Calling out to all brothers and sisters for help please...

**F0z14** · 09-03-2008

Asalaam Alikum my dear brothers and sisters, hope u are all in good health and enjoying Ramazan!

a little about me... ive wrote on this forum before; a post about a ex boyf at uni. thank u every1 4 ur replies. im sorry to be writing another post on this, especially in this blessed month, its just that i am going back 2 uni in a few weeks and im not prepared. im so anxious and worried its really affecting me.

i am worried about how i am going to adjust my life when i go bak, i love being at home and i dnt want 2 go back, alhamdulilah i have started to practise now and i am repenting for all my sins. uni life is different to home life, and i dnt really wanna go but i knw i have 2. i let him affect me for 2 long and i cant let him affect my degree. i mean my family letting me go was a great thing so i need 2 make them proud.

im so scared to see my ex, i still have feelings 4 him, last time i tried to contact him was 2 months ago, i rang 2 apologize and i was crying, and all he said was dont ring me again, and this is the guy that had promised to marry me. everything was horrible when he broke up me, i really lost myself, and i ended up harming myself just to get his attention which i sincerely regret, dont get me wrong i dont want him back, astagfirulla i dont ever want to be in a haraam relationship again, i just dont know how 2 deal with going back, with seeing him and seeing old friends.

the reason he broke up with me was because i had issues, i was abused by my first cousin as a child and my dad was very violent to us all. this made me very insecure and at times i would get really angry and have BAD outburts, with him also. generally i was really good to him, always doing things 2 please him, but he would always do things he knew made me insecure which would lead to a fight. sometimes my behaviour was really bizarre and me and him both couldnt understand why i was like that. in the end after he broke up with me, i couldnt take it so i came home, and i went to see my uncle and his peer, they told me i had something within me, and ive had it for a while. so he gave me a taweez to wear and he prayed over me several times. to be honest i think it was my first cousin who had done something to me, he really messed me up in alot of horrible ways!

alhamdulilah since all this i have started to practise also, and i dont get angry anymre at home, im really calm and relaxed. i told my ex this abt 2/3months ago and he wasnt bothered abt it at all. i think he jus always thought im a liar and attention seeker.

ive never contacted him again, been 2 months now. i told him 2 get back to me and he didnt. i really cared about him so much and i still managed to mess things up, i knw it was my own actions that turned his love to hate. but then i think he cant truly have loved me? its been months now and he hasnt bothered 2 get in touch. hes always talkin 2 our mutual girl mates, which when i hear about breaks my heart because i was his no.1 at one point.

i just dont know how to prepare myself to go back and live there, knowing i might bump into him at anytime, and i dnt knw how to face a few of my male mates which are his close mates, because they think im a psycho/freak. i feel so ashamed when i think abt my behaviour, n i dnt knw how 2 react when i do see him. i mean i knw i hurt him before, but hes hurt me so much, i chased and chased him and he completely rejected me, i hurt myself pyshically so many times just to get his attention, and i knw that is a major sin! i really dnt knw wat 2 do, me and him was really close before, and promised me the world, he really did say he wanted to marry me. but then he used to hang around with so many girls and he knew how insecure it made me because of when my cousin had ****ed abt with me when i was younger, i even rang his sister at his work place to tell her, because i was so angry about his promises but in the end i jus made out like i jus wanted her help. i feel really dirty, like really unpure. i feel like damaged goods. i dnt knw what 2 think, i knw its not his fault, but then is it all mine?? i knw Allah knows everything so only Allah knws the truth, but sometimes i think to myself that if some1 had done black magic against me then how can i be at fault?

sorry 4 dragging on guys, its just u guys are so great with replies and i trully believe u can help me, may Allah bless u all!

**F0z14** · 09-04-2008

and how do i PM other members?

**IB-Staff** · 09-04-2008

and how do i PM other members?

Currently you can only PM the staff. To be able to PM other members, you need to get 50 posts and become a FULL MEMBER.

**F0z14** · 09-04-2008

any advice regarding my post above plz?

**------** · 09-04-2008

Sister it's really good to hear you've become practiscing mashaAllaah, may Allaah be with you every step of the way, Ameen.

About uni, all the advice I can offer is that lower your gaze sis. I know it can be really hard if you still have feelings for him...It sounds like he's really messed about with your feelings, but if you think about it you can use that to get back at him. You can get back at him by becoming closer to your Lord and tasting that pleasure, and believe me that pleasure is unique than anything else. Once he sees that you are not in need of him, and you are happy without him, he will regret messing around with you.

