Can I stop talking to a boy?

Assalamu Alaykum.

If you have read my previous question, then you know my situation. How can I stop talking to a boy who is my friend?

Please give me advice.

Jazakhallah.

Assalamualaikum, sister.

Have a friend from opposite gender is allowed, as long as this friendship is just usual friendship and without do anything that forbidden like chat in closed room where other people can't see. Wasn't Rasulullah (saw) has many female friends (companions) who called sahabiyah ?

But how if this friendship is very close which both parties share everything in their hearts to each other ?.

I am not competent to say this is allowed or not allowed. But I will share what I know about it from my experiences.

I have written several times in this forum, not beauty or handsomeness that makes someone love another. But character and personality that makes someone love and attracted to another. In friendship between opposite gender that too close, both parties will find many attractive sides in another party character and personality, it will make them always want to have a togetherness, even they will feel uncomfortable if their friend look close to another man/woman. And, actually this is the early form of love.

Sister, you have been fall in love with your friend, aren't you ?

You can deny it, but I know, you have been fall in love with your friend, and it makes you very hard to stop talking with him. It also makes you very hard to stop your friendship with him because you always have a feeling to always be with him.

If you want to stop talking and stop your friendship you must able to eliminate your love to him. I know it's very difficult, and I have no idea how.

But if you want to always be with him, you must able to make him marry you. This is the only choice if you don't want to lose him. I know, it's heard like impossible, but if Allah want it happen, it would be happened.

I left my best friend who really love me after I proposed marriage to another girl. It made my friend so jealous. I knew it, then I told her, I love that girl so much and want to marry that girl. But my best friend was still waiting for me.

Then something happen, the girl who I intend to marry left me and married another man. Just guess the rest of the story. .... Yes, I married my best friend. Now we have two kids.

Okay, back to your case. I can't give you an advice because I don't have idea. But it's better if you make du'a. If your friend is not your husband in the future, wish Allah make you able to eliminate your love to your friend. But if your friend is your husband in the future, wish Allah to open the way to a marriage between you and your friend.

:wa:

ardianto said:

Assalamualaikum, sister.

Have a friend from opposite gender is allowed.... Wasn't Rasulullah (saw) has many female friends (companions) .

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these could easily be misinterpreted and can encourage one to have a friend from opposite gender.

Now a days , our new generations spend hours on facebook & other social sites or talk over phone with the opposite gender without any noble purpose or any proper need.

So , after having friendship and maintain the strict guidelines how not to cross the limit , it's safe & better NOT to have a boy / girl friend . In the co-ed system , one can be classmate but not ' friend' with whom normally we spend time closely .

may Allah protects us from all kinds of harmful , unIslamic relationship , Ameen.

Muslim Woman said:

these could easily be misinterpreted and can encourage one to have a friend from opposite gender.

Now a days , our new generations spend hours on facebook & other social sites or talk over phone with the opposite gender without any noble purpose or any proper need.

So , after having friendship and maintain the strict guidelines how not to cross the limit , it's safe & better NOT to have a boy / girl friend . In the co-ed system , one can be classmate but not ' friend' with whom normally we spend time closely .

may Allah protects us from all kinds of harmful , unIslamic relationship , Ameen.

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Assalamualaikum, sister.

I just realize, what I have written could easily misinterpreted. Thanks to remind me, Jazakillahu Khairan. But, excuse me, now my statement is easier to be misinterpreted because you cut it and eliminate the important explanation.

It's Okay, but let me explain with quote your sentence.

In the co-ed system , one can be classmate but not ' friend' with whom normally we spend time closely .

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Suppose, we are study in the same school in the classroom. Relationship between us in this time is as classmates. But after we graduate from the school, should we cut the tie of silaturahim between us? we don't need to cut our tie of silaturahim, we can continue it. When we meet we can greet each other, when you want to discuss (not idle talk) something with me, we can discuss. Of course, we must always follow Islamic rules. In example, we must talk in open space where your mahram, or at least other people can see us.

And what's the name of our ties of silaturahim? that's what I mean with friendship. But, yes, It's easily to be misinterpreted.

My reason to say "Have a friend from opposite gender is allowed" was to inform sister Blooming Flower, she doesn't need to cut her ties of silaturahim with her male friend and pretend like never know each other before. She still allowed to greet him with "Assalamualikum" when she meet him. And also she doesn't need to feel guilty just because she know each other with males. Have ties of silaturahim with opposite gender is not forbidden, as long as .....

