taking the leap of faith [marriage]

*sighs*
i really dont know where to start with this, but im just going to write down my thoughts and feelings for a minute. i fear marriage. i fear men and having to rely on men. i dare say, i hate men. no, im not a feminist, anything but. but why do i feel like this? becuase i have seen my mother put up with domestic for 27 yrs of her marriage becuase ive seen her getting beaten almost everyday . we had lived in discomfort, almost terror if you like becuase of a man. i dont even want to get into the details.
not to mention 2 of my sisters have had bad marriages. one is divorced, alhamdulillah. i dont like seeing my sister divorced but that guy was just low. 1st he spoke to my mum rudely, 2nd he didn't let my sister open the door for my dad when my dad went to visit my sister one time. why are men so insecure about their in-laws! so pathetic

i dont like talking abut very personal issues like this, but it is seriosuly killing me and i don't know who else to talk to

i know most Muslim men arent like that these days and that these habits are slowly fading out, alhamdulillah, i know it in my heart. but to take the leap of faith and to put your trust in a man is something on a whole new planet. its huge and it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. i know men dont beat up their wives, but there are other characteristics in them that i simply despise and that haven't faded out. most men marry women to cook, clean and to warm thier beds not to mention just for someone to obey them. i dont want to be used like this as im sure many other sisters dont. men just want marriage for themsleves, but i want marriage for me as well.
i dont want to lose my family and parents to please some idiot person who obviously lacks in character for having me to cut ties with my family. what kind of honorable person does that? i dont want to cook and clean for him becuase i am his maid, and that he is too lazy to do these things for himself. give me a break. i dont mind the cooking and cleaning per se, its his reasoning's behind it that makes me want to puke. im a human being not an animal. it annoys me how men want their wives to pamer, love them and give them attention, but its such a bad thing for that to reciprocated. a husband cant give his wife affection, because somehow she will become dominant over him

women have to put up with a husbands bad attitude and manners and being away from her family and all these other types of emotional problems because apparently a woman can handle these things better then men, and yet funnily you'll find the exact same men who say these things, will be more than happy to admit that women are the "crooked, emotional hormonal and deficient in the mind." i thought that very reasoning would be the very excuse for her to get away with murder, and yet it is the complete opposite.

i could go on, but i have to shut up as this post is already too long.

i dont want to lose my personality and who i am becuase i have to change for some man. i know compromise, etc is a must in marriage, and i would be willing to do that, but where i get walked all over and used and have my personality molded into something else that i dont even recognize is not what i call compromising. i want to be myself, even after marriage. im very content with who i am and i appreciate myself for who i am, so why cant anyone else? why do i have to change? why cant he like me the way i am?


so now the problem and question arises. if a man who has every other good quality, and i feel this is the main reasons for him to marry me, am i in the wrong for rejecting him? am i wrong in rejecting someone who wants someone to cook and clean for them. if there was some other choices, maybe it would be valid to reject men with these mentalities, but i dont have any choices, do i? its either get married to some fish, or its wait till im so old that no one will marry me. there seems to be no middle ground.

but then, even if i did ignore all those bad habits in him, and married him regadless of these bad habits he has, i will regret that i married someone like that later on.
also, what if i see all them good habits and forget his bad, important ones? i dont want my emotion to cloud my judgment.

now anyone reading this would think im a spoiled brat and that i should just accept anyone and that the sisters these days have been deluded by the west and it was better when we forced sisters into marriage and they couldn't speak up. im sorry, if you are someone who thinks like this, do me a favor and whack yourself across the head becuase if i was able to, im not sure that i wouldn't hesitate.

every time i hear that proposal comes, this is one of the reasons why i cringe. i will see the good sides he has, and the other sides im going to forget. i dont want to ignore my preferences and wants in a husband, but at the same time i fear im being too fussy and that no man will ever come who fulfills all my preferences. i know it sounds like i want perfection, but wallahi i dont. i just want someone who fulifls what i want. i dont ask for much, i just ask for sincerity and honesty and for him to be genuine and good treatment, but unfortunately most men dont give that out unless it is for thier own advantage. men are so obsessed with having the upper hand in the marriage, its the wife who always has to put up with it and get the bad end of the stick. im over it, and i dotn what my marriage to be like that.