This is not easy for me. But I know that I can’t keep this secret hidden forever. I am 20 years old and I am married. When I was 16 I fell in love with an amazing Muslim man and we married each other. When I married him, I was so happy. Nothing on earth, could bring me down, with him I had wings. , He would always make me smile, and he was everything a Muslim should be. I know that no one can match up to rasululah (saw) but to me he was so close in character. We were so attracted to one another; he has beauty, an amazing mind, even wealth. He would practice his Islam to the fullest, never compromised his deen for anything. I would always dream of a man like this before I met him. When I finally met him it was like Allah took him out of my dreams and placed him in my reality. In the Muslim community women would envy me (young & old. Asking me, “how did you find a man like this”? I would just say Alhamdulilah.
I know that all the good I have in my life came from Allah alone, and all credit is due to Allah. When we first got married we lived together for only 2 weeks, after that due to some immigration issues he had to leave the country. But he was to return once things get sorted. During those 2 weeks, one week of it I had my period. So we couldn’t have been intimate fully. The week after when my period finished, nothing happened. Me being a young virgin I wasn’t really thinking of intercourse too much. If anything it was not really on my mind, mainly just freaking out about it. Was kind of happy that he didn’t approach me as soon as my period finished. I knew that it was going to happen, just be looking forward to it too much. I thought when it happens it will happen InshaAllah. While he was gone we always had contact, we were looking forward to the time we could be together again. We loved each other so much and were sad that we couldn’t be together as much as we would have liked.
At the same time we stayed patient and kept making allot of dua that Allah allows us to be together soon as husband and wife and to never ever be separated again. Well he would return again, this time he stayed 3 months. I was so happy when he returned, my husband whom I have only known as my husband through marriage for 2 weeks. I was over the moon and so was he.
During his stay, my love for him increased, we were being very affectionate except there was no intercourse. One night he mentioned that whenever he got too close I would freak out, and he would see fear in my eyes. That he didn’t want to hurt me and would wait until I got more comfortable. I thought that was sweet. A month passed and I am still a virgin. I started to actually think about it, but would never try to show it because of how shy I was. He asked me once, why I freak out? I didn’t know how to answer that. I asked him, have I ever stopped you? He said, no. I thought that would get him to think and show him that I of course want to be intimate with my husband regardless of how much I freak out. I thought, what Girl doesn’t freak out? If men all thought, oh my wife looks scared im not going to touch her, everyone would be virgin? One night he asked me, “why I don’t try to touch him”? I didn’t know how to answer it.
I have never been with a man before how was I suppose to know? He would tell me how it’s a sign that I don’t feel close to him. That he doesn’t
want to rape his own wife. Why don’t I act like I want it? I was so
confused, and started to think that there is something wrong with me. Later he confirmed to me that he’s also very shy and he’s a virgin too. I knew that he was a Virgin, so I began to think maybe he’s also freaking out InshaAllah we will get through this. My sisters would get married and all get pregnant, and I am still a virgin. My mother would ask me, “Are you taking the pill”? By the time my mother asked me this I was already married for a complete year and have lived with him that long too. I just said, yes. I had turned 17 then.
My mother gave me an earful of how bad the pill is for me, how I should stop taking it and that children are a blessing from Allah. I lied to protect his honor. I didn’t want anyone to think that he’s failing as a Man. Well, another year passed, still we’re virgins. When I turned 18, that night he began to kiss me, and he got close to being very intimate with me, then he stopped. He began to cry in my lap, asking me to forgive him. I told him that there is nothing to forgive. He said, I worry that I will lose you. There is no woman on this earth more beautiful then you, here we are I have you all to myself, and and. He didn’t finish it. I didn’t make him finish it. I just told him to sleep and that I wasn’t mad at him.
The next day, when we were sitting together, I asked him something. He uses to be catholic, although my knowledge was and still is limited in that area, but I use to hear how priests rape the boys in the church. When we met, he did tell me that he use to go to church as a young boy. So that day, I asked him about the time he use to go to church. Were you ever molested as a child, I asked him? He wouldn’t look at me, but he just gave me body language that says, sort of no. I didn’t ask again. I continued cooking, cleaning, doing my wifely duties. My parents visit us and keep asking me why I am not pregnant yet; I have now been married for 4 years. My father occasionally will take me aside, and say things like this to me “don’t worry children are a blessing from Allah, I know that it must have been hard trying for 4 years”. I have always loved my husband; he’s my friend and a very Allah fearing Mu’min. I don’t know how this all happened. I know that he never harmed me; he was always good to me. And although we never had sex, we had so much fun. All these years I have never looked at other men. No living being knows of this life I am living. I have always felt like it would be a betrayal to leave him just because he didn’t do it with me? My parents absolutely adore him and even call him their favourite son in law. I dont know what to do. I know that I have lived such a beautiful life.