"as long as this friendship is just usual friendship and without do anything that forbidden like chat in closed room where other people can't see." This just an example of what that permissible and what that impermissible in relationship between two persons from different gender who have ties of silaturahim. Of course, there are many other examples. We can ask ulama if we want to know other example.

I know many religious brothers and sisters here. They have tie of silaturahim with each other. I often heard brother say "She is my friend", and sister say "He is my friend" when they refer to someone from opposite gender who has ties of silaturahim with them.

Those brothers and sisters knew each other in some places, like madrasah, or Islamic course. They have graduated from places where they meet, but they do not cut their ties of silaturahim. They still greet each other, they can inform some important things, like Ustadz Ahmad will gives a lecture, Shaykh Abdullah will comes, etc.

"Wasn't Rasulullah (saw) has many female friends (companions) who called sahabiyah ?". Might be this is unnecesary explanation because this is not related directly to sister Blooming Flower case.

But, let me explain. There are people who said statement that similar with your statement but not so complete like yours "Man and woman can be classmate, but not friend". It could cause a confusion among youth because they could assume, Muslim society is 'separated' society which male and female are not allowed to know each other.

It's not true. Males and females are allowed to know each other and have tie of silaturahim as friend. I have read many stories of sahabah and sahabiyat. My conclusion, those sahabiyah knew Rasulullah (saw), and Rasulullah knew sahabiyah. This 'knew each other' created ties of silaturahim between them. And there was no special 'bond' that bind them like, excuse me, same classroom. Basically, this is friendship.

Ulama in my place do not forbid male and female build tie of silaturahim as friend. But of course, those males and females must follow Islamic rules in this relationship.

Having a friendship with opposite gender just leads to fitna, shaytaan starts whispering etc it could eventually lead to zinnah, people don't make friends with the opposite gender intending to do zinah, they make friends with the idea of "its ok to be friends as long as we don't cross the boundaries" but after a while maybe few months, or a year, when shaytaan has done all his whispering, things progress to something else more often than not.

this is a good book for you to read also. http://www.islamicboard.com/creativ...4-my-msn-story-heart-beak-series-special.html

@ op try to cut it off because this friendship could lead you to very serious sins, tread carefully. Don't give up, keep trying. This video is good example of how shaytaan makes things go down haraam path.

You should ask yourself what is the point of having this friendship, at some point sooner or later you will have to cut it off won't you? because whoever you marry will not like the idea that you have a close male friend who is not your mehram, so best to end it now cos the longer you leave it, the harder it will be. I've heard stories of friendships like this breaking marriages because the boy and girl talk for years then one of them gets married and they carry on talking, then the husband or wife isn't comfortable with the idea of their partner having male/female friends and it causes problems. So think about the future also.

Imagine you marry a man, and you find out he talks to another woman who's been his friend for years and she knows everything about him and they share such a deep connection that he values her friendship more than anything, you're not going to be happy with having this guy as your husband right? cos its natural to want to be the only special person of the opposite gender in your partners life, same way if you carry on this friendship when you get married your husband will not like this also.

I'm sure you know all this as you're asking for ways to end it, that's the hard part because this friendship has become your habbit, and habbits are very hard to break, but you just have to be strong and tell yourself its for the best this way, and logically it is for the best this way cos you'll save yourself from a whole bunch of problems in the future, as the days go past it will get easier. Once you break the habbit of talking to him on a regular basis you'll find it easy. Listen/read a lot of Qur'an when you feel the need to talk to him remember Allah. It's like a drug addiction, the longer you go without it, the easier it gets. Take it from someone who knows, it plays havoc with your emotions but its all fake that's what you have to remember at the end of the day.

Check out these short clips they're not long so watch them.

I have to disagree with brothers adrianto and Tyrion. The prophet is an exceptional case, he was mahram to all woman. Interacting with the oppositie gender is allowed up to a certain limit.

Theres no possible way to maintain friendship with a woman you are non-mahram to whilst staying within islamic limits.

marwen said:

This is not a correct argument brother ardianto.

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Jazak Allah Khayr. Thanks to remind me that is not correct argument to support my statement about have friend from opposite gender. But let me explain why I describe sahabiyat as female friends.

