Can I...

**Lonely Gal** · 10-07-2008

pray ishtikhara to see if my husband is cheating or doing unlawful things?

**ayesha309** · 10-13-2008

sis Lonely Gal,
I have two questions. please do not feel offended by them. (you don't have to write down the answer, perhaps just think about them)
1) Before you married him, was there someone else you were interested in, preferred marrying as oppose to him? is your husband your relative?
2) you said in your marriage currently you are doing sins that you dont want to do. Are these sins by any chance chatting with someone (perhaps a guy) who understandns you?

If you know someone who you would've preferred marrying (im not saying being in a relationship with that person), or even if you had a percpetion of a husband, and that perception didn't match ur real husband, it will obviously be hard to adjust. if you are in this trap, then you may need to change the percpetion of your husband.

Anyhow, It seems from reading these posts taht you two have contrasting ideolgoies and beliefs. however from wot i have read, i feel that you have realized you have made mistakes, you have apologized to him, and decided to be a better person to him and to Allah, you've concentrate on your prayers, decided to be patient, and listen to him etc. (Alhamdulillah you're doing that and may Allah continue to help you in all aspects of life) Perhaps it may take a while for you husband to accept the changes that you have brought in the relationship. Sometimes men are just a little stubborn and it takes them a while to accept their wrong and to change. I would advise you, like bro Ushae said, to keep on praying and wait a bit. See if he adjusts or not. Maybe it will take him a while to adjust to the new country, environment, etc.
At the same time, if things don't work out, then living a miserable, lonely life isn't advisable either. May Allah guide you and help you. Ameen
Currently, i think you should continue to wokr really really hard on your part to make the relationship work, and if things still don't work out, then maybe just maybe divroce can be taken as an option.
I pray that Allah helps you and guides you. and please forgive me if i offended you. I had absoltely no intention to
Assalaam u alaikum

**Zahida** · 10-13-2008

Lonely girl. I hope you are O.K. Have just logged in after being at work all day and read all your conversations with Ushae. I think now i can begin to understand your situation more, honey it seems to me that you married this guy for your families sake which is admirable, however for a marraige to be successfull your mind/heart has to be in it. I am sick and tired of this Pakistani style which bears nothing on what our religion teaches us. How many times have i seen this happen, believe me too many. I am 40 and have had many experiencesof such within family, community and yet still our elders will not learn. What happens to the family izzat when the marraige ends? What then? Anyway to cut a long story short, you need to sort this out NOW because it sounds to me your situation is driving you insane.........

I would advise that you go with your heart. I stayed with my husband and am still with him and still going through ****. I hope Allah rewards me for staying and at least trying, it's hard when you get nothing back in return.... but i don't know what tomorrow holds. Also you don't have children so do something whilst you can......... Please forgive me if i have spoken out of turn, and may Allah forgive me if i have given wrong advice. TC.

Originally Posted by Lonely Gal

Thank u for ur kinds words and support and help with all the advice given, May Allah swt reward u and make all your duas come tru.

**dilkadr** · 10-13-2008

Originally Posted by Lonely Gal

pray ishtikhara to see if my husband is cheating or doing unlawful things?

Better don't try this option.

Try some worldly sources like some private eye or something similar.

My answer is based on my instinct.

I believe Istikhara is more appropriate where we do not have any worldly option(s) available to us or need to make a choice between two or more options.

You can check it with other sources and once it is proved then you have to think about next step...

An Allah Knows Best

**Lonely Gal** · 10-14-2008

Ayesha in answer to ur questions, yes there was someone that wanted my hand in marriage but i always told him it wud not happen as I know the way my family works, it always has to be 'in' family. arrgghh! However this has not affected my marriage cos from day 1 i new i was to marry. I kinda drilled it in that thats what was going to happen, so I dint let myself get lost in fairy land abt marrying another bloke.
Also the sins im regardin to are, swearin, being bad tempered, effin and blimin and cursing mainly.
I have decided to try as much as I can and just ask Allah to guide me which ever way is right. I cant take much more of life like this so im gna try my best to do things 'his' way.. im gna try and if its not poss then ill have to take diff action. At the moment I feel I cant talk to my parents so I have no 1 but Allah. I dont like going into detail with my close frends cos I know what Im going to hear and they aint really religious so I wont get the advice I need at the mo, dnt get me wrong my frends are very caring but the moment i start going into detail, word always somehow gets out and the world knows. I feel very alone in this world.
My husband says he wants a child but I cannot bring myself to get in that situation unless im truly happy which I am not at the mo, I cannot risk the chance of destroyin a childs life.. my childs...
parents make me laff, when its other peoples childs that are going tru divorce or seperation etc they call it kismat/naseeb but when it comes to own child its more like, family izzat is gona be broken, omg what are ppl gna say.. blah blah..

