I have a major issue with my wife, she is controlling and gets violent for no apparent reason. I am so embarrassed to speak with someone in person because this makes me look weak but I am not weak, I am patient.
I am a revert since 2013 and she is my first wife. We have been married for nearly 2 years and at the start she was so loving and caring and we didn't argue whatsoever. She is 6 years older than me, I am 24 and she is 30. Now for the last 6 months she has become crazy... she gets angry and violent over the slightest of differences and I am not even allowed to say anything to her or she gets so angry. She smashes cups and throws items in the house, she even threw a saucepan at me once and kicked me out of my own home... I am so embarrassed to tell this .
Then one a few hours later afterwards and everything is back to normal, she cries and says sorry to me and that she loves me and she will never do it again but then one month later she does it all over again. I hire cleaners, cooks and I give her money to buy things she likes, we live in a nice home and we go on holiday all the time alhamdulillah, I treat her so well I just don't know why she treats me like this. I am certain she loves me but something comes over her and she flies into rage.
Even if I ask her a simple thing to make the bed because I am rushing off to work she will say something like "when was the last time you made it? Why don't you make it?" so I just end up making it because I don't want an argument. I end up doing everything because I really don't want to upset her and make her mad. She works too so I hire the maids and chefs because I don't want her to come home from work tired and have to cook or clean. I would help her of course but still when we come home from work we like to relax.
I asked her about work and that she doesn't need to work I can pay for it all and she says that she wants to work and loves her job so I don't think it's anything about work. I earn considerably more than she does so it's not like she works for money... she works because she enjoys it.
She is just like a time bomb, I ask her a simple favour and sometimes she does it and it's fine, sometimes she asks me for a favour and I also do it of course. Then other times without any warning I might ask her something simple like to come grocery shopping with me because she is really picky and I know she will moan if I don't buy the things she likes and she will just get mad at me... I am just asking her to come with me for HER own benefit! What is wrong with that?
I know some male members might think I am weak and scared, this is not true. I am twice her size and could literally throw her across the room or knock her out with a slap... but I absolutely refuse to hit my wife because I love her, I don't care if she hits me or throws things at me I will not do that to her...
I tried to sit down and talk with her and she cries and says sorry blah blah and everything is fine, we have lovely nights on the sofa watching movies or going out to eat, going on holiday etc it's all fine but she is like a switch, one wrong word and all hell breaks loose. I do everything to please her and she does everything to please me but I am on eggshells, I am scared to mention something because I don't know if she will rage or not.
I think she might have a personality disorder or jinn is coming into her head. What shall I do? Like I said there is no doubt in my mind she loves and cares for me, but she just has a split personality it seems and I become her punching bag once a month or so. If I just do mention anything everything is fine and she doesn't get mad, but this obviously is not how to be married. There should be dialogue.
Not having children right away is actually a good idea because it gives the couple a time to get to know each other better without the added stress of taking care of a child. I couldn't imagine seeing you having this issue with a child in the house, it would be very unhealthy, and I honestly think she would emasculate you in front of your kids if she is not one to back down.
If she can behave properly in public, then this isn't bipolar behavior, because she can control it. If she was having outbursts at work and in public, then I would suggest that maybe it's a psychological issue, but in all honesty, it just sounds like she's childish and has anger problems. I'm not one to condone divorce, but you deserve much better. She needs to get her act together. Even while working longer hours than my husband, I would still come home and clean and cook, even when he'd offer me to get someone to help. My house and my husband are my pride, so I wouldn't allow anyone else to take care of them, otherwise what am I here for? We both treat each other with utmost respect, even when we are angry alhemdulilah, and this is how every couple should be like. Everyone has their ups and downs, but it seems you are having more downs...Mashallah, once again, I have to commend you on your patience with her, but if you can't find a way to fix her..then maybe you're not right for each other?
Thanks for your sincere advice. She is so well behaved when in the company of others that nobody would ever believe me if I told them about her other side. I have been thinking about divorce but I don't want to do anything impetuous so we'll see if perhaps she will stop doing it soon
I think maybe she just has the mentality of wanting to be dominant or something. She is taking control of the relationship and she uses violence and tantrums to achieve that. I did think at first it might be something even stranger like perhaps she thinks I might leave her and so she thinks it's necessary to control the relationship so I am not wanting to potentially do anything haram because I am worried about her anger. Just like some men control their women with violence, it's the same thing right...
