His are family refusing to accept me.

format_quote Originally Posted by MuslimInshallah

Assalaamu alaikum Muslimah_B,


I just wanted to mention that when you marry a person, you do marry their family. Not only will you see the genetic heritage in your children, but your spouse carries the seeds of his family in his inner self. (smile) You may think your spouse is very different from his family, but you'd be surprised how people seem to morph into some or other older family member, over time. And this is a mixture of genetics and upbringing.

It is also important to set limits of acceptable behaviour. Just being nice and obliging with people is not enough. If they are treating you with disrespect, you need to protect your dignity (politely, with decency, but firmly). I don't think an ultimatum is a good idea. But I do think that you setting reasonable boundaries is. You have to decide how you want to be treated. And if people chose not to treat you with ordinary human politeness, respecting your innate dignity... then, hard as it is, you need to move on and find people who will treat you with decency.

Especially when looking for a spouse, it is important to look for a person (and family) that treats you with common kindness, respect and decency. If these are not present... then no other factors matter.

(gently) I do understand your pain and loneliness, Muslimah_B, and how much you need to have someone in your life. However, if you marry into a difficult situation, you could find yourself in so much more pain...and the loneliness of being isolated while married.


May God, the Compassionate, the Gentle, Enfold you in His Care.

I fully understand what you mean..
I mean i wouldnt have anybody treat me in a undignified manner or any such way. I know how to handle myself out of those situations (not that i want to be in it in the 1st place, iv had my fair share of it, not pleasant at all)

I dont want to make it out like his family are horrible people (auhdu billahi minash shaytanir rajeem) its just breaking the ice and them realising that, the way their feeling is not islamic and very cultural and pridefull and its not good
I havent had a warm loving family upbringing tbh and it would just be nice for his family to just accept it and we be a big happy family and my children are brought up in a loving household (like im not asking for too much am i ?)

format_quote Originally Posted by anatolian

Racism exists within mulims as well unfortunately. Its not as violent as in the West but it becomes problem in multi-racial marriages as in your example. What you can do best is to tell his family that if they are believing muslims they should know that Quran allows him to marry a mulim woman no matter what her race. Make them read the related ayats in Quran. Maybe they even dont know that Quran says such a thing...

I would love to tell them that but i havent been invited round to meet them yet, im still waiting for the opportunity, but i know id just probally cry infront of his mum and plead with her and hopefully she cries aswell, and we have a crying party and her heart just warms that way lol (yea i know very far fetched, but what women wouldnt warm/heart melt to another women crying and pleading her case)

Tbh i think the way they was brought up or how they was taught is why they think that way, they may not know any better, which is what im hoping in sha Allah and then its easier to explain with Quran and hadeeths as evidences
If they already know and just choose to ignore it for cultural purposes then im definitely going to use my crying tactic lol

format_quote Originally Posted by BeTheChange

Walaikumasalaam dear sis,

It sounds as though you have been through a lot of pain. May Allah swt elevate your status Ameen.

In the UK i think the situation is changing. More and more families & parents are more welcoming and accepting mixed race marriages Alhamdulilah.

I think the main reason why parents are so keen to marry their children off to the same race is because they want their children's life to be as easy as possible. For example if the man is from a Bangladeshi background and the sister is from a Chinese background. Both Muslims Alhamdulilah and they get married they will notice that there are HUGE cultural variations & sometimes they are subtle differences. The differences are there BUT these differences can be overcome through Islam because it UNITES us all under one umbrella Alhamdulilah.

I think most parents don't want to lose their cultural heritage but also they want the daughter-in-law/son-in-law to have the same mentality as them so it is easier to relate and when you have the same expectations things go according to the parents plan. Parents don't want to be challenged especially the older generation. People generally don't like change even though it is good for them. Some people can be very stubborn in their ways. May Allah swt help us all see the good Ameen. So don't think the problem is with you perhaps the problem is with THEM? With all due respect!!

For me personally if & when Allah swt blesses me with children i would love every race & encourage my children to marry from different races. I love all races Alhamdulilah. I find people very fascinating and it always makes you think of Allah swt beauty. Subhana Allah. Studies have also shown the more exposure you have to different races the more intelligent once can be! Brains, Beauty & Emaan what more do you need Subhana Allah.