I will try to do my best to do right on my behalf, what comes nex is meant to be.. I dont know..

**right path** · 10-14-2008

I truly sympathise with you on this one I am in similar situation as well I know exactly how you feel the only difference is that I don’t suspect him but my life has been turned upside down due to marriage I have been very depressed and reached the lowest of levels I found it very hard to get on with things but mashallah my faith in Allah swt and my prayers have made me much stronger.

I cant advice you on your marriage sister as I am in two minds about mine all I all I can advise to you is that put all your trust in Allah and inshallah you will find peace and tranquity in your heart. Take each day at a time preserve patience as Allah loves those who observe subr and shukr. Imaam Ahmad (d.241H) said, “Allaah has mentioned sabr (patient perseverance) in over ninety places in His Book.” [2]And there occurs in the authentic hadeeth, “Sabr (patient perseverance) is light.” [3] The Prophet (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) also said, “No one has been given anything more excellent and more comprehensive than sabr.” [4]’Umar - radiyallaahu ’anhu – said, “We considered the best part of our lives to be that in which there was sabr.” [5]

Try to do your daily prayers on time try to make effort to wake up for fajar prayers also if you work try to read your prayers and lunch after every obligatory prayer do durud sharif at least 100 times and sincerely devote your self to Allah (swt) and really seek for help make personal duas explain to Allah (swt) all your thoughts and feelings and ask for guidance and repent for any thing that you feel have done wrong and inshallah sister Allah swt will accept your prayers. From my experience I can tell you that praying to Allah swt makes so much difference you can really feel the strength and inshalllah you will realise with time inshallah what you need to do. I have listed some website which may be of help to you they contain some duas which you can recite to help you find tranquity and peace in your heart. Inshallah I will pray for your paths to be made easy and Allah swt to guide you to your destination Ameen.

Assalamualikum

http://makedua.com/display_dua.php?sectionid=34

http://www.islamicacademy.org/html/Dua/Dua.htm

http://www.islaam.com/Article.aspx?id=440

**Lonely Gal** · 10-14-2008

Im sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It so sad and depressin itell ya..
thanks for the links. I pray for u too, that your duas are accepted and life made better for u.
I know patience is everything, just at times it difficult to cope and be brave. When i lose it, fwe mins later i kick myself for doin it. Just hope Allah gives me the strength and abilty to make myself a better person. prayer is a great help and dont think Id be the way i am without it. I try my best to pray 5 times, I really need to focus on the prayer that occurrs whilst I am at work.

**Lonely Gal** · 10-14-2008

I know we dont know each other but if u wish to talk or just someone to listen.. you can pm me

**right path** · 10-14-2008

oh thank you i know exactly what you mean some days are k and sometimes it just gets too much im k when im a wrk but wen im a home thats when i find it the hardest all i can say to you is stay positive and try not to focus on the negative things thats what i try to do than you can see how you really feel about the situation.

**right path** · 10-14-2008

as for prayers do u have prayer room a work luckily my work place has one so I just read my farz prayer at my lunch believe me it helps so much when ever you get free time even when your walking home from wrk recite durood sharif it really does relief from stress

**Ushae** · 10-14-2008

Originally Posted by right path

as for prayers do u have prayer room a work luckily my work place has one so I just read my farz prayer at my lunch believe me it helps so much when ever you get free time even when your walking home from wrk recite durood sharif it really does relief from stress

Right Path I am very sorry you are in the same dilemma as Lonely Gal, it seems this kind of marriage ios far more comon than I originally thought.

Is your relaionship similar to Lonely Gal's, in that she has difficulty communicating and getting along with her husband ? Or is it something different, language, attraction, commitment ?

Inshallah all things will come to you both in good time,
Usman

**Zahida** · 10-14-2008

You know alot of your Muslim sisters are in this dilemma......... Why i don't know is this a test for us sisters or is this ignorace on the Muslim brothers part........... Today i am having a particularly bad day i haven't heard from my husband for 5/6 days............ What advice would you give to a sister whose tears will just not stop flowing??????

:laugh: QUOTE=Ushae;1026274]Right Path I am very sorry you are in the same dilemma as Lonely Gal, it seems this kind of marriage ios far more comon than I originally thought.

Is your relaionship similar to Lonely Gal's, in that she has difficulty communicating and getting along with her husband ? Or is it something different, language, attraction, commitment ?

