Sorry to hear about the abuse youve gone through, you seem very strong. I'm a victim of verbal abuse. My father constantly berates me, puts me down, swears at me, calls me names, etc. I feel extremely worthless and suffer from low confidence and self esteem. If my friends compliment me or say something nice about me, deep down inside me I feel Im undeserving of that praise and cannot fully accept anything positive about me.
It took a toll on my life because I lost motivation in many things and dont have dreams and aspirations. My father would tell me I'm useless and wont succeed in life, and it just made me feel hopeless and not good enough. His cruel words left a deep wound in my soul and still continue to do so. I've been physically abused on a few occasions, nothing severe, but I feel its absolutely nothing compared to verbal abuse.
Abuse from a parent is very damaging and requires that you take immediate action to begin your healing process, especially if you are approaching marital age. You should not go into a relationship without working on this first. You may end up with an abuser due to the treatment you have learned to tolerate.
Please don't feel it is a lost cause though, because it isn't. This is a matter of changing the beliefs your father has instilled in you. The first step is by recognizing that he is wrong by saying those things and is probably suffering himself. He may have a psychological disorder, or who knows. That isn't your problem. You have to focus on your own belief system and reassuring yourself that everything he said is not true. Every human is worthy and has amazing potential. Abusers love to belittle those who they feel threatened by. My ex doesn't like smart women. The first thing he said to me about his new wife is that she is dumb :hmm: and now I understand why it was necessary for him to make sure I depended on him for reassurance. It is no surprise that I bloomed and developed intellectually after we split. This is usually the case in most abuse situations. This includes parents. Some parents are jealous, some parents are vindictive and some just don't know how to control their anger, but the truth is it doesn't matter WHY they hurl hurtful words and again, it isn't your business. Don't waster time trying to justify it, just focus on healing from it.
I just hate how people make a big deal about physical abuse and think domestic violence is only physical. Many put so much emphasis on physical and forget the damage caused by verbal abuse.
It is sad, but it is due to ignorance. I have similar sentiments, but really, they are not better or worse than the other.
Btw, sister I wanted to ask you, is getting abused by a husband something a wife should overlook or should it be a dealbreaker?
It should NEVER be overlooked. The first time my ex hit me, it was a light slap to the face. Coming from a background of parental physical abuse (not so much verbal, Alhamdullilah) I had endured much more physical pain and didn't think much of it. Had I known how to recognize what's to come, I would have done something about it. Once he realized I wouldn't do anything, it became more constant.
It gets very tricky when there are children involved. Both men and women tend to overlook the abuse, especially if they tolerate it well due to childhood trauma. This is how the vicious circle continue. Some will never do anything about it and the behavior is passed down to children and it just continues.
So the moment a husband hits or swears at his wife, should she call it quits or give him a chance and set boundaries in the relationship? Whats the best way to deal with abuse in marriage?
Calling it quits shouldn't be the first option, especially if there is a family established. However, the victim should be firm and I personally suggest leaving for a while, until the other person seeks help and shows proper improvement. They both should seek help actually as there's a reason why the abuser felt it was okay to abuse the other in the first place. It is unwise to continue to stay in the household and being intimate with the abuser as they will get the impression that their behavior is tolerated and acceptable.
