Last week, the man I wanted to marry came over to meet with me and my family for the first time. I've never met him personally, but I've talked to him a few times on the phone to understand him and his personality. I wear full hijaab so when he came, that's what he saw me in...
I was extremely shy and quiet whereas he was a little less nervous lol...but everything seemed to be going well alhemdulilah...however a few days ago, I talked to him again on the phone and he asked me about what I thought about the abayah and if I thought it was an absolutely necessary thing. He said that he was uncomfortable seeing me in full hijaab because it felt like it was somewhat of a deterrent and he wasn't sure if he'd be physically attracted to me. He assured me that he did think I was beautiful and he loves my personality, but when he saw me in my abayaa, it felt to him like I was hiding myself or something (which is the point of wearing it of course)...I don't know if this is making any sense...He said he'd be fine with me wearing it full now but isn't sure if he'd feel the same way later on, he also said he's not used to seeing a girl dressed fully in hijaab vs an older woman.. which is another reason why he felt a little uncomfortable. He wanted to compromise with me suggesting that I'd wear something more "age" suitable and still keeping my hijaab (headscarf)..
He's going to return again in a few days with his mother and possibly his father to finalize everything if it goes well...
I've prayed istikhara before he came the first time, and I felt good and felt as if things were progressing..but now I'm scared to marry him knowing that his iman may be weaker than mine and that perhaps i might not have an influence on him to raise it or that he'd weaken my faith as I struggle to keep him pleased when I know that Allah should always be first.
I planned on discussing all of this important stuff with him when he returns because I want Islam to be first in the relationship, even if everything else was perfect..
What should I do?
IB Forum Anonymous Account.
Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.
Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!
where is your wali uhktee? this is why slimey men get away with this becuase there is no man present-when the cat's away, the mice come out to play. no real man with honor would ever say this in front of a sisters father/brother. coward.
I agree, first impressions are for the most part the truest. Get away before you are tied down to this man.
Salam
Sis is this man really worth compromising your deen for? Think about it. What's a good personality if the guy is somewhat indirectly discouraging you from proper modesty? If he has a problem with something as simple as an abaya, I wonder what else he'll pull out at you? I'm afraid to think he'll slowly get you to compromise other things once you two are married. As stated before, there are other brothers out there inshaAllah who will find beauty in your abaya, trust me on that. A true brother will like those things as opposed to what this guy says lol. And from what you say you feel his emaan is weak. You don't want that ukhti I assure you that. As Muslims we want someone whom we could grow in deen with fisabilillah! Imagine this guy being the man of the household with weak emaan?
Ultimately the decision is for you to make but do think about what's been said inshaAllah. May Allah give you a pious brother and make things easy for you Ameen
*Without Allah, without Islam, life would be meaningless. If I've ever learned patience, it's because of this. Alhamdulillah...*
I think the advice given by the sisters is perfect. InshaALLAH you'll make the right decison. As you said Islam first but if he is already expecting you to make changes because he doesn't approve of how you dress then think of the consequences if you do get married and he wants more changes.
Again you can discuss it with him in front of your wali and the decision is indeed yours.
May ALLAH(SWT) make it easy for you. Ameen.
Brothers & sister don't forget the 6 fasts of Shawwal
Abu Ayyub al-Ansari(ra) narrated, the Prophet(SAW) said, "Whoever fasted Ramadan with the then connect with the (fasting) six days in Shawwal, the (reward) as he was fasting for a year." (Muslim,Abu Dawood,al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaai & Ibn Maajah).
that seems a little dodgy to me. how is this man with his deen over all? i think you should give it a few more meetings before you make the final decision and ask Allah for guidance of course
thats a very snide and evil comment for a brother to make. be careful
Us sisters have a hard enough time listening to the shayytan making us compromise things in our deen but hearing it from your future husband also? i think i would say bye bye and show him the door next time
Last week, the man I wanted to marry came over to meet with me and my family for the first time. I've never met him personally, but I've talked to him a few times on the phone to understand him and his personality. I wear full hijaab so when he came, that's what he saw me in...
I was extremely shy and quiet whereas he was a little less nervous lol...but everything seemed to be going well alhemdulilah...however a few days ago, I talked to him again on the phone and he asked me about what I thought about the abayah and if I thought it was an absolutely necessary thing. He said that he was uncomfortable seeing me in full hijaab because it felt like it was somewhat of a deterrent and he wasn't sure if he'd be physically attracted to me. He assured me that he did think I was beautiful and he loves my personality, but when he saw me in my abayaa, it felt to him like I was hiding myself or something (which is the point of wearing it of course)...I don't know if this is making any sense...He said he'd be fine with me wearing it full now but isn't sure if he'd feel the same way later on, he also said he's not used to seeing a girl dressed fully in hijaab vs an older woman.. which is another reason why he felt a little uncomfortable. He wanted to compromise with me suggesting that I'd wear something more "age" suitable and still keeping my hijaab (headscarf)..
