Brief background about the situation I am in. Awhile back, this muslim girl and I met through some muslim website. She is the one who initiated the talk with me, which seems like a lie to many of you, but that is the truth. Anyway, i didn't see anything wrong with that at that time. But as time progressed, we talked and things changed. Feelings changed i guess. And you probably had many cases like this as you know what happened. Problem is, I told her this is wrong and i dont feel comfortable. She and I reside in same country, but live in very far. Her parents did find out and told her twice to stop talking to me and since I couldn't bring myself up to say no to her because I was considering her feelings and what she might do and I wasn't even sure if i was in love with her or not. So i told her to stop talking to me its for the best...but there was uncertainity in how i reponsded to her. I made dua to Allah swt to somehow help me with this because we did say haraam stuff to each other and I should've stopped early, but i failed to. Our intention from the beginning was to get married. But due to circumstances, we cannot. Or Rather I don't want to because i am not even sure if i "loved" her or even liked her in the begining. I was being nice and kind and she i suppose interpeted that as "love" . I felt horrible for that, so i didn't mention anything, i hoped it would disappear on its own. I tried not to email her or anythign and then she would end up crying anad I would feel bad and reply and make up an excuse.
Her parents found out recently she is STILL talking to me somehow, since this girl was banned from using computer or any other resource to have communication with me! I told her many times don't disobey your parents! Maybe they are right, what we are doing is wrong!! lets stop but she refused and yeah. Now, her parents are literally sending her back home *btw this girl is not paki nor arab* just so you know for any stereotypes out there. So, she somehow again found a way to email me and saying she is leaving home and wants to marry me no matter what. I told her your running away, i dont like that or anything , i told her long time ago about it. but she says, she won't be happy or anything without me, i told her let me talk to her parents, also long ago. but her parents refused to talk to me. She says, they wont give me a chance so his dad is being "unislamic". and i told her, what we did was also unislamic ....so he still holds his right. I feel very bad, i should've said something earlier about this, i did, but not with enough effort!! She will be flying her literaelly soon!! and I did everything nicely as i could to stop her, attempting to stop her that is.
i dont know what to do anymore! i know my mom wont accept her doing this at all. shes literally running away and i dont like it either!! her parents will be devasted! she says they have hurt her emotionally that is, by not trusting her and saying stuff to her. and i told her, u lied well we lied basically so we deserve this. and we should just stop, but shes saying she loves me and her life is or will be ruined if she doesn't do this. i am not sure what to do, sometimes i think, maybe i should let her do this since it is my fault, maybe her life WILL be ruined or not.
please help, i know the sin we had committed but i have been trying to fix things...i dont know what to do . i dont want her to ditch her parents, no i dont. i know and understand how painful that is, for the mother especially! she doesnt seem to understand it!! i tried so many times!! but the attempt wasn't good i guess.
i dont think this is love at all, its shai'taan and its getting way too far now!! if i dont tell her my address or anything, she will eventually figure it out. So I dont know what to do!! please advise me!! if i say , i hate her ? will that stop her from leaving? i dont know what to do!! i told her let me talk to her parents!! but she says they might kill her or something so im like okay i wont. now i have no idea what to do!!
First of all you have to be sure what do you fell ?
Do you love her or not ?
That is the fisrt steep, think about it after we can talk insha'allah.
Because I am nearly in the same situation of yours, but I am sure I love her and I want to marry her insh'allah.
But my situation its my parents don't want to meet here and they do not want me to marry her because she is not arabic, what a stupid things no ????
I am in very hard situation, I do not want to stay in this situation all my life, but I do not want to be in trouble with my parents and my sisters and brother, because they are all against me.
That is when tradition are above the religion.
I ask allah SWT to give you the strengh, and help you insha'allah, ameen.
You should tell her that you don't like her and you don't intend to marry her ever. Tell her that what you did in the past was a mistake and you wish to never repeat it again. Talk to her parents, not for her hand in marriage, but to warn them of her intentions.
