This is not easy for me. But I know that I can’t keep this secret hidden forever. I am 20 years old and I am married. When I was 16 I fell in love with an amazing Muslim man and we married each other. When I married him, I was so happy. Nothing on earth, could bring me down, with him I had wings. , He would always make me smile, and he was everything a Muslim should be. I know that no one can match up to rasululah (saw) but to me he was so close in character. We were so attracted to one another; he has beauty, an amazing mind, even wealth. He would practice his Islam to the fullest, never compromised his deen for anything. I would always dream of a man like this before I met him. When I finally met him it was like Allah took him out of my dreams and placed him in my reality. In the Muslim community women would envy me (young & old. Asking me, “how did you find a man like this”? I would just say Alhamdulilah.
I know that all the good I have in my life came from Allah alone, and all credit is due to Allah. When we first got married we lived together for only 2 weeks, after that due to some immigration issues he had to leave the country. But he was to return once things get sorted. During those 2 weeks, one week of it I had my period. So we couldn’t have been intimate fully. The week after when my period finished, nothing happened. Me being a young virgin I wasn’t really thinking of intercourse too much. If anything it was not really on my mind, mainly just freaking out about it. Was kind of happy that he didn’t approach me as soon as my period finished. I knew that it was going to happen, just be looking forward to it too much. I thought when it happens it will happen InshaAllah. While he was gone we always had contact, we were looking forward to the time we could be together again. We loved each other so much and were sad that we couldn’t be together as much as we would have liked.
At the same time we stayed patient and kept making allot of dua that Allah allows us to be together soon as husband and wife and to never ever be separated again. Well he would return again, this time he stayed 3 months. I was so happy when he returned, my husband whom I have only known as my husband through marriage for 2 weeks. I was over the moon and so was he.
During his stay, my love for him increased, we were being very affectionate except there was no intercourse. One night he mentioned that whenever he got too close I would freak out, and he would see fear in my eyes. That he didn’t want to hurt me and would wait until I got more comfortable. I thought that was sweet. A month passed and I am still a virgin. I started to actually think about it, but would never try to show it because of how shy I was. He asked me once, why I freak out? I didn’t know how to answer that. I asked him, have I ever stopped you? He said, no. I thought that would get him to think and show him that I of course want to be intimate with my husband regardless of how much I freak out. I thought, what Girl doesn’t freak out? If men all thought, oh my wife looks scared im not going to touch her, everyone would be virgin? One night he asked me, “why I don’t try to touch him”? I didn’t know how to answer it.
I have never been with a man before how was I suppose to know? He would tell me how it’s a sign that I don’t feel close to him. That he doesn’t
want to rape his own wife. Why don’t I act like I want it? I was so
confused, and started to think that there is something wrong with me. Later he confirmed to me that he’s also very shy and he’s a virgin too. I knew that he was a Virgin, so I began to think maybe he’s also freaking out InshaAllah we will get through this. My sisters would get married and all get pregnant, and I am still a virgin. My mother would ask me, “Are you taking the pill”? By the time my mother asked me this I was already married for a complete year and have lived with him that long too. I just said, yes. I had turned 17 then.
My mother gave me an earful of how bad the pill is for me, how I should stop taking it and that children are a blessing from Allah. I lied to protect his honor. I didn’t want anyone to think that he’s failing as a Man. Well, another year passed, still we’re virgins. When I turned 18, that night he began to kiss me, and he got close to being very intimate with me, then he stopped. He began to cry in my lap, asking me to forgive him. I told him that there is nothing to forgive. He said, I worry that I will lose you. There is no woman on this earth more beautiful then you, here we are I have you all to myself, and and. He didn’t finish it. I didn’t make him finish it. I just told him to sleep and that I wasn’t mad at him.