He's going to return again in a few days with his mother and possibly his father to finalize everything if it goes well...
I've prayed istikhara before he came the first time, and I felt good and felt as if things were progressing..but now I'm scared to marry him knowing that his iman may be weaker than mine and that perhaps i might not have an influence on him to raise it or that he'd weaken my faith as I struggle to keep him pleased when I know that Allah should always be first.
I planned on discussing all of this important stuff with him when he returns because I want Islam to be first in the relationship, even if everything else was perfect..
What should I do?
If i were you,i will run away as far as i can.Now he is talking about ur hijab and what kind of Muslim man is he that he
is not comfortable with hijab and wear something more attractive?hmmm Allah knows..I don't judge..and again..u are not gonna wear hijab and abaya in the house infront hi..but what u wrote sounds as he is not comfortable u wearing abaya when u go out with him...hmmm...Islam is first priority and I just think h eis not the one for you...but if Allah has destined for u to be with him...then who can change it...All the best and good luck in sha Allah
Why is everyone against this guy? He is allowed his own preference is he not?
From what you say I also wonder if he has seen your face.
Lastly, the abaya is not the only way to dress decently. The man is not asking you to abandon your religion; only that he has preferences (which may be compatible with religion).
^^^ That's true. He may not be used to seeing women in abaya if women in his family don't normally wear one. He's not asking you to take off your hijab and wear skinney jeans. I think you should have a few more meetings with him before you write him off.
I think you guys missed some of the bits where she said he thinks she's "hiding" herself due to the abaya which like the sister said is THE POINT! DUH! And he also said she should wear something "age appropriate." What the heck is that?? it's like saying she looks old or something with it when in fact it looks beautiful. Just by those comments I would personally be put off because those are in actuality ignorant comments. If she can explain to him and he understands that's different, might just not know. Again it is but up to the sister. No one is against the guy per se, so please don't judge. If anything, we're just going by what the sister is saying and can only answer accordingly by what we see in her post. The whole point here is for her to see what we say and deduce for herself what she feels is best. What the heck is the point of this section if we can't say anything without people jumping at you? Lol! Seriously what the hey. We aren't cussing him good Lord....anyway sister inshaAllah you do what's best for you. If you're are in fact unsure, I guess I would see where else it takes you with him.
All the best x
Last edited by Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн; 05-01-2010 at 02:14 AM.
*Without Allah, without Islam, life would be meaningless. If I've ever learned patience, it's because of this. Alhamdulillah...*
The point here is that the brother hasn't the eye with which to see the beauty of a muslimah covering herself for the pleasure of Allah. He wants her to look a certain way which he is used to seeing on other females and which is probably the norm in his part of the society. Since the sister was dressed appropriately for being in the presence of a non mahram, what possibly could he expect her to change? It is not as if she would be wearing full hijab when she is alone with him. A beautiful mind sees beauty in what pleases Allah, not society or themselves.
Why is everyone against this guy? He is allowed his own preference is he not?
From what you say I also wonder if he has seen you without the hijab?
Lastly, the abaya is not the only way to dress decently. The man is not asking you to abandon your religion; only that he has preferences (which are compatible with religion).
any woman would be put off by these remarks anyways... there highly insensitive comments to be making especially if he wants to marry the sister.
id run a mile especially if he told me ''i might not be attracted to you later'' i mean what kind of man says this really? its ignorant.
the thing is that a man should be over protective of his wife when shes going out in public with him and things. its very rare that ud hear of a man wanting his wife to wear something else instead of the proper full covering that is abaaya so thats why this man might not be right for the sister and when shes in doors with him she can wear anything she wants for him of course so whats his problem here? why is he going on about attraction? he needs to be attracted to the clothes or to her? lol
any woman would be put off by these remarks anyways... there highly insensitive comments to be making especially if he wants to marry the sister.
id run a mile especially if he told me ''i might not be attracted to you later'' i mean what kind of man says this really? its ignorant.
the thing is that a man should be over protective of his wife when shes going out in public with him and things. its very rare that ud hear of a man wanting his wife to wear something else instead of the proper full covering that is abaaya so thats why this man might not be right for the sister and when shes in doors with him she can wear anything she wants for him of course so whats his problem here? why is he going on about attraction? he needs to be attracted to the clothes or to her? lol
Attraction is different for different people. If it makes him happy and is not against any Islamic rules then shouldn't she want to make him happy? When he said "I might not be attracted to you" it may mean different things. This is why I asked her if she wore the veil. Maybe the guy has not even seen her face properly? We don't know the full circumstances from the initial post.
