feeling ugly

Your appearance may be a test. God is Just. This may be a test to confirm your belief of His Attribute. Everyone will be beautiful in Heaven. Life here is short, so don't worry too much. Your appearance may work to your benefit and prevent you from marrying a shallow man. I've noticed how disgustingly shallow society has gotten too. I'm pretty sure I read that society will be corrupted if men starting marrying women for their beauty. Do not let other people's shallows create insecurities. For they are the ones in error. Be sure of it. Do not fear their shallow judgemental nature. Try avoiding those people. Instead be strong. Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder. Who cares what you are in the eyes of the believers or nonbelievers? Find happiness in the fact that Allah (swt) raises that status of pious believers. Perhaps you are blessed with piety than with beauty. For surely piety gets a person into Heaven not beauty.

And sister, you are not ugly. If beauty pleases your future husband more than piety.. than sister he is surely not worth marrying. InshaAllah, God is Just and you will marry someone who appreciates the fact that you offer a gift of the greatest kind - a spouse that helps the other by enjoining in good and forbidding evil - a gift which will help him get into Heaven.

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

Salam

I feel so ugly, and I don't know why. People have told me i'm pretty, and I even hope that I am. But I don't look as pretty as a lot of girls I come across.

I am trying my best in life and doing everything to the best level possible, I've kept my honor and dignity in check since day one...so why must i go through these insecurities?

Why am I made less good looking or not good looking at all compared to those who don't do justice to their looks?

What kind of world is this...plus I fear that I'll not meet a man I've always hoped for, my esteem has hit rock bottom, I'm beginning to settle for less. I feel so bad about this. And it's all because of my looks.

Everything is fine but this one thing ruins it!

And you might say looks eventually die but a good character and personality lives, but these days the minute a pretty woman is around men including Muslim ones, they prefer her over the better person as a whole.

I'm not suggesting I'm better than people, but I know I've made considerable effort in my life and deserve the one thing I've remained patient for...so why is this the case?

Why does God make humans like this, and then makes them suffer and unable to achieve the things we want as a reward for our hard work?

Please advice me.

You know what sis, I understand you so clearly...have no doubt on that.

I was in a very serious relationship over a year ago. I was set to be married etc...but then it died (alhamdulillah) but now I am struggling with the amount of weight I have put on. I am not particularly pretty or ugly..quite average, i guess...but i dnt see myself this way. I see the ugliest thing when I look in the mirror...and the weight I have put on has just thrown me in the deep end of insecurities.

Trust me I know how this affects everything. EVERYTHING. coz we are women...and our mortal flaw is wanting to look good and expressing our beauty...inside and out. when people tell you its not important...dont listen to them...coz outter beauty is important.

im gna give this advice to both you and me. yes, outter beauty is important...but it is not the out beauty that you think other see and perceive that is important...it is the beauty you see in yourself. and at the moment...you dnt see any..other see more beauty than you. so we have to steal some of their perception dont we

leme tell you what to try...you dnt have to try this...but its worth a go.

1. dnt wait or expect compliments to feel like you appear 'adequate'. at this stage, not only do you feel ugly...u feel inadequate and only when people say 'hey you look nice' do you feel 'normal'. if you leave the house feeling adequate and 'normal'...when someone compliments you, your esteem will be boosted to the next level...like feeling 'ok' about your appearance.

2. the next time someone compliments you...dont think at all. dnt return the cmpliment...just say 'thank you' and smile.

3. what you wear has a HUGE effect on how you feel abt urself. allocate some money...i dnt know what ur financial situation is...but go and buy urself something uber trendy. if you wear an abayah, go buy urself something awesome to wear in the house...even some cute pjs will do it. i dno if you wear the hijab, (heck i dnt even know if you are muslim :P) but either way, allocating some money to go get ur hair done...or buying some dye and getting ur frends to dye it for you will be help. why? coz you are spending time with ur body and ur appearance...and you are changing something little on the outside.

4. you didnt mention a weight problem...but still, excersize helps you become in tune with your body and skin. what you do to your body and self during exercise is up to you. so guess what ur brain starts doing? it starts accepting ur body and appearance as it is..as its own.

5. have faith in Allah to know that he has created all people equally and adequately ugly. no..you dnt look like some really pretty girls. and you never will. but guess what...every feature on ur face and on ur body was specially hand crafted for you and ur personality...there is a reason why ur cheeks curve that way..and why ur eyes look that way and why ur nose is how it is.

