Hi,
Am new to this - I have got major problems but got no one to turn to and now I have really come to the end, where I cannot take much more and need to explode. I have been married for over 6 months, and yes it was arranged. I just do not seem to get on with him at all, he has been here for a few months now but I just cant seem to connect with him at all. I am not attracted to him and therefore that's the biggest hurdle I cannot get over. I really really wanted my marriage to work, wanted happiness and I no looks are not everything but with the problems there I think that's where the other issues stem from. I wanted to make me parents happy but they have found out I am not happy and its caused tension between all my family and me.
I know I am to blame but dunno what to do to change things. I try really hard and just as I think we ver very slowly making little progress, he goes and does something that irritates me. He is really clingy and I've told him I need space and take things slow, he says OK. but then 2 days later hes pestering me again.
I really hate me life at the mo, i hate being at home, surrounded by people who don't like me.
I don't tell me friends cos then I they would keep askin me how I am, and i'll be a total wreck. I have a hidden life from all my frends - its horrible. I have so many emotions and feelings locked up. I dno what to do.. I need help.. Allah swt please guide me right, help me be a good muslim and wife and inshAllah one day a mother. I had so many dreams and wished, as my husband did, but nothings gone right.. What do I need to do??
Hmm lol, it's quite complicated. I know you mean well Bint sis, but I don't understand how a person can try to feel attraction for someone who doesn't have the qualities that attract them. I don't think attraction can be forced. Still one can still live with a person they aren't attracted to - but that takes a lot of will-power and acceptance of the person however they are. However I truly believe that lack of attraction is harmful to both parties and if one can't live with that and it affects their whole relationship, then they should separate.
Hmm lol, it's quite complicated. I know you mean well Bint sis, but I don't understand how a person can try to feel attraction for someone who doesn't have the qualities that attract them. I don't think attraction can be forced. Still one can still live with a person they aren't attracted to - but that takes a lot of will-power and acceptance of the person however they are. However I truly believe that lack of attraction is harmful to both parties and if one can't live with that and it affects their whole relationship, then they should separate.
wa alaikum asalam wr wb.
so ya sayin if u dont fancy sum1 then u shudnt marry em n shudnt be wid em? so everythin shud be based on luks? hmmm interestin.
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Here is a married sister talking, my marrige was arranged just like yours, well i will try not to talk a lot...
From reading your posts, it seems like to me (forgive me if i was wrong) that you had unrealistic expectations from your hubby, and since now he is not up to your expectations- even though he seems like a good person- he is just not good enough.
You say that you dont feel connected, that you feels sad, not loved..I bet he feels the same too, if you feel he is stranger to you be 100% sure he feels you are stranger to him, it goes both way, but is he being upset about it? complaining to others about it? he is not showing it to you, in fact, it seems like he is actually trying to bring happiness to his and your life by telling you that he loves you and wat not, unfortunatly you dont appreciate it!!
You say the problame in him being clingy, maybe the problame is within you? maybe its you who need to seek professional help in order to change your prespective about life and how it is.
You say you are not attracted to him, think why, and then GO TELL HIM, he wouldnt know unless you tell him, right. Give your marrige some time, a guy is not handsome because he got a certain haricut or dresses a certain way, but because of the way he treats his woman and stands with her no matter how hard it gets.
You know how hard it is to get a decent guy nowadays? they either drink, or sleep around, or watch porn, or mistreat their parents, or abuse their wives emotinally or physically, or are financially dependent on their parents, or search for working wives so that they can take her money from her, or ask for big amounts of dowry, or steal or...or...or...ect..
If your husband is non of the above, trust me you are lucky person.
I suggest you read "the proper care and feeding of husbands" and "the proper care and feeding of marrige" by dr.Laura Slescinger (sp?). She has opend my eyes and saved many marriges. Sorry if i was rude, do forgive me sister, I just dont want you to waste your life.
Wassalam
Last edited by Noora_z3; 05-11-2008 at 08:24 AM.
A Muslim Paradise is not a place of arrival, but a way of Travellin
Wanted to add, you sai that your husband is clingy and he is always sayin to you that he loves you and that drives you crazy, right?
I got couple of comments about this statment of your, you know how many women complain that their men just dont look at them, are way tooo independent and dont ask their wives about variouse matters. I know many women will be ENVIOUSE knowin that you have a clingy husband.
Second thing is, maybe you have some psychological wounds that is making you feel you are unworthy of his love hence you try to hurt him and drive him away from you. When we have such kind of wounds we cant handel such kind of love, it makes us anxiouse and wat not.
Last thing is, certainly you had a certain picture of your future hubby and he didnt turn the way you wanted and THATS WHY you feel depressed sister, so take your time, grive it for a while and then move on, think what can I DO NOW to be happy and to make my hubby happy.
