sis Haafizah advised to offer Istekhara salat.
Assalamu-Alaikum,
I am an Indian Muslim.
I got married to this beautiful and amazing girl last year. She is very nice and I am madly in love with my wife. I thank Allah for giving me such a wonderful life partner.
Our relationship had a bumpy beginning though. Our engagement was broken initially because of some misunderstanding. But after a lot of efforts from both sides we ended up marrying each other . I was very happy.
But the happiness was short-lived as I realized that my wife was never in the favor of this alliance and was forced by her parents.
My in-laws are highly religious, educated and open-minded people. I never expected that they would force their daughter. I was devastated on knowing it.
Even though our marriage had happened against her will my wife tried her level best to make up. Her behavior towards me and my family is good. During the initial days of our marriage we shared a very good chemistry (at least i felt so.). But since she has been hurt badly by her family she is often disturbed and sad. The past events haunt her all the time. She is finding it difficult to cope up.She is in depression and seeking psychiatric counseling for her condition. But nothing seems to work so far. She is now asking for a separation as she thinks that is the only solution for her problem.
All this has left me heart broken. I love my wife as much I love my parents. She has become integral part of my life. Initially seeing her condition I agreed for a separation.
But the sheer thought of separation itself is killing me now. I have realized that I have a lot of affection for her and can't imagine my life without her.
Even my family has no problems with her. In fact they are fond of my wife.And they too are very sad with these developments.
From last few months our relationship is not like a normal married couple (no physical intimacy). We are living like friends. In fact I think we are very good friends. We have a very healthy communication, we cook together, we eat together and enjoy doing many activities together. But whenever I try to talk to her about marriage she gets sad and gloom.
I tried to understand the reasons for her rejection of this relationship. Out of the many other factors she has some problem with my behavior as well. I am a straight forward and honest person. I rarely think before making any comment and try to be honest every time. Because of this habit I have hurt many people unintentionally especially my wife on few occasions. She tried to explain me but I never understood. This has made a bad impression on her and she feels we are incompatible enough to part away. I tried to assure her that I will change and I am trying very hard. But she is more than convinced that I wont change and the relationship is doomed.
I love her very much and I am ready to do anything for her. How do I convince her???
Also how do I handle this situation.
On one hand I love her and on the other hand I cant see her suffer. And she is suffering because of our marriage.
Please guide me. I request for dua!!
sis Haafizah advised to offer Istekhara salat.
Yes offer salat istekhara as the sister says
Bear in mind that The act of forced marriages is something that is not good, nor fruitful whether it is man being forced or woman being forced into marriage , because its foundation is corrupt, and whatever stands upon a corrupt foundation shall eventually falter and will not have a good ending.
Aa'ishah reported that a girl came to her and said, "My father married me to his brother's son in order to raise his social standing, and I did not want this marriage [I was forced into it]." ?Aa'ishah said, "Sit here until the Prophet(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) comes. The Messenger of Allaah
So as you can see, a lady came to Aisha informing her that her father had forced her to marry someone she did not want, Aisha called the prophet Muhammad to see what his ruling on the matter would be, and as you can see the prophet then sent for her father, and gave the girl a choice in the matter, as to whether she wanted the marriage to remain intact or get a divorce.
Hence this makes it all clear that forced marriage is not allowed, . Another hadith records the prophet Muhammad saying:
So whenever the prophet Muhammad makes a ruling on a matter, we must follow it, and we have no right to contradict it, to do so is to commit a major sin, hence any Muslim who thinks its okay to force a person into marriage is committing a major sin since they are disobeying God because he called on us to obey the prophet.
So therefore forced marriage is not allowed, it is corrupt, and a corrupt foundation does not have a fruitful ending. Last but not least, here is what Allah says concerning this matter:
004.019
YUSUFALI: O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may Take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.
Allah the most high forbids the act of forced marriage, so therefore this act is a sin and against God's true teachings
.
Last edited by Predator; 06-07-2012 at 12:49 PM.
brother,
May Allah rectify your affairs and set them in order. Ameen.
You and your wife have a common enemy. The accursed Shaytaan who is bent on destroying your marriage and won't rest until he has completed his mission. The first thing we do in a fight is use the weapon at hand. We don't put it down to look for alternatives. The weapon of the believer is the dua. Insha Allah use it bro! I will put the links below insha Allah.
