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help to save my marraige

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    jeamma's Avatar Limited Member
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    Unhappy help to save my marraige

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    My husband continually committed zina with a Christian woman (who did not know that he was married) and now she is pregnant with his child. He says he still loves her although they do not see each other any more as she has now returned to her home country. He blames me for his actions because he says he was lonely and his love for me diminished. Much of the time I was working a professional full-time and a part-time job to support both of us (I supported him through undergrad as well as graduate school, paid his apartment rent and mine (we lived in different cities due to his choice of graduate school). I tried to make time to see him whenever I could. I still love him and am not willing to give up on the marraige (I converted to Islam after we married). The other woman wants to be with him as well and says he will have no access to his illegitimate child unless my husband divorces me and marries her (she is not willing to convert to Islam). At this point he is very confused and has asked an imam to pray for him and come to a solution for him. My husband says the decision will come to the imam from God in the form of a dream. My husband has asked the imam to find out through this dream who will be the best wife for him in the future and who the best person will be to keep him from committing zina again. I want to be with him still because I feel deep down he really still loves me and I feel when my husband married me he made a committment to me and we should try to work things out. My husband says if God decides that he should stay with me, he will give every effort to try to work things out. I feel this is the best solution. Do you think I am correct?
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    Muslim Woman's Avatar Super Moderator
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    Re: help to save my marraige



    He committed zina and he is not repented but blaming u ?

    Sis , what's wrong with u ? Why u are waiting for his decision ? U must not continue your life with a sinner .
    help to save my marraige

    Christ will never be proud to reject to be a slave to God .....holy Quran, chapter Women , 4: 172

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    mathematician's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    I am a man so maybe it's different with us, but if my wife committed zina I would divorce her the next day. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever to commit zina.
    Your husband is being very immature in blaming you. I am not surprised because he feels guilty. But that's what happens when you commit this disgusting sin.

    Your husband's statement that "My husband says the decision will come to the imam from God in the form of a dream" is simply false. Your husband has created this mess and now it is up to him to fix it.

    If even after he committed zina you feel that deep down he still really loves you then what can I say? This is so common among women. Why is it that you feel he loves you when he went ahead and committed this disgusting sin fully aware of his actions? Why? Why? Why? Why women?
    Seriously sister. Come to your senses and live in the real world.
    Perhaps you fear a life of living alone, so that's why you want to stick by your husband's side. If that's the case, then good luck with this marriage that you want to stay in. The old saying "once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater" tends to be true sometimes.
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    markislam's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    just divorce him you can find many other good men, he is blaming everything on you.
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    Najm's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

    His not repenting having commited zina? and his blaming you?

    ....Let him go

    FiAmaaniAllah
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    format_quote Originally Posted by jeamma View Post
    My husband continually committed zina with a Christian woman (who did not know that he was married) and now she is pregnant with his child. He says he still loves her although they do not see each other any more as she has now returned to her home country. He blames me for his actions because he says he was lonely and his love for me diminished. Much of the time I was working a professional full-time and a part-time job to support both of us (I supported him through undergrad as well as graduate school, paid his apartment rent and mine (we lived in different cities due to his choice of graduate school). I tried to make time to see him whenever I could. I still love him and am not willing to give up on the marraige (I converted to Islam after we married). The other woman wants to be with him as well and says he will have no access to his illegitimate child unless my husband divorces me and marries her (she is not willing to convert to Islam). At this point he is very confused and has asked an imam to pray for him and come to a solution for him. My husband says the decision will come to the imam from God in the form of a dream. My husband has asked the imam to find out through this dream who will be the best wife for him in the future and who the best person will be to keep him from committing zina again. I want to be with him still because I feel deep down he really still loves me and I feel when my husband married me he made a committment to me and we should try to work things out. My husband says if God decides that he should stay with me, he will give every effort to try to work things out. I feel this is the best solution. Do you think I am correct?
    ohh my dear sister my prayers are with you. everything he is tellling you is lies! a qualified imam would not say this to a cheating husband..if he did he is supporting the fact he commited zina on his wife and he's blaming you for it i really feel you should talk with a scholar yourself and more then likely he will tell you to divorce him as it is the biggest sin in islam and no wife deserves this and even more so to the fact he got this woman pregnant makes it all the worse. there is nothing to compromise on as this woman will not revert and i doubt she will be as a second wife to him so divorce is needed. i am so sorry this happened to you.
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    format_quote Originally Posted by jeamma View Post
    My husband continually committed zina with a Christian woman (who did not know that he was married) and now she is pregnant with his child. He says he still loves her although they do not see each other any more as she has now returned to her home country. He blames me for his actions because he says he was lonely and his love for me diminished. Much of the time I was working a professional full-time and a part-time job to support both of us (I supported him through undergrad as well as graduate school, paid his apartment rent and mine (we lived in different cities due to his choice of graduate school). I tried to make time to see him whenever I could. I still love him and am not willing to give up on the marraige (I converted to Islam after we married). The other woman wants to be with him as well and says he will have no access to his illegitimate child unless my husband divorces me and marries her (she is not willing to convert to Islam). At this point he is very confused and has asked an imam to pray for him and come to a solution for him. My husband says the decision will come to the imam from God in the form of a dream. My husband has asked the imam to find out through this dream who will be the best wife for him in the future and who the best person will be to keep him from committing zina again. I want to be with him still because I feel deep down he really still loves me and I feel when my husband married me he made a committment to me and we should try to work things out. My husband says if God decides that he should stay with me, he will give every effort to try to work things out. I feel this is the best solution. Do you think I am correct?