But, before you do that, know her situation. For if she has left home already, returning might be a tad bit too difficult. In that case explain the situation to your parents and beg them to deal with it. i.e. Take the girl back to her home or contact her parents so they can come over and take her away.
I don't understand how "she will eventually figure it out"... The address, that is. How much personal detail did you give her exactly?
I was reading your post but didn't know what to say. I'd say go with sis Ruler on this. If you are unsure about liking her, it most likely means you don't...and dont worry about hurting her because at least hopefully she won't take such a big step in leaving her home. She obviously thinks you like her which is probably why she's talking that way...
You should tell her in all honesty that there is no real respect for her in running away from home, especially from her parents. Ultimately it's her family she would one day return to or look back to when she ever needed help, not outsiders.
Last edited by Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн; 08-03-2009 at 06:16 PM.
*Without Allah, without Islam, life would be meaningless. If I've ever learned patience, it's because of this. Alhamdulillah...*
As for the mercy of Allah SWT, repent and ask for forgiveness. You're mind is bogged down on practical problems but inshaAllah repentence and seeking forgiveness from Allah will make the practical situation easier for you.
I don't know if i like her or not, I really don't know. I gave myself a lot of time, i still don't know. But, what i do know is that she is making a big mistake, by running away from her parents house. i don't agree with it at all, no matter what. Parents should be involved and my parents, or rather my mom will not accept her for doing this. She won't. If i tell her, don't run away, maybe its best this way for us. Because we did commit a sin and her dad has every right to make her not talk to me. how can she say her dad is being unislamic when or how we communicated was also un islamic?! what do i do?! she didn't leave her home yet. She plans to..in coming days!
So i need to respond to her email asap.
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What if she leaves her home?! Then what do i do?! I am being held responsible for it! i am making dua! i havent talked to her over 2 months and now she emails me saying this! I dont want her to run away . and I suppose you are right. It was not love, or watever it was. if i dont reply, she might come here...then its all over. i dont want her to run away at all.
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Tell her to respect you by stopping contact, it is your imaan that will be at risk and that you are going away for two weeks. I suggest if you can go somewhere anonymous then to do so, read Qur'an and ask for the situation to stop. I suspect that she will not come and that its emotional blackmail, however if you are getting so worried perhaps you should confess to someone and tell them you made mistake and deeply regret it.
"O ye who belive! Endure, outdo all others in endurance, be ready, and observe your duty to Allah, in order that you may succeed"
Your doubts don't seem like the doubts of a man in love. You're simply blinded by the problem. You can't see the cap, nor the tail. Reply to her e-mail telling her that coming to see you would be fruitless as you don't intend to marry her blah blah... Refer to my previous post.
Tell her to respect you by stopping contact, it is your imaan that will be at risk and that you are going away for two weeks. I suggest if you can go somewhere anonymous then to do so, read Qur'an and ask for the situation to stop. I suspect that she will not come and that its emotional blackmail, however if you are getting so worried perhaps you should confess to someone and tell them you made mistake and deeply regret it.
I suppose that is proper for me to say. She wants me to pick her up by the airport if she comes her, if i don't she will go to the city i live and somehow look me up and come to the house. This is too far, shes going way too far. i told her if we should get married, it should be done properly. i just make dua for her to stop from doing all of this and allah swt guide her?
format_quote Originally Posted by The Ruler
Your doubts don't seem like the doubts of a man in love. You're simply blinded by the problem. You can't see the cap, nor the tail. Reply to her e-mail telling her that coming to see you would be fruitless as you don't intend to marry her blah blah... Refer to my previous post.
I am just scared what if she kills herself if i say that?!
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Stories of happiness, struggles and pain
from soaring on thermals, to loving in vain
With eyes set to Allah for heavenly gain
heartbreaking farewells, never meeting again.
The toughest of love is pure when for others
we hurt for the sake of the souls of our brothers
we cry and releasing the gripping that smothers
our emaans increase when we let go of lovers.
The struggles and pain are a testing decree
when Haraam lusting is built up in thee
Though happiness earned on bended knee
through the tears of your heart, your soul is set free.