Secondly, listen to what you said:
- During the initial days of our marriage we shared a very good chemistry (at least i felt so.)
- Out of the many other factors she has some problem with my behavior as well... I rarely think before making any comment and try to be honest every time. Because of this habit I have hurt many people unintentionally especially my wife on few occasions.
I think those are very big clues as to some of your wife's unhappiness, and maybe even a large part of it. As you know as they say, the wounds of knife can heal but the wounds of tongue don't. This is a lesson to all, especially myself.
The Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) said, 'A believer is
one from whose hands and tongue other muslims are safe from.'
Please don't mind bro, but when we are trying to understand a matter, we look at it from all angles, so I hope you mind, but at first I was thinking that maybe your wife had hoped to marry someone else before her marriage to you (there is nothing wrong with that) and that is why she is unhappy. But I find it unusual for a person to appear happy in the beginning of an forced marriage, then become dissatisfied with it later? The opposite is more likely. Maybe your wife accepted the marriage, but later became disillusioned with it and that triggered off past hurt and reminders that she didn't want this in the first place? Have you asked her if that is true? Have you admitted and apologized to her for the hurtful things you've said to her? Have you assessed your own weaknesses and made efforts to change them? Masha Allah you do many things together which is excellent. Insha Allah you both pray and practice Islam to your best ability? I advise you to speak to an older male relative/friend, whom you can trust and is knowledgeable and wise. May be you wife has problems with some aspects of your behaviour which she daren't mention.
Finally, if your wife continues to ask for a separation then allow it for a set period. Keeping her against her will do more harm than good. Sometimes just agreeing to a person's demand shocks them into realizing that is not what they want after all. I understand you love your wife, but don't let it blind you. God is more worthy of our love than any human being. I don't know your religious commitments, so I hope you don't mind me reminding you. Be mindful of your duties to Allah. Go to the mosque to pray. Pray sunnahs/nawafils with your wife at home. read Quran together. Make dua for yourselves. And recite Surah Ash -Shahr (94) as much as possible and make dua after salah, dhikr and quranic recitation. I pray to Allah to protect your marriage from the shaytaan's dirty work and protect it from hasad and the evil of men and jinn and the evil Allah created in ourselves. Ameen.
Dua for anguish - http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/Fortress/035.html
Dua for when something becomes difficult for you - http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/Fortress/043.html
Dua for worry and grief - http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/Fortress/034.html
wa alaykum assalam.
CosmicPathos liked this post
Read this;
"They Forced Me..."
http://www.islamicboard.com/health-s...ml#post1124614
~ Sabr ~ liked this post
I am glad UK has passed a law banning Forced marraiages which you proudly supportformat_quote Originally Posted by - Qatada -
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/ipad/bri...-1226389651838
Forced marriage violates human rights, it all starts with "I am your father, it is my duty to get you married and you will marry a woman that I decide ."
and he was instantly wrong. He had no right to impose his choice on his son . This confusion between parental responsibilities and parental will is at the
core of this practice. and parents have no right to choose their marital partner.
Emotional blackmail is one of the key factors that traps sons and daughters. .
eg : "Your father or mother will kill himself if you dont marry this woman – surely you don't want him to do that?" .
Well , If your father or mother wants to buy a one-way ticket to hell, then good luck to him," and show them the hadith on suicide and dont pray Salatul Janazah for them , just like The Prophet (PBUH) didnt pray Salatul Janazah for those who comitted suicide
Forced marriages have nothing to do with honour or keeping promises. They have everything to do with power, control and social status. You should never submit to that – and deep inside the parents will know this , But they will still want to control you
Brother AHJ1, you said your wife wants a separation. I took that to mean 'some time apart' to sort her feelings out. Did you mean to say she is asking for a divorce?
Jazakallah khair sister 'Snowflake' for your kind advice.
Jazakallah khair ,all other members who have posted and tried to help me.
I earnestly request for dua!!! Need it badly!!
Sister 'Snowflake' by seperation I mean divorce.
I spoke with my wife several times on this issue. We usually discuss these things with an open mind. We are indeed good friends.
She made it clear that she is not rejecting our marriage because she wanted to marry someone else.
In my post I mentioned that we had a bumpy begining to our alliance and our engagement with each other was initially broken.
But by Allah's grace it was sorted out.