Okay i think i am going a bit off topic now - back to your situation sister please speak to your finance if you haven't already and advise him your are very worried and concerned about his mum not accepting you and how he thinks this can be resolved. Ask him to speak to his mum because he is in a better position to win her around. Advise him to ask his mum what her concerns her and through conversation isha Allah he will be able to alleviate her concerns.

If after time you feel the situation is not getting any better give him an ultimatum and advise him if mum cannot & does not accept you then there is no other option (sadly) but for you to leave.

Insha Allah i shall type more if time allows. May Allah swt protect you from harm and keep you strong sis. Ameen.

Ameen, may the same be for you also..Ameen

The problem is whenever they try to have a conversation they argue, we are both very frustrated as we have been trying to get married for a while and would just like his mum to come around, as if yet i still dont know what her objections are, if we knew then we could work something out, and work a way around it or compromise, i am trying my best to be very patient but some days my patience just flies out the window, as I would just like my nikkah done, and for everything to be halal
I dont have any muslims in my family and my parents dont really give a poo, so im dealing with this on my own and it is very stressfull at times

And we are at the point of just making a date for the nikkah, and just telling her to be there if she wants, BUT we dont want to do that we BOTH want his family to be supportive and just accept his mind is made up and i will do my wifely duties and look after him

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته sis

im Bengali.. If you have any qs do ask. Some families will be willing to accept, others not so much.

format_quote Originally Posted by ConcealedGem

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته sis

im Bengali.. If you have any qs do ask. Some families will be willing to accept, others not so much.

Walaykum asalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Whaaaat doooo i doooooo ?
How do i win around someone who isnt at the stage of wanting to meet me ?
If i actually get the chance to meet her, do i bring anything like food cake or anything ?
I mean i dont mind if she doenst like me at first and is a bit iffy, i just want to hear the words "ok you can marry him/her" as soon as i hear that we are going to the masjid that very moment (in seperate cars ofcourse lol)

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

Walaykum asalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Whaaaat doooo i doooooo ?
How do i win around someone who isnt at the stage of wanting to meet me ?
If i actually get the chance to meet her, do i bring anything like food cake or anything ?
I mean i dont mind if she doenst like me at first and is a bit iffy, i just want to hear the words "ok you can marry him/her" as soon as i hear that we are going to the masjid that very moment (in seperate cars ofcourse lol)

Why don't you meet one of his female relatives? And they can persuade his mum?

yes bring her Indian sweeeets, you'll find them around. Or bring jalebis.

its really hard to persuade Bengali parents, we don't really have that much interacial marriages in my family.

marriage isn't that easy with Bengalis, families need to be united from both parties, not sure of revert cases.

but I see quite a few revert sisters married to South Asians in the masjid. It really depends on the person and the family.

The men have it easier imo. He just needs to stand up to what's right if he really wants to marry you and tell his parents from the heart.

format_quote Originally Posted by ConcealedGem

Why don't you meet one of his female relatives? And they can persuade his mum?

yes bring her Indian sweeeets, you'll find them around. Or bring jalebis.

its really hard to persuade Bengali parents, we don't really have that much interacial marriages in my family.

marriage isn't that easy with Bengalis, families need to be united from both parties, not sure of revert cases.

but I see quite a few revert sisters married to South Asians in the masjid. It really depends on the person and the family.

The men have it easier imo. He just needs to stand up to what's right if he really wants to marry you and tell his parents from the heart.

He has been but shes a lil bit stubborn and just wants him to marry a bengali and doesn't care if its not one of those big pointless ones (so much money is spent on the wedding), then the arguing starts, im just waiting for him to ware her down so she will just say "ok fine il meet her" lol which is seriously easier said than done, my patience is at its limit tbh

I mean if my children (if i have any) told me they wanted to marry someone and theyre muslim and fear Allah etc then id allow them to get married that same day and not pro-long the nikkah

Parents are making nikkah sooo hard for their children, that it pushes them into these bf/gf relationships instead of just getting nikkah done which most would rather have nikkah done than be in the haram situation
Some people fear abandonment from their familes, and even being harmed.. and these sorts of things need to be tackled in order for it to stop, or it will just carry on down generations

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

He has been but shes a lil bit stubborn and just wants him to marry a bengali and doesn't care if its not one of those big pointless ones (so much money is spent on the wedding), then the arguing starts, im just waiting for him to ware her down so she will just say "ok fine il meet her" lol which is seriously easier said than done, my patience is at its limit tbh

I mean if my children (if i have any) told me they wanted to marry someone and theyre muslim and fear Allah etc then id allow them to get married that same day and not pro-long the nikkah