The sisters and brothers who earnestly cry
to drown out the whispering Devils who try
inviting to flames, fornicators fry
These Muslims are pure and their emaan is high.
So take it from one who has loved and released
that refraining from lust saves two from the beast,
that your love of Allah is bound to increase
when the pain feels like death but brings you peace.
Stories of happiness, struggles and pain
play out in our hearts with love and disdain
saying goodbye is like cutting a vein
but turning from Jannah is nought but insane.
Guard your soul brother, thats what it comes down to
"O ye who belive! Endure, outdo all others in endurance, be ready, and observe your duty to Allah, in order that you may succeed"
Bottom line is either just totally ignore her or go tell someone so its not a secret anymore, either way is hard but to lie is going to be damaging, if you really think that ignoring will not do the trick then speak to your parents. I hope things get better but I am going to stop posting in this thread as I dont want to lead you the wrong way. Honesty pays brother.
"O ye who belive! Endure, outdo all others in endurance, be ready, and observe your duty to Allah, in order that you may succeed"
I am just scared what if she kills herself if i say that?!
... Well, you won't be held responsible for that, I don't think.
But you'd have to face her and tell her to turn around and walk away anyway. It's better done via e-mail. It's easier, and there's a lesser risk of turning back.
Bro, I think you need to take charge and be authoritative. Don't be soft and ask or advise her. TELL her what to do. Tell her it's all over and it wasn't even a thing in the first place. I know its hard to be like that, but sometimes the situation calls for such responses.
It's perhaps one of the only few things that will work on her at this point. I'm not saying that you should be mean or anything like that, but take a stand and don't accept any no response to what you're telling her - no matter how much she cries. It's for the best, InshaAllah.
Thank you brother!! I shall!! I have or rather we have done enough sin as it is, and I want to repent for it. Its a good that i had stopped it before it got worse. but she is blinded from shai'taan. She claims that her life is ruined if she is not with me, and she doesn't want me to be with anyone else. She is even going far as to curse me, but Allah swt is the one in the end. I just don't understand for a girl like her to wear hijab properly to be this way!? I have to be straight up and take a stand. I will email her with that. thank you! please keep her in your dua i hope she doesn't do anything irrational!
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Brother if you think she may harm you somehow or make things difficult for you, read these du'a InshaAllah.
Allaahummak-fineehim bimaa shi'ta.
O Allah, suffice (i.e. protect) me against them however You wish.
Allaahumma laa sahla 'illaa maal ja'altahu sahlan wa 'Anta taj'alul-hazna 'ithaa shi'ta sahlan.
O Allah, there is no ease other than what You make easy. If You please You ease sorrow.
Allaahumma rahmataka 'arjoo falaa takilnee 'ilaa nafsee tarfata 'aynin, wa 'aslih lee sha'nee kullahu, laa'ilaaha 'illaa 'Anta.
O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment) . Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You.
Last edited by Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн; 08-04-2009 at 12:17 AM.
*Without Allah, without Islam, life would be meaningless. If I've ever learned patience, it's because of this. Alhamdulillah...*
Don't tell her you don't like her, because that may hurt her and she might kill herself and then you will be responsible for her death. You made her feel that you liked her when you talked to her and said haraam stuff to her, so whether you liked her or not, you are still responsible for the situation. this is a very sensitive issue as ppl in such circumstances do commit suicide. (i read about a 15 year old girl who killed herself when the guy she was talking to her first told her he liked her and then later told her he didn't and she was ugly etc.). So telling her you don't like her will not be the best thing to do.
What you can do is to explain to her that if she leaves home you will hate her as it is a wrong thing to do. Tell her that she should stay with her parents and stop talking to you. at the same time she should continue trying to convince her parents to let her marry you. But if she leaves home, then you will never marry her.
Do not reply to further emails except with the message, "I care about you but cannot talk to you as it will make matters worse. I will respond when your parents are willing to talk to me."
Do lots of duas that she will understand and doesn't do anything stupid.
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Peace and blessings
if i dont reply, she might come here...then its all over. i dont want her to run away at all.
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