You are a very brave girl to come forward and say how you feel, work for your marrige sister, I have full faith that you two will work it out. , please ask me any question if you like,
Massalama
A Muslim Paradise is not a place of arrival, but a way of Travellin
Originally Posted by Muslimah_Sis
^asalam alaikum wr wb,
Hmm lol, it's quite complicated. I know you mean well Bint sis, but I don't understand how a person can try to feel attraction for someone who doesn't have the qualities that attract them. I don't think attraction can be forced. Still one can still live with a person they aren't attracted to - but that takes a lot of will-power and acceptance of the person however they are. However I truly believe that lack of attraction is harmful to both parties and if one can't live with that and it affects their whole relationship, then they should separate.
wa alaikum asalam wr wb.
so ya sayin if u dont fancy sum1 then u shudnt marry em n shudnt be wid em? so everythin shud be based on luks? hmmm interestin.
I said everything should be based on looks? Where'd you get that from?
By qualities I meant attributes in personality/behavior. Isn't that a cause of attraction too? I hope you don't think attraction only goes as far as looks do you?
By qualities I meant attributes in personality/behavior. Isn't that a cause of attraction too? I hope you don't think attraction only goes as far as looks do you?
wa alaikum asalam.
Lol sorry hun, I thought you meant attraction as in LOOKS only Lol sorry
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Guys i know I haven't given it time, but the time I have given it feels along time to me personally, when your feeling down every single day, it feels like a long time.
Divorce is not an option - as typically it being arranged causes much more problems for everyone and I wouldn't be any happier then than I am now.
Not only for that reason but I personally dont wanna be a divorcee as well.
I did talk to him beforehand, and we got on, but when the marriage actually happened, i just seemed to change.
I don't know what impression I've sent over to you guys, as by some of the comments its clear you think that i'm prob being petty or stupid over little things, but I tell you when your not in a situation like this you never know what it feels like. I never thought I would be and feel like this.. honest its soo hard not having no one to talk and no one around to help. I've always been a happy go larry type-a-person but now i'm so reserved and not my self.. I got my whole life ahead of meself,inshAllah with my hubby and I want it to be on happy terms.
Thanks for all your advise tho, greatly appreciate it..
Coming on here is the only way to talk about it, and you guys don't know me and the fact your still helping and givin advise, helps alot.
:-)
May Allah swt reward u all..
There is something inside me that switches and Im a total diff person.
When i be a cow, i realise and think I won't do this again but den it happens..
i feel guilty and sh*t for the way I am.. i just wisj tjere was summat that could change things, seeing so many cuples around so happy makes it soo hard..
asalam alaikum wr wb
Sis, don't blame yourself. You aren't being like that deliberately. It's sad that husband/marriage didn't meet your expectations. If you don't want a divorce sis, you have to make changes that will bring some positivity and happiness into the marriage.
Can you ask your husband to make a list of what he wants from you and out of this marriage - and you do the same? You can then discuss your needs and hopefully open the doors of communication. For your sake and his, something needs to be worked out.
However, I will say that you shouldn't just stay married to avoid becoming a divorcee. That is not a good reason to stay in a marriage. You both have rights over each other and duties toward each other. Staying because you don't want to be labelled as a divorcee and fulfilling your duties half-heartedly isn't doing anyone any favours. We're talking about a lifetime's commitment here sis. It won't be fair to either of you to live like this.
God forbid, but if this goes unresolved then there is a chance that your husband might not want to stay in this marriage any longer. You need to stay in the marriage for the right reasons and to find them you have to start communicating and compromising, while he is willing to inshaAllah.
I am glad to know that you are saying that divorece is not an option here, cause only then you will give your 100% to this marrige and commit to it.
You said that we never were in your shoes, well, maybe this will surprise yo, but I felt the exact same way in the beginning, even the thought of having a baby only so that he/she fills my life, I had that same kind of thought. Actually MANY couples go throught it, anywys, I realized later I was just runnin from the reality, tryin to blame everything else around me for the sadness I felt at that time.
My marrige was arranged too, mentally we have major compatibility issues, I did my masters in comparative religion so I am very philosophical kind, critical and the kind who likes to question everything, and he on the other hand totaly opposit. I used to get SO bored talking with him. But you know what sis, ultimatly we all want happiness, divorce wasnt an option for me, so I looked for other options and worked hard to bring happiness into my life. I focused on the positives within him, I found that he cared so much about me, he tried to make my every wish come true no matter how tired he wa, that he lisnted and seriously tried to change the stuffs that I didnt like about him..i can go on sayin the good qulitis he has..in short I relized that I found a guy that WOULD NEVER LET ME DOWN and who ALWAYS PUTS ME FIRST even ahead of him..I thought I am in safe hands...thats when I found happiness....it takes time sister...
I hope my story helpes you in anyway
A Muslim Paradise is not a place of arrival, but a way of Travellin
I agree with sis Noora_z3 especially on the compatibility issue and that you should focus on the positive sides.
If I may suggest, give yourself time and travel somewhere together. Do something different and difficult. Why? because, when you face difficult or tiring situations, the way your husband talk to you or help you and the way you talk to or help him would be different because you only have each other at that time. InsyaAllah, you may in love with him. Also, I remember coming across a hadith that suggest you can only claim that you know your friend well after you've been in a journey as musafir together. (I will look this up again)
My husband and I did this and Alhamdulilah. I think there is something about travelling/journey and Allah's rahmah that He shower on you when you do your solah wherever you are.
May Allah bless your marriage with love, happiness and wonderful children.
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