Parents are making nikkah sooo hard for their children, that it pushes them into these bf/gf relationships instead of just getting nikkah done which most would rather have nikkah done than be in the haram situation
Some people fear abandonment from their familes, and even being harmed.. and these sorts of things need to be tackled in order for it to stop, or it will just carry on down generations

Bengali parents are very influential and yep they're stubborn, just warning you. There's so much tradition attached to our culture and it's all about preserving it, it's not right lol. They put culture before Islam. In Sha Allah I pray he makes things easy for you and grants you what is best.



keeeeep it halal. Make dua. Tawakkkul.

format_quote Originally Posted by ConcealedGem

Bengali parents are very influential and yep they're stubborn, just warning you. There's so much tradition attached to our culture and it's all about preserving it, it's not right lol. They put culture before Islam. In Sha Allah I pray he makes things easy for you and grants you what is best.



keeeeep it halal. Make dua. Tawakkkul.

In sha Allah
Thank you for your kind words and advice

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

In sha Allah
Thank you for your kind words and advice

Youre most welcome, here if you ever need to speak.

There's so much I can say on this topic but my advice is to be patient and to constantly ask Allah for help. Unfortunately there's not much you can do and as painful as this is for me to say: you'll have to decide between you and the brother whether you want to spend the next few years trying to fit in with closed minded people. Their stubbornness has nothing to do with you as a person, your background or anything else for that matter. The older generation of Muslims have their own ideal vision for their children that unfortunately isn't founded on Islam. If you marry the brother and you can be patient with him and with your in-laws then inshaa'Allah jannah will be yours as per the hadith of the Prophet (saw). If it doesn't work out then ask Allah to make things easy for you and to bless you with a righteous husband.

May Allah ease your affairs, give you strength to bear your hardships with patience, and may Allah give you a righteous husband.

Be patient and do not give up your Islam. Allah is with those who have patience.

Assalamu alaykum

Make dua sis, and just trust in Allah swt. I am sure you are trying hard as you can, and it really does depend on the family now and their willingness to accept. This isn't just in Bengali families, but within the Afghani community to marry someone of a different ethnicity is unthinkable, to even suggest it would probably be the end of you.

This has no foundation in Islam whatsoever, it is just so unfortunate tribalism is a very common occurrence in many Muslim communities, even the more open-minded families would hesitate twice before allowing their children to marry outside the race.

If you could speak to maybe his sister or cousins, and they could talk on your behalf to his parents? It can be so hard to persuade parents to agree to this subhanAllah. I've had no experience of this so can't really give you much advice, and the guy would know his family better than you, but just discuss it with him and think if you are willing to get married into a family which, even if they do agree, may not 100% consider or accept you as their own.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this, this has no place in our merciful deen...but these mentalities are pretty deeply-embedded in certain cultures.

Whatever decision you make, may Allah swt guide you to what is best for you, reward you immensely for your patience, and give you a righteous husband. Ameen.

format_quote Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif

There's so much I can say on this topic but my advice is to be patient and to constantly ask Allah for help. Unfortunately there's not much you can do and as painful as this is for me to say: you'll have to decide between you and the brother whether you want to spend the next few years trying to fit in with closed minded people. Their stubbornness has nothing to do with you as a person, your background or anything else for that matter. The older generation of Muslims have their own ideal vision for their children that unfortunately isn't founded on Islam. If you marry the brother and you can be patient with him and with your in-laws then inshaa'Allah jannah will be yours as per the hadith of the Prophet (saw). If it doesn't work out then ask Allah to make things easy for you and to bless you with a righteous husband.

May Allah ease your affairs, give you strength to bear your hardships with patience, and may Allah give you a righteous husband.

Be patient and do not give up your Islam. Allah is with those who have patience.

Ameen

Its not just this issue, i have other problems im having to deal with such as with my own family, housing issues, not having little to none support among other things, and dealing with it all at once can be extremely overwhelming sometimes, and that can sometimes make things seem worse than what they are
Iv had to deal with difficult people all my life, its nothing new to me, its not ideal or nice but i cant force people to change.
Iv been through a heck of a lot since i reverted and it doesnt stop, id never give up my islam but somedays it gets too much and just find it hard to cope not with just this, but everything else

format_quote Originally Posted by noraina

Assalamu alaykum

Make dua sis, and just trust in Allah swt. I am sure you are trying hard as you can, and it really does depend on the family now and their willingness to accept. This isn't just in Bengali families, but within the Afghani community to marry someone of a different ethnicity is unthinkable, to even suggest it would probably be the end of you.