I speak Indonesian (Malay) which many of words in this language are originaly from Arabic. There is a word in my language, "sahabat", this the the 'advance form' of friend, or in exactly True Friend, which all in this friendship always help and support each other. And sahabah in my language are called "sahabat Rasul"

From what I have read in stories of sahabah, I could feel, there were True Friendship between Rasulullah (saw) and sahabah, and between a sahabi and other sahabah, which they always help and support each other. But of course, this True Friendship is different than friendship in common meaning which close to having fun together.

And from some stories of sahabiyat, I also found there were True Friendship between sahabiyat and Rasulullah (saw). They always support what Rasulullah (saw) did, and when they need help like need an advice, they came to Rasulullah (saw). Of course, like I have said, this is not friendship in common meaning because I never heard they had lunch together with Rasulullah. Different than male sahabah.

However, after I active in Islamic forums, I began to find statement "have friends from opposite gender is not allowed". I tried to know what they meant with this statement, and I found (but maybe just my assumption) they talk about having a tie of silaturahim, or in another word, prohibition to know each other, not only about relationship between opposite gender that has through the limit.

And it raised a question in my mind. If know each other with someone from opposite gender is not allowed in Islam, why there were female people who called sahabiyat? isn't sahabiyat means "the True Female friends (in true friendship) ?"

But, like I have said, my statement in my first post is not correct argument. I apologize.

A reminder to all :

Rasulullah Sallallahu alaihi wasallam said: "The adultery of the eyes is evil looks. The adultery of the feet is to walk towards the sin. The adultery of the tongue is lustful talk. The adultery of the heart is the evil desire and in the end the sexual organs testify all this or deny it."



In another Hadeeth, Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi wasallam said:

"The hands also commit adultery, their adultery is touching; the feet also commit adultery, their adultery is walking towards adultery; the mouth also commits adultery, its adultery is kissing." (Muslim, Abu Dawood)


***

"In Islam, there is no such thing as a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. You are either married or you are not."
By Amatullah Islam

http://www.islamfortoday.com/girlfriend.htm

Sala, this is further to Brother Ardianto & sis Muslimah etc

I recently watched this movie "Muslim" and it's kind they think of crazy side of Islam exist, which infact is not Islamic at all, father tighting the neck of his family, son has to recite page of Quran daily and must listen to him because we must serve Allah, that's how it goes.

Countless Muslim people think tighting is good, dont allow your daughters to talk to men, keep them lock, dont shake hands etc etc

Well in your situation sister, I think it all depends, we must hear enough side of your story to be able to give a good advise that suits you.

My husband is Muslim alhamdollellah but people could think he is not a good Muslim, well only Allah knows best,

when he was young he used to talk to girls, be friend with them, you know University and young life, he is at their service including me, he had many suitors yes abundant in Arab country, but he was not attracted to Arab women, so perhaps its safe he is friend with Arab women but not asian

on top of that I found out later on that his Mother is no. 1 woman in his life

so the story goes we become friends, we were talking sharing etc but he never really introduce me to ISLAM formally, I just observe his deeds and I love it, he never force me into ISLAM, eventually we got married and now I can say that he is top Muslim I've ever known. Not because he talks ISLAM all the time, no, not at all, he spends hours and hours watching movie but still he is top Muslim I've ever known and I love him for who he is, May Allah reward him for making me so happy, alhamdollellah

Okay life is different now, he dont talk or serve any other women now except me and his family

Talking is okay as long as you dont cross the line, but if you think you are developing to him, it's best to avoid him if you are very young or let your parents intervene, as I said, it all depends on your whole situation,

I was just commenting further to talking with opposite gender or not

Salam Brother Marwan

I cant give her advise coz I dont know the full story, she's talking to a boy about what? Are they classmates and they have to talk about school stuff or talking like chatting all about anything and eventually she feels for him and so on... I dont know, cant jump to conclusion

marwen said:

^ She is just asking for advice how to stop talking to a boy.
..

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easy , no boyfriend = no talking :statisfie

I've seen the line "It's ok to talk as long as you stay within the boundaries" used by many people,

But what happens if a person's desire takes over him and he/she crosses the line and fall into zina? is such a risk worth it? :hmm: this takes me back to my original point, no one talks to the opposite gender with the intention of doing zina, they say to themselves I won't cross the line, but then it eventually happens due to shaytaan putting strong desires in the two people's heart, why would anyone put themselves at risk of this considering that the prophet (saw) said I'm paraphrasing this isn't exact quote but it was something like "guard the two holes and I will guarantee you paradise". the two wholes he meant is the mouth and private parts, the mouth from speaking bad stuff and the private parts from doing haraam stuff, so it's not something light you could be one of those guaranteed jannah if you protected yourself from zinnah.

giving advice to someone that its ok to have male friends as long as the boundaries aren't cross is very dangerous because its giving the person a potential avenue to zina. On day of judgement she could say, "so and so told me it was ok to have male friends as long as the boundaries wern't crossed and thats why I fell into zina, if they advised me properly to cut off this friendship I wouldn't have fell into it!!"

