I am in dire need of advice regarding marriage. I was hoping someone more knowledgeable could shed some light on the topic. I understand that no one here is an Alim. I am trying to read what Islam says about the matter myself.
I am 23 and in fifth year of Medicine. I still have a year of studies left. I study abroad but live in England. This break I came back home from university and my parents raised the question of marriage. It's a proposal from my cousin (my Dad's nephew). Before I had gotten back, my parents were already very excited about it, as if I had already said "yes". My Dad was making comments like "I'll make your marriage dinner", and there was constant talk about marriage. This was something new and very unusual for me. When my mother sat me down and formally asked if I was happy with it, my immediate reaction was "no". I had already told my mother years ago that i did not want anyone that was from Pakistan and that was a cousin. The reason why is because I have grown up in England and my husband would not understand the temptation one faces as a child growing up in the west. The refusal to get married to a first cousin was for medical reason, as children of first-cousin marriages have increased risk of genetic disorders. My mother did not see these two as valid reasons for refusal. Fair enough.
However, two weeks before I got back and before my parents raised the question, I met a brother (or rather he met me). He noticed me at a university event and added me on Facebook. He introduced himself in writing and I had noticed that he was involved in relief work so out of curiosity I asked him that I was very much interested in doing something like that after I graduate, therefore asked him for more information. He told me how Hajj was one of the requirement so I told him how I had been to Hajj as well. Anyhow, we started talking about our experiences at hajj & messaging back and forth mainly about religion and Medicine. He was very respectful in his mannerism through these messages. He told me how he’s becoming a hafiz as well, as it was one of his wishes. Also, his activities aside from university are understanding the Quran and praying in congregation. He did not tell me these things to impress me rather a conversation that lead from one topic to another. Overall, the impression I got is that he’s a very pious brother. There’s a lots of other qualities that he mentioned which were very impressive in terms of how active he is in religion. After a few messages, I thought to myself that if he is a religious brother and he has not approached any other girl what would be his intentions. As I was oblivious, I asked my wiser and older friends for advice and they told me it maybe that he is interested in marriage and he’s only trying to get to know you. This is what triggered me to start thinking about marriage. However, the brother has not mentioned anything about marriage as yet. He is studying at the moment and so am I. I don’t even know if that’s his intentions for sure.
After my parents posed the question, I had been seriously looking into the topic of marriage. I have read and listened to various lecture on the issue of marriage. Because of my age, my parents are getting desperate about me and they continue to enforce the same proposal. After reading much into the matter & listening to talks on how you should pick your spouse Islamically, I continue to refuse on the basis that I want someone that is religious. My parents told me that my cousin was praying in congregation five times a day (I don’t know if that’s really true, it’s a word of mouth). I said to my parents that it wasn’t sufficient, and that I wish to marry an Imaam or an Alim or someone who from a young age is invested (as in actively involved) in seeking Islamic knowledge. They keep saying I can mould my husband into these things afterwards. From what I have observed from my parents’ marriage and life, my Dad has only properly been involved in Islam, as in praying in congregation and actively seeking knowledge in a recent few years. My Dad is 50 something and because of that my mum has started going towards religion. I have said to my parents that I do not want that. I want to be that active in religion now and this starts with picking someone who is pious, as in wired how you’re wired now. Why start from square one and work your way, when you can start from a 100? I want to lead a life where my children would have consistency in the knowledge they’d receive from their parents throughout, and not wait for us to get old and realise about religion and then get that knowledge or upbringing.
On the conversation of marriage, I told my mother about the brother in my university and his qualities. I do not like hiding anything from my parents, so I believe it was only correct to tell her Also, as I did not think I was doing anything incorrect.
