end it all, and give in the very same day. according to him he has sacrificed his happiness for his parents and he can answer to Allah swt, so hopefully he will get rewarded, so i think that makes him feel better.

ive never pushed him to fight for us and go against his parents even tho their reasonings are wrong and unislamic. but he has given up anyway and decided not to argue with them and tell them how their reasons are wrong.

its hard. because for as long as i live i'll live with that scar, where i have been refused and been judged so severly for things which i find unfair. my family have been judged and insulted. Its hard, because i feel so low now. i had no say in this. everytime he went to his parents, he went with his choice and sometimes without me knowing. now his decided to go and keep them happy, he also made that decision. i guess that happens when you go about things the wrong way.i learnt, and i thank Allah swt for keeping me strong.

just two days ago my family happen to approach me regarding marriage. they asked me directly if i have any potential proposal in mind.i told them everything and said i dnt anymore and told them im ok if they want to start looking to get me married now. they have decided to start the search. Inshallah things wont be as bad now ive left it to my family too. please keep me in your duas.

 

[mathematician]

Just remember nobody dies in this world without problems. Believe me what you are going through is much more bearable than some of the difficult tests faced by some people. So, praise Allah that you have something not as difficult to face. There are people out there who don't get proper food on a daily basis. There are people out there who cannot see. There are people out there with physical diseases going through so much pain with tears coming down their eyes. I can go on and on.
So try to appreciate all the good things you have.
And oh the good news is YOU WILL GET OVER IT. Take this experience as a means to get yourself stronger. "for as long as i live i'll live with that scar" that's not a characteristic that should remain inside a muslim. You will need to get stronger, and insha'Allah this experience will make that happen.
So as I said you should say alhamdulillah that your test was reduced to this.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Just remember nobody dies in this world without problems. Believe me what you are going through is much more bearable than some of the difficult tests faced by some people. So, praise Allah that you have something not as difficult to face. There are people out there who don't get proper food on a daily basis. There are people out there who cannot see. There are people out there with physical diseases going through so much pain with tears coming down their eyes. I can go on and on.
So try to appreciate all the good things you have.
And oh the good news is YOU WILL GET OVER IT. Take this experience as a means to get yourself stronger. "for as long as i live i'll live with that scar" that's not a characteristic that should remain inside a muslim. You will need to get stronger, and insha'Allah this experience will make that happen.
So as I said you should say alhamdulillah that your test was reduced to this.

salam,

thank you for those words...yes i do feel that way now. All praise to Allah, it isnt the end of the world. Everyone will learn in their own way. keep me in your duas because all this did get to me and ive messed my degree up now because of this.

 

[Ansariyah]

Make Dua..Allah is always listening, he might grant u ..ur wish InshaAllah.

 

[mathematician]

salamu 'alaykum sister, you know there are so many good men out there. Insha'Allah you will find a good husband. If not in this life, then you will insha'Allah in the next life, provided you try to please Allah. This type of problem happens to so many people out there. At first one thinks it's impossible to live with it. Then slowly you begin to realize it's not so bad. Then after that you completely move on. Not only that but the day will come that you will have no sadness about this situation at all.
One final comment I would like to make is, you just don't know what is good for you. Maybe there is a better man waiting there for you, who knows? If not, then bearing this with patience can insha'Allah get you to Allah's pleasure........is there anything better?
Please don't let it come in your way of your studies. You are strong, and you will survive this. Maybe that's not so obvious now, but you just watch yourself how you will surprise yourself by your hidden strength.

 

[Yanal]

Brother you need to respect your parents decision because there are many great sisters like the one you met. It's the first impression which is the last impression. Ask your parents to find a women suitable for you,try to accept one like this one,and problem solved.

It's not easy as it sounds. Just work on your deen and forget your previous girl,thats the best you can do.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

if only you knew what poison for your islam pre-marital relations are...


if only you knew....