Should she accept the proposal?

**Faye** · 08-10-2009

A sister who is 18, receives a proposal from a man who is 27. He suggests that they marry in 2 years, after she finishes her studies. The man is acceptable to her and her parents in all other ways. But they have a 9 year gap between their ages. What are your comments/suggestions? Should she accept?

**aadil77** · 08-10-2009

2 years is a long time brother, fitna may arise during this period. Why can't you marry now and let her study as well? Age gaps aren't a problem in islam unless you feel that is an issue, if you think she has the qualities of a good wife then go for it

**nebula** · 08-10-2009

yeah ^ i agree with the brother, get ur nikkah done and then u can carry on studying. its perfectly fine to marry him even if there is a age gap of 9 years its not a big deal unless you feel that it might cause a barrier of some sort. you'll be getting a mature brother hopfully.

**S_87** · 08-10-2009

maybe they could just do the nikah so they could get to know each other in the two years?
the 9 year gap..some like older some like younger, if the sister is fine with it then thats fine

**Banu_Hashim** · 08-10-2009

my aunt was 18 when she married someone 11 years older than her. It's only a big deal if you make it out to be.

**alcurad** · 08-10-2009

hmm, first thing is that he's going to become older than her are faster, this is an obvious thing but to put it into perspective; a man needs a woman less as he ages, attraction to one's spouse is essential at least from the start, it's an issue to consider at least.

also there might be a generational gap, so they will have to work on that bit too. what do they share? what can they easily talk about? does she want/need to work now/later? he will retire a bit earlier than her, what about the kids then?

the younger sister will also might not have someone to generally play around with that much, I mean be immature with, younger couples grow up together, and while marriage requires maturity the age difference might factor in more quickly. so the bro will have to be more considerate of that, again it's a 'might', the prophet was much older than Aishah yet asked her about her dolls, raced with her etc. not that a 21 old would have that many dolls ^, but you get the idea.

in the end, she needs to keep in mind the reasons she wishes to marry-anyone- is it love, money, security etc? and he should too. all marriages are difficult, not that I'm married myself :/, so there will always be things to deal with.

to keep a marriage ongoing both need to be able to communicate well, and personally to keep in mind the reasons they married in the first place, the good moments and all that, this is general advice, as remember, marriage is a continuous process, you don't marry and that's just it.
but of course it's not so bad either, well anyway, long story short she should accept if she is ok with him and he with her. all the best to him and her too

**Ar-RaYYan** · 08-10-2009

Originally Posted by amani

maybe they could just do the nikah so they could get to know each other in the two years?the 9 year gap..some like older some like younger, if the sister is fine with it then thats fine

Thats what i was going to suggest as well. they could do the nikkah now and inshallah when the sister has finished her studies they could have the wedding. I have seen a lot of muslims prefering this arrangement. As for the age gap like the others have said it matters if you make a big deal out of it

**UmmSqueakster** · 08-10-2009

From my observations, men mature more slowly than women, so with a 9 year age gap, they should be just just about on the same wave length maturity wise

Ok, in all seriousness, AbuS is 4 years older than me and that works out just fine. It was more of a pronounced difference when we were younger - I was 20 and he was 24 when we met - but now that I'm in my late 20s and he's in his early 30s, we're just about even.

I'd say there is a big gap between an 18 year old and a 27 year old. Women mature a lot in their late teens and early 20s as they transition out of childhood and relying on their parents into independance and adulthood. Going to college will help a lot. It will be less pronounced when she hits 20 and inshaAllah they'll even out as the years go on.

**NoorInaya** · 08-10-2009

Asalaamu Alaikam,

My dad was 15 (nearly 16) years older than my mom, and they had no issues at all relating to age. In fact, my mom would often joke that the age gap made them "almost at the same level of maturity!"

Generational gaps can occur, that is for sure, and I think that we feel it now more-so today than at any other time (it seems that just people 5 years younger than me are sooo much different!). Not only would it be essential for the brother to be understanding of the fact that she's younger, but she should be equally understanding of the fact that he's older. Maturity levels should be taken into consideration; some 18 yr olds act more like 12 yr olds, while others act more like 28 yr olds. Same can be said of the brother's age. You get the picture.

There are much bigger issues than age, but I know that we tend to get hung up on the age issue. Iman is what should matter most; are they both good practicing Muslims?

If the two are compatible, then I also encourage that they go ahead and get the nikkah done. But they should bear in mind that this is not like an "engagement without restrictions." They will be married to one another. they should only get the nikkah if they are sure that they want to be married (I say this because in some Muslim cultures, it's becoming a practice to have nikkah performed, and then a couple of years down the road, when the couple are about to actually live together, they decide that they would rather not be married, and they look at the time that they were married as only being "engaged." Some even refer to their spouse as being their "fiance." This is wrong.).

wasalaamz,

**Faye** · 08-10-2009

Thanks everybody for your opinions and replies.

**Somaiyah** · 08-11-2009

Salam,
Age has nothing to do with love and marriage. 9 years is nothing. Two persons with 1 year difference can have a worse marriage than two persons with 10 years difference. It doesn't matter.

**Allaah Knows** · 08-11-2009

Salaam,

Advise them to do istikhaarah if they haven't already.

As for my comments on the age gap, like the sister above said, 9 years is nothing. Infact, I think it is even better. wAllaahu a'lam.