Try and change yourself into what your Lord will be pleased with. If you don't already wear hijaab then start wearing it inshaAllaah. Try and stop any minor sins you do.

Also sis make lots and lots of dua, because dua is one of the two things that can change our destiny. Make dua to be included within the people of paradise, make dua to be excluded from the the people destined to hell, make dua to become closer to your Lord, and inshaAllaah you will taste the sweetness of Imaan...

**F0z14** · 09-04-2008

Thank you Sister, i am alreadyin wearing my hijaab and im so happy mashallah, i have been practicising for 2 months now, and started wearing hijaab beginnin of Ramazan.

Sis do u think he messed me about then? even thou my own behaviour is what led to the spilt. to be honest it doesnt even matter about who was in the wrong, because im glad its over and i am repenting, sis i just dont know how 2 get over him, or how to react when i go back to live at uni, the thought it scares me so much

**------** · 09-04-2008

Your right, it doesn't matter who was in the wrong, as long as repentance is there.

Naturally it will be scary to face him, when your trying to get over him. Just try and avoid him inshaAllaah and lower your gaze, that's all I the advice I can offer. Because the more you look at him, the more your feelings will grow for him.

Getting over him will take time, how much time? That depends on your willpower and how much you lower your gaze. Make lots of dhikr inshaAllaah.

**IbnAbdulHakim** · 09-04-2008

ok im curious about one thing...

say you never had to see him again, and he didnt go to your uni, would you be completely over it and forget everything?

**F0z14** · 09-04-2008

Jhazak Allah Khair Sister xx

**F0z14** · 09-04-2008

definately, it wouldnt bother at all, i would actually prefer it that way brother, but transfer to a different uni is out the question

**IbnAbdulHakim** · 09-04-2008

well then best thing to do is pre-occupy urself, have goals for every minute you spend in Uni and never loiter. Find a place full of muslims where there is no free-mixing and chill there for times when you want to relax.

inshaAllaah

**F0z14** · 09-04-2008

and what about in the evening, he may be living in the same halls as me, and we have many mutual friends

**F0z14** · 09-04-2008

dont get me wrong, i really appreciate ur advice, thank you very much

**IbnAbdulHakim** · 09-04-2008

o u live away from home

that changes everything...

well the most obvious advice is avoid boys or girls who mix too much with boys.

if you cant find good companionship (ie good muslim friends) then its better to stay alone

i know how hard this advice is, upto you what you wanna do with it

**F0z14** · 09-04-2008

see even u see me as living away from home as a problem dont u? :-(

**IbnAbdulHakim** · 09-04-2008

^ yeah i do, i would never allow my sister to live away from home, i'd constantly worry about her.

i hope you manage to make it through this ok inshaAllaah

**Re.TiReD** · 09-04-2008

AssalamuAlaykum Hun,

I'll catch you on MSN sometime Insha'Allah but I just wanna say, you KNOW you have it in you to avoid him and just IGNORE HIM.

I recall you saying somewhere before about the mutual friends thing and not being able to talk to him when they can....sis why would you feel jealusy over summin haram. Know that Allah saved YOU from further hurt and wrongdoing...

You're going to have to be strong for yourself sis, if I could I'd go uni with you on your first day, lol...All the best hun, stay strong.

WassalamuAlaykum

**DaNgErOuS MiNdS** · 09-04-2008

Do you have to go back to uni? how about a gap year? at the moment you've stepped in the right direction you need to keep at it, its obviously working for you just needs more time. University will really make an effect you because of all the history tied to it in my opinion, staying there can be like a life with rules and boundaries. I've seen may people in similar situations as you, just of them haven't realised as you have.

**F0z14** · 09-04-2008

aww thats so sweet sis thank you! lol, i wish u cud. ermm we are both at different unis in the same city which isnt a problem, its just seeing him and every1 else after everything thats happened.

and i dont wanna have 2 take a gap year, cuz then im letting him affect my life, and also my mum and dad wont agree 2 that they wouldnt understand why i wanna have a gap year

**F0z14** · 09-04-2008

hey i just need to let this out my system... im having a horrible day, cant stop crying, my hearts so much. even after 5 months im not over it, i feel so pathetic i really do! i couldnt even pray properly, jus prayed Isha and not travee. i dont know whats wrong with me!!!!