AssalamuAlaykum
The first thing I want to address here is the despair you are feeling. Please do not despair in Allah's mercy and forgiveness.
From Anas, radiyallahu 'anhu, who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam, say:
"Allah the Almighty has said: 'O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me, and hope in Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds in the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I shall forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with an earthful of sins and were you then to face Me, without having associated anything with Me, I shall grant you an earthful of pardon.'" [Recorded by Al-Tirmidhi, who said that it is a good and sound hadith]
O My servants, who have transgressed against themselves! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah. Verily, Allah forgives all sins. Truly He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. [Surah Zumar: 53]
This is the beauty of our deen. Allah, the Sublime, gives us countless opportunities to turn to Him in repentance no matter how often we sin.
And remember that Allah understands the innermost thoughts of your soul. So even if you don't give voice to your fears, Allah knows them. He knows your prayers, spoken and unspoken, in English and Arabic. So turn to Him for strength.
And Allah alone gives success. And Allah knows best.
[Excerpt from SunniPath]
WassalamuAlaykum
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