I dont know what is wrong with me. I have made my life a living hell for my husband im always snapping getting angry over matters that hold no importance at all. When i got married two months ago i decided to go on the pill i didnt want to get pregnant. My whole personality has since changed completely i am constantly ready for a fight. My husband has been so patient with me overlooking my crazy ways but i cant any longer forgive myself now. First i was always in complete denial that i have become this monster but i see it now.
Anotjher problem we have is we still havent been able to do sex, because i was circumcised when i was young. My whole life is upside down and i feel like im losing it. I know that my circumcision can be undone through surgery but It upsets me so much when think about my hardship, i ask myself why? Normal people dont have to suffer like this. I hate that my husband has to go through this with me, hes been absolutely amazing reassuring me that he is patient and is willing to wait.
I was born in the west and as some of you are wondering that this was done to me in some third world country, it happened when i was 3 years old in europe. I have nothing against my mother i know its my grandmother who encouraged this practice. When my father returned from work and found me circumcised he threatened to kill my mothers family if they touch any of his daughters. Because of my fathers stance things were turned around my younger sisters didnt get to be circumcised. I live with this scar now in my heart. Completely scared and terrified of sex.
I love my husband more than life itself but i know that im the worst person he married. He deserves so much better, a woman who can please him and fulfill his desires. He keeps reminding me that i am the only woman who can do that and that he is in it for life with me. I ask for a divorce at least 5 times a week everytime i feel upset i keep demanding divorce like im insane. We tried to talk about everything. He said to me he can handle everything but the only matter that he cant handle is me asking for divorce almost everyday. Sometimes I want to free him of this thats why i want to leave.
All my life I lived a happy normal life, though i was circumcised...I did suffer a lot in my periods a couple of times I was rushed to hospital put on morphine. I continued living my life, its just once a month I suffered so It didnt really bother me. Its just now i am married everything has changed, my emotions out of control. This is so hard for me to talk about but I have to face this problem I cant keep avoiding it. My life is no longer my own anymore I have this amazing man who seems to love me I want to make life happy for both of us not be the reason we always fight. Please help me, I can be so horrible when I get into my out of control anger mode. I hate who I have become.
Jazakallahkhayran
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Sister subhanaAllah you are going through so much. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you have so much to be proud of InshaAllah. MashaAllah that you have a husband who loves you so much that he is not pressuring you. This anger, could it be due to stress? I'm not sure but I think it's the pill that's stressing you out too. May Allah swt calm you down sista, please pray your salat and make lots of dua. When the time is right sister are you willing to undergo surgery to get the circumcision undone? All they do is open you up.
My heart goes out to you sister, May Allah swt bless your courage and strength and grant you rahma in your household ameeen. Try not to ask for divorce so often MashaAllah Allah has blessed you with a wonderful husband don't take this blessing for granted. Be thankful to Allah and humble yourself. I understand that what you are going through isn't easy, but don't give up so easily.
I will definitely keep you in my duas.. May Allah bring you all of his blessings ameen.
I'm sorry if I am not of much help but you are in my duas sister.
Learn Patience from Asiyah, Loyalty from Khadijah, Sincerity from Aisha and Steadfastness from Fatima.
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