I am a supposed to be a Muslim student who immigrated to the united states. I am having hard times finding Allah. I do not think that I deserved at any time the reward of Allah, and nothing in my life seems to work. I know the reason behind all this it is because that I am so lazy and I can't even help my wife in the house. Why I am lazy, I think I feel sometimes that I am not appropriate, sometime I am but usually I am not. I lack of confidence inside and it keeps me away of doing anything positive. I have no good friends but my wife. I keep turning down people and life around me just because I don't feel appropriate.
Also, I keep masturbating watching porn online but I have never cheated on my wife. I thought many time about it but I have so much respect for my wife and I do love her. Also, girls a are somehow attracted to me when I am clean and well dressed. I just feel that I have a strong sexual apetite, my wife cannot have sex every day.
This past ramadan like the other ramadans, I fasted nearly half of it, because I feel I am weak and watched porn again because I am weak and this weakness makes me not fear Allah, which I think is dangerous and alarming. The days when I fast, I feel I am good and I do my prayers but I don't know If Alllah accepts them because I am just an hypocrite. I sined in ramadan then I try to be good muslim again, I think Allah knows that I am not truthful. Sometimes, I go to the mosque and I feel I am showing off praying and being a muslim.
I feel just Allah knows that I am weak and I know that Allah won't help me until I help myself. But I tryed everything to get away from my laziness and weakness and porn.
I stopped praying because I knew I would stop, and also I know Allah won't respond because he knows I will never be a strong man.
I am sad most of the time, to the point I feel depressed sometimes
I hope I did not forget something.
Please Help me with your advices
thank you very much.
I am not much knowledgeable to advice you but I think you should first take small steps. Allah is the most merciful and you should believe that what ever happened is because Allah willed. You are a Muslim how can you be hopeless and depressed and think that you can never be a strong man. Seeing your post I can see that you atleast want to become strong but think you can't. I think these videos will be helpful.
Tell them (O Muhammad ): 'O My slaves who have wronged their souls, do not despair of Allah's mercy, for Allah will forgive all the sins. He is indeed very Forgiving, very Compassionate, Turn to Him then, and obey Him (in all your affairs).'"
(Al-Zumar:53,54)
Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The similitude of a believer is that of (a standing) crop which the air continues to toss from one side to another; in the same way a believer always (receives the strokes) of misfortune. The similitude of a hypocrite is that of a cypress tree
which does not move until it is uprooted. (Sahih Muslim: Book #039, Hadith #6742)
Abu Sa'id and abu Huraira reported that they heard Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: Never a believer is stricken with discomfort, hardship or illness, grief or even with mental worry that his sins are not expiated for him. (Muslim - Book 032, Hadith Number 6242).
"Truly in the heart there is a void that can not be removed except with the company of Allah. And in it there is a sadness that can not be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah and being true to Him. And in it there is an emptiness that can not be filled except with love for Him and by turning to Him and always remembering Him. And if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it would not fill this emptiness." — Ibn al-Qayyim
I'd advise you see a physician first, maybe your so-called 'laziness' is a metabolic disorder like diabetes, anemia or hypothyroidism.. secondly take a look at your diet see if you are eating processed foods with preservatives and coloring and cut those out, start by doing 5 minutes of exercise every four days, then increase it as your energy level increases both in frequency and duration, and try to do the same thing with prayers.. when you pray you'll establish contact with God and that is the best anti-depressants as studies have shown having a personal faith works to release the same chemicals that anti-depressants do..
Also consider that Allah swt tests they whom he loves.. whenever I think the world is tight on me, I reflect on a 13 year old Syrian boy who was beaten for refusing to kneel to Asad, and well augment that to the lives of most Muslims if not 70% of the world population who live below poverty..
As for porn, I can honestly think of nothing sadder than someone watching a woman sell her body for food or whatever else.. how low must she feel and how awful that every time you watch you enable this heinous act.. you have a wife consider being with her, and think of all your brothers including on this board who can neither afford to marry or find a loving partner..
IF YOU DON'T LIKE SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
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