Sorry for the title. But literally, it's what I'm feeling in my heart of hearts right now...The one Allah swt has prescribes to be a garment (ie, my wife) is pushing me away to the point that I'm spent with it. I'm absolutely miserable, and I feel it. I need to leave her.
I love my wife, with everything I have - we have been married five years now. Wallahe, she and my family are my world, my rock, my everything.
But probably starting November last year my wife decided to start saying awful things about me...She's 'disgusted by me', she 'hates the thought of being near me' but then again at the same time she 'loves me'...Well, depending on her mood, sometimes on the whole love thing she says 'She doesn't know...'
I sweet talk her, like I have our whole marriage and I get nothing. No response. No softness. It's like talking to a wall.
I try and hug her...I am physically shoved away.
I'm banned from kissing her.
In terms of intimacy...Well, you get the picture.
We sleep in the same bed...With a huge gap between us, even here I'm banned from her personal space.
She'll say things like it's not my fault and she can't explain the feeling, and that I'm a good man.
She'll leave me in limbo one night, and then text me that she loves me while I'm at work the next day, and then I'll get home and she's changed her mind entirely.
I keep trying to talk about it, but she puts her walls up ten foot high. She refuses. She tells me there's 'nothing to talk about'.
I want to divorce her, which is like putting my heart through a shredder. My marriage, my kids. Like...I don't even know what that'd do to me. But, here's the part that makes me a total fool. Whenever I'm alone and think of divorce, I just think of finding a sister who can actually offer me a marriage. Not this passive-aggressive roommates with kids situation.
I want to stay with her, and see if it improves. But I have hardly any if any more sabr to offer.
I'm not thinking straight.
But I can't even call this a marriage anymore...
I really don't know what to do. I want to fix it, but every time I offer the olive branch I get a different message...most of the time distant.
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As salaam brother,
It's sad to hear about your situation. I wouldn't want you to get a divorce. Inshallah you two can figure it out. Something must be triggering her, to act so distant. Maybe she's tired if she does alot of house work. Maybe she wants you to take her out somewhere. Perhaps you can buy her something and that'll cheer her up. Whatever it is, something is bothering her. Keep trying to talk to her, until she opens up. Show her that your bothered by the way she has been. Talk to her, and tell her that your even thinking about divorce. Maybe she'll realize that your hurting. You need to pray and keep asking Allah for help.
Do you help her around the house? If you have kids, do you play with them? Help her around the house and with the kids. You can cook lunch or dinner. Do the little things, she'll appreciate it. Think of when you guys first met, what did you do then that made her happy, do them now.
I hope you two can figure it out and live with a happy marriage, inshallah.
If you need anyone to talk to I'm here, just message me. We'll make dua for you. ☺
women are like that, they have lots of "complications" we men will never understand, you can ask her why she is behaving this way hopefully she tells you the truth, other than that don't expect too much, I am sure there are many people in your situation if she doesn't love you perhaps she's only staying with you because of the kids, you have to decide whether you want to do the same.
you could divorce and remarry, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. May Allah ease your affairs, Ameen
Could you move out for a week or two? Perhaps to your Mother's or another family members or friends? A bit of breathing space is normally what is required. Isn't there the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or something. Or she could move out for a week.
The way she is acting is very strange. She can't be "yes" one minute and then "no" the next. I assume she is a grown woman and not some really young person? Has she got any medical problems? Has she got some issues she needs to sort out? Have you given her a reason to be like this?
The other thing you could try is bring 2 people from your family/side and she brings 2 people from her family/side and then you can have a mediation session. You can both discuss what is going right and wrong and what needs to change. You could both agree to a few changes so that things work out in the long run.
The way she is acting is not cool. If your kids hear what she is saying, it will affect them also.
Personally, I think divorce is ugly, but to each their own. If you divorced and you moved out and she remained a single Mother, the kids will be left without a Dad (even if you see them 3 times a week, it's not the same!). Likewise, if she moved out, they would be without a Mother. At the end of the day, it's your choice and you will know in your heart what is the best thing to do. But please try and explore other avenues and options (I know you have already tried some and please forgive me if I sound condescending because that is not my intention) before going for a divorce.
I suggest you try Ruqya and also see a psychologist, like what some of the previous posters said above. Since she seems like a good wife and her behavior changed drastically a few months ago, she might be experiencing ayn, hasad or psychological issues. That's why I recommend you try to get outside help, which may help explain why she's changed and is acting that way.
Don't rush into divorce yet, until you've exhausted all your options. Also, have you spoken to her parents about her behavior? It will be good if her parents get involved and try to advice her on how her behavior is affecting you, perhaps she will listen to them and take it on board. May Allah improve your situation, Ameen.
She herself has had to admit that she has no legitimate grievances against you. By shutting you out like that, she is guilty of marital misconduct, it's really that simple. Whether she feels attracted to you or feels like letting you into her personal space is morally irrelevant. Sounds to me like it's time to stop appeasing and start deploying some patriarchal authority, though to what extent that is possible would depend on the context. At the very least, make it clear to her that she is your wife, and if she won't act like it, she has reneged on your nikah and you won't act like you're her husband either. She will get nothing from you until she shapes up.
This is unbelievable, subhanAllah but after months of suffering through this - just hours after posting this topic (probably before it'd even been approved) we had an appointment. In which I said everything that was on my mind, and my wife had a breakdown...Apparently a much needed one.
Things are on course alhamdulillah. Things are better than they were even before all this happened...
Insha'Allah it's for the long term.
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improve your situation, Ameen.
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