I'm over it.
My Dad is submissive, to my Mom...Anything she says he will go with and to put it short, she's not a nice person.
Some background on me: I'm 17-20, male, a revert to Islam, highschool graduate and currently studying.
I have been offered a full time job for when my course finishes at the end of this year. But the problem is that up until now, the only work I have had is for the family business that recently closed down. Naturally my cash flow has died right up. This alone of course has me depressed, further is the fact that for years I've been applying for jobs (four years, to be specific) and not heard a thing from any except for a handful, one of which the ad lied about the job and they wanted to employ me, for less than legal work and another I went through three interviews just to be rejected and more interviews that lead to rejection.
My Mom is at me all the time for not having a job right now because I haven't tried hard enough and constantly speaks down on me for being lazy, despite the fact I'm ALWAYS seeking work in the newspaper and applying for jobs and beginning to take the fact that I'm not hearing anything from anyone personally. It doesn't help that my younger sister just last year after no pressure decided to apply for jobs one weekend out of boredom from the same sources as I was using and within the week got two interviews and rejected one, then went to the other and got the job effortlessly and has just recently decided to quit cos it was 'too hard'. (in my mind, thats the definition of taking what falls into your lap for granted.)
Anyway, just tonight we were having one of our lovely (yawn) family dinners (with the TV on or my Dad would freak) when my Mom brings up the issue in Zimbabwe and asks me why I care about Palestine when that's obviously so much more dire, so I tell her of course Zimbabwe is an issue also close to my heart, then my Dad starts attacking me for not looking at the facts and listening to my 'internet propaganda' and that Israel have every right to be there. Then my Mom starts yelling about how I'm 'banned for using HER INTERNET' and then the subject somehow escalates to how I do nothing, I'm lazy, good for nothing and I use her and Dad.
My sister, backs them up, which looks odd when she quit her job for sitting in front of the TV all day everyday and received NO scrutiny.
Don't even get me started on my parents' thoughts on Islam, they tell me the same things over and over. Their misconceptions, I present them with truths and they spit in my face.
They believe it's oppressive.
They believe it's sexist.
I'm sick of them telling me I'm stupid, for something I'm not even allowed to express in this home (or out of it for that matter, if they found out I'd seriously be scared) or talk about without being screamed at relentlessly.
I've been here in my room for about 45 minutes and my parents are STILL talking about me. I hate it. I'm sick of being under the microscope. I'm sick of being focusing their attention on my faults and ignoring the good things. I'm sick of how they treat my sister like a princess and me like crap.
I've been feeling physically ill lately for the last month too. Of course my mind has been running wild over what it could have been after seeing doctors and everything coming back normal. A friend who knows nothing about my home life says it sounds like what she went through when she had depression, on reflection I can't help but think she's right.
I want out.
I have to leave as soon as can. I want to move inter-city. I can't put up with seeing her face and hearing her voice for much longer. I don't want to cut ties, but I'm so sure she can't say a nice word to me, it's almost as if it'd kill her.
Even so, moving will require money - I NEED TO HEAR FROM SOMEONE. I've been trying to make my resume impressive, and stay honest, but the truth is, it doesn't.
I've tried being patient but she'll keep going until she pushes my buttons fully.
I still try to show respect, but my actions will never mirror what's going through my mind!!
I could rant on for days, but I'll have to stop there.
I'm scared for my own mental health, I need someone to talk to but have no one I feel I can trust with all of this.
Hey i understand what your going through. Believe me i have my twin sister who what my parents believe 'perfect daughter' they think she is better than me. Recently I had a big argument with my parents and my mum telling me she wants me dead. i thought i was slapped but i anit gona let that get to me. And yes my mum is a bit like your mum, going on about jobs and then comparing me with my cousin who have achieved getting jobs. She always has something bad about me too. I tried to stop eating but it anit gona get me any where. My parents talk about me at night and i no it something bad. I am 17 years old girl...but i dont let them get to me...prove them wrong.
Make a goal/target that will get you through. Prove them wrong. Always have faith on Islam. Read dua, that keeps you calm. Dont always keep thinking the worst. If your parents say something bad, just smile and ignore it. it may be hard but try it. Please dont keep this to your self. Talk to someone, someone with experience like me...i havent told anyone how i feel because i cant but reading what happening to you, made me think that there are people in the same situation as me. We need to stick together
awwwwwww my heart goes out to both of you Wallah it does... I sincerely Pray to Allah swt that He answers all your duas and makes you hardships easy for you both and whoever else that is going through the same thing and rewards you with Jannah Insha'Allah.
Usually when it comes to advice i have a lot got a lot of it to gives from experience and what i have learnt but i have never been in a situation like you two so i cant say that i fully understand i am so sorry.
all i have is my duas to make for you both which i will Insha'Allah but just be strong and know that life is a test and every hardship that we go through are the bigger tests that we get once in a blue moon so with patience and firm believ and putting our wole trustin Allah swt we will get through it Insha'Allah.
and always remember that with ever hardship there are not just one but two reliefs how beautiful is the promiseof our Almighty Lord?
