Why I can’t make friends.

[anonymous]

I have come to realise that I can’t make friends. The only people I have in my life are close family and even with them I feel that I lack a real connection.

For a long time, I have believed that I don’t need friends but I feel that this now bothering me.

I am a doctor by profession and at work i’ve noticed that I lack the social skills to build connections with people. I feel like other people find me really awkward sometimes. I am very introverted in nature and get on with my work. The upside of this is that I don’t get into much conflict. I absolutely hate small talk because I find it fake and pointless.

Yet, friends I have had, eventually, have said that I am a wonderful friend. It takes me a while to trust people and due to upbringing (below) have a hard time letting them in.

Tbh I attribute this largely to my upbringing. Growing up, my parents never allowed us to explore/ have any friends because they were “bad influence”. To be frank, people i hung out with in my school were a bad influence so I understand the logic but still. Also, I have, myself, grown up very protected and sheltered, coming to a western country at a young age.

I have realised this feeling since getting married by coming out of my primary social bubble. My husband on the other hand regards friends as centre of everything. He actively takes the time out to go and see his friends. In fact, he has about a bazillion friends. And I have NOT made a single friend for the past five years.


I know I won’t die if i don’t make friends but i thought i’d reflect on it publicly THAT i am a loser.

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I don't really think it has much to do with your upbringing. It may have some effect, but essentially you are probably naturally introverted and awkward. There's nothing wrong with that. If you want to make deeper connections with others, then ask personal questions, find things about other people that would interest you. You don't have to have small talk. Pick at their brain. Learn about their ambitions, their past, why they are in the career they are in. You can be guarded and still open at the same time by choosing which information you are comfortable with sharing without making it seem that you are withholding anything back.

 

[Imraan]

Assalamu Alaikum

I have to agree with @charisma... It is more a natural personality trait rather than a 'conditioned one' as the op states. Its perfectly normal to 'keep your distance' when encountering people, especially when you keep finding yourself in 'social circles' where you do feel compelled to be cautious. Bit like me, my social circle is very small, most of my relatives.. I trust because of the length of time that I knew them like from age 4... Then number of close friends with whom I have regular contact do not even exceed number of fingers on one hand, the rest is very occasional. I always thought it was me being a person who hates talking on the phone.. I avoid these long calls and I dont like talking unnaccessarily. I prefer to spend time with someone in person, it's just way better.

You ain't a loser, count your blessings, you are a doctor. Say Alhamdulillah... Your profession allows you to make a difference in people's lives.. Daily.. Do it for humanity, do it for the sake of Allah swt. I look at you sister and I can proudly say 'she's a sucess', you don't just be become a doctor by chance.. Well not in the western countries for sure!!!.. You worked hard for it, don't undervalue those efforts in vain.

What I am resisting right now..? Facing a pessimistic and negative approach to life and the community. I have to kind of force myself to be more humble towards people in general, more than I was before.. Why? My faith in humanity is failing however I know in our religion it teaches us to conduct ourselves to be more optimistic and positive about meeting and dealing with people, especially when you encounter new people that havent wronged you... Yet. Give them some benefit of doubt that 'hey they're not out to get you.. They might be good for you...'.. Trust issues will always be there for most.. There has to be some safeguarding.

I do look out for better circles to be Involved in, with a hope that there is better security.. People like us don't want to take a 'burn'... Know what I mean?

 

[Eusra Fhaad inshaAllah]

Sister,MashaAllah you got everything going in your direction - say Alhamdul'ILLAH

It's ok to have friends & it's ok to not have.

People can be real cunning& harmful at times.Maybe you are helped by Allah to stay away from bad company& you never know how your friends would influence your life.

As long as you're doing okay with family,I believe it's enough alongwith your profession.

And Allah knows the best

 

[SintoDinto]

sister, some people are naturally introverted and prefer deep, one-on-one connection with a few close friends rather than casual connection while making many friends like your husband, who appears to be extroverted. it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, it just means youre an introvert. much of the population is introverted, but the society seems to favor extroverts, since small talk is conducive to the way we build corporate and other relationships in our society. whereas others prefer the big picture, or the big things, and want to accomplish big things, or talk about deep subjects with great intimacy at times. and if you genuinely are having trouble making friends, having a few friends is better than none at all. but if you have no friends, don't worry, they will come. just be yourself, but try to be presentable without giving up your authenticity (in other words, be yourself but not with strangers like you would with your best friend or sibling lol). don't sweat it, youre fine

 

[xboxisdead]

I have come to realise that I can’t make friends. The only people I have in my life are close family and even with them I feel that I lack a real connection.

For a long time, I have believed that I don’t need friends but I feel that this now bothering me.

I am a doctor by profession and at work i’ve noticed that I lack the social skills to build connections with people. I feel like other people find me really awkward sometimes. I am very introverted in nature and get on with my work. The upside of this is that I don’t get into much conflict. I absolutely hate small talk because I find it fake and pointless.

Yet, friends I have had, eventually, have said that I am a wonderful friend. It takes me a while to trust people and due to upbringing (below) have a hard time letting them in.

Tbh I attribute this largely to my upbringing. Growing up, my parents never allowed us to explore/ have any friends because they were “bad influence”. To be frank, people i hung out with in my school were a bad influence so I understand the logic but still. Also, I have, myself, grown up very protected and sheltered, coming to a western country at a young age.

I have realised this feeling since getting married by coming out of my primary social bubble. My husband on the other hand regards friends as centre of everything. He actively takes the time out to go and see his friends. In fact, he has about a bazillion friends. And I have NOT made a single friend for the past five years.


I know I won’t die if i don’t make friends but i thought i’d reflect on it publicly THAT i am a loser.

I am 41 years old and have no friends. I have zero friends. I am...............HAPPY! We have diluted the definition of friend to equators and someone whom you socialize at work or at school. I have a something to shock everyone here. If we understood the real meaning, the actual definition of a friend and what a friend is, a real friend...friend...friend that Allah (Subahanhu Wa Talaa) taught us what a friend is....

Not....one....single....soul....in this forum...super moderators or not....have a friend. We are all LIKE YOU...ALL OF US. I assure you...…we don't identify ourselves as losers. In fact, how Islam define what a friend is....90% of the human population don't have friends. I would say 90% easy. Don't be deluded by the group of people walking on the street laughing and giggling and going out shopping or taking each other for a date to watch a movie in a theatre. Those people are like you...friendless. Even though, they are charmed by the illusion that this world bring to them, if we were to take the hologram out they will find out those 10 people walking in groups in the street are friendless, just like you or me.

I say, we should do a homework. Go to the best scholar out there...real shiekh...and ask him what does Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) tell us what a friend really is? Once we get the definition, we make it into a full check list. A friend have to have all those checklist checked...not one of the items as an X. Not one. Then we take the checklist and apply it to our group of so called friends and see...do they meet all the checklist. If they don't, you don't have friends. You may have equants but no friends.