    Sister Jeamma,

    Hope all is well with you. Honestly, what he did is completely wrong and doesn't make sense. You both have commitments with each other after marriage, your husband is something wrong deeply in his lack of quantity and absurd asking Imam for God's permission?. His excuses increased.

    You know in Islam, every individual always ask God in between You and God, not third person Imam including. There is no point for other woman converting to Islam since he is a womanizing and damage his own souls, I think. What a shame he is.

    Allah DOESN'T accept his mischief actions unless he seriously repent. He is the one should BLAME himself. My advice is I understand your situation and don't want to hurt your feelings. It looks like he love other woman more than you under marriage. What does that mean? Leave him immediately. Don't waste your time. It is up to you.
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    Sampharo's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    Sister,

    Your message seems to be a tad familiar when it comes to being "still in love with my abusive husband" examples, yet is a bit too clear I think if you reread what you yourself wrote, and break it down:

    1- You worked full time and another part-time job to support HIM.
    2- He went and commited zina so many times over, they got pregnant.
    3- He has the unbelievable audacity to blame you for it.
    4- He makes up a bull story about getting an imam to decide for him!!!!!!!!
    5- He is expecting God to send divine inspiration to a prayer leader in order to tell the adulterous husband (who in Islam since he confessed to you, should be punished by stoning!) which path he should go:
    a) neglect his unborn child and go back to you after holding you responsible for his crime and therefore will spend the rest of your life abusing you in every way.
    b) Go out of Islam to be with a non-muslim woman after using you for a meal-ticket for such a long time.

    My sister, wake up before Jerry Springer comes knocking on your door! You are not responsible for this situation, but by God you are responsible to yourself not to sink yourself in such evil.

    There is no such thing as an Imam getting a dream as inspiration from God on what to do. No prayer leader would suggest that. One of two things, either it is a complete lie from your husband that is clear to buy some time, and therefore you now know he's only manipulating you (Maybe later says God was the one who decided for him to go with the christian woman and have the boldness to tell you that God thinks you're not good enough or something!!!) . Or, the imam is running a mini-cult and your husband is rediculously falling for it, in which case it is clear that your husband will live his life with stupidity and lack of judgement, never becoming a good husband.

    Let his moochiness stick with his new found sinful non-muslim adultery partner, and cleanse yourself from all this. Thank God he's having the illegitimate child with her and not you. And demand your immediate and unconditional divorce, insisting that this imam carries out the divorce if he refuses since he has confessed to the imam of his grave sin.

    If you continue your life in such circumstances then you choose to comprise your life of such deviance, sister.

    May God grant you guidance.
    Last edited by Sampharo; 08-31-2009 at 06:10 PM.
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    cat eyes's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    format_quote Originally Posted by Sampharo View Post
    Sister,

    Your message seems to be a tad familiar when it comes to being "still in love with my abusive husband" examples, yet is a bit too clear I think if you reread what you yourself wrote, and break it down:

    1- You worked full time and another part-time job to support HIM.
    2- He went and commited zina so many times over, they got pregnant.
    3- He has the unbelievable audacity to blame you for it.
    4- He makes up a bull story about getting an imam to decide for him!!!!!!!!
    5- He is expecting God to send divine inspiration to a prayer leader in order to tell the adulterous husband (who in Islam since he confessed to you, should be punished by stoning!) which path he should go:
    a) neglect his unborn child and go back to you after holding you responsible for his crime and therefore will spend the rest of your life abusing you in every way.
    b) Go out of Islam to be with a non-muslim woman after using you for a meal-ticket for such a long time.

    My sister, wake up before Jerry Springer comes knocking on your door! You are not responsible for this situation, but by God you are responsible to yourself not to sink yourself in such evil.