Although He swt puts us through these hardships to test us in the end He has something much much better to give us and His promises are true.
just make sure that you both stay steadfast in your salah and recite the Quran as much as you can cos that is what will beat your depression and give you strength... surah Ar Rahman and Yasin are said to be the best surahs to be recited to heal the heart and make LOADSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS of dua... Allah swt answers all duas.
im sorry again for not having much to say to make you guys feels better
wa salam.
I know that at times i may be annoying or mistaken when i say some things or it may unintentionally God forbid offend u & if that is the case then i sincerely apologise from the bottom of my heart & ask Allah swt's & ur forgiveness, so please do Insha'Allah forgive me and correct me.
So you alone are muslim in your house? MasahAllah! well done you!
just to clairfy, is your mom your real mom? or stepmom?, and do they know your muslim now?
Sometimes we try VERY hard to acquire something and we fail, but the icing on the cake is when someone gets that very thing without even lifting a finger , It happens to ALL of us at some point, and at this point in your life, its to do with getting a job and making money.Right?
The best thing to do is not to fret over it and ruin your health, because how is that helping things ???
Next make plenty of Dua and put your entire trust in Allah, and think i WILL find a job, but only when Allah wants me to. Try as you may, get as ill as you can worrying over it, but it just isnt happening without Allahs will, so just relax, and dont fight it.
As for the family atmosphere, this is obviously the biggest of your problems because its emotional and its effecting your descion making.....this descion you need to make on your own.
get a pen and paper and list all the advantages and disadvantages of leaving your home. How will it benifit you and how much will it harm you?
My heart, so precious,
I won't trade for a hundred thousand souls.
Your one smile takes it for free.Rumi
You know, as a non-Muslim mother with teenage children there is a part of me who can relate to your parents and their reactions ...
But hearing how much it affects you, I feel quite humbled and touched.
Only a couple of evenings ago I had an argument with my teenage daughter. Afterwards I was sounding off at my husband, and I let the words "Sometimes she's so useless!" slip out of my mouth ...
My daughter overheard those words, and she asked me the next day if I really thought that about her.
Luckily we could have a chat, and I explained and apologised, and we had a hug - but the fact remains that I messed up BIG time, and I am not proud of it!
I guess what I am saying is that parents are human beings too.
You are old enough to realise that your parents are neither saints nor superhuman!
Perhaps you can remember that they (very likely) are trying to do their best.
And that they care for you and are concerned about you. That may also mean that they worry about your life choices, and disagree with them!
However much you hurt, try to remember that your parents love you and want the best for you.
Try to remember that Islam teaches you to respect and honour your parents too. Nobody said is was going to be easy ...
I pray for peace and mutual respect for each other in your house.
Salaam
Peace glo
Here I stand.
I can do no other.
May God help me.
Amen.
Come, let us worship and bow down •
and kneel before the Lord our Maker
[Psalm 95]
I'm sorry ur facing this hardship esp by those people who are meant to protect you and make u happy. Like some of the other posters said, Parents are also human. I want to stress, that u should take good care of urself. Remember that you have worth and that u are a good person. Dont let everything they say get to u (i know it will get to u) but dont start to believe that ur good for nothing. Allah made u a Muslim
‘Abdullah Bin Mas’ud (radhiallâhu anhu) narrated that Allah’s Messenger (sallallâhu ‘alayhi wasallam) said, “Allah Most High has allotted you your characters just as He has allotted you your provisions. Allah Most High gives worldly things to those whom He loves and those whom He does not love, but He gives Religion only to those whom He loves, so he who is given Religion by Allah has been loved by Him. By Him in Whose hand my soul is, a man is not a Muslim till his heart and tongue are submissive, and he is not a believer till his neighbor is safe from injurious behavior on his part.” (Tirmidhi 4994)
Allah loves u and guided u. Pls dont forget that. When the world gets u down, remember Allah. Try also not to be like them, just be kind. May Allah open the best doors for u in this life ameen.
You should apply only for the jobs which you like. Inside of the house you should try to help your mom, like cleaning. Ask her. Also, ask for her advice too - mom look i bought this newspaper and i found x or 0 jobs there. Do you think another newspaper would be better Something like that or where do you think i could find a job. Listen her.When your failure to find a job will be hers too (she will not find a job for you either), then she will not reprove you that. She will blame the society but not you.
Thanks you everyone.
I have just been taking it day by day, still looking and still finding nothing.
Yes, I am the only Muslim in my house. And there's only a handful in my town - maybe like 3 families and I'm having trouble talking to them cos there's none of them among my age an I feel like I'm intruding. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it.