6. men are ugly. uglier than me and you. they have no physical beauty whatsoever. a woman is always beautiful to them (my dad told me that)...if they have appropriate standards that is...a guy once to told me "you are either hot or you're not". i wanted to smash his face in. we care too much abt what guys see us as sis. but you know, they shud look in the mirror and realise that they are lucky to have any women get attracted to them.

7. if you are a muslim sister...keep in mind that the guys around you (if any) are all brothers...and are most probably conservative about stuff like this. im sure that if they cud, they would compliment you often....coz you are beautiful. always. coz that is why women were created by Allah...to be beautiful in every way possible.

8. I have a non-muslim guy frend. he told me once that when i put myself down..it makes me ugly and it pushes people away. like, i used to reject compliments out loud (now i only reject them in my head :P) and he just said its so disgusting for guys so to see girls who arent proud of who they are. if you dnt love urself...how do you expect a stranger man to love you? a proudly adequate, well presented girl is always more attractive than an overtly open and 'hot' or an overtly insecure, complaining girl. guys like everything in moderation. so should you.

I have no idea if this helps. ive been struggling with this stuff for a year etc...and this is all the stuff ive been telling myself and trying to do. and it helps me.

sorry if ive said anything to offend anyone.


peace.

Dear anonymous

I wonder why so many women feel insecure about how they look? Much of it must be due to the pressure media expectations put us under, and perhaps also the societal thinking that we 'must be good-looking to find a husband'.

There is a verse in Psalm 139 which tells us that we are all 'wonderfully made'.

Do not beat yourself up about how you think you look - or even about how others think you look ...
Believe that Allah made you just as you are, that he has a wonderful purpose for you and that in his eyes you are no less beautiful than anybody else!!
Just be patient and see what God has in store for you!

Sending you my prayers and best wishes.

format_quote Originally Posted by nightstar

6. men are ugly. uglier than me and you. they have no physical beauty whatsoever. a woman is always beautiful to them (my dad told me that)...if they have appropriate standards that is...a guy once to told me "you are either hot or you're not". i wanted to smash his face in. we care too much abt what guys see us as sis. but you know, they shud look in the mirror and realise that they are lucky to have any women get attracted to them.

LOL this is so true, i need help with this aswell. but im slowly getting there.Inshallah

Dw bro...women are a magnificent mix of huge hearts and huge insecurities. you make her feel special and she's yours. express ur stability and security through ur stance...and shes urs. if you were super hot she wudnt be attracted to you anyway...thats how women roll...NATURALLY. she'd be intimidated...BUT these days..i dno whats happening...

if you dnt love urself...how do you expect a stranger man to love you?

Exactly.
That's all it comes down to, sis.
You are what you perceive yourself to be. People perceive you the way you perceive yourself.
If you think you're fat and ugly and boring, then believe it or not, people will find you fat, ugly, and boring.
But if you decide that you're happy with the way you look, and are content with who you are, then everyone around you will be too.
Don't go to others looking for appreciation and nice words when you can't manage them for yourself.

"Everything is fine but this one thing ruins it!"

Sis, that's what everyone says. No one's life is perfect, everyone is like "if not for this one thing, life would be great!". But everyone has that "one thing". If suddenly one day you woke up gorgeous, your happiness would last a short amount of time, and then you'd find another "one thing" that, if gone, would make your life perfect. Some people want to look better, some want to lose weight, some want to be smarter, some want to be talented. Ultimately, we've all got good and bad points about us, no one is perfect.

Accept yourself for who you are; you will be happy, and other people will love you for it.

youre as pretty as you feel. its normal that we see the flaws in ourselves and think everyone else seems much more pretty but i bet if you ask those people theyll see flaws in their own selves and consider you pretty. A lot of people are also 'pretty' after having made themselves up and in the mornings arent so good looking
if we all looked the same to fit that 'pretty' or 'ugly' bracket the world would be such a boring place. we all have our flaws and are all beautiful in our own ways. look at yourself carefully...are you really UGLY? deep down do you REALLY think that? and dont worry about men not finding you attractive, beauty IS in the eys of the beholder

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

Salam

I feel so ugly, and I don't know why. People have told me i'm pretty, and I even hope that I am. But I don't look as pretty as a lot of girls I come across.

