married life is not as easy and fun as i thought it would be

**AnonymousPoster** · 01-09-2010

salams all, i got married 1 year ago, i knew my wife previously for almost 2 years. we were so into each other before getting married ect.. and decided we wanted to get married instead of hanging around and commiting sins we were both very serious about it, we both are very mature for our ages. married life has been ok 1st half of the year but now its so difficult and stressful. we decided to live in my family house with everyone after getting married to give it a go and c how everything goes cos we thought it would be rude just to leave and find our own place. afta all these months living together everything has changed my wife absolutly hates my family when i say family i mean everyone including mum n dad, the way they are, their habbits, and just everything. shes always just moaning about anything and everything. iv learnt to just shut up n not say anything and if i get really p'd off i just go out for a while. accoring to my wife she dont need me but i need her. we been talking about moving out past 3 months and have been looking bt nothing suitable is available because her expectations r so high i dnt blame her because she could afford it on her own if she wantd to, she has a gd job.

the thing is i dont know what to do. isit gonna get better? whats the point in being together if she will never accept my family? question like these are going through my head at the moment. i dnt feel happy and i know she dont either. there are times where we both are happy but sumthing happens and the mood goes crap again.

what do i do?????? i need advice

**Alpha Dude** · 01-09-2010

Wa alaykum salam,

Well, it seems the first thing that has to be done is to find your own place. InshaAllah with a bit of space and privacy, your wife will come to be more tolerant of your family.

It seems clear (from what you write) that she needs her own space and that is the issue which is causing the most strain in your lives. I'd say you need to guide her into lowering her expectations. I don't understand why she wouldn't already though, if she is so stressed at home as it is? Prompt her - what is more important, a harmonious marriage free from stress, or material things like aesthetics of a house? Even if she can't stand something that doesn't live up to her standards, why not accept something sub-par on a temp basis only, with the goal of moving as soon as you find something better?

**S_87** · 01-09-2010

do you think your wife has a point when she moans about your family or is she nit picking at minor things?

**- Qatada -** · 01-09-2010

First of all, welcome to marriage bro.

lol.

1) Nearly all marriages are like this.

2) If your parents don't mind, why not have some separation temporarily?

3) If you can't make them get along, then give them space so that atleast - they don't argue. Silence and no arguing is better than keeping them close and always arguing.

**cat eyes** · 01-09-2010

married couple should be living together alone and not with family. there will be always some misunderstandings and arguing thats natural. if u are working and she is working then the two of u should get apartment together if she dose not agree to this then ask her why is she moaning. you don't need to be afraid, you are the husband after all and the husband deserves respect. the two of you can go halves on the expenses of the flat/house or whatever you plan to rent. this is called compromising there is no other easy solution to this when money is tight on your part

**AnonymousPoster** · 01-09-2010

she does need space i agree she says her self she needs it because any room she goes into theres always some 1 there or some 1 to bother her so ends up staying in the bedroom. she does have a point when she moans about my family i can understand bcos shes used to how things were done in her mothers house, it could be equipment not working around the house, people not cleaning up after them self that sort of stuff. but its constant and now anythin small sets her off, she rerally has had enough of this house yeh. so yeh i think i will look for a place but the thing is am the type of person that can live anywhere as long as its reasonable i dnt have high expectations. but the other half wants to live in a nice area without chavs, off road parking nice size rooms n the house has to be perfect and to her standard and its likely to be expensive sumthing which i wont b able to afford bt shes hppy to pay her ways she says which will make feel like am not needed. i do tell her to go her mothers house for a couple of days just so we both can get space bt theres not much room there.
i now personally think when some 1 gets married they should have their own place straight away its so much healthy that way for everyone. right i think am gna get a place a.s.a.p and c how things go from there...

**Ibn Abi Ahmed** · 01-09-2010

Until you can find a space, take a vacation together far away. Fly out somewhere, relax and spend time with each other, i.e. spend some quality bonding time together away from family. Vacations are not a luxury, they're a necessity.

**Raaina** · 01-09-2010

You know, there is a big difference between getting on with your In law's and living with your in law's.

When I used to live with my ex, I got on with his parents extremely well, I used to go out places with them, take them shopping, they used to take me with them if they went out for the day. But it got to a point where, they were taking stuff for granted, like if they knew I was at home, they'd call and say please can you take us here, please can you get this for us and it started to get on my nerves. On my days off from uni, I used to go up to the campus just so they wouldn't keep hassling me all the time. My ex thought I was just being silly, but it was a real problem, I didn't like saying no to them, but I had other things to do then run around after them because they thought i was just at home and needed nothing better to do.

I suggest you both move out and have your own space, even if it's just for a couple of months, you could sign a 3 month contract and if your not happy you can both move and find somewhere else.

I'm sure she has nothing against your family, it's just hard for her if she needs her own space, she might feel like she has to behave a certain way around them and if she feels like she can't relax, that isn't going to help the situation at all.

Brother, I hope you get it sorted out soon. May Allah bless you both.