I am doing my independent research and my parents are being very unreasonable and somewhat desperate. My mother says she will not accept anyone from another race, while Islam clearly says we have made you into different races and tribes so you may get to know each other and advised us to pick our spouses based on religion and good character. Islam mentions nothing about race. (correct me if I AM wrong). My mother has had countless arguments with me since and every conversation has ended in tears. It’s very abnormal and unpleasant. My mother keeps mentioning that as their daughter I should have complete trust in her and that I should know whatever they’re doing is best, on the bases of their own experience. She mentions part of religion that talks about obeying your parents, not marriage. It doesn't make sense to make such an important life decision based on my parents experiences. I have never disobeyed my parents and I do not intend to. My parents further reasons (for not looking outside family) is the “fear of the unknown”, that they do not ‘know’ any other family and are therefore not willing to take the risk. I feel like I am getting married to the family, rather than a boy. While, my aunts family is known to possess very good qualities, the same cannot be said about my cousin. I have never spoken to him in my life and he also lives in Pakistan. All his qualities are a word of mouth. I cannot be blindly forced into a marriage like that, it’s illogical.
Also, my mother has mentioned something about the Dad having the power to say “yes” Islamically if the daughter refuses. What is the correct Islamic ruling?
I have done Itekhara (day 2) and I still have doubts. I have also agreed to speak to my cousin within the bounds of Islam, and based on that make an informed decision.
This cousin is also my brother-in-laws younger brother and I am afraid of what the family would say and think If I refuse after having spoken to him.
This situation is also made me realise that I need to properly implement religion into my life, it’s almost a reminder. If my parents and I were already educated in the matter, we would not be facing such a conflict. Islam is a perfect way of life.
Jazak'Allah Khair
Last edited by Life_Is_Short; 12-25-2014 at 03:03 AM.
Had a quick look -parents must not force son / daughter in to marriage; also children specially daughter must not get married without the permission of parents .
Sis , take time ; don't take decision out of emotion . Pray Allah to grant what is best for u .
Thank you for asking your question. Although I'm not a Alim, I can advise you of the following:
The Prophet (Peace and Blessings Upon Him) has stated:
"If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied with comes to you, marry to him. If you do not do so, there will be trials in the earth and a great deal of evil." (Tirmidhi and Others)
This is the criteria from the authentic son for selecting a husband. From this, we understand that a judgement needs to be made on the candidates Piety and Character and that these two components are sufficient to make a decision. It is however perfectly fine that other components are also considered like financial stability, race, lineage and education.
With that said, the reasons you stated for not considering your cousin are not sufficient to cross him off your list. It is reasonable to not make a decision until you see him in the company of your family and until your family obtains more information about him from a third party.
A powerful tool that you have to use is praying istikhara. You may find instructions on how to do this online as I am unable to post links just yet.
No matter how convinced your family may be about a candidate, you must be completely content.
I recommend praying istikhara on the choosing between the two candidates, and if not for the guidance in finding what is better than them for you in this life and the next.
May Allah grant you Success in this life and the next!
And Allah Subhannaho Wa Tayallla knows best,
Asalamalikum W'rahmatallah W'barakato
Sorry to say i really enjoyed ur post sis.even its not funny. Pardon me. Remember took any one but pious and for religion. See ur cousin too and that bro too. Man what see can be different. Some time hubby n wife pious but they cnt keep their marriage. Do ishtighara must. Allah knows well for u
قال النبي محمد صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم:*الـحياءُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الاِيِمَانِ*
و قال ايضا:*الحياء لاياتى الا بخير
و قال ايضا:*اذا لم تستحي،فاصنع ما شئت*
I did istekhara and I am still continuing to do so. The brother from my university did not raise the question of marriage and by the will of Allah SWT he's probably not meant to be, so we have stopped talking. He's automatically stopped replying. Alhamdulilah. I guess that's a sign.
On the other hand, my parents are still persistent on me saying yes to my cousin. They expect an answer by the end of this month. Naturally, because I have not spoken to him and from what I've heard about his deen, I am still unsatisfied. I have many questions and of course Allah SWT know what's in everyone's heart. I am questioning his deen based on what I've heard, for-example he prays 5x but not in the mosque. I do not understand why he can't just pray at a mosque provided he's living in an Islamic country. I have more legitimate questions like, which positive steps is he taking to further his knowledge of Islam. Meanwhile, my dad has advised me to not talk to him either. He says it's wrong.
All that aside, I sort of took it upon myself to search for someone, in ways that I believe are correct. I signed up to a Muslim matrimonial site and placed my questions and requirements up along with my profile. Alhamdulilah, I have met someone who's answers I am satisfied with. He seems to be pleased with my religious commitments, as I am with his. Prays in the mosque, is seeking positive Islamic knowledge and also a Doctor. He is very well settled, and we have a lot of similarities.
