I am new to this forum and wanted to say Alhamdulillah for this informative website.
I am in a predicament with 2 girls. I have known the first girl for over 8 years. We split up in the 6 year mark and I started to see another girl. The first girl never moved on, most probably due to me coming in and out of her life. The second girl I have dated for over 2 years on and off. I have hit a point in my life that I try my best not to commit sin. I try to pray 5 times a day, read Quran but can not deter dating. I have tried to be single but it does not work.
I left the girl of 2 years to be with the first girl, because the first girl always supported and comforted and lastly spoiled me tremendously. Her love for me is very pure. My mother fell in love with the girl of 2 years. I have hurt both women very badly especially the one for 8 years, she has always taken me back and always has forgiven me and I cannot hurt her this last time.
I told my mother that the girl of 2 years is gone and I am back with the first one. My mother diasgreed, and said I do not bless this wedding. She says she doesn't feel it inside. I love my mother very much and would never hurt my mother especially with a big decision like this. I told my mother that I do not want to commit sin and for her to speak to her parents for marriage, she says its not your time if Allah wants it, the wedding will happen, but when I was with the girl of 2 years she kept pushing immediate marriage.
The reason I broke up with the girl of 2 years was because I was comparing her to the 8 year girl. Which is very wrong, and which I should of have not done. Also she had relations with 3 non-Muslim men during college and high school. I am not pure myself and I should not judge, but it disturbs me deeply and caused many fights and arguments. She tried very hard to make the relationship work but I did not(maybe because I knew I can always go back to the 8 year girl). On the other hand the 8 year girl lets me do anything I want, lets me go be with any girl I want only and only if I am happy with that person. She only wants my happiness be it with her or someone else.
My family loves the girl of 2 years, my grand parents included. Desi society is very wrong especially educated desi families. They want a "tall and slim" girl which the 2 year girl is, the other one is not as tall or lighter. I wrongfully somewhat compare the 8 year girl physically to the 2 year girl which is very wrong, but I have been brainwashed by this "tall and slim" preference.
I do not know what to do, I performed The Istikhara dua and I am unsure of the answer.
Inshallah with the help of Allah and my brothers and sisters in Islam this situation will be dissolved.
I am sorry Ahki but the only advice I can give is to avoid seeing or speaking to either girl. Go back to step one and this time seek a potential wife in a Halal manner. No contact without her wali present and go through the girls Father as a first step.
Above all- forget about anything that resembles the Western Idea of dating or the like.
I don't know what kind of family you have that allows you to date girls for almost 10 years, you should start by repenting for your sins then maybe Allah will guide you to a pious wife who hasn't been dating other men.
He it is Who sends blessings on you, as do His angels, that He may bring you out from the depths of Darkness into Light: and He is Full of Mercy to the Believers. [Quran {33:43}] www.QuranicAudio.com www.Quran.com
Woodrow-Salam and thank you for the advice, should I ask my elders to find the wife?
aadil-Salam. It is not my families fault I have dated women, they told me not to get involved in women but I did not listen. I am repenting continuously for Allah's forgiveness.
Woodrow-Salam and thank you for the advice, should I ask my elders to find the wife?
aadil-Salam. It is not my families fault I have dated women, they told me not to get involved in women but I did not listen. I am repenting continuously for Allah's forgiveness.
Asking the elders in your Family is an excellent first step. You may also want to ask the Imam at your Masjid if he has any suggestions. Quite often the Masjid is a good place to find a wife.
I am pleased to hear you are repenting over your past experience with dating. Dating can be a trap that is difficult to escape from.
p.s...short and chubby is better than tall and slim any day...everyday! but make sure you approach butterflies through their fathers....make it halal!....make it halal bro!
Last edited by Cabdullahi; 01-22-2011 at 06:26 PM.
I think the simple (or not so simple) answer is to marry whichever one makes you happier (after so many years you should know)... but do it soon. Nobody here can tell you which one since we don't know the girls or what your preference is. Stop seeing them both, then decide.
Bro Ahmed, if you think that the 8yr girl would actually be a good potential practising Muslim - then that might be better for you in marriage. If she will not, and your parents just want you to marry the 2yr one for her looks - then don't go ahead with it.
I recommend you move on in life from the 2yr one. She has experienced separation before, and i believe that you always feel you can 'drop' her whenever you want and go back to the 8yr one. This clearly shows you're more inclined to her. And i fear that if you got married to the 2yr one, you would always return back to the 8yr one and cheat on the 2yr one.
I am new to this forum and wanted to say Alhamdulillah for this informative website.
I am in a predicament with 2 girls. I have known the first girl for over 8 years. We split up in the 6 year mark and I started to see another girl. The first girl never moved on, most probably due to me coming in and out of her life. The second girl I have dated for over 2 years on and off. I have hit a point in my life that I try my best not to commit sin. I try to pray 5 times a day, read Quran but can not deter dating. I have tried to be single but it does not work.
