Seeking advice on becoming someone's second wife

[sangu]

Dear scholar brothers & sisters in Islam,
ASAK

I am here to seek advice from all those who have good knowledge of sharia'h.

I am working in a call centre and earning Rs. 6000/month. I am divorced since past 5 years and have a daughter aged 7 years. I am living with my parents. After I came back to my parents' house after my divorce, my elder brother who was married and was the only earning person of my parents' family, moved out of the house with his wife and children as he thought I would be burden on him. Later on I started working. My brother has stopped helping my parents financially. However, my father gets pension but almost all is spent on his and my mother's regular treatment. What I get in form of salary is spent on our daily household expenses.

Well, I came in contact with one Muslim man who recently joined our company. He is of around 42 or so, married and has 3 sons. He is so intelligent, friendly and helping nature that it has been only 4 months he joined and he has become popular in company and is going to become Team Leader. I always keep away from my male colleagues. There are few other Muslim males working in my company but I keep my interactions with them upto some limit and only work related. Couple of Muslim male colleagues have established physical relations with co-female employees of our company even though they are married. But this man is not like them and I am very much impressed by this man as he is very well mannered, educated, handsome, religious and most important is he always helps me in my work. We take breaks together and share our meals. He makes me laugh all the time.
Many of female staff members of our company have gone crazy about him including the married females but he never pays heed to them. I become sad when he takes an off from work. I could not execute my work with interest when he is not around. I never wish to go home when he is still working. I stay back till he stays. Even after finishing the shift, we sit for some time and have tea in the office canteen. He often comes to my home and plays with my daughter with love and affection. Since I do not have any vehicle, he often accompanies me for shopping or for any other personal work. He selects dresses for me and my daughter and I select dresses for him. It makes me feel like a family. My daughter also likes him. She often asks me "Mamma, when will '...uncle' come? Why don't you call him at home? I want to play with him. Ask him to bring chocolates for me" This makes me feel as if my daughter is asking about her father. Once I received call from my mom that my daughter had fallen down from stairs. I started crying. He consoled me and accompanied me to my home on his bike and from there we both took my daughter to the doctor and he remained with me till my daughter was treated and then dropped us at home and then went back to the office. He had to compensate those hours which he utilized for my daughter by staying back and working for those hours at our office.

Once I told in form of joke that "I wanted someone like you. Where were you till now? Why did you not meet me earlier?" To that he said first "Now also it's not too late. If you want I will marry you". I said "No I don't want to spoil your wife's life for my interest/benefit". He said "I am not going to leave my wife and kids". You will be my second wife as Islam permits to marry upto 4 wives". But then he said "I was just kidding. I have no intention to marry you". He might have said so thinking I would feel bad.
When I do not turn up in the office when I am not well, he calls me up to find what’s wrong. When I tell him that I am not feeling well, he asks several questions, what? How? When? Why? Went to the Doctor? Took medicine? Had some sleep? As if he is my husband. Then he visits my house after finishing his shift to find out how I feel then. He can easily predict that I have run out of money so he himself helps me financially without my asking for the same.

It’s not that I did not receive proposals for marriage. Few were not ready to accept my daughter. Few demanded high dowry. Some were not suitable to me. One was very aged (50+). In the beginning my parents objected for his coming to my house and for us going out together for some work. But then they also realised that we have pure friendly relations. Moreover I feel secured when he is with me even at work. Those fellow male employees who used to stare at me with “BADNEEYA’H” have stopped doing so as they all think that I am having “Affair” with this man. But I don’t care for such gossips as long as I am safe and we both know what is the fact. Now, I have realised that he is the perfect man for me. I am in desperate need of him as he always cares for me and my daughter. I think I am in his love. I am not sure about him. I think he is the only one who could understand me.

Let me make this clear that we have never involved in physical relations. Forget about him demanding such sinful act, he never touched my hands or any part of my body. While I am seated behind him on his bike, he rides so slowly that he does not want to apply hard brakes with the intention of getting my body touched to his due to force. He leans forward while riding to avoid our body touching.

He never hides anything from his wife. She is aware of our relations. She is such a golden hearted lady that she never doubts on him. On the contrary when we go out for shopping, he calls her up and tells her that he is at so and so place with me and asks her if she wants anything. If she wants any ladies product, then she speaks to me over the phone and explains me what exactly she wants and asks me to select that item for her. When he goes on holidays with his family at far distance, his wife buys gift for me and my daughter.