He treats me like I am a princess, he’s so sweet and kind. I don't think that I will ever stop loving him. My mother wants me to get checked and find out why I cant have children. She sees how happy I am with my husband, she once told me in my Dads presence “If me and your father die, We know that we have given you to the best man on this earth”. I dont know what to do.
I am starting to imagine what a life would be with kids? To be a real wife who experiences every aspect of marriage life? Or will I die as a Virgin? I always get a lot of attention from men, even when we eat out together at restaurants. Whenever men in our Community see me they wonder if I am available for marriage? That's because of my age & my looks "ive been told" and most assume at first hand that I am single. When I have to say I am married, it feels a bit wrong. It’s only at times like that I am reminded of the fact that I am really not married. recently started to cry in my sleep, wondering what I did wrong? I have never hurt people, I have always been the one who everyone came to when they needed anything. Now I am living this life. My husband keeps telling me, that he can’t believe it that I am still married to him. I am now visiting my Family, I’ve been looking at some links and came across this forum while my lil sister was reading here. I have to tell her one day soon...I think she will be so shocked omg, She looks up to me, and looks at me and sees me smile. She has seen so many marriages fall apart, she told me I give her hope. That she wants to have a marriage like mine. I am sorry for the long post.
If I tell my parents they will make sure that I get divorced I know it in my heart. I need your advice ya muslimeen. I see commercials, talks of intimacy. I can't lie I wonder what thats like. But I am now beginning to accept that it might not happen with my husband, after 4 years of waiting now I think it might never happen. That breaks my heart, but I don't have any control over it...Iwill stop writing, I don't want anyone to come in and see my tears. Pls make dua for me. I don't want to break a heart so beautiful, a heart that would die for me.
I just read through these posts. I really cannot relate to this attitude toward sex. I'm astounded. Any heterosexual man should be jumping on his wife at the first chance. The problem seems too obvious. It sounds to me as though he is gay. And the two of you were raised in an overly-protective environment with very little open communication about sex. Hopefully I am wrong. You two need some professional help.
Gay people are able to have sex btw ..
Since we don't know him personally, I don't see how anyone can differentiate by proxy a homosexual from a man who might suffer Priapism and impotence from homozygous sickle cell disease or any number of afore mentioned or non mentioned causes of impotence!.. I thought the problem is about getting them back together and getting them the help they need instead of passing advise on how he'll be punished in the grave and how isn't a part of the ummah, or how he is gay, or how his condition can be treated with a pill.. do we know for sure what he has? can anyone here say beyond a shadow of a doubt or are we in it simply to cast doubt?
I have posted this article here before:
When You Find Out You Are a Gay
My world was so confused as I kept asking myself why men marry women when in fact, they love men? Editor's note: This is the true story of an ex-homosexual man. It is published here with the author's kind permission.
I was born in a devout Muslim family. All my family members keep the five daily prayers, fast in the month of Ramadan, and observe all the Islamic teachings and rituals. My parents performed Hajj in the 1970s. There are 14 of us in the family. I am the 11th and the last son of a 5-brother and 9-sister family. I am close to my sisters and my mother compared to my brothers. My father passed away when I was 10.
I felt attracted to guys when I was young. Maybe the feeling developed when I was 10 years old. At 14, I knew that I would not want to get married as I was not attracted to women. I thought of how I would face my brothers and sisters when they all would get married and I would stay single.
My world was so confused as I asked myself why men marry women when in fact they love men. Then I realized that it was only me who felt that way. I was never abused by anyone. I still have no clue why it affected me.
Same Sex Experience
Last March, while reading Qur'an after Fajr Prayer, I prayed in my heart that Allah gives me a female companion. I wanted to stop all thisSomehow, time passed by so fast and I had to face the reality that I will stay single forever. Luckily, some of my brothers and sisters got married when I was studying in the US. When I finished my degree, I stayed in Kuala Lumpur away from my family. Therefore, I could escape from the marriage questions.