With that being said, I do not know how I will be able to reject the proposal from my cousin and put forward this one.
If you could provide me with some solutions, it would be much appreciated.
Please brothers and sisters pray for me. Inshallah
Tradition is customs in a society that has lasted long time and has become the part of the society itself. And since tradition has become part of the society, it can make people in the society feel obligated to follow the tradition.
This is the root of your problem. Your uncle family feel they must follow one tradition in Pakistan that known as cousin marriage. That's why your uncle urges your father to marry off you with his son. Your parents seem like can't say no to this 'proposal', especially because they afraid the refusal will cut family ties between your family and your cousin family.
Sister, the key to solve this problem is in your parent, especially your father. If you do not want to marry your cousin, you should be able to make your father to dare to refuse this marriage proposal.
It's not easy, of course. So, always make du'a wish Allah give you easiness.
(sympathy) You must be feeling a lot of pressure, especially with a deadline set on you. But this is artificial, you know. It is hard, but I would ignore it, if I were you. When we feel pressured by deadlines, we tend to make unwise choices.
I had a little look at some of your previous postings. It seems to me that you are suffering from the “good girl syndrome”. (twinkle) Yes, I just made up the term. Essentially, it seems to me that you have not been a very challenging child to your parents, and that they are therefore not used to having you refuse them.
(smile) Allah has Gifted us parents with children as an incredibly effective measure to teach us to be better people. Children challenge us in all sorts of different ways. And this has the potential to help us grow spiritually. But it is difficult for us parents.
Parents are human beings. We respond to social pressures, we worry about how people see us, we have personal goals, we have our understanding of the world, we can be selfish, unkind, greedy... you name it. Parents are not perfect human beings.
I was pondering recently the well-known hadith about Paradise being at a mother's feet. And I suddenly realized that there is another way of looking at this. Namely, we mothers can make our childrens' lives wonderful... but we can also make them hell, too. In this life. It seems to me that we mothers have a very great responsibility to strive to be kind and just and understanding of our children. Allah has Entrusted children to our care. We parents are accountable for what we do with these little (and growing!) people we have been Gifted with.
Some children are more obviously challenging than others. They can have hot tempers, they can be very intelligent and argue circles around us, some have tendencies towards lying, stealing, whatever. And because they are so obviously challenging, we are more likely to have to learn how to pick our battles, realize the limits of our knowledge and power, struggle withour own weaknesses, etc. All the lessons we need to learn.
But children who are more compliant, or that have weaknesses such as fearing rejection, wanting to be seen as perfect, or being so very devious that parents are not aware of their transgressions... these children are less obviously challenging. We parents can feel comfortable and secure in our own weaknesses, and may not learn the lessons of humility and self-understanding that are so good for us. The challenge of these children may well be in the fact that they do not overtly challenge us!
But every human being is confronted with choices. This is Allah's Will, and His Plan for us. All of us (unless we are incapacitated). And as children transform into adults, they become responsible for their choices. If they blindly follow their parents, they are likely to go wrong at some point, because we parents are not all-knowing and all-powerful possessors of ultimate truth. These absolutes are God's attributes. We humans, no matter how experienced and wise, have only the merest echos of these attributes.
So, sooner or later, our children may choose differently from us. And perhaps they are right, and we are wrong. But even if we are right, we need to acknowledge and understand that our children have a God-Given right to choose for themselves. And we parents, after offering our proofs and opinions, need to learn the lessons of letting go, and trusting in Allah.
Why am I talking about this with you? Surely it would be more appropriate to emphasize what you yourself have control of, rather than saying what I would tell your parents, if I was their friend? And usually, I would do this. However, I feel that there is an imbalance in our Muslim community. We talk so very much about the rights of parents and the obligations of children towards their parents. But we do not talk very much about the parents' obligations towards their children, and the rights our children have. Sometimes I wonder if it is a reaction to the other extreme we are confronted with in the world today, when talking about children's rights and freedoms, where parents seem to be ignored and neglected, and children are made into the focus of all our debates. But as Islam is a middle Path, I think we need to avoid extremes, and look for balance.