Dear all, now I leave my fate on you. Please guide me in the light of sharia’h whether I should propose him for marriage. I don’t mind becoming his second wife as I am sure he will be able to keep balance between both families. Right now he may not be able to take care of both the family financially, but I am also working so I am sure we shall make things better by working together. I am also sure he will very soon obtain top position in our company and earn handsome money, so at that time if he wants then I shall leave the job. I am confident that he will accept me and my daughter and even his wife will permit him to marry me and we shall maintain good co-wife relation. Moreover, I will get sons and his wife will get daughter.

Please advise me if I would be committing sin by doing so.

Jazakallah

Sangu

[04/11/2009]

There is no sin wanting to be in polygamy as allah made permissible for a made to marry 4 women. However the fact that the two of you are free mixing is not allowed in islam and a religious man who fears allah would never do such sinful acts of contstantly being aound a non muhrim woman. Insha allah someone will post the daleel for these.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^ i second that.

also, if you do agree to this, you need to do good and thorough background checks...check out his family, his life and even his marriage ...i say marriage because 1) sometimes men tend to marry again when their first marriages are in trouble, so you need to be careful....sometimes what may happen is that if a guy does marry another sister due to problems in his first (or 2nd or 3rd) marriage, it may end up in divorce as there is too much pressure/it isn't morally acceptable to run off with another woman when your own marriage is in tatters. so be educated and dont go into this blind eyed =) and also it may end up in divorce because there is too much pressure from his first wife and family.

and 2) you have an idea on how he traits his wife/family.

make sure he is a good man who knows his responsibility as polygamist because some men are unjust and not very mature in dealing with the responsibility of a plural marriage, not to mention dont know how to deal with jealous wives and their tiff offs.

also, make sure you are very well instilled with the knowledge of your rights as a co-wife.

those bold points, i cant emphasize enough

sorry for the pessimistic post but that's just a take on what i've noticed.

[cat eyes]

im sorry my dear sister but i had to laugh when i read your post.

This all seems a bit dodgy for my liking. its a bit to good to be true that you honestly believe he is calling his wife to let her know that her man is with another woman? come on you dont believe this do you? that his wife knows every single thing and dose not worry one bit? any one can pretend to speak on the fone you know. have u even met his wife or his family? have u sat down with his wife and had a cup of tea together? if you havent then she has not got one single clue of this relation

You surely know that any man who spends time alone with a woman then he must be after an affair because hes bored with his first wife. ask yourself this that if his wife is so relaxed about it, why has he not proposed long ago?

Also there has to be problems in there marriage.

Sister over all i dont agree that your spending time alone with a married man and possibly teasing him to committ haraam.

You probably dont already know but this is a sin on you whether he controls himself or not, its still a sin on you because you are purposely putting yourself in a danger zone here.

I would recheck his intentions and id be straight up and forward with him that dose he want marriage or not and if he dose not want marriage then i would finish this relation as soon as possible, you will get nothing out of it.

and as i said its a dangerous risk your taking being alone with this man. dont let shayytan fool you into thinking that nothing will ever happen because a man and a woman can never be friends just put this in your head and remember it.

i find this all to dodgy sister. i think hes wanting to gain your trust so he can use you then drop you when ever he wants.

[sangu]

There is no sin wanting to be in polygamy as allah made permissible for a made to marry 4 women. However the fact that the two of you are free mixing is not allowed in islam and a religious man who fears allah would never do such sinful acts of contstantly being aound a non muhrim woman. Insha allah someone will post the daleel for these.

Jazakallah sister,

We both are aware that mixing up with non-mehram is not allowed in Islam. It's not that we go out daily or remain together in the office for hours daily. Once in a while, we go out after office hours only when I insist him to accompany me for my personal work and if the destination is in odd area. He speaks to me when he has any query regarding the work and visa-versa. He avoids interacting with other female staff members as he knows very well who has what intention for him. He is very religious and often discusses with me about hadith and sura'hs of qur'an.

[sister herb]

I have been married with muslim man as his second wife. It might not be easy to you or to his first wife but Islam allows it if he can treat you and her similarly.

I could discuss with you privately but I can´t send you private message as you haven´t done enough posts yet that you could get private messages (I think limit is 50 posts?).

your sister in Islam

[cat eyes]

I have been married with muslim man as his second wife. It might not be easy to you or to his first wife but Islam allows it if he can treat you and her similarly.

