Women and unhappy marriages

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The Ruler

The Ruler

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Salam,

I've been wondering recently (perhaps a little ignorantly, I don't know) about women who are unhappy in their relationships (married, of course). I know if a marriage isn't fantastic, the wife is recommended to make sacrifices to keep things together. But let's say that the man is somewhat unforgiving and the woman continues to sacrifice to keep things going believing that her reward is with God in the hereafter; what is to become of the man? Will he be punished for not keeping her happy? If so, should a wife continue to sacrifice everything just so her oppressive husband can, in the end, be punished by God? Or will this man continue to reap reward, regardless? And if so, why should the woman sacrifice it all for this man's contentment, when all he gave her was below par, just so they could both get the same?

Perhaps I am over-thinking things. I just want to know whether there is any text within the Qur'an or the hadiths that address the issue of an unhappy wife. There are texts detailing the severity of the sins of a woman who fails to keep her husband happy (in bed or otherwise) and I know of the Prophet's saying that the best amongst the Muslim men are those who are best to their wives, but I'm wondering if there is anything anywhere that talks of the punishment of a man who fails to keep his wife happy.

I don't know if this is the right section; the short and vague blurbs under the subsection headings did little to help.
 
Asalaamu Alaikum,

It would be completely wrong and contrary to Islam to say that a man who oppresses his wife is "sinless" (ie. not attaining sin from it). You don't really need a hadith specifically to say this, because it's common sense (Not saying there aren't any though, as there's many which speak of oppression and how they'll go to hell for it). Hadiths/verses of the Qur'an wouldn't constantly talk about good treatment of women, if the opposite wasn't considered sinful. Also, no woman should stay with a oppressive husband.

I do remember a hadith about a man being asked about his family on the day of judgement (ie. how he handled them). It's to do with people being asked how they handled their responsibilities. There's also another hadith (though I need to double check source) of treating women (or it's daughters) well, as it is a curtain for them in the hell fire.

Anyways, here's some hadiths/verses that indicate the kind treatment of women;

"Live together with them (wives) in kindness..." (Qur'an 4:19)

Umar(رضي الله عنه): “By Allah, we didn’t use to think that women had anything until Allah revealed about them what He revealed in the Qur’an, and distributed to them what He distributed…” [Bukhari & Muslim]

It was narrated that a man consulted ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattab, may God be pleased with him, about divorcing his wife and ‘Umar said to him: “Do not do so.”

“I do not love her,” the man argued.

‘Umar may Allah be pleased with him said, “Are families built only on love? Where is, then, mutual care and the maintenance of rights and duties?”
​




 [Fi Thilaal Al-Quranby Sayyid Qutb] (note: I've checked, this hadith is authentic)

During the time of Umar ibn Al-Khattaab (رضي الله عنه), a man said to his wife: "I beg you in the name of Allah, do you love me?" She replied: "No." When this news reached Umar, he summoned her and asked: "Did you tell your husband that you do not love him?" She said: "O Leader of the Believers, he asked me in the name of Allah so how could I lie to him?" He replied: "Yes, you should have lied to him. Not all marriages are built upon love, rather people should establish their relationships upon Islam and good treatment of one another." (Ghidha' al-Albaab fi Sharh Manzoomah al-Adaab)

Iyas ibn 'Abdullah ibn Abi Dhubab reported... that The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "The people of the household of Muhammad have surrounded by many women who are complaining about their husbands. Those men are not among the best of you." [Abu Dawud]

Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "A believing man should not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes something in her character, he should be pleased with some other * or another* trait of hers." [Muslim]

Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Treat women well. Woman was created from a rib. The most crooked part of the rib is the top part. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. If you leave it, it remains crooked. So treat women well." [Agreed upon]

“The best amongst yourselves are the best to their wives, and I am the best to my wives.” [Ibn Majah]

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said:

“May Allah have mercy on a man who gets up at night and prays, and he wakes up his wife, and if she refuses (to get up) he sprinkles water in her face. And may Allah have mercy on a woman who gets up at night and prays, and she wakes up her husband, and if he refuses (to get up) she sprinkles water in his face.”

[Narrated by Abu Dawood, 1308; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood]

The eleventh one said, “My husband is Abu Zar and what is Abu Zar (i.e., what should I say about him)? He has given me many ornaments and my ears are heavily loaded with them and my arms have become fat (i.e., I have become fat). And he has pleased me, and I have become so happy that I feel proud of myself. He found me with my family who were mere owners of sheep and living in poverty, and brought me to a respected family having horses and camels and threshing and purifying grain. Whatever I say, he does not rebuke or insult me. When I sleep, I sleep till late in the morning, and when I drink water (or milk), I drink my fill.”

….’Aisha then said: Allah’s Apostle said to me, “I am to you as Abu Zar was to his wife Um Zar."

- [Hadith - Sahih Al-Bukhari 7.117]

"Thawban reported that when the revelation came in regard to gold and silver (9:34-5), the sahabah wondered, "What kind of wealth should we then keep?" AndUmar (ra) said "I will find the answer to that."