So before I commented on your situation, I wanted to make it clear that I want to be fair, and see the situation as dispassionately and objectively as I can. (twinkle) And perhaps I soapboxed a little for the parents out there, too.
There are certain things I am concerned about for you. It seems to me, that as you really feel very averse to marrying your cousin, you are engaging in risky behaviour. You are reaching out, hoping desperately to find someone to marry, so that you can use this other person to escape marrying your cousin. This is not a safe place from which to make a big decision like marriage.
Please, take a step back. Deal with the question of your cousin. Be prepared to stand up to your parents. Politely, lovingly, but firmly. Also, start acting like a mature and responsible person. (smile) Which means start by taking responsibility for yourself rather than reacting against your parents or seeing their faults. Look at yourself first (the hardest thing to do. And not just for you!). Dispassionately look at who you are, and why you feel the way you do. Be as honest as you can be with yourself.
How old are you? What are your assets? (hint: youth, uk status, intelligence...(twinkle) ok, men aren't so interested in intelligence (except if they have more), but it is an asset for you). Men tend to be attracted to women for their beauty, status and wealth. Youth and physical attributes are both part of beauty. Citizenship status, family connections, previous marital status and position in society (your intelligence can come into play here) are all aspects of status. The amount of financial assets you have, may inherit, and future earning potential are all aspects of wealth. Hmm, what do you think? I don't know about your physical attributes, but it seems to me that you have an awful lot going for you right now. Is it really necessary to panic and marry in the next six months?
What do you want to do with your life? Would you like to have a large number of children? Do you want a career? Where do you want to live? What are key things that are important for you? Take the time to actually think things over and write things out.
You are a British person. Your parents are Pakistani immigrants to Britain. For all that you have done your best to please and conform to your parents' wishes, you are culturally British. For Britons, marrying a cousin is socially frowned upon. Indeed, it is something bordering on disgusting. Pakistanis however, have traditionally seen things differently. For them, marrying a cousin strengthens a family. It keeps assets in the family. It is perceived as safer. There is a more recent trend in Pakistan for people to have “love marriages”. This appears to be fashionable these days in the middle classes (it has been for the upper classes for a while). But your parents are Pakistanis from the past. They have tried, probably, to cling to their identities in the new country. Immigrants often do. (smile) My guess is that they may even try to be more Pakistani than the Pakistanis...Consider these points of who you are, and who they are (and they may be a bit more British than they realize...after all, they chose to emigrate to the uk and raise their family there. Chances are, they want to stay). Look at yourself, honestly. Who are you? And then look at your parents and try to see who they are. Can you find some common ground? Some points of agreement?
You talk about your cousin not being pious or learned in Islam enough for you. Frankly, I can't but help wonder if this is because you feel you can only say “no” to him on these grounds. But this is not true. You can say “no” to any man you wish, if you do not want to marry him. Actually, it is the parents who are not supposed to block a marriage if a man proposing marriage has a good character, and their daughter agrees to marry him. Could it be a foolish thing if you refuse a man of good character because he has a big nose? Yes. Just as it is foolish for a man to refuse a woman of good character because she isn't as curvaceous as his dreams. But you can say no, foolishly, if you wish to.
So if you want, you can just say plain “no” to your parents about marrying your cousin. You don't need to keep finding arguments and trying to convince them. If you are sure yourself, stick to your guns. It's your right.
However, valid though the ideas on the genetics and the cultural difficulties may be, it may be that you are choosing to refuse your cousin as a way for you to finally assert your independence. It may be that you are really refusing a good match without fairly looking at it. If you want to make an informed and rational decision, perhaps you could really look at him and consider him objectively, and -importantly- talk with him before saying a categorical “no”. I must say though, it sounds rather dubious to me that your parents don't want you to talk at all with your cousin, and to just agree to marriage with no meeting (are you sure you are correct in this statement?). It makes me wonder why? Is something wrong with him? You know, it may be that he is also being pressured into this match. A couple who really don't want to be married to one another, forced to stay together, is a recipe for deep unhappiness, conflict and temptations towards relationships outside of marriage. I've seen the results of a forced arranged marriage, twenty five years after the event. It was a miserable and unhappy marriage, was hard on the children, and yes, there was sexual impropriety, at least on the man's side. Yes, arranged marriages can work. Even, sometimes, forced ones. But they can fail rather miserably, too.
