Married Virgin

Your situation reminds me of a sinister hollywood movie i had seen when I was doing much good and pretty good evil. The protagonist was scared of sex and ultimately his wife brings him out of it. Listen, its beautiful to see that you two love each other so much, Mashallah, may Allah bless both of you and this marriage. But sis, seriously, stop hoping and complaining and start doing something about it. I understand that you're a girl and you're very shy about all this but come on a person gives up all his/her shyness in front of only his/her spouse. As partners, you ought to know each other completely and sometimes to save relationships you have to do something which you've never done before. Sometimes its against your happiness but here its "for" your happiness. He might be shy but if it goes on then who knows you might fall into a bigger problem and consequences might be full of regrets. As you are with your mom now so when you go back to your husband, take him in your arms and tell him how much you missed him. I wonder what words to use to maintain the dignity here.

Hug him, kiss him and increase the intimacy from your side. To put it straight, you'll literally have to seduce him and YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE. All these fears stay only till the first attempt. When a phobic faces his phobia, he gets rid of it. For the sake of at least negating the evil eye, give up that shyness for once and show him the beauty of this natural act which was further beautified by the following Hadeeth.

It was narrated from Abu Dharr that some people from among the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “O Messenger of Allaah, the rich people will get more reward. They pray as we pray, and they fast as we fast, but they give in charity from their excess wealth.” He said, “Has not Allaah given you things with which you can give charity? Every tasbeehah (saying ‘Subhaan Allaah (Glory be to Allaah)’) is a charity. Every Takbeerah (saying ‘Allaahu akbar (Allaah is Most Great)’) is a charity. Every Tahmeedah (saying ‘al-hamdu-Lillaah (praise be to Allaah)’ is a charity. Every Tahleelah (saying ‘Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah (there is no god but Allaah)’) is a charity. Enjoining what is good is a charity. Forbidding what is evil is a charity. Having intercourse (with one’s wife) is a charity.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, if one of us fulfils his desire, is there reward in that?” He said, “Do you not see that if he does it in a haraam way he will have the burden of sin? So if he does it in a halaal way, he will have a reward for that.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1674)

I need to admit this:

I have been thinking I finally realise that it was me who was the biggest obstacle all along. Glo's post made me realise this. At the very early stages in our marriage I have always been scared of the 'deed' itself. I wouldn't mind kissing/touching but when I could tell that he was getting excited I would get scared. Believe me I know he has feelings, I have felt them.

I have brought this upon us, I am the one to blame. I made it quite clear to my husband that I am scared. He was being patient all this time, waiting for me to relax. And just when I started wanting it, I had no guts to show it. I am madly attracted to him and do want him.

I remember when we first got married, When i was on my period he wanted me but I told him 'I have my period' when i said that I felt relief, happiness. He still wanted to play around with me, but I remember being pathetically shy 'making stupid excuses. I even been wearing my hijab for the first two weeks we were together. I didn't want him to see my hair it's rediculous i know. Imagine how I felt when he wanted to undress me.

Months into our marriage i have even suggested he gets a second wife (because I knew deep down that I was the reason we didn't do it). He was quite angry when I said that.

I have been the root cause for all this. I realise it now...May Allah show me mercy. amee n.

Selam aleykum
I'm not a psychologist, and I don't know your husband, but if indeed your suspicion about him being abused as a child is true, then he could feel guilty about being abused. I know that doesn't appear to make sense, as there obviously is no guilt in being a victim. Yet it is a very common feeling among people who have suffered this. The tricky part is, that usually they don't realise this. Once they realise that they feel guilty about it, they understand how backwards the feeling is. But as long as the feeling remains dormant, they are unaware of even having this feeling, so as far as they know, the "being abused" part isn't even an issue.

This dormant guilt could very well be the reason why he also feels guilt when approaching you, and you don't respond and freeze up. He is projecting his dormant feelings about his past abuse onto you. and assuming you feel the same.

Again, I'm not a psychologist, and I could be way off, this is just how the puzzle seems to fit based on the little information you told us. If the subject of abuse ever comes up in conversation, make sure to stress that it is not his fault.

May Allah subhana wa ta'ala make it easy for you and bless and reward you for your patience with each other. It is truly a remarkable thing.

Sis, whether or not you can live the rest of your life in this situation is another story, but at least you have to know the truth. Cuz, living with the truth is far easier than living with questions for the rest of your life. I don't think you want to spend years wondering why. And when you mature, you will see things in a different light. What if having kids becomes so important to you that it overrides your love for him. Trust me, we change as we get older. Our priorities change in ways you can never imagine.

Obviosuly, your husband didn't give you the truth in four years, so you need to find out for yourself. And the fact that he asks you why you are afraid etc etc doesnt mean that he is willing and you are not. Men are so clever. It could be just a cover up. But it's up to you to find out. It's one thing living like thta with a mutual decision but totally another if you are forced to live with it. Under normal circumstances, no normal man will not attempt to consumate his marriage in four years. You have to be brave to find out for for once and for all what is going on exactly.