The next day, when we were sitting together, I asked him something. He uses to be catholic, although my knowledge was and still is limited in that area, but I use to hear how priests rape the boys in the church. When we met, he did tell me that he use to go to church as a young boy. So that day, I asked him about the time he use to go to church. Were you ever molested as a child, I asked him? He wouldn’t look at me, but he just gave me body language that says, sort of no. I didn’t ask again. I continued cooking, cleaning, doing my wifely duties. My parents visit us and keep asking me why I am not pregnant yet; I have now been married for 4 years. My father occasionally will take me aside, and say things like this to me “don’t worry children are a blessing from Allah, I know that it must have been hard trying for 4 years”. I have always loved my husband; he’s my friend and a very Allah fearing Mu’min. I don’t know how this all happened. I know that he never harmed me; he was always good to me. And although we never had sex, we had so much fun. All these years I have never looked at other men. No living being knows of this life I am living. I have always felt like it would be a betrayal to leave him just because he didn’t do it with me? My parents absolutely adore him and even call him their favourite son in law. I dont know what to do. I know that I have lived such a beautiful life.
He treats me like I am a princess, he’s so sweet and kind. I don't think that I will ever stop loving him. My mother wants me to get checked and find out why I cant have children. She sees how happy I am with my husband, she once told me in my Dads presence “If me and your father die, We know that we have given you to the best man on this earth”. I dont know what to do.
I am starting to imagine what a life would be with kids? To be a real wife who experiences every aspect of marriage life? Or will I die as a Virgin? I always get a lot of attention from men, even when we eat out together at restaurants. Whenever men in our Community see me they wonder if I am available for marriage? That's because of my age & my looks "ive been told" and most assume at first hand that I am single. When I have to say I am married, it feels a bit wrong. It’s only at times like that I am reminded of the fact that I am really not married. recently started to cry in my sleep, wondering what I did wrong? I have never hurt people, I have always been the one who everyone came to when they needed anything. Now I am living this life. My husband keeps telling me, that he can’t believe it that I am still married to him. I am now visiting my Family, I’ve been looking at some links and came across this forum while my lil sister was reading here. I have to tell her one day soon...I think she will be so shocked omg, She looks up to me, and looks at me and sees me smile. She has seen so many marriages fall apart, she told me I give her hope. That she wants to have a marriage like mine. I am sorry for the long post.
If I tell my parents they will make sure that I get divorced I know it in my heart. I need your advice ya muslimeen. I see commercials, talks of intimacy. I can't lie I wonder what thats like. But I am now beginning to accept that it might not happen with my husband, after 4 years of waiting now I think it might never happen. That breaks my heart, but I don't have any control over it...Iwill stop writing, I don't want anyone to come in and see my tears. Pls make dua for me. I don't want to break a heart so beautiful, a heart that would die for me.
Definitely could be a medical issue, firstly talk to your husband about it, the first step in solving the problem is to admit there's a problem. How can you solve a problem that doesn't exist. So talk to him about it openly and tell him what the problem is and then from there you can go to the solutions.
first solution for me would be the doctor to see if there's some kind of medial reason that could be fixed with drugs. For example low testosterone and libido levels are both causes for men not wanting to engage in intamacy with the opposite gender.
both can be fixed with medication, so just go get him checked out by the doctor your not the only couple to have this problem many people have this problem of a non sexual marriage, so there's many medications out on the market to deal with it. Just get him to your doctor and tell him the situation, then he can check your husband to see if he's low on anything.
if he is, the doc can top him up low/no sex drive, is common with many people so the doctor will know what to do.
Last edited by Salahudeen; 08-14-2009 at 02:22 AM.
you all adviced me when i needed it i think its only fair I tell you of any updates. I am now divorced.... my husband surprised me in morroco to tell me that he wants to set me free because he loves me too much.