I left the girl of 2 years to be with the first girl, because the first girl always supported and comforted and lastly spoiled me tremendously. Her love for me is very pure. My mother fell in love with the girl of 2 years. I have hurt both women very badly especially the one for 8 years, she has always taken me back and always has forgiven me and I cannot hurt her this last time.
I told my mother that the girl of 2 years is gone and I am back with the first one. My mother diasgreed, and said I do not bless this wedding. She says she doesn't feel it inside. I love my mother very much and would never hurt my mother especially with a big decision like this. I told my mother that I do not want to commit sin and for her to speak to her parents for marriage, she says its not your time if Allah wants it, the wedding will happen, but when I was with the girl of 2 years she kept pushing immediate marriage.
The reason I broke up with the girl of 2 years was because I was comparing her to the 8 year girl. Which is very wrong, and which I should of have not done. Also she had relations with 3 non-Muslim men during college and high school. I am not pure myself and I should not judge, but it disturbs me deeply and caused many fights and arguments. She tried very hard to make the relationship work but I did not(maybe because I knew I can always go back to the 8 year girl). On the other hand the 8 year girl lets me do anything I want, lets me go be with any girl I want only and only if I am happy with that person. She only wants my happiness be it with her or someone else.
My family loves the girl of 2 years, my grand parents included. Desi society is very wrong especially educated desi families. They want a "tall and slim" girl which the 2 year girl is, the other one is not as tall or lighter. I wrongfully somewhat compare the 8 year girl physically to the 2 year girl which is very wrong, but I have been brainwashed by this "tall and slim" preference.
I do not know what to do, I performed The Istikhara dua and I am unsure of the answer.
Inshallah with the help of Allah and my brothers and sisters in Islam this situation will be dissolved.
Salam
Salam and prayers to all.
Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issues with us. It is clear that you have been committing major sins for a number of years by having relationships with both women outside of marriage. Brother you should really fear Allah because if he were to take you then what would your excuse be as to why you had haraam relationships for all of these years? There is no excuse on your part and the fact is you know the difference between right and wrong and you clearly chose to do wrong.
We will be judged on the choices we make in life and you made the wrong choices for a number of years now which you will be accountable for. You have two choices to make now. Either you stop all contact immediatley with all non mahram women or if you were to be taken by death which you could be at any second then firstly yuo risk grave punishment which is a terrible and harsh punishment and then you will face Allah with having no excuses for the fact that you chose to do wrong by having haraam relations with these women for many years and even though you knew it was wrong you continued to do so even. So now the choice is yours brother as it is your life and you will be accountable for your own actions so choose the right path over the wrong path and the choose good over evil.
If you choose to make the right decision and to go towards good and the right path which is to stop all contact with non mahram women then you must inform them by e mail that you will be stopping all contact with them until you have thought things over and had some space and then you should change your e mail address and mobile number. This will give you an opportunity to think things over properly without being in touch with any of those women and will also mean that you can have a fresh start in terms of having a new number and e mail address which you should ONLY give out to good and pious people in your life and not to those who are not a good influence.
You should then sincerely repent over your sins begging to Allah for forgiveness for the countless major sins you have committed over the years with these women. Ask of Allah in the depths of the nights with full sincerity, meekness, humility and utter remorse over your actions. Have the full intention in your heart never to committ such sins again. If your repentance is sincere and true then you will find Allah most merciful. Ask of Allah to help you decide what to do in regards with these two women. You must not be in touch with them as mentioned before but you need this time to think over things properly and to repent over your actions. This time will then clear your head and you will know what to do.
My personal take on the decision whether you should marry one of the two women is firstly you should certainly not marry the second woman because if you are deeply disturbed now about her past then it will definatley affect you in the future and it will crop up and shaytha will definatley remind you about it and this will affect your relationship. Some people can deal with their partners past but others can't and it is understandable that it may crop up after marriage. So in your case you should certainly not marry that women. Also the fact that you left her after comparing her to the first girl shows that the first girl was better in character and behaviour and it is character and behaviour which will be the most important thing in married life as looks will dissapear.
In regards to the first women then i really am not sure about her because firstly she never really pushed you for marriage and secondly she was too relaxed about you seeing other girls but you know her better and you know whether or not she has the potential for being a practising Muslim women and whether or not you will have any problems with her in the future. If you do see problems in the future with her then you must also not marry her and instead go about marriage in the halal way and NEVER get to know a women before marriage without her mahrams again.
You will certainly have to make these decisions by yourself after a perioud of self reflect and repentance and changing your focus in life and aligning it with the hereafter and with pleasing Allah and refraining from anything that displeases him. You must build a fear of Allah inside of your heart because you are very lucky that you have a choice now to go towards the right path. If you choose the wrong path again then whatever happens after that you will have to pay the consequances for.