You should confront your husband in a casual but firm manner. Ask him why things are the way they are. If he fobs you off, then put your shame/shyness aside and encourage him physically. You will get your answer, or at least a part of it by his response.

If a husband of mine told me he had some problem, and provided it was incurable I'd happily accept it and love him regardless. But if he jus shut his mouth and expected me to live like a nun, I'd kick him where it hurts. It's just not done. Just do it sis. Be brave and make him face it. Then if he needs help, help him get it. But don't sacrifice your desires for a man who doesn't realise what he is putting his wife through.

if you know your husband and know that he isn't going to harm you in any way, then just go with the flow.

This is a very strange situation and in fact, a very bad and evil situation as well. If intercourse without marriage is a sin then marriage without intercourse is sin in its own way. And its strange to see that you earlier blamed your husband and picturised him as a complete weirdo and then you later take the blame on yourself and you guys have been married for four years. By this time, most couples expect their second child and you guys are literally making fun of each other and also the freedom given by Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala). You say that your husband doesn't wanna hurt you and scare you and so he doesn't do it. Thats an absolute mess. Alright. A similar situation happened with Rasoolullah and the first verse of Surah Tahreem (Surah 66) was revealed on that occassion. Here's Abdullah Yusuf Ali's translation and commentary on that verse :

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ لِمَ تُحَرِّمُ مَا أَحَلَّ اللَّهُ لَكَ ...

1. O Prophet! why holdest thou to be forbidden that which Allah has made lawful to thee?

C5529. The Prophet's household was not like other households. The Consorts of Purity were expected to hold a higher standard in behaviour and reticence than ordinary women, as they had higher work to perform. See n. 3706 to 33:28.

But they were human beings after all, and were subject to the weaknesses of their sex, and they sometimes failed. The commentators usually cite the following incident in connection with the revelation of these verses.

It is narrated from 'Aisha, the wife of the holy Prophet (peace be on him) by Bukhari, Muslim, Nasai. Abu Dawud and others that the holy Prophet usually visited all his wives daily after 'Asr Prayer. Once it so happened that he stayed longer than usual at the quarters of Zaynab bint Jahsh, for she had received from somewhere some honey which the holy Prophet liked very much. "At this", says 'Aisha, "I felt jealous, and Hafsa, Sawda, Safiya, and I agreed among ourselves that when he visits us each of us would tell him that a peculiar odour came from his mouth as a result of what he had eaten, for we knew that he was particularly sensitive to offensive smells".

So when his wives hinted at it, he vowed that he would never again use honey. Thereupon these verses were revealed reminding him that he should not declare to himself unlawful that which Allah had made lawful to him.

The important point to bear in mind is that he was at once rectified by revelation, which reinforces the fact that the prophets are always under divine protection, and even the slightest lapse on their part is never left uncorrected. (R).

... تَبْتَغِي مَرْضَاتَ أَزْوَاجِكَ ...

Thou seekest to please thy consorts.

C5530. The tender words of admonition addressed to the Consorts in 33:28-34 explain the situation far better than any comments can express. If the holy Prophet had been a mere husband in the ordinary sense of the term, he could not have held the balance even between his private feelings and his public duties. But he was not an ordinary husband, and he abandoned his renunciation on his realisation of the higher duties with which he was charged, and which required conciliation with firmness.

... وَاللَّهُ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ ﴿١﴾

But Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful

See, Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala) immediately reprimanded Rasoolullah when he forbade something just to please his wife. Is your husband doing any different? The answer is no and he (or both of you) is going against the Qur'an just because you too are "shy":blind:. Wake up.

Rasoolullah curse is on some people who do wrong and one of those people is a disobedient wife. Rasoolullah once said

"Allah curses a woman who sleeps the night while her husband is angry with her.”

The curse is on the wife who sleeps without satisfying the sexual desires of her husband.

Its good to see that you two are very pious and religious but right here you guys are committing major evil.

What I strongly recommend to you is that you show this thread to your husband or at least this post. The verse of Surah Tahreem is enough to make you understand that holding something which is halaal as haraam is against the Qur'an. A brother earlier in this thread already quoted the hadeeth of intercourse being an act of sadaqa.

Alee (radhiAllaahu 'anhu) reports that the Messenger (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said:

'There is no obedience to anyone in disobedience to Allah, verily obedience is in that which is correct .'

Collected by al-Bukhaaree,Muslim and an-Nasaa'ee 'as- Saheehah of al-Albaanee no.181

I hope you guys give up this evil haya for the sake of Allah and start increasing the numbers of this Ummah.

