Why should my past bother her

[anonymous]

I currently have a marriage proposal and I am happy to marry the gairl in question. she's been into'd via family and we have met within the limits just to get to know each other. She is practicing but I get the feeling she is reluctant to go ahead as she's uncomfortable with my past. I mean i've not done anything particulary wrong but by the same token i wasn't practicing ie don't have abeard and pray salah - just a typical teen growing up in the west. I am making an effort to improve on this but I just get a negative vibe. I don't know would prefer an opinion from the other side as everyone looks upon themselves in a positive light. Maybe if the boot was on teh other foot I'd feel the same but I feel it'sa tad harsh on me. I'm trying to better myself and nobody is perfect are they?

 

[Umm♥Layth]

Asalaam Aleikum,

She is in her right to not accept your past if she doesn't want to and you are in your right to do the same. This is because people have a tendency of falling back to their old habits and it is something one must consider when marrying somebody. I've seen it many times over. The religious man/woman with a "bad" past get married and a few years later they decide they want to go back, except now there's kids involved and it can get ugly. This isn't always the case however, and what both parties should be looking for is consistency in their change/new lifestyle. The longer a person has remained steadfast, the more likely they wills stay that way. It is a chance one has to take to get married

When we accept somebody for marriage, we accept the entire package. Who they were, who they are and the potential of who they can become. All of us constantly change and if you have made efforts to be a better person and you have progressed from where you were (and have remained steadfast), then you are going in the right direction. THAT should be her concern, but again she is in her right to judge for herself what she wants in a spouse or not. I encourage you to do the same. If you have a bad vibe, I suggest you move along. Don't force it. You will know when you've found the right person. There is little to no compromise and no having to be someone you are not.

May Allah make it easy for you! Ameen.

 

[aminah996]

Salaam

Yeah I agree with what the sister above said. When we are deciding to get married whether it be a man or a female we all look for specific things. Prayer is very important as this will influence your relationship for example if you're someone who prays all their five prayers then you wake each other up for Fajr and that. Having good akhlaaq is very important when seeking to get married. As you are aware this will influence your children and also her own lifestyle when she gets married to you. We all want to marry someone who will help us strive towards jannah (our end goal).

However. That rightly says that like you said if you have changed and you are aware that you will not fall back into your old habits then you need to show this. You need to convince and show the woman you want to marry that she should trust you and merely not just words as this can be easily ignored during marriage. But through your actions - e.g praying, fearing Allah and things like that. Don't be disheartened as she is being very careful before she gets into a doom and she later cannot escape it.

Besides you don't need to tell anyone your past. Our sins and our past should be protected between Allah and us. Allah conceals this privacy between him and you. So its not essential to tell every girl you meet (and want to potentially marry) about your past. We all change and grow out of certain habits and Allah needs to only be our witness not anyone else. So be careful about this issue. Unless you are a person who needs help staying steadfast don't share anything that doesn't need to be mentioned.

Wishing you best. InshaAllah!

 

[anonymous]

I understand we have no duty to disclose our past. However, it's a bit difficult because we went to teh same college and she made reference to the fact we we might have been at the same college. Though I never interacted with her she obviuosly has seen me socialising with my friends and I feel this has brought on the reluctant vibe. I'm at a stage where i need to settle down but it's a case of convincing her I'm not the same person. I can understand her reluctance to a point because she obviously wants somebody she feels she can get on with and I do not blame her for this. I'm hoping she will see that I am now a different person.

 

[Umm Abed]

Give her more time to think while you work on certain aspects of your deen, for eg, salah, its a no-choice zone. Salah must be performed 5 times a day, so if you can get that right first then insha'allah, there is much hope and she will feel at ease.

 

[aminah996]

I understand we have no duty to disclose our past. However, it's a bit difficult because we went to teh same college and she made reference to the fact we we might have been at the same college. Though I never interacted with her she obviuosly has seen me socialising with my friends and I feel this has brought on the reluctant vibe. I'm at a stage where i need to settle down but it's a case of convincing her I'm not the same person. I can understand her reluctance to a point because she obviously wants somebody she feels she can get on with and I do not blame her for this. I'm hoping she will see that I am now a different person.

Oh had no idea they went to the same college oops

 

[aminah996]

I understand we have no duty to disclose our past. However, it's a bit difficult because we went to teh same college and she made reference to the fact we we might have been at the same college. Though I never interacted with her she obviuosly has seen me socialising with my friends and I feel this has brought on the reluctant vibe. I'm at a stage where i need to settle down but it's a case of convincing her I'm not the same person. I can understand her reluctance to a point because she obviously wants somebody she feels she can get on with and I do not blame her for this. I'm hoping she will see that I am now a different person.