I could discuss with you privately but I can´t send you private message as you haven´t done enough posts yet that you could get private messages (I think limit is 50 posts?).

your sister in Islam

when you said ''have'' are u using that as a past tense because i notice you didnt say ''are married'' so i take it your not with him anymore sister?

Being a second wife is not easy. it might be easy in the start because your in love and your blind to everything else.

But after a while you realise you have to SHARE YOUR HUSBAND

not easy

[sangu]

I have been married with muslim man as his second wife. It might not be easy to you or to his first wife but Islam allows it if he can treat you and her similarly.

I could discuss with you privately but I can´t send you private message as you haven´t done enough posts yet that you could get private messages (I think limit is 50 posts?).

your sister in Islam

Jazakallah sister,
Your response has given me strength to gather courage to propose him. I have met his wife and understood his nature. She is very kind lady and I am sure she will accept me as his sister-wife. As far as this man is concerned, he is very generous and God fearing person. He will surely take care of both of us and our children and treat fairly. Only, after studying him and his wife, I have decided to propose him. Although I am not even sure that he will accept me as his second wife.
Please pray for the best for me.

Your sister in Islam

[sangu]

im sorry my dear sister but i had to laugh when i read your post.

This all seems a bit dodgy for my liking. its a bit to good to be true that you honestly believe he is calling his wife to let her know that her man is with another woman? come on you dont believe this do you? that his wife knows every single thing and dose not worry one bit? any one can pretend to speak on the fone you know. have u even met his wife or his family? have u sat down with his wife and had a cup of tea together? if you havent then she has not got one single clue of this relation

You surely know that any man who spends time alone with a woman then he must be after an affair because hes bored with his first wife. ask yourself this that if his wife is so relaxed about it, why has he not proposed long ago?

Also there has to be problems in there marriage.

Sister over all i dont agree that your spending time alone with a married man and possibly teasing him to committ haraam.

You probably dont already know but this is a sin on you whether he controls himself or not, its still a sin on you because you are purposely putting yourself in a danger zone here.

I would recheck his intentions and id be straight up and forward with him that dose he want marriage or not and if he dose not want marriage then i would finish this relation as soon as possible, you will get nothing out of it.

and as i said its a dangerous risk your taking being alone with this man. dont let shayytan fool you into thinking that nothing will ever happen because a man and a woman can never be friends just put this in your head and remember it.

i find this all to dodgy sister. i think hes wanting to gain your trust so he can use you then drop you when ever he wants.

Dear Sister,

It seems you have had a bitter experience with someone (man) that's why you quote hateful opinions for someone without knowing about someone. I advice you to read my quote once again thoroughly. You will find no where in my post that he is interested in marrying me or he is trying to impress me or cheating me. There are many female co-employees more beautiful than me and who are ready to lie down for him. He is never impressed by any female. On the contrary females are impressed by him. It's me who has been using him for my personal benefit and getting my work done through him and resolving my problems. If I marry someone else and stop speaking to him or meeting him, then it would be me the selfish lady who would be dropping him.

Well, to make your doubt clear, I have met his wife twice before he spoke over the phone first time when we went for shopping and his wife spoke to me over the phone.

[cat eyes]

Dear Sister,

It seems you have had a bitter experience with someone (man) that's why you quote hateful opinions for someone without knowing about someone. I advice you to read my quote once again thoroughly. You will find no where in my post that he is interested in marrying me or he is trying to impress me or cheating me. There are many female co-employees more beautiful than me and who are ready to lie down for him. He is never impressed by any female. On the contrary females are impressed by him. It's me who has been using him for my personal benefit and getting my work done through him and resolving my problems. If I marry someone else and stop speaking to him or meeting him, then it would be me the selfish lady who would be dropping him.

Well, to make your doubt clear, I have met his wife twice before he spoke over the phone first time when we went for shopping and his wife spoke to me over the phone.

Sister i never had any bad experience with men... ive been offered loads of times by men who wanted meet with me alone but i refused because i have self respect and dignity. also it would be more cheap of me as a muslimah to spend time alone with a married man.

[sister herb]

when you said ''have'' are u using that as a past tense because i notice you didnt say ''are married'' so i take it your not with him anymore sister?

Being a second wife is not easy. it might be easy in the start because your in love and your blind to everything else.