My first SSE (Same-Sex Experience) started during college days. It continued after completing my studies when I settled back in Kuala Lumpur. It went further as my work took me to the Middle East. During these times, I still continued with my prayers. Sometimes, I felt so shy to face Allah during prayer as I just had sex earlier. Sometimes, I waited till the next day.
Although my career grew, I felt turbulence in life. My career did not go as smoothly as I wanted it to. My life was empty and my emotions were unstable as I kept changing partners. Then, I read a hadith about those committing sodomy.
Two years ago, I was out of work. I thought that was the worst time of my life when in fact it was the best time ever. I started reading the translation of the Qur'an. The imam in a mini mosque read hadiths (from the collection of Imam An-Nawawi) every morning after Fajr Prayer (Arabic for: Dawn Prayer). I now realize how these hadiths have shaped my life and my thinking.
I also read Prophet Muhammad's (peace and blessings be upon him) biography and the biographies of the 10 Companions who were promised Paradise. These stories moved me.
Even with all this, I still continued with my SSE, as bad habits die hard.
During my 6-month out-of-work period, Allah taught me how to surrender to Him. When I was hungry with no food to eat, Allah sent people offering me to eat with them. I did not have to ask Allah for this. He read me well. I was glad.
Surrendering to Allah is the turning point of my life. Reading the translation of the Qur'an has changed my perception of thinking and looking at this world. I read the book Road to Mecca by Muhammed Assad. I felt like a totally new Muslim.
Even with all this, I was still having SSE.
Words from Prophet Lut to his people kept me thinking. "Take my daughters for your wife. May you will find peace." I smiled sarcastically as I know these people were not interested in women, how could he offer his daughters? But then again, these are a prophet's words. There must be some truth in them.
Last March, while reading Qur'an after Fajr Prayer, I prayed in my heart that Allah gives me a female companion. I wanted to stop all this. I felt tired of my life, felt like every time I was climbing ladders to reach to the highest level of faith, I fell down when I had a SSE.
Getting Married Allah gave me a wife who fulfilled 9 out of 10 on my checklistWith my companion, I could channel my sexual desire according to Islam. Within a week, Allah sent someone who wanted to introduce me to her auntie. (I said in my heart: An auntie?) I said, "OK if I have the time." Then the lady was brought to me in the same evening. There was not much conversation except that she said that her favorite journey is from her house to the masjid. That was the last word we spoke before I adjourned to surau for my `Asr Prayer (Arabic for: Afternoon Prayer).
After the first meeting, we contacted each other via text messages. She asked me "Why didn't I get married?" I was a bit stunned and replied with all sorts of excuses. Then I resent to inform that in fact I did not get married because I was born homosexual. After a week of text messaging, I asked her if that it was OK to let my mom know about us and I found the right person. She said "OK." Within three months, we were married in a small ceremony.
Allah gave me a wife. She fulfilled 9 out of 10 on my checklist. I told her the one she did not fulfill is that she is a woman, not a man. She smiled. Allah offered me the qualities in her as if I spelled out my checklist. Allah knows me too well and knows what makes me happy.
During the three months that I knew her (before marriage), I did not feel attracted to her, I did not feel the arousal when I was with her. Nor does she toward me. I surrendered to Allah alone as I read in the Qur'an that He is the One Who showers the love feeling.
I prayed to Allah to shower us with love and make me feel aroused with her. True enough, Allah accepted my plea.
During the process of knowing my wife, I stumbled upon straight struggle Yahoo! groups based in the UK that cater for Muslims who face Same Sex Attraction (SSA) all over the world. I shared my life experience and my successful story with the groups. I am glad that I paved the way and encouraged some to take the first step to get married and counter the fear of first-night marriage.
In sha' Allah, my small contribution will lead to many successful heterosexual marriages in the future. Amen.
Ok that ^ really frustrates me. I can't get married and sodomites do. La hawla wa la quwata ila billah.
akhi
he is your brother in Islam.. he repented and gave up that life style with the aid of Allah swt and the Muslim community and is wal7mdllilah married to a pious woman who accepted everything about him.. you are not alone in your struggles..each of us faces a different kind of struggle.. you'd probably not be surprised to know that there are more singles than married couples in the U.S.. I just saw a news program about that..