I will have a long talk with her tonight and see if I can get her to go to a doctor and just explain to the doctor what makes her turn violent at the drop of a hat. Maybe she just simply doesn't like being told what to do. It could be something that simple right? Even from her own husband she just doesn't like when someone else tells / asks her to do something. I have no idea.
If she cares about you and your relationship, she will try to fix these problems. I do think you should give it a shot before giving up on your relationship because it seems that you truly care for her, but if she doesn't budge then she's not taking your relationship as seriously as she should. May Allah make it easy for the both of you ameen.
I can't really add to it but I would like to ask everyone if their responses would be the same if the situation were reversed? Domestic abuse is unacceptable, whether the perpetrator is male or female.
Please very think carefully before you give advice on sensitive issues.
I agree with @Aisha and
@*charisma*
. This sounds like an abusive relationship. (gently) But it would be a mistake to see the problem as only with her. Tolerating this behaviour of hers, giving in if she keeps it up long enough, pampering her to such a degree... (gently) this is not healthy. You perhaps had inclinations towards overly taking care of other people even before you married, but she has likely groomed you into accepting ever worse behaviour. And I think you will need help to deal with this problem of yours, whether she accepts to see a therapist or not (likely not, I fear).
Take your time to seek a therapist with whom you can feel relaxed and comfortable. It may take a few tries to find a good fit, but it is worth the initial effort. Also, I would recommend you read ReclaimYourHeart, a short, but insightful, book by Yasmin Mogahed. It is well-grounded in Islamic ideas and very thought-provoking. And healing.
May Allah, the Strong, the Self-Sufficient, Guide us to healthier, more balanced, more peaceful relationships... as an expression of our Islam.
If she cares about you and your relationship, she will try to fix these problems. I do think you should give it a shot before giving up on your relationship because it seems that you truly care for her, but if she doesn't budge then she's not taking your relationship as seriously as she should. May Allah make it easy for the both of you ameen.
The problem might be partially or completely out of her control and she cannot handle it, so therefore she must be checked for mental disorders such as bipolar as it can be controlled with treatment. One needs to be firm in managing people like that.
The problem might be partially or completely out of her control and she cannot handle it, so therefore she must be checked for mental disorders such as bipolar as it can be controlled with treatment. One needs to be firm in managing people like that.
If she can hold a job and control her anger when around other people than her husband, it's not bipolar disorder. She just has anger issues. She speaks very sarcastically with the intention to get angry if things don't go her way. Bipolar people have high and low extremes where they are very excited and happy, to very depressed and sad, even suicidal. She is none of these things.
If she can hold a job and control her anger when around other people than her husband, it's not bipolar disorder. She just has anger issues. She speaks very sarcastically with the intention to get angry if things don't go her way. Bipolar people have high and low extremes where they are very excited and happy, to very depressed and sad, even suicidal. She is none of these things.
There is still something not right here, it might then not be bipolar but definitely she is not her normal self even though she is holding a job and can be normal with other people. Her behaviour shows that she needs some form of treatment or the other. Allahu A'lamu.
There is nothing to be ashamed of. When people talk about domestic violence or domestic abuse they automatically think it's a thug of a man beating his poor wife/partner/girlfriend down. That is NOT the case. I have worked in a domestic violence unit and the number of men that were contacting us was almost the same as women. Women can be equally nasty or even worse. I've had a man come to us after he was beaten black and blue by his crazy girlfriend and a plank of 4 by 4.
I don't know what country you are in, but try and do a quick google and contact a unit or an agency for advice and help. They offer counselling in the UK for both parties and also for anger management and various other things for the person who is violent.
If she has been like this for quite some time, she may have issues but do you genuinely want to live with someone who blows hot and cold all the time. Have you been to a GP? The stress will not be good for you. Is there anyway you could have a small separation or you go to stay with a family member for a few days so you can try and work things out? Has she actually accepted what she is doing because some people think they are always in the right regardless of their behaviour.
Sorry, I have only skimmed your thread because the evil witch from next door is slamming doors like a crazy person and I am having to run around after my brother who is not well.
But if you want to chat further, contact me, or I will come on here again later and post again.
