i am finding myself going in circles lately with this question, to which i am trying to derive a rightness. i think it is fair that women (and men too) wish to be married from a young age and therefore continue to think of marriage fondly as they get older and eventually do marry, but this only seems entirely appropriate if you (as a woman or man) are willing still to accept that you are not prepared to get married until you find someone you would like to marry, after which you may then begin to actually want it actively. if however you meet a woman who wants to get married anyway, as she has since she was very young, and then you marry her, how can you be sure that she would not have married another man had he been there first and proposed it? i mean, how do you know she wants to marry you, and not just that she wants to marry? is it right, in the way of morality and in the eyes of Allah, then, to marry just because you want to be married? the marriage could be very loving and successful, but does no one else experience an absence of certainty? speaking personally i would like to be married, but i would not marry until i found someone i wanted to marry; is that inappropriate? i feel it is placing more importance on love than marriage, but is love not the foundation of good marriage?
Love is indeed the foundation of a good marriage!
but it needs to be constituted in other tangible traits 'compatibility' amongst other things and directionality.. just so you can have a happy, solid journey since it is a life time endeavor...
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yes i agree, but what constitutes for compatibility when you are unaware as to whether or not your spouse would have accepted another person's request to marry? i am saying specifically for example when one says they want to get married, are they saying they want to get married, or that they want to get married to you? wouldn't it make sense to prefer marriage with someone who prior to meeting you, did not want to marry, simply because they had not yet found someone they wanted to marry? it seems to me like many people just want to get married, and they marry whomever is up to the task, providing only that said person shares in their religion and has too been wanting to get married for a long time. i am sorry if this is inarticulate, i feel i may need to think of a way to rephrase this so that it makes sense.
Marriage is something that nearly everyone requires so at some stage in their life they're going to be actively searching for it by looking for a an appropriate partner. If they think it happens to be you, and you meet their requirements then Alhamdulilah, but everyone's different no two people are exactly the same just because one person doesn't want to marry you doesn't mean every1 won't want to marry you.
When I say I want to get married it's general there's no specific 1 person in mind because I haven't met anyone yet, but if I did meet someone then I would say "I want to get married to so and so"
i am certainly not suggesting that women who wish to get married are prone to marrying immediately upon finding someone who is willing, but rather that the pre-established desire for marriage can possibly make askew your choice of partner. do we not agree that the primary importance should be placed upon who you marry, as opposed to that you marry? that is the clearer version of my question.
do we not agree that the primary importance should be placed upon who you marry, as opposed to that you marry? that is the clearer version of my question.
i understand what your saying. you want to wait for some one to come to you but then you believe that if that person came to you its because she is desperate to marry only and she cannot find anyone who would be more suited to her or she did find that suitable person but she was rejected from him so she choose you because of being impatient. no thats a wrong type of thinking to have brother. yes there is girls out there. they waist the life searching for the perfect man and then settle for anybody. its true that women rush into a marriage with a man after being rejected by another man whom they really build there hopes on. but look at this way. Allah makes your destiny and if your not mean't to be with somebody, you won't be and if you are mean't to be with somebody, you will be. Allah knows best. but instead of waiting for things to come to us believing that Allah will help you, you have to help yourself first then Allah will do the rest brother.
Agree. I guess when you meet a potential, its a personal thing on how you judge their responses, and what you think of them and their intentions - nobody else can judge that?
And maybe you want to genuinely marry this potential girl because you like what you see and know, and your heart agrees, so you do marry her, BUT in reality deep down she jus 'wanted to get married' so when you said i want to marry you, she said 'oh okay then!' - but (in my opinion) so long as you don't delve into the matter SO much - its not really 'as' important as to 'why' she married you - so long as you're happy with each other when you've met - as being shown love can bring about love - and 10 days later the girl could be head over heels for you because of the interest you've displayed to her.
i strongly believe men have an ability to turn a girls heart if they do it 'correctly' so to speak..
And i dont think its necessarily incorrect for the girl to marry you, or any other potential - because maybe for her, you or the other potential are quite similar - she only knows basic info about the both of you, and shes perfectly fine with it. But at the end of the day you have to think that its Allah swt who's brought you together/or not if you do end up - considering you've prayed your istikhara etc to help with your decision.
if that makes sense!
But i agree to the extent that when meeting a potential (As a girl) - i'd really have to think the guys REALLY REALLY interested before taking it any further.. if he acted like he didnt care and looking at potentials moving from one to the next and doesnt really seem bothered.. i really would drop it altogether.