He then rode his camel fast until he caught up with Allah's messenger (saw) and he - Thawban - was right behind him. He asked "Oh Allah's messenger! What kind of wealth should we keep" and the prophet (saw) replied;

Let each of you keep a heart that is grateful (to Allah), a tongue that remembers and mentions Allah, and a believing wife who would assist him in regards to the affairs of the hereafter." (Ibn Majah)

Once, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) went for Hajj with his wives. However, his wife Safiyyah (رضي الله عنها) began to weep because her camel was weak and was slowing everyone down. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) noticed that she was upset and immediately went to her. He comforted her, and wiped away her tears of sorrow with his own blessed hands and asked her to stop crying. (Majma' Al-Zawaa'id)

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: "When a husband and wife look at one another (with love), Allah looks at them both with mercy. And if the husband then takes hold of his wife's hand, their sins will fall from their fingers."(al-Jaami' al-Sagheer lil-Suyooti)

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: I urge you to treat women well. (Bukhari)

Aa'isha (ﺭﺿﻲ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻨﻬﺎ) narrated that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) used to stitch his own clothes, milk the goats and helped with the household chores. (Bukhari)

‘Aa’ishah (ﺭﺿﻲ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻨﻬﺎ) prepared a dish called khazeerah and presented it to Sawdaa’ (ﺭﺿﻲ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻨﻬﺎ), but she refused to try it. So ‘Aa’ishah said: “You are going to eat it, otherwise I am going to wipe it on your face!” Sawdaa’ still refused, so ‘Aa’ishah scooped some of the dish into her hand and smeared it all over Sawdaa’s face. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said to Sawdaa’: “(Don’t let her get away with it!) Wipe her face with it too!” So she did and the Prophet began to laugh. (al-Silsilah al-Saheehah)

Lol, one of my favourites.

Aishah (رضي الله عنها), the beloved wife of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: "Not once did the Messenger of Allah ever hit a woman." (Abu Dawood)

And of course, there's many other hadiths, not to mention the sayings and actions of the Salaaf. Hope you see the point that, any Muslim who actually learns about their religion, would know that oppressing or ill-treating their wives is considered sinful. And that throughout the sayings and actions of the Prophet, it is made clear how men in Islam should treat women.

ps. Some of these hadith above are rare gems, so wish to give a brother named ayub57 credit for sharing some of these
 
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this will make an interesting topic. Most times, it seems as if the wife's happines is optional. imsad
 
And of course, there's many other hadiths, not to mention the sayings and actions of the Salaaf. Hope you see the point that, any Muslim who actually learns about their religion, would know that oppressing or ill-treating their wives is considered sinful. And that throughout the sayings and actions of the Prophet, it is made clear how men in Islam should treat women.
Click to expand...

All the islamic info is great and stuff. But we actually do have a lot of sisters who are being oppressed in the marriage, and if not oppressed then still very unhappy to do neglect or some other treatment. Sometimes it gets to a point where it's no longer a marriage but just too people living together. In most of these cases, the "religious" imams and sheikhs keep giving the same advice. They keep telling the wife to have sabr, to forgive, to live through it and everything else in order to "save" the marriage, which for someone at that point has become a prison instead. No one ever gives advice towards the husband, what he needs to do. Or even the possibility of an option of getting out of it. With such bias answers, many don't even bother going to the imam and if you do ask them, they will say exactly that stated above about what sheikhs say and don't see any point of going to someone who isn't offering practical advice. How does a sister in such a marriage deal with it when clearly going to the imams is useless as they are seen nothing more than making excuses for the husband. And quoting islamic literature on how things "should" be doesn't exactly offer real answers.
 
Families in my culture are very protective to their daughters and they will take an action if their daughters husbands do 'something wrong'. Sometime, although very rare, this action means violence. Ulama/Imam in my culture are protective toward women too.

Strangely, there were case (and it's actually often happened) which the wives told their families that their husbands did 'something bad' to them, but when their families would take an action, suddenly they turned into their husband side and defend their husbands from their anger families.

This is why people in my place say "the border between hate and love is as thin as a paper".
 
whenever questions like this arise for me then I remember that Allaah has said he is all-just.


Would a Just ruler reward a man for evil?
 
assalam o alikum
First Of all Praise to Allah Almighty who is very kind with his creation,
it is the duty of every man to keep his wife happy and satisfied. if he don't do so, then he will not able to enter in the paradise as it has been mentioned in the hadith of Hazarat Muhammad s.a.w.w.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3358 Narrated by Abu Bakr as-Siddiq
"The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats badly those under his authority will not enter Paradise."
 
It should work both ways, from what I have seen, often it seems like people don't believe the woman or think she may be exaggerating things and blowing it out of proportion.

I am not sure if this really is the case but it is possible though. I heard of a case where a wife was complaining her husband didn't buy her things, when the ulema went to her home to speak to the husband, he showed them she had several 100 pairs of shoes alone. She was short of nothing. It is cases like these that make woman lose their credibility and everyone knows some women can be very hard to please.


There are genuine cases of abuse however, I think the ulema normally ask the woman to make sabr due to the complexity of the issue when it comes to the children living without a father or a lone woman raising her children without enough provisions. So though it might seem like they are being bias, I think they are looking at the overall picture. Also it tends to be very difficult for divorced women with children to remarry.
 

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