I suppose that is why they go on to have sites like eharmony. com or chemistry.com amongst many others.. it is a universal problem to find the right partner and not simply to do with the fact that you are Muslim.. I too am not married and find the choices offered me by my community or parents unacceptable.. you have to surrender your will to Allah swt and accept as well believe that when the time is right he'll lead you to the one meant for you..
here we have a case of someone who has found the one and really isn't getting the help or they are not getting the help they need, instead a barrage of tasteless insults and doubts directed toward her and her ex. when we in fact know nothing about them.. sob7an Allah didn't brother Alpha post a topic about this very issue?
waslaam 3lykoum wr wb
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
Ok that ^ really frustrates me. I can't get married and sodomites do. La hawla wa la quwata ila billah.
lol...
The reason of not getting married is obviously not the same... so put your chin up and have hopes akhee.
And don't be too choosy
25:36 And the true servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk the earth with humility and when the ignorant address them, they respond with words of peace.
I hope this story serves as an eye opener to any sister in the same situation.
It is NOT ok if the guy does not want to be intimate with his wife. Don't simply look
at how he treats you because from that you might think it's true love. The man
had things he didn't resolve before getting married. Bad choice on his part.
To the sister who started this topic, I know you are hurt right now. But you must look at the bright side. A day will come when you will look at this divorce as a blessing, insha'Allah. Who knows what's in store for you?
I know some people started saying some harsh words about your ex husband, but I think he did the right thing. He was a bit late but he realized whatever problem he had would not get fixed.
you have heard of hereditary hemochromatosis? or Klinefelter's syndrome, Prader-Willi syndrome, Huntington disease, cystic fibrosis, multiple endocrine neoplasia type 2, Gaucher disease, dialted cardiomyopathy, sick sinus syndrome? just to name a few? any number of things can cause impotence, whether psychological, genetic or medical-- it isn't for us to say.. just like you fancy that I am not a doctor, neither are you to speak with certainty on whether or not what he suffers has or doesn't have treatment!
I'd refrain from constantly passing out very bad advise to people!
Jazaki Allah khyran
Oh so you are saying i am giving bad advice. You know you are proving 2 me and everybody else that you are nothing only a back biter.. Sister must you keep on quoting my posts and responding to me. Let the sister decide who started the thread that my post is insensitive or not!!! Dont respond to me again if you know better.
Oh so you are saying i am giving bad advice. You know you are proving 2 me and everybody else that you are nothing only a back biter.. Sister must you keep on quoting my posts and responding to me. Let the sister decide who started the thread that my post is insensitive or not!!! Dont respond to me again if you know better.
I do indeed find words such as:
Originally Posted by cat eyes
what foney crap is this he gave you??
.. this is disgraceful! my blood is boiling. dose he actually realise the punishments in he grave for not doing justice with his wife?? dose he even know?? haha how religious is this guy. HE HAS NO TAQWA!!
and then he tells you he won't marry again. our beloved prophet mohammad pbuh said the one who dose not marry is not one of our ummah..
to be insensitive, I am surprised that such a post remained here during the month of Ramadan.
As for backbiting, I believe the term denotes saying bad and mean even untruthful things behind someone's back.. which is in fact what you have done in your previous post. Cast doubt on another Muslim, already defined that he has no taqwa, implied he'll be punished in the grave, mocked his religiosity with a 'HAHA' and deemed that he isn't a part of our ummah..
whatever words I had to say, I have in fact said them to you directly not behind your back. and please allow me to clarify, whatever I write isn't for public approval, it is my own honest assessment of what you have written here, it doesn't aggrieve me if the majority of the forum hates me or even bans me for it.
I don't know what you mean by 'if I know better' I don't feel threatened if that is what you intend me by it, and this is a public forum, I have the same privileges in writing as any other member..
Jazaki Allah khyran
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
Im sorry about your divorce and im sure youre going through a lot of pain. Allah knows what was wrong with your husband but it seems he did have problems and wasnt able to face upto them. as mentioned 4 years is a VERY LONG time, even 4 weeks would be strange for a man to be newly married and not touch his wife or want to.
if he didnt give you a full divorce and you still really want to be with him and you feel that deep down he does want to be with you then ask him to atleast get some help for his problem, it could be a lot of things and he may feel ashamed to address as it may make him feel less 'manly'
otherwise may Allah make it easy for you and grant you patience sister, and bless you with better. Ameen.
and feel free to contact me if need anything
to be insensitive, I am surprised that such a post remained here during the month of Ramadan.