I had hurt her(unintentionally) at that time and she refused(that thing is still somewhere in her mind).
To patch-up between us her family pressurised her by all means. She kept refusing but finally had to succumb and agreed to the alliance.
This pushed her into depression. Her parents ignored her state which further agravated the situation. I came to know all of this after marriage.
I am not complaning about her family here. Theirs is a very religious family.I have highest regard for them.
But they misjudged the gravity of the situation then. They felt things would be fine after marriage.
All this has left my wife with deep emotional wounds. She is finding it difficult to forget the past.
Also she is unable to trust me. She thinks I dont love her and I am kind to her as I pity her condition of depression.
Even my playfullness has hurt her on occasions.
Fed up with all this she came to a conclusion.Divorce!!. She thinks it is the only solution.
She said she tried to makeup with me and accept our marriage but she is unable to convince herself.
Her parents now feel that she is under some magic or under influence of Jinn. They are investigating from that angle.
I love her very much.I am devastated. I dont know what to do. Feeling extremly low. Allah guide me !! Give me strength.
I am and will definitely pray and do 'dua'. I want my beloved wife to be with me.
Request for dua!!!
I have made sincere efforts to change myself and I am trying very hard.
I have apologized to her for my wrong doings.
Many times she says she doesn't have anything against me as such. But even then she is unable to commit.
I am confused !!!
I cannot help you brother. if your wife wants a divorce, you can't force her into the marriage. At the time of the Prophet (SAW) a woman came and asked for divorced. the Prophet (SAW) simply asked her if her husband had given her anything. he didn't try to pressure her or advise her to change her mind. when she told him she had received two gardens, he told her to return them to her husband and told the husband to divorce her.
another case happened where there were two slaves married to each other. the female slave was freed by her owner. when she got her freedom, she had the choice of remaining with her husband or parting with him. she chose to part with him. since her husband still wanted her to be his wife, the Prophet (SAW) advised her. she asked whether this was an advice or a command. when she was told it was just an advice, she chose the divorce and she left her husband though he was crying for her.
all these show that you can't force a woman to stay in the marriage.
i dont know but i get easily attached to ppl if they r good. many times u come to know value of ppl when u lose them. so who knows if u r seperated, she regret it at some point. anyway its a complex situation. she need some consutation i think.
There is no spearation in Islam. either the two live together or they divorce. however, you can swear for upto four months, so you don't share a room with her during that time. during that time, maybe she will rethink the situation. after the four months are over, if she still wants a divorce, then you'll know.
jazakallah for clearification..i mean if they r seperated through divorce, maybe leter on she too feel that she was at fault. i see many girls who take descion in sentiments but later feel they were wrong.
format_quote Originally Posted by AHJ1
Some outsider should tell her that you are a really good guy, and that she will rarely find guys who are committed like you. And that she should be happy she has a guy who is willing to change to please her. Marriage isnt always about love, its often about getting along with each other and not conflicting all the time.
Trust me, she would appreciate you if she had a bad experience before this. But some people take longer to learn than others...
This post might seem harsh, but this is the reality of life.
What you have to do is show her that you're willing to make it work, and if she persists in wanting a way out - you will give her that opportunity, but an outsider should tell her that it's difficult to find committed and kind people like you.
NOTE: I don't want you to feel too confident with what i've said bro, but it is an encouragement for you to stay good, bettering yourself continuously. It's also an encouragement for you to become more like a man, meaning be more confident in yourself, be more stronger in your decision making, and do things which will impress her and show her you are the responsible husband a girl will want. Continue being patient with her, and if you guys get older and she persists in not wanting to be with you, you will not have the pressure of family so you two can separate for a while (without divorce). If she returns to you, and misses you - it might be a good sign to stay together. If she still doesn't prefer you, then that is a sign that this marriage isn't worth it in the long term.
Allah knows best.
He does seem like a really good guy.. in shaa Allah, Allah swt will grant him much happiness..
from a female perspective.. you shouldn't be a doormat either.. women like men who are self-assured and confidant without being inflated in the head..
format_quote Originally Posted by AHJ1Jazakallah khair sister 'Snowflake' for your kind advice.
Jazakallah khair ,all other members who have posted and tried to help me.
I earnestly request for dua!!! Need it badly!!
Sister 'Snowflake' by seperation I mean divorce.
I spoke with my wife several times on this issue. We usually discuss these things with an open mind. We are indeed good friends.