(smile) This post is getting a bit long. I haven't covered everything, but I hope this helps you. Do please be careful. Internet marriage sites have a lot of unpleasant men on them. Just because someone says he is (or even is) a professional, doesn't mean he is a nice person, or an appropriate husband for you (and the same is true of someone who has pursued a degree in Islamic knowledge, you know). You really should have an independent person vet these men for you. If your parents agree to help you, this would be the best. But don't rush. You have a lot going for you. If this doctor doesn't work out, there are other possibilities out there. Resolve the cousin question, make some peace with your parents... and then ask for their help. Parents tend to be happy that their children ask them for their help. (twinkle) It makes us feel appreciated and useful and… loved.
Finally, another small note of caution: please be careful of travelling to Pakistan until this question of marriage is resolved. I've heard of families who have tricked their daughters into going abroad, only for them to be forced into marriage. I pray your parents are willing to listen to your wishes in this, and that you can all find common ground. But please be careful, my dear.
May Allah, the Source of Peace and Safety, Protect both you and your parents (and us all) from the evils of our own weaknesses, as well as the evils of this world.
Only get married when you are 100% sure you've found the one. Only you can make this decision, and if you look within you'll find all the answers you need.
Hi sister i would like to share my story with you but its not yo put you off your cousin at all just to make you aware how careful and sure you have to be before makingsuch a important decision.im 25 with two small girlson the verge of getting a divorce and my husband is a close cousin from pakistan.and to be honest i only got married to him to please parents totally.your parents think they are doing the best thing for you and that you dont know whats good for you and i had same issue with my family.but if his from pakistan he might not underatand you my husband changed as soon as we married.he was a control freak and kept me as a prisoner for all the time we were together and my parents cried all the time anx prayed they hadnt got us married.i just dont wish the same to happen to Someone else.but i think do istekhara and think properly bwfore making any deciaion at the end of the day you will spend the rest of your life with this person no one else.
I am now 24 years old. I am due to be married to my cousin. I said yes out of love for my parents. However, I feel extremely unhappy. I refused for six months straight. My parents had me convinced that they had looked and this is the ONLY suitable option. However, I do not feel convinced. My parents say they do not trust boys that are out of families and therefore left me with this option. They say he's family and we know his family, we know the boys etc. I've refused but they will not accept unless I have a valid enough excuse. I am not happy with his deen as despite living in an Islamic country he does not pray with the Jamat nor does he posses a great knowledge of Islam. I do feel that my parents have matched him up with me as he a comfortable option. I admit that I am not very religious and must start with myself first. I have grown up in a household where islamic education was not emphasised much, and therefore wish to be married to someone more knowledgable in Islam then me. This does not seem a valid enough reason to refuse and since I am becoming a doctor he would apparently fit my lifestyle better. A religious person would not be understanding of my profession and perhaps wish to marry an equally if not more religious person. My parents have dismissed all my reasons as "childish". They're saying that their duas has got them this proposal and therefore it must be the right one and I should trust them as parents and leave it to them. They have been praying for this for years.
Mmm… you said yes out of love of your parents… or because you just didn't want to have the hassle of arguing with them anymore?
(sigh) It is your life, my dear. You are a grown woman. And a British citizen. You can say no. You don't need to convince your parents of anything (and frankly, I suspect they wouldn't ever be convinced by any argument you might bring forth against their choice). Islamically, you can say no for any reason that you like. It is your right.
If you really don't want to marry this cousin, then don't. Life might be a little harder if you refuse. You might not get much support from your parents. You might get a lot of anger from them, even. And you'd still have to find a husband. And yes, your parents may try to sabotage this. But at least, you'd be the mistress of your own life. You'd no longer feel trapped. Whatever choices you would make would be your own, whether good or bad.
(sigh) I met a woman once who had three daughters. But two of them refused to even talk with her anymore. You see, this woman and her husband had arranged their daughters' marriages, and the marriages had been disastrous. And so the daughters blamed their parents and felt a very great amount of anger towards them.