But after a while you realise you have to SHARE YOUR HUSBAND

not easy

He died over 10 years ago. No, I am not married with him by that reason any more. During our marriage I didn´t feel it difficult to share him with some other.

May Allah be mercy to him

[cat eyes]

He died over 10 years ago. No, I am not married with him by that reason any more.

May Allah be mercy to him

oh my gosh im sorry to hear that dear sister. i was thinking it was a recent marriage. sorry may Allah grant him jannah Ameen

[sangu]

He died over 10 years ago. No, i am not married with him by that reason any more. During our marriage i didn´t feel it difficult to share him with some other.

Imsad may allah be mercy to him

i am extremely sorry to hear that sister. May allah be mercy on him ameeen.

[sister herb]

Thanks sisters cat eyes and sangu about your words. I still miss him but life must go on. I am engaged now and if my next husband at some day wants to get another wife I will try to make it the most easy to her too as first wife of my husband made it to me before.

I make dua to you sister sangu for happiness of your life.

[sangu]

Sister i never had any bad experience with men... ive been offered loads of times by men who wanted meet with me alone but i refused because i have self respect and dignity. also it would be more cheap of me as a muslimah to spend time alone with a married man.

Sister, you must be having father, brother, son or husband to help you meet your daily assignments or some personal work. May Allah keep atleast one mehram for you to be on your side as long as you live, so that you do not have to rely on non-mehram even if he is pure hearted. I am so unfateful that my father is old aged, brother doesn't care for me and I have no son. That is why I have to trust and seek help of non-mehram without thinking about my dignity and self respect and become CHEAP.

[Asiyah3]

How would you feel if your husband or moreover your father would befriend a non-mahram woman, lunch with her and visit her home etc. ? My point isn't to sound judgmental but Islam doesn't encourage intermixing or being alone with the opposite gender - and men should lower their gazes.

Offer istikhaarah sis. As others have stated islam permits marriage up to four wives providing the husband has to treat his wives justly.

I wish you the best
May Allah grant you the best in this life and the Aakhirah.

[cat eyes]

Sister, you must be having father, brother, son or husband to help you meet your daily assignments or some personal work. May Allah keep atleast one mehram for you to be on your side as long as you live, so that you do not have to rely on non-mehram even if he is pure hearted. I am so unfateful that my father is old aged, brother doesn't care for me and I have no son. That is why I have to trust and seek help of non-mehram without thinking about my dignity and self respect and become CHEAP.

my respective sister im assuming your alot older then me and your a mother also.

this dunya is short and we cannot efford to be ignorant towards the teachings of islam. theres no excuse. it dose not stop there, not only that but you have to be influence for your daughter. remember what ever a child sees, she will also implement this because she will believe that this is the right way to go about finding a spouse.

There is loads of things available for you if you have got no mehram.

Lots of muslimahs find blessings at there local mosque where both people can sit with imam present and talk about a possible marriage.

But this free mixing is a sin.

ive pasted you this fatwa so you can shed some light on the seriousness of it






Question:

As-Salamu `alaykum. My son asks me for proof when I tell him he cannot have girls for friends, for purposes other than doing school work, or dealing with colleagues at work, if they are not isolated.



Answer:

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Thanks for your interesting question, which reflects your deep belief in the fact that Islam has answers for every problem facing mankind. Our utmost wish is just for all of us to adhere to the teachings of this great religion which came to save mankind from the peril of succumbing to the material life, to rescue them from darkness of following whims and self inclinations to the light of guidance and eternal prosperity.

Regarding your question, Muslims should have good relations with all people, both males and females. At school, at work, in your neighborhood, etc., you should be kind and courteous to everyone. However, it is not allowed in Islam to take a non-mahram person or persons of the opposite gender as a very close friend. This kind of friendship often leads to haram.

Responding to the question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states the following:
It is common knowledge that in Islam, fornication and adultery are grave sins and committing either bears serious consequences in this world and the Hereafter.

However, what is not so well known is that while declaring fornication and adultery as haram (forbidden), Islam does not merely forbid the actual acts, but it also declares as forbidden each and every circumstance or way that leads to fornication and adultery. Allah says, (Do not come near fornication, for it is indeed lewdness and an evil life-style.) (Al-Isra' 17: 32)

Explaining this, the Prophet said, “The fornication of the eyes is staring, the fornication of the ears is listening, the fornication of the tongue is talking, the fornication of the hands is holding, the fornication of the feet is walking, the fornication of the heart/mind is craving and lusting, and finally, the private parts confirm or negate it.” He also said, “Staring is one of the arrows of Satan.” In another report, he said, “You are allowed to have the first accidental look (which is unintentional), but do not continue to stare.”