Wallahualam! think its all a very personal thing. Insha Allah everyone will find their match!
i also believe the brother is going to deep into things. by your post you seem highly confused i can tell. if a girl is really interested in you and she really wants to marry you. never ask yourself why, it might be because no other man has spoken to her in a way you do or because your nature and religious committment is good then other guys she has met in past.
it might be she had bad experiences in life and she see's something special in you. this also dose happen for the reason the girl wants marriage straight away because she knows you are the ''one''. avoid suspicion and doubting. these are all from the shaytaan to put you off marriage and to hurt people. shaytaan seeks to confuse people with doubt and make them think on a deeper level which will destroy everything for you in this life. being insecure also makes the other person confused. be happy and don't be to suspicious
yes i agree, but what constitutes for compatibility when you are unaware as to whether or not your spouse would have accepted another person's request to marry?
i am saying specifically for example when one says they want to get married, are they saying they want to get married, or that they want to get married to you? wouldn't it make sense to prefer marriage with someone who prior to meeting you, did not want to marry, simply because they had not yet found someone they wanted to marry? it seems to me like many people just want to get married, and they marry whomever is up to the task, providing only that said person shares in their religion and has too been wanting to get married for a long time. i am sorry if this is inarticulate, i feel i may need to think of a way to rephrase this so that it makes sense.
I don't know if this particularly applies to women ( I haven't encountered women who accept any potential not to be sexist but have seen it in men, and was told about it, by a group of coptic girls back in undergrad.. they were discussing their propositions when they all realized that they had all been propositioned by the same gentleman caller bearing the exact same gifts.. (I thought it was hilarious) he wouldn't have minded anyone of them, although If I were him I would have focused on just one of them for sure she stood out above the rest.. but such is life for some.. With women, perhaps a coercion into accepting) would make them settle for that but it is usually a haja rw7anya .. it is the mating of the souls .. hence the term (soul mate) sometimes when you feel you are running out of time, you might forgo that or you might be coerced or you might even grow to like.. but most people seek a soul mate both men and women..
Perhaps 'love' as Freud suggested, is nothing more than a mere transference? you set up an ideal picture in your head.. which might not be the ideal by anyone's standards but your own and subconsciously, you seek that type of woman or that type of man and when found, you are convinced you are in love and it is usually based on several psychological and biological factors..which I shan't particularly dwell on here..
what you are saying makes sense in theory.. but theories don't always render true in real life.. To be quite blunt.. you have to make an executive decision on whether you can imagine yourself intimate with the person propositioning you, having them father your children, be your friend, confidante and champion so the biologically driven factor alone if we are to forgo all else, should play a major part in the decision of why this particular guy and not just any guy!
and Allah swt knows best
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
i have seen that sort of thing before too, Gossamer skye, what you've described that man doing. you're quite right, it's not applicable solely to women, but as i am not speaking from immediate personal experience, i'm sort of basing this from the point of view i have as an observer of it in other people whom i know, which in this instance is a female (who is married and is well and seems satisfied, as does her husband, but still they do not seem particularly satisfied in any way that they could not be with someone else). i suppose this is just a whole lot of over thinking, although still i find it quite irksome. anyway i always found freud to be laborious and smug in his theories =|
thank you for all the input everyone, i will reflect on all of this for the next several weeks i am sure. respect.
My personal belief is whatever the mode of how two people got together it is in the end kismet.. what was meant to be!...
I do believe some marriages are bad and that is why Allah swt allowed for divorce but surely everyone on whose path we cross is here to teach us something.. even if the lesson is painful and horrible and we feel we could have done without, ultimately it is what shapes our character and future choices for better...
I wouldn't deliberate too much at this stage.. I think you might make yourself worried and confused for a matter best left in the hands of Allah swt.. and in the end when you find the one that is meant for you, you might think this whole exercise unavailing?
Sort of like when you make yourself sick with worry of anticipation of a particular event, and it cascades in your mind to something insurmountable and when faced with it head on you realize that 90% of your fears and worries simply existed only in your head and had no bearing on the reality of things.. and that is an actual fact 95% of our worries or concerns are actually a product of our own imagination..
Those people you seek an example, have nothing to do with you, your choices or your life style, it is what they have chosen and what they are content with.. it isn't prudent to spend your time trying to make parallels of other people's alleged shortcomings to how they will translate into your own experience...
all the best insha'Allah
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
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