I think its very easy for him to just go with the flow and lie and say everything is fine and then after they are married kick up a fuss. I think its good he is letting his true feelings out now (even if they may not be appreciated), better discuss it all now than later.
Attraction is different for different people. If it makes him happy and is not against any Islamic rules then shouldn't she want to make him happy? When he said "I might not be attracted to you" it may mean different things. This is why I asked her if she wore the veil. Maybe the guy has not even seen her face properly? We don't know the full circumstances from the initial post.
I think its very easy for him to just go with the flow and lie and say everything is fine and then after they are married kick up a fuss. I think its good he is letting his true feelings out now (even if they may not be appreciated), better discuss it all now than later.
I Dont think the sister cares that attraction is different for many people lol the bottom line is that what a woman wants is only to be accepted for who she is and what she believes and if he is not happy with that then surely you cannot expect her to blindly follow what he thinks is right?
that would not be fair. it will be hard work and nobody needs these extra headaches to be accepted from her own husband. it is enough for us muslimahs that society is judging us over choosing to wear abaaya and i think its clear from her post he has seen her face because she has stated she was wearing the hijab and not the niqaab.
all you need to do is see the persons face. the beauty of a woman is in her face.. some scholars believe. it dose not mean now you should remove more that would be asking to much and i believe that it is a clear sign that the brother is not religious or weak in his religious knowledge. just because he wants to marry her it dose not mean she should show everything. its crazy..
that would be against the rules and throw away her dignity just for a man.. so it means she should do the same then for every guy that wants to marry her? it would not make her a muslimah. it would make her something else.
Hes already giving her warnings that he don't know how he will feel later... this is clear signs of control freak its called..lol he wants to see will she give in to his wishes of throwing away her modesty.
I Dont think the sister cares that attraction is different for many people lol the bottom line is that what a woman wants is only to be accepted for who she is and what she believes and if he is not happy with that then surely you cannot expect her to blindly follow what he thinks is right?
Well then she should care. If she is beyond compromise I think she will have problems even if he accepts her clothing.
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
that would not be fair. it will be hard work and nobody needs these extra headaches to be accepted from her own husband. it is enough for us muslimahs that society is judging us over choosing to wear abaaya and i think its clear from her post he has seen her face because she has stated she was wearing the hijab and not the niqaab.
She said "full hijab". Only she can clarify what she meant by this.
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
all you need to do is see the persons face. the beauty of a woman is in her face.. some scholars believe. it dose not mean now you should remove more that would be asking to much and i believe that it is a clear sign that the brother is not religious or weak in his religious knowledge. just because he wants to marry her it dose not mean she should show everything. its crazy.. that would be against the rules and throw away her dignity just for a man.. so it means she should do the same then for every guy that wants to marry her? it would not make her a muslimah. it would make her something else.
You are judging his religious knowledge based on his personal preferences? When did he say he wants her to show everything? Are you saying the abbaya is the only way to cover the body?
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
Hes already giving her warnings that he don't know how he will feel later... this is clear signs of control freak its called..lol he wants to see will she give in to his wishes of throwing away her modesty.
I agree that was an odd thing to say but again we do not know the context it was said it. I think she needs to talk to him more and get him to explain exactly what he thinks she should wear.
Attraction is different for different people. If it makes him happy and is not against any Islamic rules then shouldn't she want to make him happy?
He isn't her husband yet brother and he pointed out that he felt she was hiding something. He doesn't have the right to say that. Of course she was hiding something from him - her modesty! And why on earth would a man not want his wife to go out in an abaya. A man can see his wife however in the privacy of their own home, so what is his problem if she wears an abaya outside. Could it mean he feels embarrassed to be seen with his abaya-donning wife because it reminds him of old women? lol what on earth!
When he said "I might not be attracted to you" it may mean different things. This is why I asked her if she wore the veil.
The sister said he told her she was beautiful. This means he did see her face. After all if he hadn't and he still thought she was beautiful, then he would be referring to her in full hijab, niqaab, abaya and hence him saying he might not be attracted to her later due to the abaya does not make sense.
I think its very easy for him to just go with the flow and lie and say everything is fine and then after they are married kick up a fuss.
I really hope men don't think like that. This isn't about him making her go to work or having four kids instead of two. It's about changing her core beliefs as a muslimah - her whole level of comfort. If anyone thinks it's easy to kick up a fuss and get what they want especially in trying to change a person for who they are, they are only fooling themselves.
I think its good he is letting his true feelings out now (even if they may not be appreciated), better discuss it all now than later.
Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
When you create an account, we remember exactly what you've read, so you always come right back where you left off. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and share your thoughts. Sign Up
sister.
Hide
Posting Permissions
Bookmarks