When I read your words, I remembered this woman. And I wondered if you may come to feel so angry towards your parents, too? If you go into a marriage with such feelings of helplessness and of being manipulated… I wonder what will happen once you are married? And what you may feel towards your parents if things do not go well?
(gently) You know, sometimes when we love people, we have to say no. Love is not about always giving people what they want. Love is about doing what is right and best, whatever that may be. You feel very strongly that you don't want to marry your cousin? Then don't. It's as simple as that. You say no, and you deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. Because Allah Gave this life to you. And therefore you are responsible for the choices that you make, good or bad.
May Allah, the Omnipotent, Gift us with the strength to take on the challenges of this life.
I can relate to parents putting pressure on marrying a cousin. Been there..didn't do that! In the months that have passed, were you able to speak with your cousin? It is allowed to speak with a potential spouse with a wali. Pakistani parents tend to emotionally manipulate and blackmail their own children. I would be surprised if you haven't rebelled against your family! I can see that you're a very strong girl!
After praying istikhara on the matter and Allah keeps guiding you to it then ask for blessings in that matter. If Allah keeps turning you away from it, then ask for something better.
Your marriage didn't happen yet...anything can happen between now till the scheduled date. Who knows? Maybe the engagement and wedding will fall apart. Or maybe after meeting your cousin you will be satisfied and be more than happy to marry. Life is a crazy adventure!
May Allah grant you a husband that both you and your family and he and his family will be happy with, and bless you with good in this life and the hereafter, Ameen.
I have asked a Mufti from the local mosque to get involved because it is beyond me to reason with my parents anymore especially my mother who is now avoiding the subject all together. My mother and my sister were married unhappy so everyone thinks my emotions are normal. My mother says it all turns out fine at the end like it did for her. She did not want to marry my dad (also her cousin) either as she was not ready and wanted to continue her eduaction instead but her parents knew what's best for her.
She says if not for myself, I should say yes for my dad's hapiness. This would put a smile on my dad's face.
My parents want me to sell my own hapiness for their own and that is what I did.
Last edited by Life_Is_Short; 08-04-2015 at 04:39 AM.
My parents have dismissed all my reasons as "childish".
What about the reasons such as health concerns in future children arising from marriage within family and the most important which is if marital life of one sister is going down hill other's will get in jeopardy on its own?It helps quoting examples from people around.
Aoa Lifeisshort, I think it's very popular in some cultures and societies to pressurise daughters into marrying cousins,just because it's an easy choice for the parents.The feeling of being pressurised is relatable for many but the point is is parents easy choice more important than happiness and wellbeing of children.Any desperate and insecure attempt to pressurise daughter into marrying can cause harm and problems later.When your not really satisfied with something I guess that's a huge red flag.So the best choice is to do Isthakhara.How can a woman actually give consent just to please her family's wish knowing that such an un islamic practice can put her life in danger.As only prayers and istakhara is her choice and its a good one too.
I overheard a conversation with my parents and uncles family that my cousin isn't sure whether he'd like to come England and settled down. Him and his family are having doubts and he's also annoyed that I didn't respond to this proposal when it initially came forward. He also doesn't know where he sees himself in a few years time. He's under the impression that I would come to Pakistan and settle down as he already has a secure job. Neither of us are allowed to talk as were both the youngest and may say something that might make the situation worse.
I overheard a conversation with my parents and uncles family that my cousin isn't sure whether he'd like to come England and settled down. Him and his family are having doubts and he's also annoyed that I didn't respond to this proposal when it initially came forward. He also doesn't know where he sees himself in a few years time. He's under the impression that I would come to Pakistan and settle down as he already has a secure job. Neither of us are allowed to talk as were both the youngest and may say something that might make the situation worse.
Please advice and guide me as to what is correct
What is correct is that you have a God-given right to accept or reject a proposal!
In your specific situation, I would ask if you want to re-locate? If neither one of you are willing to relocate, will parents still continue with it? You have spent years in the UK and will be hard to adjust in Pakistan. Can he provide the means of living you currently have in Pakistan? If you don't want to live abroad, insist that you don't and be firm about it.
It's good these conflicts are arising...they were supposed to be dealt with in the beginning of the rishta-stage. At least now the parents will really question how this will work and pan out in the long-term. Anyway, it's better late than after marriage!
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