Inshallah all things will come to you both in good time,
Usman[/QUOTE]

**wth1257** · 10-14-2008

I don't mean to be graphic or inappropiate however if a spouse is cheating that is not just a matter of trust and love, there is also the risk of introducing STD'd into the relationship. If a husband is cheating on you and hideing it he is not just abusing your trust and love, he is also putting your health at risk (if you all are still sexually intimate).

Again, I do not mean to toutch on inappropiate topic but I felt I should bring that up. Please be carefull. Have you all considered counciling? Seeing a psychologist/marriage therapist/ some sort of religious leader who can give you all guidence?

**Zahida** · 10-14-2008

That is ok i am not offended and i have spoken to him about this........... No joy!!!!!!!!!!

The sisters above are younger i am older and been married 16 years , i have a daughter who turns 15 soon..........

My family advsed me to keep subr and patience which i have done........ but now i am losing that..........

It's not just the cheating it's the lies that come with it,..........

I have spoken to his family, mum, sister brother etc............ No joy..... We have spoken to him........ Can't physically change him[..........

Counselling?????????? He told his family i am mad it's all in my imagination......... until i showed them his phone bills etc etc...........

I am not mad because everytime i pray salaat i ask Allah to keep me strong Ameen. I keep myself sane by telling myself that he is committing a sin and has not fullfilled his duties to me as his wife in Allahs' command.... That keeps me standing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

QUOTE=wth1257;1026286]I don't mean to be graphic or inappropiate however if a spouse is cheating that is not just a matter of trust and love, there is also the risk of introducing STD'd into the relationship. If a husband is cheating on you and hideing it he is not just abusing your trust and love, he is also putting your health at risk (if you all are still sexually intimate).

Again, I do not mean to toutch on inappropiate topic but I felt I should bring that up. Please be carefull. Have you all considered counciling? Seeing a psychologist/marriage therapist/ some sort of religious leader who can give you all guidence?[/QUOTE]

**Zahida** · 10-14-2008

I just pray Allah rewards me for staying with this person whom he joined me to in Nikah...................

Originally Posted by Zahida

That is ok i am not offended and i have spoken to him about this........... No joy!!!!!!!!!!

The sisters above are younger i am older and been married 16 years , i have a daughter who turns 15 soon..........

My family advsed me to keep subr and patience which i have done........ but now i am losing that..........

It's not just the cheating it's the lies that come with it,..........

I have spoken to his family, mum, sister brother etc............ No joy..... We have spoken to him........ Can't physically change him[..........

Counselling?????????? He told his family i am mad it's all in my imagination......... until i showed them his phone bills etc etc...........

I am not mad because everytime i pray salaat i ask Allah to keep me strong Ameen. I keep myself sane by telling myself that he is committing a sin and has not fullfilled his duties to me as his wife in Allahs' command.... That keeps me standing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

QUOTE=wth1257;1026286]I don't mean to be graphic or inappropiate however if a spouse is cheating that is not just a matter of trust and love, there is also the risk of introducing STD'd into the relationship. If a husband is cheating on you and hideing it he is not just abusing your trust and love, he is also putting your health at risk (if you all are still sexually intimate).

Again, I do not mean to toutch on inappropiate topic but I felt I should bring that up. Please be carefull. Have you all considered counciling? Seeing a psychologist/marriage therapist/ some sort of religious leader who can give you all guidence?

[/QUOTE]

**Zahida** · 10-14-2008

I am sorry today i am having a particularly difficult day......... Please forgive me. Thankyou.

Originally Posted by Zahida

I just pray Allah rewards me for staying with this person whom he joined me to in Nikah...................

[/QUOTE]

**Ushae** · 10-14-2008

Originally Posted by Zahida

I am sorry today i am having a particularly difficult day......... Please forgive me. Thankyou.

[/QUOTE]

Not sure what to say here. It seems you've been through a lot..

I was thinking of something today, thought I should share it with all the sisters/brothers here, maybe it will give them insight into their predicaments.

This is true..I did not believe in Allah as of six years ago, or rather I refused to pray to him. I'm a Pakistani, British born muslim. Thankfully I have a loyal family (despite all the silly politics that come with the package lol). I've never really hung around the kind of crowd that does drugs etc have very poor manners outside of their house (I'm sure you all know what type I'm talking about here). I'm very well educated, upto Masters level and have very recently started work as a Biomedical Scientist. Despite all this background, in the last few years I always blamed Allah for the bad things that have happened to me in my life, such as getting bullied severely in school, being lonely, rough childhood father had two wives, was tough on my mother (the usual stuff lol) etc. blah blah

I always had very little confidence in myself. Didn't know what to do with my life (despite how decent my background was) I thought life simply wasn't worth living. Then my uncle passed away and I was forced into marrying his daughter.