This has no foundation in Islam whatsoever, it is just so unfortunate tribalism is a very common occurrence in many Muslim communities, even the more open-minded families would hesitate twice before allowing their children to marry outside the race.

If you could speak to maybe his sister or cousins, and they could talk on your behalf to his parents? It can be so hard to persuade parents to agree to this subhanAllah. I've had no experience of this so can't really give you much advice, and the guy would know his family better than you, but just discuss it with him and think if you are willing to get married into a family which, even if they do agree, may not 100% consider or accept you as their own.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this, this has no place in our merciful deen...but these mentalities are pretty deeply-embedded in certain cultures.

Whatever decision you make, may Allah swt guide you to what is best for you, reward you immensely for your patience, and give you a righteous husband. Ameen.

Walaykum asalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Ameen

I have tried to speak to his sisters, but it was very arkward as in kind of cold shoulder type experience and me feeling like im trying to hard (when im just being friendly as a sister in islam) and we just stopped communicating, as the only effort was on my part and i felt a bit upset by it... he doesnt speak to any female cousins, so im not sure how i would be able to get into contact with them.

Some family members married outside but it was into another asian country not a whole different race (it was still hard for them even with that)

I honestly didnt know that nikkah could be made this difficult lol

Sis, it must be so difficult for you, and I admire your commitment to Islam despite facing so many hardships on the way.

Allah swt is truly with those who are patient, He gives His servants trials when He wants something good for them, within them there is always some benefit. And always remember no matter how huge your problems may seem, Allah swt has given you the ability to overcome them, so stay firm.

May Allah swt give you strength and patience and keep you in the best of health and iman. With duas, x.

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

I honestly didnt know that nikkah could be made this difficult lol

It shouldn't be this way, sis, but the sad thing is that when there is a conflict between Islam and culture, people will give precedence to culture - they like to stick to 'traditions'

For myself, I knew if I decided to get married to someone, say Indian or something, I probably wouldn't be allowed to, and they are not *that* ethnically different even

format_quote Originally Posted by noraina

Sis, it must be so difficult for you, and I admire your commitment to Islam despite facing so many hardships on the way.

Allah swt is truly with those who are patient, He gives His servants trials when He wants something good for them, within them there is always some benefit. And always remember no matter how huge your problems may seem, Allah swt has given you the ability to overcome them, so stay firm.

May Allah swt give you strength and patience and keep you in the best of health and iman. With duas, x.

Ameen...may the same be for you too..ameen

I honestly don't know how I do it, i have my bad days and some ok days,
Sometimes its just hardly having anyone to "unload" onto without being judged or backbitten, which is such a rare thing these days subhanAllah

format_quote Originally Posted by noraina

It shouldn't be this way, sis, but the sad thing is that when there is a conflict between Islam and culture, people will give precedence to culture - they like to stick to 'traditions'

For myself, I knew if I decided to get married to someone, say Indian or something, I probably wouldn't be allowed to, and they are not *that* ethnically different even

I understand but if you know what theyre doing is wrong wouldnt you want to challenge their thinking so they dont die in that state thinking these things are acceptable, i mean if you just give in isnt that in essence saying that what their doing is right and ok ?

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

I understand but if you know what theyre doing is wrong wouldnt you want to challenge their thinking so they dont die in that state thinking these things are acceptable, i mean if you just give in isnt that in essence saying that what their doing is right and ok ?

I wouldn't say immediately give in, however with parents there is only so much you can say or do. I am not in such a problem myself, however I would assume that considering how seriously certain communities take this issue, to stand up to them and try to change this really built-in mentality, would take a lot of persuading and arguments, and as their child they are automatically in a position of authority over you.

However, I think the stance on this issue is changing. Many younger Muslims, in their teens or twenties or thirties, are more accepting of inter-racial marriages, so inshaAllah I believe the next generation of young Muslims will face anything like this to a lesser extent.

And just to add, perhaps for parents who don't approve, there is an underlying fear. It shouldn't be there, but they genuinely fear losing their child to another culture and set of traditions completely foreign to their own, they were brought up back home - whereas we were brought up accustomed to different cultures living together. In all fairness, as people we tend to stick to what we know and be wary of what we don't.