Yah bro don't allow her to see you to be the same person. Remmeber when we are younger we obviously are immature. When someone decides they want to get married they understand responsibilities and put their past behind them. Im sure she merely made mistakes as well. She shouldn't disown you for this reason I'm sure you can prove yourself and put yourself in the best light infront of Allah (mostly) and this will reflect on how others see you. But remember it should never be a show for others as we do things for Allahs sake!

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum, brother.

I am sorry if my question maybe offend you. But, does your past that bother her relate to a love story?.

Women usually have no problem with a man's past, except the past that relate to love story.

 

[anonymous]

Well it's only fair i ansa that . No i never got into a relationship but admit to having girsls in my extended social circle.. Again nothing wrong happened but I don't see why that should affect her train of thought. I mean it's pretty impossible to find anyone who does not have a mixed social circle in this day and age. If that's her problem then I feel that's be unfair. I must add she has always been very practicing from as far back as I can recall so maybe I don't meet her standard.

 

[anonymous]

Salam

Well this is certainly an interesting point in todays context. I think too many people get caught up in thios every saint has a past and a sinner has a future mentality to justify their lifestyle. While we should never lose hope in Allah's mercy I feel we should equally fear his punishment. I am aware there are many authentic narrations re murderers etc being granted jannah but this was at a time when islam was in its infancy and teh majority of teh ARab peninsul was drowned in ignorance prior to teh arrival of islam. Yet nowadays most of us are privileged to born into muslim households and havethe ability to study the deen yet ignore to do so and clutch on to narrations about sinners being forgiven. I am in no way belittlitng these events naudhubillah but I think we should make an attempt to reflect on our state and have a reality check.


Forgive me if I'm being harsh but let's see how you would feel if your potential wife was mixing with boys... The sad thing is most indulging in this behavior are intelligent enough to pursue grad studies but fail to acquire basic islamic knowledge which creates many societal ills. I also don't get how many people expect to find a good spouse while spending their youth in ignorance and in most cases they not this but refuse to chenge their ways. You wouldn't buy a car with a dodgy history so why would someone choose a life partner who isnt on the deen???

 

[Shamnadanu]

Salam

Well this is certainly an interesting point in todays context. I think too many people get caught up in thios every saint has a past and a sinner has a future mentality to justify their lifestyle. While we should never lose hope in Allah's mercy I feel we should equally fear his punishment. I am aware there are many authentic narrations re murderers etc being granted jannah but this was at a time when islam was in its infancy and teh majority of teh ARab peninsul was drowned in ignorance prior to teh arrival of islam. Yet nowadays most of us are privileged to born into muslim households and havethe ability to study the deen yet ignore to do so and clutch on to narrations about sinners being forgiven. I am in no way belittlitng these events naudhubillah but I think we should make an attempt to reflect on our state and have a reality check.


Forgive me if I'm being harsh but let's see how you would feel if your potential wife was mixing with boys... The sad thing is most indulging in this behavior are intelligent enough to pursue grad studies but fail to acquire basic islamic knowledge which creates many societal ills. I also don't get how many people expect to find a good spouse while spending their youth in ignorance and in most cases they not this but refuse to chenge their ways. You wouldn't buy a car with a dodgy history so why would someone choose a life partner who isnt on the deen???

Brother in college life you do not want to be having an extended mixed social circle to make people respect you.

In the college i am studying now ..a few little students is attrubuted as enjoining good and forbidding bad type of believing muslims...Allah sent Muhammed pbuh as last prophet... now its like inorder to increase our eeman and understand dheen and to complete our duty..Do Da'wah


i expand much of people in college through Da'wah...the professors.janitors security students from all religion are likely to respect when we people give importance to our salah and sunnah...
Girls are likely going ill ways these days...in college no girl is interested to talk with me...not due to dislike...some are just correcting their own mistakes when they see there are practicing Muslims around who makes their gaze down to earth even as classmates

It is compulsory like salah to do da'wah...Allah will give hidaya to those who do da'wah...for instamce i talked and communicated with lot of seniors based on dheen..poiting out the poor structured present society and people lacking importance of dheen etc...

It was a good experience for me and my friends..even though as a minority ...college life is quite very useful....
if you could have changed earlier...you could have saved a lot of people and also she could have likes you.

Allah helps those who do Da'wah and live with dheen anytime...college is very important part of life as a youth.