    There is no such thing as an Imam getting a dream as inspiration from God on what to do. No prayer leader would suggest that. One of two things, either it is a complete lie from your husband that is clear to buy some time, and therefore you now know he's only manipulating you (Maybe later says God was the one who decided for him to go with the christian woman and have the boldness to tell you that God thinks you're not good enough or something!!!) . Or, the imam is running a mini-cult and your husband is rediculously falling for it, in which case it is clear that your husband will live his life with stupidity and lack of judgement, never becoming a good husband.

    Let his moochiness stick with his new found sinful non-muslim adultery partner, and cleanse yourself from all this. Thank God he's having the illegitimate child with her and not you. And demand your immediate and unconditional divorce, insisting that this imam carries out the divorce if he refuses since he has confessed to the imam of his grave sin.

    If you continue your life in such circumstances then you choose to comprise your life of such deviance, sister.

    May God grant you guidance.
    mashallaah good advice for the sister. Alhamdulilah sister Allah has helped you in so many ways do you know why because some many husbands are cheating on there wife and there poor wife has no clue of there dirty work and even get these women pregnant..still wife has no clue even these men have the gal to marry these women in secret.. Alhamdulilah you know everything and now its time to get out... Allah has other plans for you obviously!! your prince and soul mate is waiting somewhere just be strong and trust on Allah swt! take all your worries off your shoulders and give them to Allah to deal with.. this guy is not worth it. he proved himself to you he is no good
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    markislam's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    Sister from the post it looks like you converted to Islam for your husband, and i believe your parents were opposed to it, but you went ahead. and now you are ashamed to face your family because of this.

    Sister let me tell you you have one life dont waste it for this guy.

    Leave this guy i know it is hard but just do it.
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    format_quote Originally Posted by markislam View Post
    Sister from the post it looks like you converted to Islam for your husband, and i believe your parents were opposed to it, but you went ahead. and now you are ashamed to face your family because of this.

    Sister let me tell you you have one life dont waste it for this guy.

    Leave this guy i know it is hard but just do it.
    mark i don't think we are on that position to say that she came in to islam for the sake of somebody else.. we don't know that. if we can say that about this sister we would be saying about every revert on this earth. this man was the key to her finding islam. but its clear to see that this man had lack of knowledge and ignorance to teach her islam first before marriage to her so she discovered at a late time and Alhamdulilah she is a revert now. and she is discovering this man is no good now only, thats what i think is happening. i am sure the sister has strong iman or else she would not have come to this forum asking advice from her brothers and sisters.
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    markislam's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    I am with you sister on this i agree



    format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes View Post
    mark i don't think we are on that position to say that she came in to islam for the sake of somebody else.. we don't know that. if we can say that about this sister we would be saying about every revert on this earth. this man was the key to her finding islam. but its clear to see that this man had lack of knowledge and ignorance to teach her islam first before marriage to her so she discovered at a late time and Alhamdulilah she is a revert now. and she is discovering this man is no good now only, thats what i think is happening. i am sure the sister has strong iman or else she would not have come to this forum asking advice from her brothers and sisters.
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    What an ungratefull little erm you know what I wanna say next, you did all of that for him and this is how he repays you??? and then he blames it on you what a coward, people should accept responsibility for their actions and not say

    "oh I did it because of so and so it's their fault"

    that's cowardly in my opinion, he's the 1 that made the decision to cheat on you, how are you responsible for his decisions?

    get rid of the ungratefull **** and the bit about the imam is a load of rubbish

    if he was remorsefull and asked for forgivness then just maybe i'd consider giving it another shot, but he's blaming you and not even saying sorry I made a mistake I shouldn't have done it. Instead he's pointing the gun at you and saying it's your fault, what a stupid person.
    Last edited by Salahudeen; 08-31-2009 at 08:47 PM.
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    format_quote Originally Posted by jeamma View Post
    Much of the time I was working a professional full-time and a part-time job to support both of us (I supported him through undergrad as well as graduate school, paid his apartment rent and mine (we lived in different cities due to his choice of graduate school).


    Sis i should first salute you for your effort.Shame on him for not realising what a great person you are and cheating on u.

    My husband says if God decides that he should stay with me, he will give every effort to try to work things out. I feel this is the best solution. Do you think I am correct?
    Ask him , Hasnt god created humans with freewill ? doesnt he know if he wants to live with you or not ? .Ask him frankly that doesn't he fear the wrath of god by commiting all these things.Ask him that all these years of love shown by you will be for waste ?.

    Men can be so weird sometimes. :|

    Take care sis.
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    I feel sad and angry for you sis. This spineless man you call your husband is a snake who bit the hand that fed him. You are worth more than he has shown appreciation for and you deserve miles better. Would you want your sister to love a man who has treated her so badly? You wouldn't sis. We are suppose to love for the sake of Allah, and Allah loves good things. This man has done nothing good and has no good qualities to love about him. Please don't waste your life on him.

    In fact acording to Islamic Law, divorce becomes obligatory, if the husband/wife does not repent..