In Islam anything that could lead to zina should be cut off, because prevention is better, that's why we don't have mixed weddings or mixed gatherings in the masjid because any unnecessary mixing should be prevented, this applies to unnecessary talking also.

The mentality of "it's ok as long as we don't cross the boundaries" then this can quite easily lead a person into zina. And it's really not worth it, its like gambling and testing yourself if you put yourself in these situations.

Any unnecessary idle talking should not be done lest a person's heart be moved with desire

Insaanah said:

Just to clarify, that SilaturRahm, which we are commanded to do, means maintaining/joining the ties of kinship/relations. There cannot be silaturrahm wih friends, unless your friends happen to be related to you. Of course you treat your friends nicely, but the very word rahm means womb, so it refers to relatives only.

It follows, then, that there is no such thing as silaturahm with a non-related male.

I hope I have not offended in what I have said.

And Allah knows best in all matters, and may He forgive me if I said anything wrong.
.

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Salam Ukhtee interesting advise, mashallah and also
I have learned a word today and I wish to have a correct understanding so I re-checked w/ husband and he said you are correct, that very word has two meanings, that's the womb & mercy, it is very common to use the words for relatives and also applicable for far relatives and friends, including neighbors, besides we all came from same source (Adam & Eve)... Even he is not 100% sure bcoz the very word is too deep but people are using with non relatives, i guess its the intention that counts

Allah knows best.

Arabic is really hard, I never learned a proper one being here for almost 9yrs.
May Allah make arabic easy for us,Amen

Riana17 said:

Salam Brother Marwan

I cant give her advise coz I dont know the full story, she's talking to a boy about what? Are they classmates and they have to talk about school stuff or talking like chatting all about anything and eventually she feels for him and so on... I dont know, cant jump to conclusion

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Assalamu Alaykum.
I am very sorry for the confusion.

About 25% of our conversation is about school and the other 75% is about random things. But there are always other girls around too, so we're not alone.

I talk to him because he is not like other guys. He doesn't talk about girls or sports. He has a feminine side to him. I've known him for 2 years now but I can't seem to end this friendship. That is why I am asking for advice on how to break this tie. Should I gradually stop talking to him so we get farther away from each other?

I am very thankful for the Muslims here who are trying to help me.

Salam Ukhtee,

So you are still at school? Very young mashallah.

So I understand you are developing to him and yes it is very common for teenage girls to fall for a'l'a feminine men, that's how we will get attach
We are not after looks, we love men who understands women, have a soft heart and we hate maniac men lol

So I guess from advises given, you know which ones for you
Dont try the fire on, you are young and weak, at this stage you should avoid communicating with him further not to develop this young feelings of yours, maybe you can talk about school stuff with other girls?

My case was different, I was young and inlove but nothing committed just because poor life is pulling me back, I dont wanna marry early and I pray to have a better life, that's what held me in, but if case is different like I could go to school not worrying about consequences because parents provide well, I guess I could end up pregnant and no way I want that. Oh no!!! such a nightmare, Im already 26 and married and still worries a bit about having a baby, coz real life is not how we think it is when we were teenager, its more complex


Nothing serious so far, I think you are still on your mind coz you know & you are intending to be away from him from your Q, it just need a little confidence and firm action it's okay to admire :statisfie:statisfie:statisfie
its cute feelings, we oldies cant feel that anymore looool
so i guess,admire far far away?

I dont like to tight on you really, I didnt regret once that I had crushes before, its really cute feelings but alhamdollellah I know where I stand. and again, wow I wasnt pregnant, many many girls from my country got preggy at age of 14 on average, or they end up housewives without tasting a good career, No I didnt want that, wow really scary, Am I crazy now lool, it's really scary to marry and have kids when you're not expecting , so yes ukhtee i hope it'll help, think about what scares you the most


If you wanna be a mama at this age, then go ahead looool

May Allah guide you if you are close to your mom, perhaps you can talk to her