**S_87** · 01-09-2010

her going to her mums house a few days wont really help things in the long run, if her expectation towards a house is too high then tell her to compromise a little bit atleast, but in any case if she is earning then dont feel ashamed or unmanly if she is willing to pay half for the house. im assuming the house will be 'half hers' anyway so if that makes it easier and she can get the house you can both afford together then some space will inshaAllah really help you both.

**AnonymousPoster** · 01-09-2010

thank you for the advice everyone. i will b gettin a place soon and c how things go from there.

**glo** · 01-09-2010

Being newly married requires a period of getting know each other and growing as a couple. That is much easier done when you have privacy and space for and time with each other.

Hopefully things will get better when you two find your own place.

I wish you every blessing and happiness in your marriage!

**Cabdullahi** · 01-09-2010

You shoulda mooooved son! whats wrong with you staying with your family?!......you needed privacy for your marriage to blossom

but inshallah it should alright so long as u spend together time on your own

**CosmicPathos** · 01-09-2010

Originally Posted by cat eyes

married couple should be living together alone and not with family. there will be always some misunderstandings and arguing thats natural. if u are working and she is working then the two of u should get apartment together if she dose not agree to this then ask her why is she moaning. you don't need to be afraid, you are the husband after all and the husband deserves respect. the two of you can go halves on the expenses of the flat/house or whatever you plan to rent. this is called compromising there is no other easy solution to this when money is tight on your part

I disagree. My parents have more rights on me than some run of the mill girl who I make my wife after spending 25 ish years of life with my parents. Its not Islamic to move out and leave one's parents in isolation and agony as they are aging.

From what I see is the trend among girls, I am gonna make sure that I make this a part of my marriage contract that my parents will live with me inshALLAH even after marriage. If the wife-to-be has problems, she can choose not to marry me. Personally, I would not care. Hoor's are better.

**Raaina** · 01-09-2010

Originally Posted by Wa7abiScientist

I disagree. My parents have more rights on me than some run of the mill girl who I made my wife after spending 25 ish years of life with my parents. Its not Islamic to move out and leave one's parents in isolation and agony as they are aging.

From what I see is the trend among girls, I am gonna make sure that I make this a part of my marriage contract that my parents will live with me inshALLAH even after marriage. If the wife-to-be has problems, she can choose not to marry me. Personally, I would not care. Hoor's are better.

How would you feel if she felt the same way? If she wanted you to live with her parents?

**glo** · 01-09-2010

Originally Posted by Wa7abiScientist

I disagree. My parents have more rights on me than some run of the mill girl who I made my wife after spending 25 ish years of life with my parents. Its not Islamic to move out and leave one's parents in isolation and agony as they are aging.

Some 'run of the mill girl'? Strange way to speak about your future wife ...

Anyway, why not do both - find your own place and support your parents? You don't have to move to another country - just round the corner might do it.

**CosmicPathos** · 01-09-2010

Originally Posted by mystical_moon

How would you feel if she felt the same way? If she wanted you to live with her parents?

I am not sure if her parents would want to keep their daughter with them for ever unless she works and supports them .... I, personally, would not want to do that and if she does not agree, I am not dying to get married to such a girl, anyways. With that said, I do not care how would I feel or how would she feel, what matters is how would Allah "feel."

"We say to you:

When it comes to honouring your parents and upholding ties with them, it is undoubtedly better to stay with them to serve them and take care of them. Abu Hurayrah stayed with his mother and he did not do Hajj until she died, so that he could keep her company, as it says in Saheeh Muslim (1665). The fuqaha’ stated that it is haraam for a son to travel to seek knowledge or engage in business if that will result in neglect of his parents.

It says in al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah (3/156):

If he – the son – wants to go out to seek knowledge in another country, or engage in trade, but he fears that his parents may be neglected, then he does not have the right to go out without their permission.

The basic principle with regard to that is the report narrated by Abu Dawood (2528) and al-Nasaa’i (4163), that a man came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: I have come to swear allegiance to you and pledge to migrate, and I have left my parents weeping. He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Go back and make them smile as you have made them weep.”

Classed as saheeh by Ibn al-Mulqin in al-Badr al-Muneer (9/40) and al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

Abd ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas narrated that a man came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allaah, should I go for jihad? He said: Do you have parents? He said: Yes. He said: Then your jihad is with them. Agreed upon. End quote.

But if it will not result in any neglect of the parents, and they have others around who can look after them, or they are able to look after themselves, then he may go out to seek knowledge or do business, and it is not essential to have their permission. "

http://islamqa.com/en/ref/100947/liv...ter%20marriage

Also,

I got married four months ago, and I promised my wife that she would have her own place to live, but because it was so difficult to find suitable accommodation in my city, I asked her to let us live with my family temporarily.
Is it permissible for her parents to object to us moving in with my family?.