The laws of Islam are from Allah, our Creator, who knows our weaknesses as well as our strengths better than we can ever do. Women, by nature, desire to be looked at, adored and cherished, while man is inclined to look at women. Allah, the Almighty therefore, warns us against our own natures, which may lead us astray if we do not exercise caution and take the necessary safeguards. Thus, Allah, the Almighty said, (Say to the believing men to lower their gazes and guard their chastity… And say to the believing women to lower their gazes and guard their chastity and not to display their charms in public.) (An-Nur 24: 30-31)

Having friendship with members of the opposite gender may lead to staring, lustful thoughts, flirtatious behavior and seduction. Although it may not always be the case, there is no way to tell when it could happen and when it would not happen. That is why it is forbidden to mingle and mix freely with members of the opposite sex and to develop friendships with them. It is all part of zina (fornication), which Allah and His Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) strongly ordered us to abstain from.

Allah, the Almighty has given us laws in order to guard us against the evils that are inherent in our own souls. One recent study conducted about male-female interaction in the workplace concluded that one in every three women had been sexually involved with a co-worker or boss. If this is the case in a professional, business-like environment, then the potential for illicit relations in more casual circumstances has much greater potential. Thus, Allah, the Almighty has been most gracious by not only forbidding fornication and adultery, but also by closing all the doors that lead to them.
You can also read:

Having a Girlfriend: Permissible?
Do Muslims Date?
Mixing Between Men and Women
Allah Almighty knows best.



Country Of Origin : United Kingdom

Fatawa Issuing Body

[sister herb]

How would you feel if some strange girl on work would now and the go for a lunch with your husband alone? and joke with stuff such as this:

How you would feel?

[Sampharo]

If I may interject here (I realize it's a sisters conversation and I hate to nosy in but I felt I can add a different perspective)

Yes indeed free mixing is not allowed and for good reason, however it's not needless as the mixing is due to work, and therefore it is much easier and more tolerable that co-workers who are speaking together and assisting each other in matters of work, will establish a rapport that continues on even when the work subjects are finished. So it is not THAT reprehensible and we shouldn't take such a haughty attitude just because we read that the employees are freemixing.

That is not condoning, I am simply explaining that there are degrees of what is wrong, and we won't scratch a man as totally unmarriable for something like this when the rest of the muslim World is probably commiting same or more sins.

I am actually appalled though at the colleagues behaviour of physical relations that becomes this publicly known that you know about it. Even in Western work environment, people will not broadcast adultery like this.

Anyway, back to you sister. There is nothing wrong with marrying a second wife in Islam, and I personally know two households that are happy in such arrangements (one has two wives and the other has three).

You were already married before and therefore you have experience and know what you would want. Islamically speaking you are "thayyeb", meaning you can choose whomever you want "the virgin is asked for permission, the thayyeb gives a command" as the prophet said. So if you're comfortable, go for it.

You would of course be prudent to see how will you be setup in this household. You have a right and would definitely need a separate home. It can be a house or apartment, but comparable to the other wife. Whatever she gets, you should get, and whatever you have she should have as well. Be sure that financially speaking he is capable because that can be a huge strain.

God bless

[Muslim Woman]

.. Even after finishing the shift, we sit for some time and have tea ... he often accompanies me for shopping or for any other personal work.

sis , these are haram . Allah warned us in Quran that don't come near to adultery. Outside marriage if u spend time with a man like this , surely satan will lead u 2 to do more sinful acts. May Allah forbid.

You will be my second wife as Islam permits to marry upto 4 wives".

Islam allows it with condition but does not permit any married or unmarried man to spend time with a non-Muharim lady like this . If a man wants to re-marry , he can send proposal to a lady's parent and can discuss the marriage in presence of them . He must not take her to market or spend time with her after office.

I will get sons and his wife will get daughter.

Offer Istekhara ; if u have a positive sign , then u can get married . But what about stop mixing him for sometime and see if u can overcome the feelings ? May be , u can consider some other marriage proposals who are divorced or widower ?