Tania, thank you for the advise but they've been pressuring me to apply for a job they know of. It's at a winery though, so I can't take it!! And they take that as me 'not being serious' and my 'laziness showing, cos I don't want the job'
I'm genuinely very sorry to hear about what you are going through. Just some practical advice - have you tried searching for jobs on the internet rather than just the newspaper?
"I spent thirty years learning manners, and I spent twenty years learning knowledge."
sounds harsh bro... reminds me of the sahabi who kept taking slanders towards the prophet sallallahi alaihi wasallaam for his islaam till he came to the prophets house crying and asking him to pray for his mothers guidance.
Bro inshaAllaah make dua' for your family, ask Allaah to help them gain some understanding of islaam.
-
My tears testify that i have a heart
yet i feel me and shaytan never part
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You have to go and ask your imam. With more knowledge on the issue because are certain cases when you can do it. Here its about the family unity and not upseting your mom which i think has priority in front of the wine thing. Just imagine the taxi (cab)drivers which will refuse to take the client to x restaurant because he can drink alcohool there (here its something similar : http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...s-ramadan.html).
I will search on the mufti Ebrahim Desai site too, to see if i can't find the right answer
The site its down
You could try to refuse the winery job with a more human excuse, like i am affraid i am weak and i will finish to be so drunkard like x- if you know someone criticised by your mom would be good. Or, if they smoke there remind her about how sick you are from the cigarette smoke.
1- Which country do you live in?
2- Have you had a job before? What's your previous experience?
3- what kind of training or special skills do you have?
4- What kind of job are you looking for?
5- Are you looking for a career-type job or just any job?
6- Do you have any time restrictions? (ex: no weekends, not mornings, etc)
Is there somewhere you can send your resumé to so that they may look it over? Perhaps your old guidance councellor? There are often job banks or agencies that are there to help you with your CV, interviews skills and to help find a job.
As for being rejected, don't worry, I know someone who looked for a job for a year after getting a bachelor in business admin (from a reputable university). He just kept tryign and trying, sometimes spending 2-3 hours a night looking at job postings, sending out his resume and cover letters, etc. He ended up finding a pretty sweet job and got a raise at the same time.
As for the family situation... well, keep praying, God tests us in many ways, these tests make us better and stronger people in the end. Keep faith, you aren't alone.
I am very sorry about your situation. The only advice I can give is that you better go and talk to the imam in a mosque. Dont be disheartened though. Remember that people before you have had to go through much worse.
Thanks you everyone.
I have just been taking it day by day, still looking and still finding nothing.
Yes, I am the only Muslim in my house. And there's only a handful in my town - maybe like 3 families and I'm having trouble talking to them cos there's none of them among my age an I feel like I'm intruding. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it.
Tania, thank you for the advise but they've been pressuring me to apply for a job they know of. It's at a winery though, so I can't take it!! And they take that as me 'not being serious' and my 'laziness showing, cos I don't want the job'
They can't see it's haram!!
Akhi Akhi Akhi,
AsalamuAlaykum,
If you're in London I can find you a job but tell me what area,
Also breakin' ties is a big NO-NO, you can start saving up, buy a new house near Muslim families, theres nothing wrong with living near Non-Muslims but I just feel you would get more support from Muslim families, the type of support you are currently not recieving from your own family (unfortunately), you can still visit your own family from time to time,
Taking a break from your family may prevent you from getting depressed and allow you to follow Islam when you want to without getting told off,
Thank you everyone.
I'm a student so seeking casual work, or part time at most.
I'm not willing to give my location away, but no it's not in London. I'm in a small town, there aren't very many opportunities here. I travel for my education About three hours a day. Nowhere in the city will hire me cos I live so far out, so I'm looking at local towns. No luck. I also would like to get out of here when my studies finish for the year. (December)
I've only ever worked for the family business - which has my last name in it's name, that isn't a common one at all. So that could be hindering me on my resume.
Thank you everyone.
I'm a student so seeking casual work, or part time at most.
I'm not willing to give my location away, but no it's not in London. I'm in a small town, there aren't very many opportunities here. I travel for my education About three hours a day. Nowhere in the city will hire me cos I live so far out, so I'm looking at local towns. No luck. I also would like to get out of here when my studies finish for the year. (December)
I've only ever worked for the family business - which has my last name in it's name, that isn't a common one at all. So that could be hindering me on my resume.
Oh theres bare part time work, But I can't help you without your location,
But if you want to keep your location private, I totally understand, all the best.
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, It happens to ALL of us at some point, and at this point in your life, its to do with getting a job and making money.Right?
Re: The way I'm treated...
Something like that or where do you think i could find a job. Listen her.When your failure to find a job will be hers too (she will not find a job for you either), then she will not reprove you that. She will blame the society but not you.
The only advice I can give is that you better go and talk to the imam in a mosque. Dont be disheartened though. Remember that people before you have had to go through much worse.
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