Ashamed of myself, confused really need help

**Anna.** · 10-06-2010

Asalaam-o-Alaikum
i am really really ashamed of wat i have been doing.....
before, i wasnt that bad.i never left my prayers n Quran.i was always the one who was in search of true Islam. reading out translations knowing meanings n stuff was my favorite work.
(i used to masturbate sometimes)... i do hijab. stayed away from relationships all my college n skool..

but i went into a relationship with a guy, he also prays regularly, (though he has done some bad deeds in past like he drunk 3 times, he had girlfriends and other such stuff) . he has taught me allot abt islam aswell.
many time he told me to stay away from him as he is not a good guy, bt after sometime we went into a relationship.... we started talking abt sex n kissing n stuff. i didnt meet him very often we were mostly on fone or chat. he told me that he does masturbating.i told him its nt gud .
but while he was talking to me on fone he started masturbating n his voice n stuff influenced me to do masturbating aswell. since the temproray pleasure was there so we continued it for few days. then after this i met him and we walked a little, arms in arms , i wasnt willing to leave him at that moment nor he wanted me to but he asked to wether if i want to go sumwhere wid him i said no, and then he suddenly told me to go back........ than we realised how wrong deeds we were going to do n we were doing...

he told me to forget all wat happened n to ask ALLAH for forgiveness.... bcuz he didnt trusted himself n didnt wanted to harm me more. he still talk to me but just to know if i am fine or not.....
i am really ashamed of myself, guilt is killing me........ regrets are there...... i am asking for forgivness from Allah all the time. i was really hopeless n even so depressed that i really thought of comiting suicide, but then a brother told me that anyone can be forgiven. told me some reference of Quran n Ahadees.gave me some hope.......
but i have lost my dignity, my self respect and most of all i feel a hypocrite,cuz every one from my fam think i am practicing but indeed they dont know wat HELL i have been doing.
every reason for wat i was doing hijab i ruined it......

its not that old when this happened, i am reallly in a terrible situation...
i try to keep my self busy at job n at home and in prayers doing ASTAGHFAR....
everything reminds me of wat i did.everyplace around me is where i used to meet him.
i am going through really tough time, i cant figure out how to not think about him. because i still dont hate him, i just hate myself because i lost control on myself

**Dagless** · 10-06-2010

Why don't you marry him if you guys like each other so much? I'm guessing you're very young though.
Suicide would be counter-productive (isn't it always?). I mean you thought about it because you feel guilty about the other sins, but suicide itself is a bigger sin than everything you've written combined so technically you'd be in a far worse position than you're in now.
Remember that you're only human so repent sincerely and move on. There is no point dwelling on this past mistake.

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 10-06-2010

wa alaykum us-Salaam
mashaAllah may allah accept your repentance and keep you steadfast. you think these feelings of regret are a torturous...you are probably really hurting and the guilt is killing you...but congratulations if it is. seriously, guilt doesn't come easy and if one is feeling guilty, then they realize what they have done wrong and consequently can aim for change...as opposed to someone who doesn't realize their mistake, unfortunately misses of on such fortune and may continue in sin. what a loss.

alhamdulillah you realize your mistakes and have sought forgiveness, but it doesn't stop here, you must remove anything that is causing you to sin so you don't repeat that sin. this guy sound like he maybe one of them so start from there =)

the more sins you accumulate you may end up falling into something deeper, so beware and be mindful.

get married, fast if you need to.

if you want to avoid sin remember much:
allah
death
the hereafter
the consequence of your actions.

increase your iman..pray, and be among righteous people.

**tigerkhan** · 10-06-2010

masallah nice advice by umm.sufyan..it like to add,,
1. never tell ur sins to anyone else bcz by thus u made a gawah for this sin on day of judjement.
2. do make instagfar for it while praying.
3. but never let shatan to take advantage of it...i mean what u had done wrong can never be back...but now better is to some gud like istaghfar, nor that u should think of sucide (a v.big gunnah) or something else like that...shatan generally try to make man hopeless, but we should have a good expectation from the rehmat of Allah SWT.
JZK

**Yanal** · 10-07-2010

For relationships with outsiders in Islam please check this link out as it will assist you,insha'Allaah: http://caliph.wordpress.com/articles/boy-girl/

**Anna.** · 10-12-2010

thank you for your replies n help...........
well getting married is the thing i was also wondering and when i met him he seemed serious for that, now maybe his friends n company has influenced him not to get married and maybe he is afraid that my parents will not agree.
n u know ppl have made marriage a weird thing to do n that fun n enjoyments end with it. responsibilities n stuff they make a scary concept.
I dont know why his attitude is a little changed i mean he likes me alot but getting married he thinks he is not in love with me......
repentance is wat he suggests to me but we still cant hold ourselves back from meeting and being together

we both see each other everyday n so we are forced towards each other.

**Anna.** · 10-12-2010

i know i am saying is really weird that i talk abt repentance n still am with him. but i come here because i dont want to go that path. but i also want him to come to right path.

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 10-12-2010

thats the thing if he wanted you, he would marry you. sorry to be blunt, but if he was really interested, he would inquire about your wali.

but i also want him to come to right path.

dont wait around hoping that you're going to guide him and end up doing a whole lot of other things that are sinful.

ask allah to grant you strength...sometimes we have no control over ourselves and nothign and no-one can help us except Him. so don't underestimate dua.