This same woman cheated on me more than a few times both before and after I married her. So why is my faith stronger than it ever was now, and at the worst possible moment lol ? I'll tell you. I realised this ramadan, that Allah has always been watching me and waiting for my prayers. I simply did not ask him for it. He was and is always waiting to show me his mercy and guidance. This will never change. It was a matter of time.

My point is that if you stay true to his guidance and keep yourself patient and reserved good things can come of any situation. Sometimes the person you dislike or even hate can become somebody you love more than anything else, it's simply a matter of patience and presence. Show him how special you are, and how loyal you. If he is a good muclim he will realise how lucky he really is. I've seen this scenario so many times where the husband realises after an entire lifetime how fortunate he really was.

You are all good, honest and patient people. I can tell this without having even met any of you. I know Allah will reward you soon. If Allah can wait an eternity for you, why can't you do the same for him ? =) There is no good deed or sin that goes unrewarded or punished..
Fee Iman Allah!
Usman

**- Qatada -** · 10-14-2008

this might be somewhat useful insha Allah;

http://www.islamicboard.com/741314-post126.html

http://www.islamicboard.com/health-s...rt-broken.html

we will pray for you and Allah will give you success;

And for those who fear Allah, He (ever) prepares a way out,

And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion.

[Qur'an Surah Talaq 65: 2-3]

**Ushae** · 10-14-2008

Ultimately what I am trying to say here. Allah can do absolutely anything from creating entire worlds and races to changing the destiny, thoughts and feelings of thousands of people. Do not ever lose faith in him, as he always watches over you no matter what sin you commit.

=)
You are all in my Dua's
Good night
Usman

**Zahida** · 10-14-2008

As i said iam having a very bad day crying just won't stop........ just prayed Maghrib and still won't stop........... You know brother your turn came after six years and InshAllah my turn will come soon too........... All i have ever done is try to make a home family comfortable life with my husband and all he has done has thrown it back in my face. Not sure what to say here. It seems you've been through a lot..

I was thinking of something today, thought I should share it with all the sisters/brothers here, maybe it will give them insight into their predicaments.

This is true..I did not believe in Allah as of six years ago, or rather I refused to pray to him. I'm a Pakistani, British born muslim. Thankfully I have a loyal family (despite all the silly politics that come with the package lol). I've never really hung around the kind of crowd that does drugs etc have very poor manners outside of their house (I'm sure you all know what type I'm talking about here). I'm very well educated, upto Masters level and have very recently started work as a Biomedical Scientist. Despite all this background, in the last few years I always blamed Allah for the bad things that have happened to me in my life, such as getting bullied severely in school, being lonely, rough childhood father had two wives, was tough on my mother (the usual stuff lol) etc. blah blah

I always had very little confidence in myself. Didn't know what to do with my life (despite how decent my background was) I thought life simply wasn't worth living. Then my uncle passed away and I was forced into marrying his daughter.

This same woman cheated on me more than a few times both before and after I married her. So why is my faith stronger than it ever was now, and at the worst possible moment lol ? I'll tell you. I realised this ramadan, that Allah has always been watching me and waiting for my prayers. I simply did not ask him for it. He was and is always waiting to show me his mercy and guidance. This will never change. It was a matter of time.

My point is that if you stay true to his guidance and keep yourself patient and reserved good things can come of any situation. Sometimes the person you dislike or even hate can become somebody you love more than anything else, it's simply a matter of patience and presence. Show him how special you are, and how loyal you. If he is a good muclim he will realise how lucky he really is. I've seen this scenario so many times where the husband realises after an entire lifetime how fortunate he really was.

You are all good, honest and patient people. I can tell this without having even met any of you. I know Allah will reward you soon. If Allah can wait an eternity for you, why can't you do the same for him ? =) There is no good deed or sin that goes unrewarded or punished..
Fee Iman Allah!
Usman[/QUOTE]

**Zahida** · 10-14-2008

My point is that if you stay true to his guidance and keep yourself patient and reserved good things can come of any situation. Sometimes the person you dislike or even hate can become somebody you love more than anything else, it's simply a matter of patience and presence. Show him how special you are, and how loyal you. If he is a good muclim he will realise how lucky he really is. I've seen this scenario so many times where the husband realises after an entire lifetime how fortunate he really was.I did love him and still do this is why i am still with him, like yourself i am British Pakistani born, well educated and not gorgeous but of morals and background........... He is from Pakistan, but probably more western than myself..........I am just waiting for this scenario to happen for me, where he will realise he has wasted his time, gained nothing when he had a loyal wife waiting for him at home..................