Sister, you should try to avoid that kind of jealousy. you are as Allah[SWT] made you, and He knew EXACTLY what kind of looks would be best for you!

I am trying my best in life and doing everything to the best level possible, I've kept my honor and dignity in check since day one...so why must i go through these insecurities?

those above mentioned jealousies will bring on insecurity. focus on Salaat and Zhikr.

Why am I made less good looking or not good looking at all compared to those who don't do justice to their looks?

MAYBE Allah[SWT] is protecting you from Zina!


What kind of world is this...plus I fear that I'll not meet a man I've always hoped for, my esteem has hit rock bottom, I'm beginning to settle for less. I feel so bad about this. And it's all because of my looks.

Everything is fine but this one thing ruins it!

And you might say looks eventually die but a good character and personality lives, but these days the minute a pretty woman is around men including Muslim ones, they prefer her over the better person as a whole.

those are the kind of Muslims that you don't want to marry. and i doubt that many of them are at the Masjid for Fajr.

I'm not suggesting I'm better than people, but I know I've made considerable effort in my life and deserve the one thing I've remained patient for...so why is this the case?

Sabr[patience] IS worship! all along you have felt that you have been suffering when in actuality, you have been engaged in worship. sometimes what you like is not good for you and sometimes what is good for you, you do not like.

Why does God make humans like this, and then makes them suffer and unable to achieve the things we want as a reward for our hard work?

a little more Sabr, more concentration in Salaat and Zhikr will get you plenty of reward regardless of whether or not you get a husband tomorrow.

Please advice me.

have Sabr Sister. when i met my wife i didn't feel that looks were important, she told me that she gets up before Fajr everyday and reads one Juz of the Qur'an and that she fasts on Mondays and Thursdays. [ i sorta had a pretty lady friend who NEVER read the Qur'an once in her life!] i actually asked her to marry me BECAUSE she said that! [in like a week or two! ]

don't get me wrong, she wasn't unattractive. she walks with a brace[she had polio at 1]. and so her face grimaced when she walked. HOWEVER, once we were married, her SMILE has become the most beautiful and cherished of visions for me!

i was raised non-Muslim and we used to watch the move the Ten Commandments every year. somewhere in there is the line "beauty is a curse to our women." [OK it's a fictionalized account, but] the Egyptian overlords would take the pretty Hebrew girls for themselves regardless if they were in love with one of their own.

it sounds like you are jealous of the woman who are distracted by their beauty, and thus that you would prefer the same distractions. Alhumdulillah, Allah[SWT] has kept you from being so challenged!

have Taqwah and where necessary, Tawbah!

format_quote Originally Posted by YusufNoor

have Sabr Sister. when i met my wife i didn't feel that looks were important, she told me that she gets up before Fajr everyday and reads one Juz of the Qur'an and that she fasts on Mondays and Thursdays. [ i sorta had a pretty lady friend who NEVER read the Qur'an once in her life!] i actually asked her to marry me BECAUSE she said that! [in like a week or two! ]

don't get me wrong, she wasn't unattractive. she walks with a brace[she had polio at 1]. and so her face grimaced when she walked. HOWEVER, once we were married, her SMILE has become the most beautiful and cherished of visions for me!

i was raised non-Muslim and we used to watch the move the Ten Commandments every year. somewhere in there is the line "beauty is a curse to our women." [OK it's a fictionalized account, but] the Egyptian overlords would take the pretty Hebrew girls for themselves regardless if they were in love with one of their own.

it sounds like you are jealous of the woman who are distracted by their beauty, and thus that you would prefer the same distractions. Alhumdulillah, Allah[SWT] has kept you from being so challenged!

have Taqwah and where necessary, Tawbah!

salams,

You, my dear brother, are simply ...I'm lost for words. Thank you for being an example for younger brothers out there.

Salams to your wife and tell her to pray for you and the rest of the male ummah population.

ws

Really good replies from everyone. I basically think if someone marries you just for looks then they're quite shallow... and not looking at the bigger picture and what's more important, which is piety and building a good family on this earth so that you may be with your spouse in the hereafter, InshAllah.

May Allah give you patience.

And lastly, I'm sure you're not ugly.

format_quote Originally Posted by Whatsthepoint

There are some fairly common standards nevertheless.

Hey, different strokes for different folks!