I'm so scared and i need help In Shaa Allah. For a long time now, i have been suffering from huge waswas. It got really bad when i started feeling like i was saying things when i really wasn't. Or at other times, i would get waswas and accidentally say something without intending to.
But two days ago something happened. I went to sleep and just as i was dropping off i suddenly recalled an awful waswas about Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ). I got very worried about this even as i was falling asleep. I woke up about an hour later and started thinking of this again. And then i can't explain it but my heart seemed to really harden. I felt like 'ok i don't care whatever'. And there was this huge urge to say the words and Astagfirullah I went ahead and said it. I knew even as i started to say it that this was wrong and i was aware whilst saying it as well. No one would have heard it as it was just said without making any noise but i felt my tongue move. The second I finished, I was filled with so much regret and horror. I was still lying in bed at this time as it had been just as i had woken up and hadn't even gotten up yet.
I'm in constant fear that i have become murthadh and that my nikah is void. I have spoken to two sheikhs and an usthaaza all of whom said this was due to waswas and it doesn't make me kufr. But i feel like i can't use waswas as an excuse for everything. I know what i did and i honestly feel like i did it on purpose. I don't know why as i absolutely hate the thought of it even. One sheikh did some Ruqya too to see if it was a jinn thing but i don't know if anything really happened.
I didn't specify the words i said to my sheikh too. He didn't ask me about it. Should i have done so? The waswas started as a mocking word towards our beloved Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) and it was this word i said out loud. It was just the word and not a full sentence and i didn't say our Prophet's name either. I had once said this word before when i got a waswas and i had said "******* is not something i believe and it is just waswas'. But two days ago i ended up saying this word only. Before i had fallen asleep i was worrying about it. Now even when i read a hadith i feel so sad thinking how could i have said such an awful thing?
It seems to me that you have regretted your 'doing' and feeling remorseful.... Allah is Most Forgiving.
On another note, it seems quite a lot of people suffer from this 'was was' matter. I have read several where they even doubt their marriage as being legal..... the power of was was for you... but you've got to have an even stronger faith in Allah's mercy.
I didn't specify the words i said to my sheikh too. He didn't ask me about it. Should i have done so? The waswas started as a mocking word towards our beloved Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) and it was this word i said out loud. It was just the word and not a full sentence and i didn't say our Prophet's name either. I had once said this word before when i got a waswas and i had said "******* is not something i believe and it is just waswas'. But two days ago i ended up saying this word only. Before i had fallen asleep i was worrying about it. Now even when i read a hadith i feel so sad thinking how could i have said such an awful thing?
sister Allah doesnt hold us accountable with more than we can bear, if you said something by accident make taubah and forget about it. you didnt become murtad, we have very little control over ourselves in the half asleep state. it was just an accident so try no to worry. remember Allah is most merciful you make taubha inshaallah he will forgive
remember this hadith, note in this hadith the man said a word of kufr also by accident,
In a version of Muslim, the prophet sallaho alayhi wa sallam said:“Verily, Allah is more pleased with the repentance of His slave than a person who has his camel in a waterless desert carrying his provision of food and drink and it is lost. He, having lost all hopes (to get that back), lies down in shade and is disappointed about his camel; when all of a sudden he finds that camel standing before him. He takes hold of its reins and then out of boundless joy blurts out: 'O Allah, You are my slave and I am Your Rubb'.He commits this mistake out of extreme joy.”
I don't know why i can't seem to believe that it was by accident. I was aware when i was saying it even and knew that it was wrong. And before saying it even i was fully aware. But i honestly didn't mean it. I just felt my heart really rebel and i said it. I don't think i was really very fully awake because my husband said i was in a very deep sleep when he called me. The minute i said it i just felt my heart sink. I don't understand why i did it. I'm so scared of living in sin and i keep crying over it. In Shaa Allah I'm trying to repent as much as i can but in my heart i feel like what if i need to do nikah again.
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