There is still something not right here, it might then not be bipolar but definitely she is not her normal self even though she is holding a job and can be normal with other people. Her behaviour shows that she needs some form of treatment or the other. Allahu A'lamu.
Assalaamu alaikum Umm Abed,
(smile) It is kind that you see that something is not right with the wife, and you want to help. But she does not sound like she has a physical problem such as bipolar disorder. If this were the case, she would behave inappropriately with others, and not just with her intimate people. However, with certain personality disorders you may well see this kind of behaviour. The person may be able to fake things for superficial relationships (like at work), and even seem like really nice people, but they do not behave well with their intimate people.
(sigh) If I knew how to help people with such a personality disorder, I would. But honestly, unless the abusive person is in a lot of pain, and has the courage to try to seek treatment and change themselves, there is little that can be done except to protect yourself and others from their harm. If the abusive person does not have a full-blown personality disorder there is more hope. But still, professional help should be sought, as
@hisnameiszzz
suggested. Dealing with these things by yourself
@Jakob
... tends not to work. (gently) Please protect yourself.
May Allah, the Kind, Help us to be firm and wise in our dealings with others.
There is nothing to be ashamed of. When people talk about domestic violence or domestic abuse they automatically think it's a thug of a man beating his poor wife/partner/girlfriend down. That is NOT the case. I have worked in a domestic violence unit and the number of men that were contacting us was almost the same as women. Women can be equally nasty or even worse. I've had a man come to us after he was beaten black and blue by his crazy girlfriend and a plank of 4 by 4.
I don't know what country you are in, but try and do a quick google and contact a unit or an agency for advice and help. They offer counselling in the UK for both parties and also for anger management and various other things for the person who is violent.
If she has been like this for quite some time, she may have issues but do you genuinely want to live with someone who blows hot and cold all the time. Have you been to a GP? The stress will not be good for you. Is there anyway you could have a small separation or you go to stay with a family member for a few days so you can try and work things out? Has she actually accepted what she is doing because some people think they are always in the right regardless of their behaviour.
Sorry, I have only skimmed your thread because the evil witch from next door is slamming doors like a crazy person and I am having to run around after my brother who is not well.
But if you want to chat further, contact me, or I will come on here again later and post again.
Perhaps I'll do just what you said. I think it's going to be tough mentioning any kind of counselling or health visits, I can tell it will be a truly delicate subject. I am from the UK yes, there is an Islamic counselling service in East London I could try.
She doesn't physically abuse me like the guy you mention but occasionally she has thrown objects at me, like a saucepan or a cup, she hit me once of twice but it's not like being beaten black and blue or anything.
I fear every time she is in the kitchen that one day she might grab a knife or something... Don't get me wrong 95% of the time our marriage is fantastic and we get along just fine, I'll ask her to help me with cleaning and she'll just get up and help me, then another day I ask her the exact same thing and she goes crazy. For what?!
Maybe I should hire cleaners full time, then there will be nothing to argue over. Although she'll probably still demand me to drive her and pick her up instantly at the drop of a hat. One time I was across the other side of the city with a friend and I had to stop what I was doing and drive her because she wanted to go shopping It's not impossible to get a taxi once in a while... If I say no I can't pick you up at the moment or can I pick you up later, we will fight. It has to be right there and then
In a nutshell she is loving, caring, thoughtful and well mannered... until you don't agree with her. She always has a habit of guilt tripping me too like she will say what if I get into a car accident with the taxi or or someone approaches me and stalks me. Or with cleaning she will say the fumes make her eyes water or the smell irritates her synesis. Just excuses every single time.
I do want to be with her so much but all this running around doing, yes miss no miss can I have some more miss... it's just wearing me down. I'm just waiting for the day she tries to tell me I can't go somewhere or speak to someone because she doesn't like it... oh allah cure her anger inshallah
Jazakallah sister
@MuslimInshallah
, for your post and ideas.
I also think Kiro's suggestion of ruqya should be looked into, there is a possibility of that too, the shaitan wants separation and his interference could also show up as a mental disorder which could be treated with ruqya as well as medically. May Allah protect!
From the information provided, it seems that it may be appropriate for you both to attend marriage counselling and for your wife to attend anger management classes. May Allah make it easy for you both.
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