Angry Siblings - How Do I Calm Them Down?

**hisnameiszzz** · 08-24-2014

Salaams all.

I was hoping some of you might know of a way to assist me.

I have 2 older siblings. 1 is a female and is married with 2 kids and is in her 30's. 1 is male and is single and in his 20's. Both are extremely angry people and feel they can do no wrong and that if anything does go wrong, it's always someone else's fault. I am not sure where it stems from (probably from dad as he could do not wrong as well and it was always my Mom's fault), but the littlest thing sets them off and they end up hurling out a torrent of abuse. I feel bad for them as I genuinely feel they have no control of what comes out of their mouths. I am the polar opposite of them. If I am blamed for something, rightly or wrongly, I will take it on the chin. I don't feel the need to hurl out abuse or blame anyone else even if it might be their fault.

Let me give you an example: angry brother has a falling out with another brother over something trivial like eating more slices of a pizza leaving the other brother with not enough. Other brother tells the angry brother off in a calm manner saying he took more than his fair share. Angry brother will go crazy and come out with a whole torrent of abuse including swear words and curses. If I jump in and tell them to calm down and not make a big issue of something so trivial, I will end up getting abuse too. Normally I get the "if you weren't born, none of this would happen" line which I am used to now and it makes no difference to me but it is a truly awful thing to say. If Mom jumps in, she normally gets a few swear words hurled at her too. Just today we have had about 3 outbursts from him. I don't know if he has any control of what comes out of his mouth.....

Mashallah. both are quite pious (doesn't sound like it from their cursing and swearing). They pray salaah, the brother goes to jamaat, and both of them listen to sermons and lectures and do try and follow Islam the best they can. My brother knows a lot of hadeeths and is always going on about how bad the tongue can affect someone, once you have said something you can't take it back etc. I don't want you guys to think they are complete heathens.

I was just wondering if there was anything I could do or pray to calm them down from being such angry people? I do make dua for them, but I don't know if they are like that for life or if it's just a passing phase (which seems to have gone on forever).

Thanks for reading and thanks to anyone who might be able to help or advise me.

**drac16** · 08-29-2014

Wa alaykum salam,

I admire your patience. In my opinion, one of the indications of a good man is one who keeps his cool. It's a very underrated quality. Just know that when you're brother or sister get angry, they are not sober-minded. In other words, when they are in this state, they're not able to reason properly and that's what causes them to say things they wouldn't say if they were they were perfectly calm.

Try to remain as calm as you can. In my experience, when someone is angry, responding back with anger only escalates the situation. If your brother or sister yell at you for something, you would be making the situation worse by yelling back, because that would make him/her even angrier than before. To a degree, I can understand how difficult it is because I have a few family members who talk loudly, to put it lightly. You can't extinguish anger with anger, though.

**hisnameiszzz** · 08-29-2014

Originally Posted by drac16

Wa alaykum salam,

I admire your patience. In my opinion, one of the indications of a good man is one who keeps his cool. It's a very underrated quality. Just know that when you're brother or sister get angry, they are not sober-minded. In other words, when they are in this state, they're not able to reason properly and that's what causes them to say things they wouldn't say if they were they were perfectly calm.

Try to remain as calm as you can. In my experience, when someone is angry, responding back with anger only escalates the situation. If your brother or sister yell at you for something, you would be making the situation worse by yelling back, because that would make him/her even angrier than before. To a degree, I can understand how difficult it is because I have a few family members who talk loudly, to put it lightly. You can't extinguish anger with anger, though.

Salaams,

And Jazakallah for your response. It's much appreciated.

I never try and argue back with them. Being the youngest in the family, I'm normally the one that has normally been shouted at when things go wrong for them and I just take it on the chin. Mashallah, I learnt sabar from my Mom when it comes to arguments and being told off. My Dad used to blame Mom for everything even though it was clearly not her fault and she just took it on the chin, so I do the same.

I just wonder sometimes what happens when the argue / have disagreements with other people. If they go psycho like they do at home, people will end up thinking we are bunch of freaks.

Thanks again.

**drac16** · 08-29-2014

Originally Posted by hisnameiszzz

Salaams,

And Jazakallah for your response. It's much appreciated.

I never try and argue back with them. Being the youngest in the family, I'm normally the one that has normally been shouted at when things go wrong for them and I just take it on the chin. Mashallah, I learnt sabar from my Mom when it comes to arguments and being told off. My Dad used to blame Mom for everything even though it was clearly not her fault and she just took it on the chin, so I do the same.

I just wonder sometimes what happens when the argue / have disagreements with other people. If they go psycho like they do at home, people will end up thinking we are bunch of freaks.

Thanks again.

Wa iyyak. I'm glad I could help. I pray that Allah azza wa jal blesses you and your family, especially your mother, for having to put up with years of that.

**greenhill** · 09-03-2014

Salaams.

How unfortunate. My humble opinion is that the 'groove' has set. They have grown up in this way and is not likely to change so soon. This is likely also due to the familiarity between all of you. Despite the 'nastiness' of things said, it is taken for granted in the back of the mind that blood is thicker than water and hence does not need too much care to maintain.

To change will need all parties to work on it and it will be really easy to slip back into the old ways and it is not likely to happen...

However, I hope I am proven wrong and that your siblings will grow out of these petty arguments...

Peace

**syed_z** · 09-03-2014

Originally Posted by hisnameiszzz

I was just wondering if there was anything I could do or pray to calm them down from being such angry people?

Asalaam O alaikum...

Brother hisnameiszzz.... May Allah (swt) make your worries go away, as I have seen you shared them with us earlier on another thread, may Allah (swt) bring peace to your home...

At one time I've had the same happenings take place in my life, at home, when your brothers or sisters are not at peace with each other at times...

I suggest reciting the following Verses with meaning every day in your house, they are very effective MashA'Allah and It would be great if you could teach your brothers as well to do the same...

The 1st Five Verses of Surah Baqara (1-5), The Verse of Kursi (Ayatul Kursi Verse 255) followed by next 2 verses (256-257), and the last Three Verses (285,285 and 286). These 10 verses as said by Companion Abdullah Ibn Masud (r.a) that if one recites these every night (after Isha) neither Satan nor Jinn would enter one's house, nor would one's family be afflicted with sorrow or calamity or illness that night, and if they are recited over a senile person, his condition will improve.

Personally I suggest to recite Surah Al Hamd (Al Fatiha) before reciting these 10, as you pray to Allah (swt) in Al Hamd for guidance, 'Guide us to the straight path' and then you begin this Surah right after Al Hamd ends. Send much Blessings on the Prophet (saw) before and after you've completed reciting.

Hope this helps you InshA'Allah.