Use this perioud of self reflection and repentance wisely. Think to yourself whethr either women has potential of being practising and whether you can picture both of you happy in the future and whether their characters and behaviour are good and you will spend a happy life with them. Also make isthikhara again at least upto 7 times and ask of Allah sincerely begging to him for help and assistance and then put your full trust, reliance and faith in Allah that he will do what is best for you.
This perioud of time that you wil use for self reflection and contemplation of what to do next without those women being in your life is crucial and will also give you a chance to clear your head and be able to think straight about things. You should certainly consult with your parents about this decision but ultimatley the final decision will be yours. You must tell them in the best manner possible that although you respect their opinions and choices you are the one that is going to spend your life with this person not your parents so you will marry who you think is best for you in terms of deen, character and behaviour. You cannot let your parents make this decision for you because a lot of the times they have their own criterea and agenda which may not be what is best for you even though they may think it is but regardless of what they may think it is you who will spend your life with that person so it is you who will make the final decision.
So make the right choice now and change your contact number and e mail after informing them by e mail that you will not be in touch until you have had time to think, clear your head, repent and ask Allah and contemplate over things. I am sure they will respect this but this can only be done by you changing your contacts because they will certainly call, text or e mail you. The change of number and e mail will enable you to make a fresh start which is what you need and will mean that you can get rid of those who do not have a good influence on your life and rid your phone bok of non mahrams.
Make the right choice and go towards Allah. Fear him for he is most merciful but harsh in punishment and if we cannot tolerate a second of heat from fire in this world then how will we tolerate thousands of years of punishment in a place where fire is 70 times more hotter than the fire of this earth who's fuel is not oil, gas or coal but men and stones. Before that you have the grave punishment as well where no man or jinn can hear your screams but everything else can. So let us go towards Allah and fear him. Let us make the best of the little time we have in this world. Surely you came hee to read this so that you can make the right choice.
I pray that after you have done the right thing that Allah does whatever is best will happen for you and marrys you to the right partner who you can go towards the right path to jannah with. Ameen
These articles wil help you to maximise the amount of good deeds you do everyday so you can get closer to Allah inshallah:
I am very thankful for the wonderful responses. After many years, I am trying to stop all the sins I have committed and am trying to focus on the right path. I should have done this many years ago, but there is no one to blame but myself. I have seen many deaths in front of my eyes within a matter of a few years and it has hit me very hard. I try my very best to do prayers and read the Quran and try not to commit any sins which is very very hard.
I think it would be best to not speak to both women and let Allah decide for me when the time is right. I have performed Salatul Istikhara 3 times so far and will perform it 4 more times during this week. Inshallah with my focus on Allah and Islam my other hardships in life will improve.
Alhamdulillah for this forum and for the warm support I have received.
I am very thankful for the wonderful responses. After many years, I am trying to stop all the sins I have committed and am trying to focus on the right path. I should have done this many years ago, but there is no one to blame but myself. I have seen many deaths in front of my eyes within a matter of a few years and it has hit me very hard. I try my very best to do prayers and read the Quran and try not to commit any sins which is very very hard.
I think it would be best to not speak to both women and let Allah decide for me when the time is right. I have performed Salatul Istikhara 3 times so far and will perform it 4 more times during this week. Inshallah with my focus on Allah and Islam my other hardships in life will improve.
Alhamdulillah for this forum and for the warm support I have received.
Salam
Asalaamu Alaikum, My brother whatever you do in life do it to please Allah and do NOTHING to displease him. Go about EVERYTHING within the boundaries of Islam and you will find peace and blessings in it but go about things out of the boundaries of Islam and all you will see is misery and anguish. Our time here is little and if we keep wasting more time then we will be the losers. The time for us to change is now for they may not be a tomorrow!
We are here to support and help you inshallah but it is for you to make the right decisions for there are no excuses now for you know what is right and wrong. May Allah do whatever is best for you. Ameen
This is good to hear you are able to sort out your problem. I just want to add one thing that dating is not key / guarantee of a successful married-life.
May Allah help you figuring out this and bless your near-future wedding.
When there is nothing left but Allah that is when you find out that Allah is all you need.
Salam, I let go of both girls and do not contact them. I leave everything in Allahs hand because he know's best. Please make Du'uas for me and I will do the same for all of you.
Salam, I let go of both girls and do not contact them. I leave everything in Allahs hand because he know's best. Please make Du'uas for me and I will do the same for all of you.
Salam
Asalaamu Alaikum, you have certainly done the right thing my brother. Put your reliance, trust, faith and hopes in Allah that he will do whatever is best for you then you will NEVER be let down.
If you need any help advice on anything at all then please do not hesitate to ask.
May Allah do whatever is best for you in this situation and may he give you the best of this world and the hereafter. Ameen
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