I went back to pakistan to get married, and its been nearly three years we have no children.
When i was in pakistan everything was fine, i really didnt want to get married as i was only 19 and was in university howvere i was not allowed to return to the UK unless i did. my parents chose him and i agreed as i had no choice. however, i thought i will make this marriage work no matter what. He arrived to the UK four months after and things begun to change.
He doesnt make an effort to talk to me or ask me how i am or doesnt enjoy spending time with me. he goes to work and comes back and sleeps or goes on the internet, but he will never show me what he is doing.
Recently he started hitting me. I have been diagnosed with depression llast year and he forces me to do things which i am reluctant to do. he manipulates me in taking all my money which i earn, and makes me return anything i buy for myself.
I feel i dont love him, i have no feelings for him. I feel suffocated.
My family are not being very supportive, they say everything will get better, but i think i have come to a point that i dont want things to get better i just want to be happy.
If you are worried that you may not find appropriate support at the mosque due to cultural pressures, then there are other services available.
The police and women's refuges are certainly two options.
Here is a link to Refuge, a domestic violence charity in the UK.
There is also the forces marriage unit (see link here). It was really set up to support British citizens who have been forced to marry abroad and who are unable to return to the UK - but they may still have useful information for you in your situation. They treat all information confidential!
Don't lose hope, continue in your faith and pray - but please, please don't be passive and wait for somebody else to help you.
You have to actively go out and seek help to get out of this situation!
I wish you well. If you want to talk more, you can PM me.
Peace glo
Here I stand.
I can do no other.
May God help me.
Amen.
Come, let us worship and bow down •
and kneel before the Lord our Maker
[Psalm 95]
my husband is not a reletive or family friend. and his familyis very good people they even admit he has anger problems.
he has no islamic knowledge at all he will never go to friday jummah even if he has the oppertunity too. we leave right next to the mosque however last time her went was back in June. Yet before marriage i was told he prays 5times a day.
we spend day and evenings not talking to each other is this really how a marriage should be?
if what you say is true, that is he has abandoned the salah and doesn't even go to jummu3ah; then this man might not even be a Muslim at all
I understand, that stupid cultural thinking ticks me off. Ok then maybe try a non-local mosque? (i know not the most helpful suggestion).
Is there no one in your family you can trust to help you get away in this situation?
I guess it depends where you are in the world...I would have said say what city you are in and maybe someone here could help, but really dunno how to trust someone online in such a situation.
If not then maybe you will have to try the social services or something, tell them you were forced here against your wishes etc. And seek a divorce, this is not something you deserve.
(since you said you really want to escape) Maybe your family are just expecting you to not take action, you probably just have to take action and then maybe someone in your family (the one you think is the most understanding) will support you. So pack your bags, and leave, once you have left, then it's a new situation they will have to accept.
I really wish I could help you more than this.
peace
How can you just accuse whole culture like that? What about the cultural effect on the scholars who live in the West? No one can claim to be free of any cultural effects. It shapes our world views as we grow up, no matter how much you remain in denial.
You think the culture you grew up in, I assume the UK, is superior to Pakistani culture, because I see that you can shrug off things as calling them "stupid cultural." Not all Pakistani men behave like the husband of the OP yet they represent their culture. Your illogical and emotional demeanor and utterly disgusting world views prove that you are not a man, yet. Grow up.
Last edited by CosmicPathos; 04-11-2010 at 04:37 PM.
Help me to escape from this existence
I yearn for an answer... can you help me?
I'm drowning in a sea of abused visions and shattered dreams
In somnolent illusion... I'm paralyzed
How can you just accuse whole culture like that? What about the cultural effect on the scholars who live in the West? No one can claim to be free of any cultural effects. It shapes our world views as we grow up, no matter how much you remain in denial.
You think the culture you grew up in, I assume the UK, is superior to Pakistani culture, because I see that you can shrug off things as calling them "stupid cultural." Not all Pakistani men behave like the husband of the OP yet they represent their culture. Your illogical and emotional demeanor and utterly disgusting world views prove that you are not a man, yet. Grow up.
Did I say all culture is to blame? No.
Did I even say Pakistan? No.
Did I say Pakistani men are like this guy? Of course not, READ.