Moreover, you guys are stealing each other's rights of intimacy to each other. Just think, if its because of your hesitation that he's scared then sister we are living in a kingdom of trials. The world is fully loaded with fitnah and what if, someday he finds someone who won't have any hesitation, Allah forbid, or what if, you get involved with someone who won't care about your hesitation and just do it, Allah forbid.

Being a guy, I can honestly tell you that guys like it when the girl makes the first move, not just in this area but all. Like if there's fight then the man would really like it if the wife turns to reconciliation before him.

It is possible that its the evil eye or sihr but are you just gonna stay its victim all your life. God helps those who hep themselves.

I'd be very upfront here, when you return to your husband's home, physically express to him, how much you missed him not just during your stay at your Mom's place but in the last four years.

Sister, the next post I'd like to see from you is the one in which you'll be giving us (your brothers and sisters on LI) the good news of us becoming Uncles and Aunts . I'll make dua for you InshAllah.

hmm, I'm reminded of an article I read a while ago, about this sister who remained a virgin for 10 years, and when they finally decided to do the thingy she had to do a minor operation since her her body was not ready after so long.

sister, you probably need to make the first move, don't rush it but wait for too long and this will cause major problems, go to a counselor if you can't work it out yourselves.

it's a very simple thing, as in letting things take their course, you maybe need to give a little push, otherwise he's your man and you're his wife, so it doesn't take much thought or over deliberation, matters of the flesh are not separate from matters of mind, but inserting one into the other is not constructive.

not to mention, this is one of your rights as wife, and this sort of self imposed celibacy between husband and wife is clearly forbidden in the first place.

went back and read the replies, this is a fairly good and natural one:

format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender

Your situation reminds me of a sinister Hollywood movie i had seen when I was doing much good and pretty good evil. The protagonist was scared of sex and ultimately his wife brings him out of it. Listen, its beautiful to see that you two love each other so much, Mashallah, may Allah bless both of you and this marriage. But sis, seriously, stop hoping and complaining and start doing something about it. I understand that you're a girl and you're very shy about all this but come on a person gives up all his/her shyness in front of only his/her spouse. As partners, you ought to know each other completely and sometimes to save relationships you have to do something which you've never done before. Sometimes its against your happiness but here its "for" your happiness. He might be shy but if it goes on then who knows you might fall into a bigger problem and consequences might be full of regrets. As you are with your mom now so when you go back to your husband, take him in your arms and tell him how much you missed him. I wonder what words to use to maintain the dignity here.

Hug him, kiss him and increase the intimacy from your side. To put it straight, you'll literally have to seduce him and YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE. All these fears stay only till the first attempt. When a phobic faces his phobia, he gets rid of it. For the sake of at least negating the evil eye, give up that shyness for once and show him the beauty of this natural act which was further beautified by the following Hadeeth.

It was narrated from Abu Dharr that some people from among the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “O Messenger of Allaah, the rich people will get more reward. They pray as we pray, and they fast as we fast, but they give in charity from their excess wealth.” He said, “Has not Allaah given you things with which you can give charity? Every tasbeehah (saying ‘Subhaan Allaah (Glory be to Allaah)’) is a charity. Every Takbeerah (saying ‘Allaahu Akbar (Allaah is Most Great)’) is a charity. Every Tahmeedah (saying ‘al-hamdu-Lillaah (praise be to Allaah)’ is a charity. Every Tahleelah (saying ‘Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah (there is no god but Allaah)’) is a charity. Enjoining what is good is a charity. Forbidding what is evil is a charity. Having intercourse (with one’s wife) is a charity.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, if one of us fulfills his desire, is there reward in that?” He said, “Do you not see that if he does it in a haraam way he will have the burden of sin? So if he does it in a halal way, he will have a reward for that.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1674)

reps

NB: it seems that your relationship is one that's very much anchored in 'feelings', also that probably both of you are quite unprepared for such an act, I'd advise going slowly but firmly about this, what should be an act that strengthens a couple's bond, and fulfill their needs should never turn into a stumbling block, you can do it , just stop procrastinating :/

sorry if anything offends/comes off as wrong, bestest of luck.

If ever you are asked of the meaning of true love sister, all you need reply is I have found it and my story is proof that it exists. May Allah bless you both with children and reward you both for your patience and gentle care of each other. If it acceptable for me to offer any advice then I would say relax, make it special and take control. If only all of us could experience such a beautifull relationship as yours the world would be in utter peace. May Allah bless your marriage, Ameen

Selam aleykum
To all those who post advice anonymous,
Why do you feel the need to post anonymous, is it perhaps because you fear that people will dislike you based on what you said? Perhaps you should consider this urge to post advice anonymously as a sign that your advice isn't really that good, since you don't want the post to be associated with your name?

The sister came here for advice with a difficult and complex situation, not to hear the anonymous judgement of some people who don't appear to grasp the difficulty of the situation.

Selam aleykum
Alpha dude, I was mostly refreing to the posts under "anounymousgender", not the post of "anonymous LI oldschool"