Bismilahi
This is not easy for me. But I know that I can’t keep this secret hidden forever. I am 20 years old and I am married. When I was 16 I fell in love with an amazing Muslim man and we married each other. When I married him, I was so happy. Nothing on earth, could bring me down, with him I had wings. , He would always make me smile, and he was everything a Muslim should be. I know that no one can match up to rasululah (saw) but to me he was so close in character. We were so attracted to one another; he has beauty, an amazing mind, even wealth. He would practice his Islam to the fullest, never compromised his deen for anything. I would always dream of a man like this before I met him. When I finally met him it was like Allah took him out of my dreams and placed him in my reality. In the Muslim community women would envy me (young & old. Asking me, “how did you find a man like this”? I would just say Alhamdulilah.
I know that all the good I have in my life came from Allah alone, and all credit is due to Allah. When we first got married we lived together for only 2 weeks, after that due to some immigration issues he had to leave the country. But he was to return once things get sorted. During those 2 weeks, one week of it I had my period. So we couldn’t have been intimate fully. The week after when my period finished, nothing happened. Me being a young virgin I wasn’t really thinking of intercourse too much. If anything it was not really on my mind, mainly just freaking out about it. Was kind of happy that he didn’t approach me as soon as my period finished. I knew that it was going to happen, just be looking forward to it too much. I thought when it happens it will happen InshaAllah. While he was gone we always had contact, we were looking forward to the time we could be together again. We loved each other so much and were sad that we couldn’t be together as much as we would have liked.
At the same time we stayed patient and kept making allot of dua that Allah allows us to be together soon as husband and wife and to never ever be separated again. Well he would return again, this time he stayed 3 months. I was so happy when he returned, my husband whom I have only known as my husband through marriage for 2 weeks. I was over the moon and so was he.
During his stay, my love for him increased, we were being very affectionate except there was no intercourse. One night he mentioned that whenever he got too close I would freak out, and he would see fear in my eyes. That he didn’t want to hurt me and would wait until I got more comfortable. I thought that was sweet. A month passed and I am still a virgin. I started to actually think about it, but would never try to show it because of how shy I was. He asked me once, why I freak out? I didn’t know how to answer that. I asked him, have I ever stopped you? He said, no. I thought that would get him to think and show him that I of course want to be intimate with my husband regardless of how much I freak out. I thought, what Girl doesn’t freak out? If men all thought, oh my wife looks scared im not going to touch her, everyone would be virgin? One night he asked me, “why I don’t try to touch him”? I didn’t know how to answer it.
I have never been with a man before how was I suppose to know? He would tell me how it’s a sign that I don’t feel close to him. That he doesn’t
want to rape his own wife. Why don’t I act like I want it? I was so
confused, and started to think that there is something wrong with me. Later he confirmed to me that he’s also very shy and he’s a virgin too. I knew that he was a Virgin, so I began to think maybe he’s also freaking out InshaAllah we will get through this. My sisters would get married and all get pregnant, and I am still a virgin. My mother would ask me, “Are you taking the pill”? By the time my mother asked me this I was already married for a complete year and have lived with him that long too. I just said, yes. I had turned 17 then.
My mother gave me an earful of how bad the pill is for me, how I should stop taking it and that children are a blessing from Allah. I lied to protect his honor. I didn’t want anyone to think that he’s failing as a Man. Well, another year passed, still we’re virgins. When I turned 18, that night he began to kiss me, and he got close to being very intimate with me, then he stopped. He began to cry in my lap, asking me to forgive him. I told him that there is nothing to forgive. He said, I worry that I will lose you. There is no woman on this earth more beautiful then you, here we are I have you all to myself, and and. He didn’t finish it. I didn’t make him finish it. I just told him to sleep and that I wasn’t mad at him.
The next day, when we were sitting together, I asked him something. He uses to be catholic, although my knowledge was and still is limited in that area, but I use to hear how priests rape the boys in the church. When we met, he did tell me that he use to go to church as a young boy. So that day, I asked him about the time he use to go to church. Were you ever molested as a child, I asked him? He wouldn’t look at me, but he just gave me body language that says, sort of no. I didn’t ask again. I continued cooking, cleaning, doing my wifely duties. My parents visit us and keep asking me why I am not pregnant yet; I have now been married for 4 years. My father occasionally will take me aside, and say things like this to me “don’t worry children are a blessing from Allah, I know that it must have been hard trying for 4 years”. I have always loved my husband; he’s my friend and a very Allah fearing Mu’min. I don’t know how this all happened. I know that he never harmed me; he was always good to me. And although we never had sex, we had so much fun. All these years I have never looked at other men. No living being knows of this life I am living. I have always felt like it would be a betrayal to leave him just because he didn’t do it with me? My parents absolutely adore him and even call him their favourite son in law. I dont know what to do. I know that I have lived such a beautiful life.
He treats me like I am a princess, he’s so sweet and kind. I don't think that I will ever stop loving him. My mother wants me to get checked and find out why I cant have children. She sees how happy I am with my husband, she once told me in my Dads presence “If me and your father die, We know that we have given you to the best man on this earth”. I dont know what to do.
I am starting to imagine what a life would be with kids? To be a real wife who experiences every aspect of marriage life? Or will I die as a Virgin? I always get a lot of attention from men, even when we eat out together at restaurants. Whenever men in our Community see me they wonder if I am available for marriage? That's because of my age & my looks "ive been told" and most assume at first hand that I am single. When I have to say I am married, it feels a bit wrong. It’s only at times like that I am reminded of the fact that I am really not married. recently started to cry in my sleep, wondering what I did wrong? I have never hurt people, I have always been the one who everyone came to when they needed anything. Now I am living this life. My husband keeps telling me, that he can’t believe it that I am still married to him. I am now visiting my Family, I’ve been looking at some links and came across this forum while my lil sister was reading here. I have to tell her one day soon...I think she will be so shocked omg, She looks up to me, and looks at me and sees me smile. She has seen so many marriages fall apart, she told me I give her hope. That she wants to have a marriage like mine. I am sorry for the long post.
If I tell my parents they will make sure that I get divorced I know it in my heart. I need your advice ya muslimeen. I see commercials, talks of intimacy. I can't lie I wonder what thats like. But I am now beginning to accept that it might not happen with my husband, after 4 years of waiting now I think it might never happen. That breaks my heart, but I don't have any control over it...Iwill stop writing, I don't want anyone to come in and see my tears. Pls make dua for me. I don't want to break a heart so beautiful, a heart that would die for me.
has told us many invocations to read, in order to protect ourselves and our families from the harm caused by it. Such as al-mu’awwizaat (Chapters 112, 113, 114 in Qur’aan), Ayaat al Kursi etc. I don’t know if u read them already, but if u don’t, I would strongly advise that you start to.
People desire kids and if they cant get kids, then whats the next best option?
xxxx
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