    In Islamic law, Ibn Tamiyah said, "If a wife commits adultery, it is not for the husband to keep her. Otherwise he is considered a cuckold." Similarly if the husband is neither righteous or upright concerning religion, it is obligatoryfor the wife to ask for divorce, or seperate from by release against renumeration (Khul). (A Summary of Islamic Jurisprudence: Vol 2 - Divorce)
    As for your question, it should be clear, on one hand, that repentance wipes out all sins, major or minor, as long as a person does not associate other partners in worship with Allah. Allah says in the Qur'an: "Say: 'O My Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful'" (Az-Zumar: 53). Therefore, the gate to repentance is wide open for all people who committed sins, including adultery.

    On the other hand, a Muslim husband or wife is not permitted to maintain the marital life with an adulterous spouse unless the latter sincerely repents and becomes a good Muslim.

    Responding to your question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada states:

    "Adultery is one of the most heinous of sins in Islam. No Muslim is permitted to cohabit with a spouse who has committed such a heinous sin. Allah says, "Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision." (An-Nur: 26) Therefore, to cohabit with a person who is committing adultery is sinful. It is repugnant to one's Islamic sense and sound nature.

    If the adultery of a spouse is proven or there is a confession, the spouses must immediately separate their beds. However, divorce does not follow automatically. For divorce to take place, it must be pronounced or committed in writing.

    If the wife has sincerely repented and the husband is convinced of it, then he is permitted to keep the marriage. However, if there is no sign of repentance, then it is not permitted for a Muslim to keep such a wife or a husband, as the case may be."
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    Re: help to save my marraige



    format_quote Originally Posted by mathematician View Post
    .. if my wife committed zina I would divorce her the next day. .
    Yes , I guess it's normal in this world . When wife commits any mistake , no one is ready to forgive her. But if a man commits a major sin , it's his wife's fault why he did so.

    Sis jeamma ,ask your husband what could be his reaction if u were pregnant by another guy.

    I guess , he asked the Imam to offer Isthekhara salat . It can be done by any Muslim . But it should be done for a valid / lawful reason.
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    format_quote Originally Posted by Muslim Woman View Post


    Yes , I guess it's normal in this world . When wife commits any mistake , no one is ready to forgive her. But if a man commits a major sin , it's his wife's fault why he did so.
    stop it with the male bashing here, there is no double standard in how islam interprets zina.

    the sister should divorce her husband right away. the only way i see the sister being at fault is that she, seemingly, lets him manipulate her. there is no excuse for zina especially when you are married. it especially grinds my gears to hear a muslim male doing this when some of us cannot find a wife at all.

    i would divorce a woman immediately as well if i found out she cheated on me. there is wisdom in the hudood here also.
    Last edited by convert; 09-01-2009 at 03:38 AM.
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  22. #18
    Muslim Woman's Avatar Super Moderator
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    Re: help to save my marraige



    format_quote Originally Posted by convert View Post
    stop it with the male bashing here,
    I had no intention to bash males . I just described what is common in this world.

    I heard many stories where husbands were guilty and wives forgave them ; also people did not react negatively by saying that it's normal for men to do so . So far , I only heard 3 maximum 4 incidents where husbands forgave wives.
    help to save my marraige

    Christ will never be proud to reject to be a slave to God .....holy Quran, chapter Women , 4: 172

    recitation:http://quran.jalisi.com
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    markislam's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    there are all 2 females to every male and you could not find a wife ?



    format_quote Originally Posted by convert View Post
    stop it with the male bashing here, there is no double standard in how islam interprets zina.

    the sister should divorce her husband right away. the only way i see the sister being at fault is that she, seemingly, lets him manipulate her. there is no excuse for zina especially when you are married. it especially grinds my gears to hear a muslim male doing this when some of us cannot find a wife at all.

    i would divorce a woman immediately as well if i found out she cheated on me. there is wisdom in the hudood here also.
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    Re: help to save my marraige

    format_quote Originally Posted by markislam View Post
    there are all 2 females to every male and you could not find a wife ?
    things i have going against me it seems:

    1. i am a convert
    2. i am white
    3. i have a full beard
    4. i wear sunnah clothing on occasion
    5. i am a white convert

    but that is besides the point

    format_quote Originally Posted by Muslim Woman View Post

    I had no intention to bash males . I just described what is common in this world.

    I heard many stories where husbands were guilty and wives forgave them ; also people did not react negatively by saying that it's normal for men to do so . So far , I only heard 3 maximum 4 incidents where husbands forgave wives.


    perhaps women can take it easier if their husband has been with another woman since Allah has allowed up to 4 wives anyway. the thought of my wife being with another man is enough for me to never want to see her ever again.
    Last edited by convert; 09-01-2009 at 10:58 AM.
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