She made it clear that she is not rejecting our marriage because she wanted to marry someone else.
In my post I mentioned that we had a bumpy begining to our alliance and our engagement with each other was initially broken.
But by Allah's grace it was sorted out.
I had hurt her(unintentionally) at that time and she refused(that thing is still somewhere in her mind).
To patch-up between us her family pressurised her by all means. She kept refusing but finally had to succumb and agreed to the alliance.
This pushed her into depression. Her parents ignored her state which further agravated the situation. I came to know all of this after marriage.
I am not complaning about her family here. Theirs is a very religious family.I have highest regard for them.
But they misjudged the gravity of the situation then. They felt things would be fine after marriage.
All this has left my wife with deep emotional wounds. She is finding it difficult to forget the past.
Also she is unable to trust me. She thinks I dont love her and I am kind to her as I pity her condition of depression.
Even my playfullness has hurt her on occasions.
Fed up with all this she came to a conclusion.Divorce!!. She thinks it is the only solution.
She said she tried to makeup with me and accept our marriage but she is unable to convince herself.
Her parents now feel that she is under some magic or under influence of Jinn. They are investigating from that angle.
I love her very much.I am devastated. I dont know what to do. Feeling extremly low. Allah guide me !! Give me strength.
I am and will definitely pray and do 'dua'. I want my beloved wife to be with me.
Request for dua!!!
Thanks for clarifying bro. I'm so sorry for your pain. Some amazing advice has been given. Hope it helps insha Allah. I very much doubt that there is any influence of jinn/black magic on your wife/marriage. If there was then it's most likely that there'd have been no chemistry between you both from day one. But Allahu alam. What's important is to remember that life is a test and every single person will have their share of hardships and trials. Allah said in the Quran:
“And certainly, We shall test you with a bit of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits.So be patient bro. Just because your wife is asking for a divorce, it doesn't mean you have to divorce her on the spot. First ask your wife is she is willing to have time apart to rethink about the divorce. Tell her you care deeply for her and are afraid that she may be ruining her life. So you don't want her to rush into anything she might regret.
But give glad tidings to the patient ones who, when afflicted with a calamity, say:
“Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.”
They are those upon whom are the blessings, descend from their Lord,
and they receive His Mercy, and it is they who are guided.” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:155-157)
There is nothing wrong if you give her permission to stay at her parents for a while. It is better than outright divorce. And I know it's hard, but please stop panicking. The love you have for your wife is making you weak. As other brothers and sisters have said, women do not take kindly to very emotional men.
Hopefully some brothers can advise you openly in private insha Allah.
Jazakallah khair, all of you who are trying to help me with your valuable advices.
I pray to Allah to fulfill all your wishes!!!
My wife's love is indeed making me weak. But yes being emotional is not going to help.
The right thing to do would be not to panic, be patient and have faith in Allah. Thank you all for guiding me!!!
I have spoken about this matter with my in-laws. They are ready to help (but I made sure they do it without hurting my wife).
I would try to do whatever possible from my side to win her over. Rest I leave to Allah. He knows what is best for me and my wife.
I welcome more advices on this.
Earnest request for dua!!!
جوري liked this post
^masha Allah. May Allah reward your patience and do good for you in both worlds. Ameen.
Brother remember how much Rasulullah (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) loved Khajeedah (ra)? She was a great source of comfort and strength for him in hard times. But when Allah away one beloved wife from him, He blessed the Prophet with Aisha (ra) whom he came to love so deeply that he said about her:
Allah is the All Knowing and Wise, and will do only what's good for you insha Allah.
The Prophet (PBUH) said about Khadija (RA) “I have been given her love.” Narrated by Muslim.
The Prophet (PBUH) said “O, Allah, the things which are in my control (i.e. justice and equality between
different wives) I always do justice (with them), but forgive me for that which is
beyond my control (i.e. my love with Ayesha)”.
She is lucky to have you as her husband, but brother, why do you insist on being taken for granted? Your wife has issues with her family, if she leaves you and goes back to them, she is not resolving anything until she can let go of the past, forgive them and learn to be happy with what she is given. Having said that she still has the right to leave you, so you will have to find a way to accept this.
I think you are right sister 'gladTidings'. The main problem she has is with her family.
Things won't be normal unless she resolves the issues with her family. It has to be settled first.
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