I am out for words my worlds completely shattered. He wants me to have a normal life and told me its time i started living my life. He said that he inflicted me with enough hardship. That he no longer wnats to see me living in this missery. That in the longrun this is for the best, that he fears Allah in regards how he treats me. I dont know what thats suppose to mean, he is my life. He keeps saying that this is for my happiness and its his first priority. I feel so broken, I didn't care if he ever made love to me why did it have to end this way.
He also promised me that he will never remarry..... Hearing him divorce me was a nightmare, if i ever beared any hardship anything at all none of it compared to hearing him divorce me as he was crying. That is the ultimate hardship, what made him ever believe that i was in hardship. As i watch my world crumbling down, i dont think i will ever be happy again but im sure Allah has plans for me that i dont know.
no food tastes, i can't sleep. who will meet him by the door with a smile everyday as he returns from work? who will wish him farewell as he leaves? who will look after him when he's sick?
who will ever love me as much as he did, who will lead me in my prayers as my husband? who will put food in my mouth so lovingly?
Who will lose sleep over my sickness at night, tending to my needs, pls make duas for me, my tears do not stop. How am I suppose to let him go?
Allahu musta'an.
IB Forum Anonymous Account.
Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.
Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!
I don't want to break a heart so beautiful, a heart that would die for me.
Did u talk to any doctor about his problem ?
Oh no ; I just read that you are divorced already. Have u finished ur Iddat time ? If not and if u really want to stay with him ; then tell him to withdraw divorce and consult with a doctor about his physical / mental problems.
Last edited by Muslim Woman; 09-01-2009 at 01:57 PM.
Christ will never be proud to reject to be a slave to God .....holy Quran, chapter Women , 4: 172
you all adviced me when i needed it i think its only fair I tell you of any updates. I am now divorced.... my husband surprised me in morroco to tell me that he wants to set me free because he loves me too much.
I am out for words my worlds completely shattered. He wants me to have a normal life and told me its time i started living my life. He said that he inflicted me with enough hardship. That he no longer wnats to see me living in this missery. That in the longrun this is for the best, that he fears Allah in regards how he treats me. I dont know what thats suppose to mean, he is my life. He keeps saying that this is for my happiness and its his first priority. I feel so broken, I didn't care if he ever made love to me why did it have to end this way.
He also promised me that he will never remarry..... Hearing him divorce me was a nightmare, if i ever beared any hardship anything at all none of it compared to hearing him divorce me as he was crying. That is the ultimate hardship, what made him ever believe that i was in hardship. As i watch my world crumbling down, i dont think i will ever be happy again but im sure Allah has plans for me that i dont know.
no food tastes, i can't sleep. who will meet him by the door with a smile everyday as he returns from work? who will wish him farewell as he leaves? who will look after him when he's sick?
who will ever love me as much as he did, who will lead me in my prayers as my husband? who will put food in my mouth so lovingly?
Who will lose sleep over my sickness at night, tending to my needs, pls make duas for me, my tears do not stop. How am I suppose to let him go?
Allahu musta'an.
what foney crap is this he gave you?? i am sorry sister but he surely did not do justice with you at all!!! he did not make love to you in the 4years you were married and then he divorce's you just like that! this is to much now for any woman.. this is disgraceful! my blood is boiling. dose he actually realise the punishments in he grave for not doing justice with his wife?? dose he even know?? haha how religious is this guy. HE HAS NO TAQWA!!
and then he tells you he won't marry again. our beloved prophet mohammad pbuh said the one who dose not marry is not one of our ummah..
divorcing a good wife like you then. it says a lot.
you all adviced me when i needed it i think its only fair I tell you of any updates. I am now divorced.... my husband surprised me in morroco to tell me that he wants to set me free because he loves me too much.
I am out for words my worlds completely shattered. He wants me to have a normal life and told me its time i started living my life. He said that he inflicted me with enough hardship. That he no longer wnats to see me living in this missery. That in the longrun this is for the best, that he fears Allah in regards how he treats me. I dont know what thats suppose to mean, he is my life. He keeps saying that this is for my happiness and its his first priority. I feel so broken, I didn't care if he ever made love to me why did it have to end this way.