I was speaking of, and placing the blame on certain parts of culture, certain bad sides which exist in south Asian communities (and I wasnt talking about the man in that post, I was talking about her families attitude). I dont understand why you are so defensive and jumping off on tangents nothing to do with what I was saying.
How does this have anything to do with how much of a man or how grown up I am?
Maybe you are the one that has some personal growth to do, actually think about what I said and not putting words into my mouth, throwing childish insults, and being unnecessarily defensive.
First of all I think its inappropriate that the members in this thread are having their own disputes in the sisters thread. We all have our opinions on the situation but I think it would be more appropriate to offer advice here.
I have a friend in a similar situation, however, she didn’t speak about what she was going through until only recently (after being stuck in her marriage for almost 12 years). For a long time she would blame herself for what he would do to her. She felt trapped in the marriage since he would tell her that if she ever left him, there would be no one out there for her and she believed him. He made sure she had little contact with her family and friends, most of who are now very distant from her so she felt even more alone and depended on him completely. One morning she found the courage to leave him and came to stay with my family but as soon as she realised what she had done she went back. He hadnt realised that she had left. I wish it didn’t end this way but today, she is still with him, because the truth is she has let him control her completely, she is mentally not the same person I knew 10 years ago and I cant seem to help her since she will deny everything.
Sister, it seems you have already made the decision to leave him, if that is right then don’t harm yourself by staying with him any longer than you have to. You don’t want to wake up in the same situation in 10 years time and then wish you had left him.
As glo said, there are women’s refuge’s out there and you should be able to contact them if you have no one else you can contact.
Finally please take care of yourself.
I pray that Allah swt protects you x
....If thou knowest not thy God, thou art a slave of men;
And if thou dost, thy slaves are kings and potentates.
The heart’s freedom is kingly; its slavery is death,
It is for thee to decide — to be a king or a slave.
[Baal-e-Jibreel, Allama Iqbal 1935]
First of all I think its inappropriate that the members in this thread are having their own disputes in the sisters thread. We all have our opinions on the situation but I think it would be more appropriate to offer advice here.
I have a friend in a similar situation, however, she didn’t speak about what she was going through until only recently (after being stuck in her marriage for almost 12 years). For a long time she would blame herself for what he would do to her. She felt trapped in the marriage since he would tell her that if she ever left him, there would be no one out there for her and she believed him. He made sure she had little contact with her family and friends, most of who are now very distant from her so she felt even more alone and depended on him completely. One morning she found the courage to leave him and came to stay with my family but as soon as she realised what she had done she went back. He hadnt realised that she had left. I wish it didn’t end this way but today, she is still with him, because the truth is she has let him control her completely, she is mentally not the same person I knew 10 years ago and I cant seem to help her since she will deny everything.
Sister, it seems you have already made the decision to leave him, if that is right then don’t harm yourself by staying with him any longer than you have to. You don’t want to wake up in the same situation in 10 years time and then wish you had left him.
As glo said, there are women’s refuge’s out there and you should be able to contact them if you have no one else you can contact.
First of all I think its inappropriate that the members in this thread are having their own disputes in the sisters thread. We all have our opinions on the situation but I think it would be more appropriate to offer advice here.
I agree, definately no place in this thread. I was randomly attacked for offering advice to the sister in question, I felt I should respond.
Yes and it is sad about your friend .
As for sister Nessaa, she hasnt logged in or responded for 2 weeks...I hope you are ok...
Oh my God, he's being so unfair to you!
What surprises me the most is your family! They don't seem to care and the fact that they pushed you into a forced marriage sounds like they wanted to "throw" you out of home as soon as possible. It's like they wanted to get rid of you because their non-caring attitude shows the same thing.
I can't believe your family is doing this to you.
I hope you get divorced as soon as possible. I don't know you personally, but no woman should be treated like he's treating you. This is not what marriage should be like. He's totally showing lack of respect [let alone love].
If he has anger problems [like his family says and like it seems to be] let him get a treatment for himself. This doesn't mean you should suffer because of the problems he might have.
Sure, you're his wife but I don't think he deserves you for the way he's treating you.
Wow, that's so sad. I hope he didn't see this thread, or she could get in more trouble by him
I don't think anyone here knows who she is to check up on her eh?
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