As for backbiting, I believe the term denotes saying bad and mean even untruthful things behind someone's back.. which is in fact what you have done in your previous post. Cast doubt on another Muslim, already defined that he has no taqwa, implied he'll be punished in the grave, mocked his religiosity with a 'HAHA' and deemed that he isn't a part of our ummah..
whatever words I had to say, I have in fact said them to you directly not behind your back. and please allow me to clarify, whatever I write isn't for public approval, it is my own honest assessment of what you have written here, it doesn't aggrieve me if the majority of the forum hates me or even bans me for it.
I don't know what you mean by 'if I know better' I don't feel threatened if that is what you intend me by it, and this is a public forum, I have the same privileges in writing as any other member..
Jazaki Allah khyran
Ohh teacher i am sorry if i did not write a post 2 your approvel haha are you owner of this forum??your unbelievable! i also have the same privileges in writing as any other. And i only speak the truth! If thats so hard 2hear then mabe you should not be a member. i believe a man who dose not do justice with his wife will be punished in the grave and for a divorce there has 2 b of a more serious nature for example if he is not satisfied with his wife and she was never obedient 2him but there is alot of injustice in this case because of the fact he made no effort what so ever 2 solve the problem...she don't even know what is wrong wit him or what was wrong with him! Is it a bit sickening in the 4years he never opened up 2her or told her the truth what was going on with him???! And she will never know and that is injustice! When u love, two people don't back out so easily! None of it makes sense! As i said there is a cure for everything if Allah wills! So doctor give me an anwser for this if u want to fight a battle you cannot win.. Yes i believe the brother had no taqwa because a god fearing person would not desert his wife in such silly circumstances and tell her he will not marry again! There is obviously something major behind this comment he made... Sister back biting comes in all forms. You don't 2 be a scholar to see that! May Allah forgive you for it.
Yes divorce is halal but the fact of the matter still remain's he did not do justice with his wife..(an inability 2 communicate with his spouse) an a whole list of alot of things you could write a book on infact i have a book here what Allah mean's by injustice from all the respected scholar's and the punishments for it. So these all sins still stand weather divorce is necasary or not. I think the sister mentioned in her first post..he was a reverted muslim. This says an awful lot also. It could be that she did not know who she was getting involved with. ''a man with a past'' thats all she know's. And don't know how long he was revert and he is wealthy but thats another story... Knowledge and fufilments of the spouse comes along with being a muslim. Allah has stated that it is halal for the man 2marry a non muslim but she must revert but not nowhere is it stated that a woman should marry any man and he must be a revert...why?. Well because a man might not have accepted islam in his heart therefore the woman is at a loss. Some men revert 2 islam only 2get the girl.. I dont know and i cannot say but it's clear 2see there was no blessing from the start. Allah know's best. Allah has giving obligations therefore we should obey them. She needs a husband who comes from a muslim family.. Some god fearing islamic family therefore she will never will be at a loss and they will step in on the husbands account if anything was to happen. this is what Allah teaches us in our scriptures. Do you people think divorce is a little thing..but this generation never fails 2 suprize me. And i want 2 say also 2 the sister, don't look for wealth and how hansum a person is when finding a potential husband. People will always tell you what you want 2hear. These people always have two face's, da face they show to you and the face they show to others. Your young. Allah know's best.
subhaanAllah, please stop this bickering. This is a month of Ramadhan for Allah's Love and let us use this energy to make dua'a for sister and rest of the ummah.
sister, how did he divorce you? on the phone? did he divorce you thrice in one 'sitting'? Because if he divorced you thrice in one sitting then you can take the opinion of the scholars who say that divorce in such a manner only counts as one. Please have a look at the fatawas here
I would advice you to talk to knowledgeable person about your divorce issue
may Allah Ta'ala make things easier for you and set your affairs, ameen
عن تميم بن أوس الداري أن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم: قال الدين النصيحة ثلاثا قلنا لمن يا رسول الله قال لله ولكتابه ولرسوله ولأئمة المسلمين وعامتهم - رواه مسلم
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..Iwill stop writing, I don't want anyone to come in and see my tears. Pls make dua for me. I don't want to break a heart so beautiful, a heart that would die for me.
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