He also promised me that he will never remarry..... Hearing him divorce me was a nightmare, if i ever beared any hardship anything at all none of it compared to hearing him divorce me as he was crying. That is the ultimate hardship, what made him ever believe that i was in hardship. As i watch my world crumbling down, i dont think i will ever be happy again but im sure Allah has plans for me that i dont know.
no food tastes, i can't sleep. who will meet him by the door with a smile everyday as he returns from work? who will wish him farewell as he leaves? who will look after him when he's sick?
who will ever love me as much as he did, who will lead me in my prayers as my husband? who will put food in my mouth so lovingly?
Who will lose sleep over my sickness at night, tending to my needs, pls make duas for me, my tears do not stop. How am I suppose to let him go?
Allahu musta'an.
I didn't see that coming he made the wrong choice
So what was his official reason for divorcing you??
I think you should have an imam or someone contact him on your behalf, and let him know how you feel.. let him know that caring for you, also means your emotional well being not just physical well being.. I think you should get back together insha'Allah.. you are allowed to remarry..
pls let us know if you get re-married again, I was rather upset by your news today..do you think your family or someone coerced him into divorcing you?
la 7wala wla qiwta illa billah..
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
la 7wala wla qiwta illa billah
this is very sad indeed sis, May Allah help you to overcome that
He loved you soo much that he pushed himself strongly even when he himself couldn't bear living without you. You said that he divorced you while he was crying, that prove that he didn't want it to end that way. I think that is the true love! subhanAllah
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
what made him ever believe that i was in hardship.
He knows that any woman wants to live like any "married" woman and have children, even if you didn't speak, he thought that you are suffering in silence to not hurt him
I think that the best thing to do is to let someone reliable talk to him and tell him how you are suffering now and how you are really feeling about the divorce.
format_quote Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
do you think your family or someone coerced him into divorcing you?
I think you have to consider that on your mind sis, I remember you said in your first post that your family was always asking you about why you didn't have any children yet, maybe they knew something about your situation with your husband recently!! May be he didn't want to make a problem between you your family and didn't mention that reason to you so he choose to let it go as he did!!!
May Allah reunite you two again sis, you will be in my duaa inshaAllah
Last edited by Danah; 09-02-2009 at 01:59 AM.
Reason: typo...
Ya Allah ukhtee... i just read this. It makes me cry.
Don't worry ukhtee... Maybe theres a hikmaah in this... If theres still 'jodoh' between both of you...InshaAllah Allah swt will rejoin both of you.
Have sabr ukhtee... probably the distance will help both of you to rethink.
May Allah protect you and your ex-husband and grant you and your ex-husband happiness in this world and the hereafter.
25:36 And the true servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk the earth with humility and when the ignorant address them, they respond with words of peace.
I feel deeply for you sis. I know it won't make much difference, but I wish I could hug you right now.
But I believe this is the best for you sis. The pain is something you can't avoid going through. But you will get through it sweetheart. Sis, it is virtually impossible for a normal man not to have attempted to establish intimate relations with his wife. I don't want to say more at this point as I think you have enough to deal with already. Please be patient my dear sis. The Prophet (saw) said, Patience is at the first news of tragedy. And a wise man once said, "The wise behave at the first sign of tragedy as fools behaves later." Allah himself tell us He loves the sabiroon. Therefore my dear sis, bear your loss with patience and Allah will replace it with something better. Don't lose hope and think you can't be happy again. Or that you can't love again. Allah knows better, so leave those decisions up to Him. Grief is a process we all have to go through when loss occurs. But no one grieves for their loss forever my dear ukhti. It will get easier, InshaAllah. May Allah grant you peace and sabr. Ameen. (((((hugs))))))))
im sorry 2 b blunt, but it seems like he is hiding something. did you ask him why he isn't getting married again? did you ask 4 a *proper* explanation. you seem innocent cos 4 years for married man is unrealistic.
may allah grant you patience and give your heart tranquility.