Praise be to Allaah.
Accommodation is one of the wife’s rights that the husband is obliged to provide, according to scholarly consensus, because Allaah has given the woman who is revocably divorced (first or second talaaq) the right to accommodation provided by her husband, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Lodge them (the divorced women) where you dwell, according to your means”

[al-Talaaq 65:6] .

So the right to accommodation is even more certain in the case of one who is still married, because Allaah has enjoined kind treatment between spouses as He says (interpretation of the meaning): “and live with them honourably” [al-Nisa’ 4:19]. Part of living with them honourably is providing one’s wife with accommodation where she feels safe. Similarly, a wife cannot do without accommodation to conceal her from the gaze of others and where she can relax and feel that her property is safe. Hence accommodation is a right that she has over her husband.

The majority of Hanafi, Shaafa’i and Hanbali fuqaha’ are of the view that the wife has the right to accommodation that is separate from her husband’s relatives, and she has the right to refuse to live with his father or mother or both.

The Maalikis are of the view that a distinction is to be made between a wife of noble status and a wife of lowly status. They said that it is not permissible to make a wife of noble status live with one’s parents, but that is permissible with regard to a wife of lowly status, unless making the wife of lowly status live with the parents will cause her harm. See: al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah (25/109), al-Sharh al-Sagheer ‘ala Mukhtasar Khaleel (2/737).

But what is meant by accommodation according to the fuqaha’ is providing her with a room that has a door and a lock, along with a bathroom and kitchen, unless they are poor and are content to share a kitchen and bathroom.

Ibn ‘Aabideen said in his Haashiyah (3/600): The phrase “a separate house” means a place to spend the night, which is a separate, specific place. It seems that what is meant by separate is a place that is hers alone and she does not share it with anyone else in the household. “With a lock” means that which is locked and opened with a key. “… bathroom and kitchen” means a washroom and a place for cooking which are inside the room or the house, and she does not share them with any other member of the household. I (Ibn ‘Aabideen) say: And that should be the case with regard to people who are not poor, so that each person has his own room and some shared facilities such as the bathroom, oven and well.

See also question no. 7653.

Secondly:

If the wife agrees to live with your family, there is nothing wrong with that, because she is giving up her right. Her parents have no right to object to that, so long as she is an adult of sound mind.

She has the right to withdraw this agreement, because her right to separate accommodation is not forfeited by her giving it up.

Thirdly:

The wife’s living with her husband’s family should be free of any haraam things such as the husband’s brothers, paternal uncles etc being alone with her or looking at her.

It is well known that it is not permissible for a woman to be alone with, shake hands with or uncover any part of her ‘awrah in front of her husband’s brothers, because they are strangers to her like any other non-mahrams; rather there should be even more caution in their case, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” An Ansaari man said: O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-law? He said: “The in-law is death.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4934) and Muslim (2172). al-Layth ibn Sa’d said: The in-law is the brother of the husband and similar relatives of the husband such as his cousin and the like.

Narrated by Muslim.

That depends on the situation of both the wife and of the husband’s family, and whether both parties can put up with sharing accommodation and living space. It seems that nowadays married life is affected greatly by such circumstances, and many problems between both parties are caused by sharing accommodation, to such an extent that it is very rare to find a happy and calm married life when sharing living space with the husband’s family. Perhaps it is because all people have seen such things that your wife’s family have objected to your moving in with your family, out of concern for your marriage, and they are not being stubborn or trying to control you and your family.

We ask Allaah to help you to do that which is good and to help you and your family and your wife.

And Allaah knows best.

http://islamqa.com/en/ref/96455/living%20with%20parents

With it being a part of marriage contract, she can have her "separate accommodation" within a husband's house in which he also lets his parents live. I take a different stance on this issue than my Muslim friends because I feel that my parents did not give birth to me so that I can leave them on their own when I get married and start indulging in self-pleasures. I feel it is my responsibility to try to spend enough time with them that they do not feel abandoned.

**Cabdullahi** · 01-09-2010

Originally Posted by glo

Some 'run of the mill girl'? Strange way to speak about your future wife ...

Anyway, why not do both - find your own place and support your parents? You don't have to move to another country - just round the corner might do it.

Dont mess with the Scientist...he has a no nonsense attitude

**glo** · 01-09-2010

Originally Posted by Abdullahii

Dont mess with the Scientist...he has a no nonsense attitude

I'm not messing with anybody. I am expressing my thoughts and opinion on the matter.

I am sure the Scientist is fine with that.

**CosmicPathos** · 01-09-2010

Originally Posted by Abdullahii

Dont mess with the Scientist...he has a no nonsense attitude

is that supposed to be a sarcasm?

**CosmicPathos** · 01-09-2010

Originally Posted by glo

Some 'run of the mill girl'? Strange way to speak about your future wife ...

Anyway, why not do both - find your own place and support your parents? You don't have to move to another country - just round the corner might do it.

I have only two parents. A unique set of two individuals. My future wife could be anyone from billion of girls. Get the idea what I meant by "run of the mill?" Sorry if it sounded strange, but I was never into becoming acquainted with the world?? A believer is a stranger.