IB Forum Anonymous Account.
Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.
Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!
im sorry 2 b blunt, but it seems like he is hiding something. did you ask him why he isn't getting married again? did you ask 4 a *proper* explanation. you seem innocent cos 4 years for married man is unrealistic.
may allah grant you patience and give your heart tranquility.
i agree with this poster. i have my suspicions what the issue might be but i will not speculate to avoid backbiting.
what foney crap is this he gave you?? i am sorry sister but he surely did not do justice with you at all!!! he did not make love to you in the 4years you were married and then he divorce's you just like that! this is to much now for any woman.. this is disgraceful! my blood is boiling. dose he actually realise the punishments in he grave for not doing justice with his wife?? dose he even know?? haha how religious is this guy. HE HAS NO TAQWA!!
and then he tells you he won't marry again. our beloved prophet mohammad pbuh said the one who dose not marry is not one of our ummah..
divorcing a good wife like you then. it says a lot.
I found this post insensitive sister!
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
it is not a medical problem we can clearly see that, in the 4year's they were with eachother, was it so hard for him 2go 2 doctor get those tabletz perscribed for him. Not a big thing. There is not a tablet on this earth that can't treat things like this. I mean you see it all the time couple's at da doctor's an pharmacies wanting help for there problems with proper medication...Nah there is more to it. Has 2 be. I wont say anymore as i know your probably suffering a lot sis. Come on this forum more often get your mind off things! I would not ask that he should take you back. You have dignity and you should keep. You got nothng in the four years from him only crap treatment. Inshallaah you will find a real man. A man is not a man if he can't fufil his wives needs and give her children. I am purely disgusted. I really believed your family should have steped in when you were having these problems in the first place and its kinda sly that he didn't want this or mentiön to you but anyway you were young and you still are young. Just remember sister if a believer has any type of problem or issue with himself! There isen't any problem Allah almighty cant solve 4 him... There is many people sister with mental problemz an dramatic pasts but they ARE LIVING THERE LIFES. getting married, having kids, enjoying ramadan, they are living for otherz and not for themselves and that is a muslim. Crying only showed the cowardness and selfishness in him!!. Did should make it easier for you to move on an be wise. Loads of cuddles from me. XXMaryamXX.
it is not a medical problem we can clearly see that, in the 4year's they were with eachother, was it so hard for him 2go 2 doctor get those tabletz perscribed for him. Not a big thing. There is not a tablet on this earth that can't treat things like this.
There are many organic and psychological causes of impotence that can't be treated with tablets!
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
There is loads of treatments but anyway you are no doctor 2 say a certain thing cannot be cured. And i dont believe its impotence anyway!!
but I am a doctor wal7mdllilah!
you have heard of hereditary hemochromatosis? or Klinefelter's syndrome, Prader-Willi syndrome, Huntington disease, cystic fibrosis, multiple endocrine neoplasia type 2, Gaucher disease, dialted cardiomyopathy, sick sinus syndrome? just to name a few? any number of things can cause impotence, whether psychological, genetic or medical-- it isn't for us to say.. just like you fancy that I am not a doctor, neither are you to speak with certainty on whether or not what he suffers has or doesn't have treatment!
I'd refrain from constantly passing out very bad advise to people!
Jazaki Allah khyran
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
When you create an account, we remember exactly what you've read, so you always come right back where you left off. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and share your thoughts. Sign Up
..Iwill stop writing, I don't want anyone to come in and see my tears. Pls make dua for me. I don't want to break a heart so beautiful, a heart that would die for me.
your not the only couple to have this problem many people have this problem of a non sexual marriage, so there's many medications out on the market to deal with it. Just get him to your doctor and tell him the situation, then he can check your husband to see if he's low on anything.
Hide
Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
Bookmarks